Same Sex Attraction — Blog

Article by Nick Roen

Few concepts are more foreign to our culture than waiting. Now you can take a picture of a check with your phone and deposit it instantly into your bank account without even leaving your La-Z-Boy. “Instant,” it seems, has become the new “relatively quick.”

This has been highlighted in my own life as I have wrestled with the issue of change in regard to my same-sex attraction (SSA). When I began counseling several years ago, I thought that if I followed a set of prescribed steps, then my attractions would switch from males to females. However, after seven months of hard work, I began to become disillusioned and depressed because that didn’t happen. Why wasn’t change happening like I thought it would?

Then one day it hit me. I realized that heterosexuality is not my ultimate goal — holiness is. And my holiness is not ultimately contingent on the reversal of my attractions. Once this became clear, I began to view change differently.

Change Not Promised

The reversal of my orientation is a type of change that is not guaranteed in this life. God never promised me that he would remove my SSA. I am reminded of Paul praying three times to the Lord in 2 Corinthians 12 that the thorn in his flesh would be taken away. And what did God say? “My grace is enough” (2 Corinthians 12:9). God decides which thorns stay and which thorns he will remove, for his glory. Even though SSA is a particularly painful thorn to bear, I have no guarantee one way or the other.

“Heterosexuality is not my ultimate goal — holiness is.”

In fact, promising orientation change can be quite harmful. In reality, there is no set of prescribed steps that will definitively lead to a reversal in attraction, and this type of thinking can make orientation change into an idol that must be achieved or all is lost. If my hope rested in becoming straight, then I would have no ground for hope at all.

This Change Guaranteed

However, make no mistake, change is guaranteed. What happens when I dethrone heterosexuality as my ultimate goal and replace it with holiness? What happens when I cling to Jesus, trust the promises in his word, and fight the fight of faith by his Spirit? I change! This (often painfully) slow process is called sanctification, and sanctification is a type of change that is inevitable for all true Christians.

And here’s the thing: my sanctification here on earth may or may not include a change in my attractions. In conforming me into the image of Christ, God may see fit to leave my orientation unchanged until the day I die, for the purpose of my ultimate holiness. My SSA might be one of the “thorns” that he leaves to increase my faith and display his power and grace in my life.

Groaning, Waiting, Hoping

This is where waiting comes in. I want to be “fixed” now, to stop warring against my flesh and become like Christ. The waiting is so hard! Thankfully, the Bible tells me how to deal with the waiting. As I experience the groanings in this body, I have great grounds for hope.

“My orientation may not change in this life, but complete sanctification is coming.”

I hope in my full, final, ultimate adoption as a son of God, which will include the redemption of my body (Romans 8:23). And I need to hope because it isn’t here yet. After all, “hope that is seen [present right now, immediately, instantly) is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees?” (Romans 8:24).

Indeed, instead of “fix me now,” the Bible gives me this: “But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience” (Romans 8:25). No matter how acutely I feel the brokenness of my body, and my already-but-not-yet adoption as a son of God through Christ, I must wait for my full redemption with patience.

In discussing the hollow promise of orientation change, Wesley Hill, who experiences SSA, says this: “Suffice it to say, I think the real spiritual and theological danger of this kind of ‘victorious Christian living’ talk is an avoidance of the ‘state of being on the way.’ It’s an expectation that the kingdom of God should be here fully now, without our having to endure its slow, mysterious, paradoxical unfolding until the return of Christ.”

So instead of snapping a picture of my check, I need to be content with being in the car “on the way” to the bank.

Worth the Wait

Believe me, it is really hard. But the reality is that “on the way” is where I experience God. For now, it’s in the pain and the groaning and the fighting for contentment that God reveals himself, and changes me, and strips away my idols, and gives me more of him, and prepares me for an eternity of enjoying him without the pain.

“Change is guaranteed. Sanctification is inevitable for all true Christians.”

It’s on the ride in the car that I see the beautiful countryside, and the majestic mountains, and the stunning sunset that I wouldn’t have seen if I were magically transported to my final destination, breathtaking as that final destination will be. The waiting is where I am sanctified, conformed into the image of Jesus, and readied for delighting in him when I see him face to face (2 Corinthians 3:18).

My orientation may not change in this life, but complete sanctification is coming (1 Thessalonians 5:23–24). It isn’t here yet. But that, I think, I can wait for.

Nick Roen (@roenaboat) is pastor for worship at Sojourners Church in Albert Lea, Minnesota. He writes on topics related to worship, sexuality, and celibacy.

Posted at: https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/same-sex-attraction-and-the-wait-for-change

Satisfied in the Arms of Another

Article by Christopher Asmus

When I began sharing my story, I had no idea how many people like me would come running for help. I am a married man, and a pastor, who experiences same-sex attraction.

Since the first time I wrote about my journey and struggle, I have received hundreds of emails from men and women from all over the world asking essentially the same question: How? How do I practically live — as a follower of Jesus Christ — who experiences homosexual longings for intimacy? How do I deal with the nearly crippling loneliness and hopelessness I feel every day surrounding my sexuality?

As I considered whether to say more, afraid of another wave of messages, my wife, seeing the fear on my face, looked over at me from across the living room, and in a beautiful moment of togetherness, we rehearsed a verse we had remembered for moments like these,

“I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry that I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God.” (Acts 20:24)

So, if you are a Christian experiencing same-sex attractions, here are four truths I believe will help you fight well and flourish in your faith in Jesus.

1. The Earth Is Flat

When it comes to sexuality, everyone has fallen short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). Or you could say, none is truly “straight,” no not one (Romans 3:10). The Enemy loves to tell Christians who experience SSA that they are uniquely depraved. That God, being cruel, has placed you in a sin struggle that is more difficult than those around you.

As hard as your predicament may seem, you must know that Christ is not calling you to give up or sacrifice any more than anyone else. Sam Allberry reminds us,

Ever since I have been open about my own experiences with homosexuality, a number of Christians have said something like this: “The gospel must be harder for you than it is for me,” as though I have more to give up than they do. But the fact is that the gospel demands everything out of all of us. If someone thinks the gospel has somehow slotted into their life quite easily, without causing any major adjustments to their lifestyle or aspirations, it is likely that they have not really started following Jesus at all. (Is God Anti-Gay?, 10)

As a pastor, I have a front-row view into the sexual brokenness of everyone. Daily, I am reminded that loneliness is not solved by marriage, intimacy is not fulfilled by intercourse, and desire is not satisfied in the arms of another.

Whether gay or straight, married or unmarried, single or dating, everyone lives in some state of sexual and emotional dissatisfaction and unfulfillment. We all are sexually broken. When it comes to sexuality, the earth is flat.

2. It Takes a Village

If you are going to put your SSA to death (Colossians 3:5), then you must know it’s going to take a life-giving, truth-speaking, Christ-seeking community. As Paul Tripp says, “Your walk with God is a community project.”

God has made no lasting provision for your fight against homosexual desires outside of, or apart from, the local church. We reorient our lives around the gospel by gathering regularly with Christian brothers and sisters (Hebrews 10:23–25). The bullets of grace you need to put same-sex attractions to death will come to you through Christ-centered community.

One of the primary ways God will provide the grace you need will be through exercising your gifts (1 Peter 4:10). Personally, I am most prone to fall into sin when I’m bored and have too much energy to pursue lesser things. My temptations are most powerless when I am enlisted and energetically engaged in what God has called me to do.

As you lay your head on the pillow every night as one who has been wrung out in service to Christ, your affections will begin to be transformed until you find life, peace, and identity apart from SSA (Romans 8:5–6). When it comes to putting to death the deeds of the flesh (Romans 8:13), it takes a village.

3. Call in the Cavalry

If you really want to launch an all-out assault on your SSA, call in the cavalry. God’s most potent weapons are harbored in the hearts of those around you. Confess your sins to trusted believers (James 5:16). Confession is like picking up the radio and telling those around you the precise location that needs to be bombed with grace.

Sure, some people may not respond well to your vulnerable confession, but as Spurgeon said, “If any man think low of you, take heart; he does not think low enough.” It’s better to reveal yourself to some, and not be fully embraced by everyone, than to never reveal yourself fully to anyone, and thus never be truly embraced at all.

I suggest you begin by telling a trusted, gospel-soaked friend. If you are too afraid to do it in person, then write a letter. But loved one, we often are much weaker than we suspect. You may be only five minutes away from falling. It’s time to call in the cavalry.

4. Finally Fulfill Your Desires

Fighting your SSA desires is only the beginning. The true work of the Christian is fulfilling them, ultimately and completely.

Our longings, by nature, will not give us peace until after they are fulfilled, and so it’s our duty and delight to see them fulfilled in Jesus Christ (Psalm 107:9). Give yourself completely to satisfying your longings for intimacy, but not in mortal men (for any practicing homosexual can testify their relationship is not ultimately satisfying), but in the immortal man: Christ himself.

John Piper has said, “Theology can conquer biology.” Therefore, roll out of bed for one main purpose: to fall madly in love with Jesus Christ. Read such bright, beautiful, brilliant books on God that your same-sex attractions fade into a shadow of boring irrelevance. Listen to sermons that open your eyes to such grace and gravity that you see God (Matthew 5:8) and the thought of looking anywhere else would be like staring at your shoelaces when you’re at the summit of Everest. Be a grace hound, always hot on a fresh scent of God.

If you are a Christian experiencing same-sex attractions, continually remind yourself that loneliness is solved only in God (Psalm 63:1–2), intimacy is fulfilled only in God (Psalm 63:3–5), and desire is, indeed, satisfied only in the arms of Another (Psalm 63:6–8).

Step Out and Share

Still, you may be thinking, I can never share my struggles with anyone. I am far too familiar with that feeling. It took me twenty years to finally begin sharing my struggle with other believers.

Jesus told us to count the cost before following him (Luke 14:28–33), and opening up about your same-sex attractions may come at a significant cost to you. Bringing your SSA to light will affect you in a thousand different ways, and some of those will be incredibly painful.

But it’s worth it. Christ will be most powerfully displayed in your weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). The Christian walk hits its stride when we actively seek to be seen as less in order that Christ may be seen as more (John 3:30).

To the Christian who experiences same-sex attractions, it is my eager expectation and hope that, as you invite others into this struggle, you will not be at all ashamed, but that with full courage now as always Christ will be honored in your body, whether by life or by death (Philippians 1:20).

Christopher Asmus (@ChrisAsmus) is lead pastor at Vertical Church St. Paul, a new church plant in St. Paul, MN. Christopher and his wife, Alexandria, are happy parents to their two sons, Haddon and McRae.

Posted at: https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/satisfied-in-the-arms-of-another?utm_campaign=Daily+Email&utm_source=hs_email&utm_medium=email&utm_content=66878388&_hsenc=p2ANqtz--XoH1NyKlquh46zZMS3Mk44PQnf4Nx5hNJJjFmU9FLKfWL5jquqoHDzZbjnVNYdme0nK1XL3CE7O8i1FxTE35EjFlUjQ&_hsmi=66878388

Same Sex Attraction and the Wait for Change