How to Spot—and Help—an Addict in Church

SEPTEMBER 5, 2019  |  Mark E. Shaw  posted on The Gospel Coalition

Addiction has wrongly been “super-sized” out of the local church’s realm of care.

The rising wave of it—especially opioid addiction—is widely considered a “brain disease” that requires special medicine, training, and expertise. Many mistakenly believe there is little a church member can do to help.

To be clear, using drugs does alter the brain. Medical intervention is crucial. But it’s also true that stigma, self-loathing, guilt, and other issues common to addicts are within the arena of Christian counseling.

You and I have been called to care for the sick, the imprisoned, the suffering, and the sinners (Matt. 28:18–20; Matt. 25:36; James 5:13–15). As Jesus’s hands and feet, we must not ignore those in the throes of addiction.

The tricky part is—how?

1. How do I know if a someone is addicted to opioids? Do they have to tell me, or are there signs I can look for?

I often watch for isolation (Prov. 18:1). Family and friends can listen for language that reflects an “entitlement mentality” rooted in pride. The addict may also be inconsistent, lie when he doesn’t have to, seek pleasure in every area, and be prone to doing things his way. Look for idolatrous behavior that appears irrational, since it’s caused by extreme devotion to self.

You may be concerned about “missing” an addicted person in your congregation. But warning signals like missing work, school, or church activities aren’t always obviously tied to addiction and may appear innocuous. So sometimes it’s easy for a leader, a friend, or even a close family member to miss the signs and then feel guilty later.

The “what ifs” can be crushing. What if I could have noticed something? What if I had reached out? What if I’d caught it before it got to this stage? Did I say something to drive them away from church or from God?

While we are responsible to God for sins of omission—failing to love, or failing to speak truth in love, or failing to speak truth at all—we have to be careful not to feel all the weight of someone else’s choices.

While we are responsible to God for our sins of omission, we have to be careful not to feel all the weight of someone else’s choices.

More often than not, a family member comes to me for help regarding an addicted loved one. There is great value in creating an approachable culture among your church family. As often as you can, communicate, “Yes, please reach out to us when your loved one is struggling! We want to help you, help them, and glorify God in the process. Yes, come to us.”

2. How do I approach someone I think is addicted to opioids or other prescription drugs? Should I say something, or wait for them to reach out to me?

You might try saying something such as, “You have been a little erratic lately. Have you been using or maybe tempted to use? What’s going on?” The person may deflect, deny, or disagree, which makes it hard to know what is true. In gentleness, ask clarifying and probing follow-up questions, though you still may not receive a straight answer (Gal. 6:1). Since love believes all things (1 Cor. 13:7), you may have to err on the side of grace.

Typically, family members and concerned friends reach out and ask you to intervene. Since often the family has already spoken to the person about his addiction, you can think of your participation as the second step in the Matthew 18:15–20 restoration process.

It’s important to approach this intervention motivated by a desire to glorify God, not surprise and humiliate. A biblical intervention involves loving concern, careful planning, constant prayer, and multiple meetings with the family ahead of time. The goal is to discern—gently and kindly—whether the addicted person is willing to repent. And the family should be prepared for possible responses, which may include defensiveness and rejection.

We often want to talk the addict into changing, but that can lead to frustration. Instead, focus on communicating God’s love and glorifying Christ. It is always loving to call someone to repentance, but we must be careful we aren’t making it all about repenting and reconciling with us, before with God.

3. What do I do if someone tells me they’re addicted to prescription drugs? To whom do I refer them? How do I keep track of them? What’s the best way to support and love them?

An addict doesn’t often ask for help, due to shame, guilt, and pride. So this is a rare opportunity and cause for rejoicing!

First, ask about his spiritual condition. If he is an unbeliever, you want him to know the living God. If he is a believer, you want him to become a committed, obedient follower of Christ. Both strategies rely solely on the sufficient Word of God and power of the Holy Spirit.

Second, gather a small team of people from your church who are committed to the long process of relational disciple-making. Each person on the team could play a different role—encourager, prayer partner, accountability partner, church leader, counselor, and/or trusted Christian friend. Don’t do this alone. You need the body of Christ—especially since the addict should meet with someone from that team daily for the first 30 days.

It is always loving to call someone to repentance, but we must be careful we aren’t making it all about repenting and reconciling with us, before with God.

Third, insist on the addicted person receiving medical attention. Consider having someone you trust—one of his relatives, or yourself if necessary—participate in the initial medical encounters. The doctor needs to know the truth in order to help, and left alone, the person might be tempted to deceive, minimize, or ignore his addiction issue. Remember that the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak (Matt. 26:41).

Fourth, find help at a biblical program designed to disciple the person. A secular addiction program is likely address his issues from a “spiritual” perspective and help him find sobriety, but will be unlikely to point him to Christ. You want more for this struggling person than just achieving sobriety. You want him to discover newness of life in Christ alone, not a “higher power” of his own invention. (You can find resources—such as recommended residential and non-residential programs, training for family and friends, and articles—at www.TheAddictionConnection.org.)

In the end, if the person abandons the process, allow him to go but continue to pray. You can extend grace by offering multiple chances. But remember that grace may entail enforcing consequences or even ceasing to work with him if he persists in his addictive choices. Indeed, God may use such consequences to get his full attention.

4. How can I think biblically about addiction? Isn’t it sinful? I want to show compassion, but I’m not sure which verses to stand on.

We shouldn’t categorize people by their drug or pleasure of choice—that’s merely the outward tool they’re using (Isa. 44:9–20) or broken cistern they’re drinking from (Jer. 2:13). Far more helpful is getting to the heart of addiction. Why we sin stems from desires in the heart—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life (1 John 2:16; Gen. 3:6).

But you have a sovereign God who redeems for his glory. As this once-addicted person learns more about Christ through biblical disciple-making, he has the opportunity to find everlasting hope, true victory, and a new identity.

So, yes, addiction stems from sin. But it comes from the same root that anybody else’s sin comes from—including yours. And the good news is that Jesus Christ overcomes it all (Heb. 2:17–18; 4:14–16).

Mark E. Shaw earned a DMin from Birmingham Theological Seminary and is now the director of counseling at Grace Fellowship Church in Kentucky. He is also the author of 22 books, including The Heart of Addiction and The Pursuit of Perfection. He and his wife, Mary, have four children.

Faithfulness is Not Theologically Complicated

by Greg Koukl

Lately I have been mystified by—and distressed with—a trend I’ve seen with many who identify as Christians yet seem to effortlessly embrace secular ideas completely at odds with a biblical understanding of reality.

These more “progressive” Christians tend to be pluralistic regarding salvation,[i] sexually active as single persons, gay friendly (and here I do not mean appropriately friendly with gays, but rather supportive of “alternative sexualities”), comfortable with “gender fluidity,” in favor of same-sex marriage, and pro-choice.[ii]

I’m distressed because they have fallen into a trap Paul warned about: “See to it that no one takes you captive through philosophy and empty deception, according to the tradition of men…rather than according to Christ” (Col. 2:8).

I’m mystified because there’s no good reason for faltering in the face of these particular trends because Scripture speaks with clarity against them. Since there is no biblical ambiguity on any of these issues, there is no real cause for a Christian’s confusion.

Simply put, on a host of culturally charged moral and spiritual issues, faithfulness is not theologically complicated. Why, then, are many who claim to be Christians foundering on fundamentals with such regularity? I think there are two reasons.

First, it’s clear that many Christians are untutored in the basics. To them, Christianity is simply about believing in Jesus in some vague sense and loving people in a can’t-we-all-just-get-along kind of way. That’s where their theology begins, and that’s where it ends.

Second, many Christians—especially among the younger generation, sadly—seem to care more about what their friends think about them than what Jesus thinks about them. Each of these failings is dangerous on its own; in combination, they are spiritually deadly.

I will not, here, parse out clever ways to persuade outsiders of God’s point of view on these issues. Rather, I want Christians to see the simple biblical facts for themselves. Maybe clarity will lessen the confusion and breed the courage needed to face the cultural pressures.

Salvation

First things first. That trust in Jesus of Nazareth is necessary to escape eternal punishment for sin is arguably the most offensive detail of classical Christian theology. Peter called it “a stone of stumbling and a rock of offense” (1 Pet. 2:8). Yet it is also gospel bedrock.[iii]

To stand with Jesus on this issue invites a tsunami of scorn and abuse in our culture. It is the first claim jettisoned when Christians itch to become more “tolerant” and substitute a Christianity of worldly love, acceptance, and inclusion for the gospel of rescue from wrath. To side with the crowd on this, though, is spiritual treason.

The disciples did not choose the name “Christians” for themselves. Others did. Followers of Jesus described themselves simply as “the Way” (Acts 9:2). The reason was clear. That was how Jesus described Himself: “I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me” (John 14:6). Lest anyone be tempted to read ambiguity into that statement at the end of Jesus’ ministry, take counsel from this one at the very beginning:

Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and there are many who enter through it. For the gate is small and the way is narrow that leads to life, and there are few who find it. (Matt. 7:13–14)

Controversial? Yes. Confusing? No. The claim is clear. New Testament writers repeated it constantly in a variety of ways, offering nine lines of argument to solidify their point.[iv]

1. Jesus is the world’s only source of salvation: “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life” (John 3:16).

2. Jesus is the Father’s choice: “Jesus…said to them, ‘This is the work of God, that you believe in Him whom He has sent’” (John 6:29).

3. Thus, rejection of Jesus is rejection of the Father Himself: “He who does not honor the Son does not honor the Father who sent Him” (John 5:23b).

4. Rejecting Jesus brings wrath; believing in Jesus rescues from wrath: “He who believes in the Son has eternal life; but he who does not obey the Son will not see life, but the wrath of God abides on him” (John 3:36).

5. Jesus alone provides forgiveness of sin: “Therefore I said to you that you will die in your sins; for unless you believe that I am He, you will die in your sins”(John 8:24).

6. Many impostors will claim to provide other ways of salvation: “See to it that no one misleads you. For many will come in My name, saying, ‘I am the Christ,’ and will mislead many” (Matt. 24:4–5).

7. But there are no alternatives: “There is salvation in no one else; for there is no other name under heaven that has been given among men by which we must be saved” (Acts 4:12).

8. Jesus will be man’s final judge: “Christ Jesus…is to judge the living and the dead” (2 Tim. 4:1).

9. Therefore, all nations are to be given this gospel: “Repentance for forgiveness of sins would be proclaimed in His name to all the nations” (Luke 24:47).

There is only one answer to the Philippian jailer’s question, “What must I do to be saved?” Paul gave it: “Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved” (Acts 16:30–31). Simple and straightforward, uncomplicated and unambiguous. Do not be confused.

Abortion

I realize, of course, that Scripture does not address abortion directly. Rather, the issue is subsumed under a broader biblical injunction. The sixth commandment says simply, “You shall not murder” (Ex. 20:13). It mirrors a directive going back almost to the beginning that is itself grounded in a truth in the very first chapter of the Bible.

After the flood, God told Noah, “Whoever sheds man’s blood, by man his blood shall be shed, for in the image of God He made man” (Gen. 9:6). Twice in Genesis 1, God declares that humans bear His image. Because human beings bear God’s image, any destruction of a human being deserves the severest penalty.

Here is the question: Are unborn human beings image-bearers in the same sense God is referring to in Genesis? Are they protected under the sixth commandment, thus making abortion an act of de facto homicide? Are the preborn the same kind of living beings as those who have already been born? Put another way, in God’s eyes, are humans before birth the very same valuable individuals they are after they are born?

It does no good, by the way, to dismiss the value of preborn humans by labeling them “fetuses,” or “zygotes,” or “blobs of cells.” First, you and I are also “blobs of cells” after a fashion. Second, like the word “adolescent,” the other terms are purely human inventions marking stages of biological development. Embryology—and common sense—tells us that the very same individual is present at each stage, regardless of the arbitrary terms we use to distinguish the stages.

Some will be surprised to know that Scripture itself gives a definitive answer to our question above in a passage that is clear, unambiguous, and decisive. Luke 1 records a remarkable exchange between Mary and her cousin Elizabeth, John the Baptist’s mother, almost immediately after Mary conceives Jesus by the Holy Spirit.

When Elizabeth heard Mary’s greeting, the baby leaped in her womb; and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit. And she cried out with a loud voice and said, “Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb! And how has it happened to me, that the mother of my Lord would come to me? For behold, when the sound of your greeting reached my ears, the baby leaped in my womb for joy.” (Luke 1:41–44)

Note, this meeting took place when Elizabeth was in her late second trimester with John, and Mary was in her early first trimester with Jesus. Recall also that earlier in the chapter we learned that John himself would be filled with the Holy Spirit while yet in his mother’s womb (Luke 1:15), and this passage marks the prophecy’s fulfillment. Clearly, John the “fetus”—filled with the Holy Spirit—leaped with joy in the presence of the “zygote,” Jesus the Lord.

So here is our question again, now applied specifically to the prophet and the Savior: Were John the Baptist and Jesus their same selves before they were born as they were after they were born? Clearly the biblical answer is, “Yes.” Had Mary or Elizabeth chosen abortion, then, they would have killed Jesus and John—not a potential or possible or future Jesus and John, but Jesus and John themselves.

The sixth commandment forbids murder. Murder is the willful killing of an innocent human being, an individual made in the image of God. Does abortion do this? According to what we learn in the Bible, yes, it does. Abortion, then—in God’s eyes—is murder. No Christian should condone it. No Christian should participate in it. Every Christian should condemn it.[v]

Having a baby under any circumstances is a challenge, but especially so when the pregnancy is unplanned or the result of a traumatic experience. Even so, these complications do not change the basic biblical calculus. Abortion violates the sixth commandment.

Do not be confused. This is not a complex issue, theologically.

Gender

There is one thing everyone knows about the world. They know something is wrong, that things are not the way they are supposed to be. The world is broken, and multitudes suffer as a result.

There was a time, though, when this was not so. Genesis tells us about that time. It is the book of beginnings, the introduction to the story of reality. It tells us the way the world was when God first made it, when “all that He had made…was very good” (1:31). It tells us the way the world is supposed to be, the way it was before the evil.

Here is what the book of beginnings tells us about the beginning of human beings:

God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. God blessed them; and God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it….” (Gen. 1:27–28)

I have already mentioned the importance of the image of God in man. It’s the source of our innate and intrinsic value, the source of our inherent dignity and nobility. I want you to notice something else about the good, dignified, noble way God made humans.

From the very beginning, human beings have been either male or female, one or the other. In God’s world, sex is binary. There are rare physical exceptions,[vi] but that is not the way things are supposed to be. The exceptions are part of the brokenness.

Notice also that in God’s order there is no hint of distinction between the sex a person is on the outside and the sex a person thinks he is on the inside. Humans were created to be unified, whole persons—the mind matching the body.

At the moment, though, this point is controversial. Some think there is no vital connection between the sex a person is physically and their mental perception of their sex (often referred to as “gender”). And, indeed, there is a miniscule percent of people who are genuinely conflicted, thinking their own gender is different from their sex.[vii] But that is also part of the brokenness. It clearly is not God’s good plan.

There is a reason God made two physical sexes with their matching genders. In God’s plan, men and women were made both physically and emotionally different from each other in order to fit together in a complementary way. As counterparts sexually and soulishly, they were created so the woman could be what God called a “suitable helpmate” to man (Gen. 2:18–25). Even after the evil came and the world was broken, this plan did not change. Indeed, without this physical and emotional fit, it would not be possible for men and women to fulfill God’s command to multiply, fill the earth, and subdue it together.

Scripture is not ambiguous or unclear on this issue, which is why no one, Christian or otherwise, has been confused on it for thousands of years—until recently. Gender is not “fluid” in the way some have made it out to be. That is not how God made human beings.

Binary sexuality is also key to understanding God’s purpose for something else the culture has been confused about.

Marriage

When Jesus was asked about the legitimacy of divorce, He answered by going back to the beginning.

Have you not read that He who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh”? (Matt. 19:4–5)

According to Jesus, then, marriage is not a cultural convention based on current custom and sexual whim. Instead, marriage is tied to God’s creation order. Here is His formula for marriage: one man, with one woman, becoming one flesh, for one lifetime.

Notice Jesus' implicit support of binary gender in His reference to Genesis 2:24: a man leaves his father and mother and cleaves to his wife. The kind of marriage God had in mind from the beginning is rooted in gender. Men marry women. Women marry men. And being a man or a woman is determined by one’s physical body.

The reason, of course, is obvious. As a group, as a rule, by nature and by design, long-term, monogamous, heterosexual marriages produce the next generation. Successful reproduction requires stable families; stable families are fundamental to civilization; marriages begin families, and a man and a woman make a marriage.

According to Jesus’ thinking, then, same-sex marriage (or any other creative variation) is not only wrong for the same reason divorce is wrong—it corrupts God’s good design—it’s also a contradiction in terms. The word “marriage” has no meaning when used of same-sex couples since heterosexual union is inherent to God’s definition of marriage.

There is nothing ambiguous about Jesus’ view.[viii] Yes, the culture is confused, but there is no reason for you to be confused.

There is something else we learn from Jesus’ formula and from the passage in Genesis He derives it from.

Sex

According to Jesus, in marriage a man cleaves to—and becomes one flesh with—a woman, his wife. Their physical bodies are joined together in a deep, profound sexual union of body and soul, and the two become one. That is the good plan of God.

The passage Jesus cites in Genesis 2 as the Father’s perfect plan covers all of the “alternative sexualities.” Indeed, every single sexual act the Bible explicitly condemns—adultery, fornication, homosexuality, and bestiality—is excluded by Jesus’ simple formula.[ix] The only kind of sexual behavior honorable to God is intimacy between a man and a woman in a lifelong committed relationship—marriage, in other words.

Consider homosexuality, for example. I understand that every depiction of it in popular culture is overwhelmingly positive, and those who differ are characterized as hateful bigots. This is not God’s perspective, though. I want you to pay close attention to the details of a point Paul makes about homosexuality in Romans 1:

God gave them over to degrading passions; for…the men abandoned the natural function of the woman and burned in their desire toward one another, men with men committing indecent acts…. (Rom. 1:26–27)

The word translated “function” here, the Greek word kreesis, is specifically referring to the fit I mentioned earlier. God designed men and women to function sexually together—their bodies fit together in a precise way to make sexual union possible. Since natural desires go with natural functions, the sexual passion that exchanges the natural function of sex for an unnatural function (homosexuality) is what Paul calls a “degrading passion.”

Notice in particular how Paul explains the nature of this offense before God. He says, “The men abandoned the natural function of the woman,” that is, they rejected the appropriate counterpart God had provided—a woman who was built by Him to be man’s sexual complement. That’s why Scripture has nothing positive to say about homosexuality. Whenever it is mentioned in the Bible, it is condemned.[x]

God also has nothing positive to say about any other sexual behavior outside of marriage—like adultery or fornication—for the same reason: It also corrupts God’s good purpose. Christians who lean progressive do not condone adultery, as far as I know. Nowadays, though, fornication hardly raises an eyebrow—especially among the younger crowd—yet it’s just as much a violation of God’s good plan as homosexuality.

Paul provides another angle you may not have considered. Since our bodies are members of Christ, “one flesh” sexual unions outside of marriage spiritually join Christ (who is in us) to an unholy coupling, sullying the temple of God, our own bodies. That’s why instead of embracing these relationships, Paul says we should flee them (1 Cor. 6:15–20).

Here is Paul’s sobering summary on the status of those who engage in persistent, habitual sexual sin:

Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators…nor adulterers…nor homosexuals…will inherit the kingdom of God. (1 Cor. 6:9–10)

God’s solution for satisfying our sexual appetites is marriage: “Because of [sexual] immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband” (1 Cor. 7:2).[xi] Confusion on this issue, as Paul points out, is deadly deception. Do not be taken in. Scripture is not unclear or ambiguous.

There is a telling passage in the passion narrative where Pilate is confronted by the mob and must decide where his loyalties lie. Mark records his decision: “Wishing to satisfy the crowd, Pilate released Barabbas for them, and after having Jesus scourged, he handed Him over to be crucified” (Mark 15:15).

Many in Christendom today are taking their cues from Pilate. They are more concerned with satisfying the crowd than being faithful to Jesus. They champion the criminal and turn their back on the Savior.

Culture may be confused on salvation, abortion, gender, marriage, and sex. Don’t you be. On these issues, God has spoken clearly. Faithfulness to our Lord is not theologically complicated.

__________________________

[i] Pluralism in this sense is the view that other religions provide equally valid routes to salvation.

[ii] Though they may be personally against abortion, they still think it ought to be a legitimate option for others.

[iii] I’ve developed this point in detail in the two-part article “One Way or Any Way?” at str.org.

[iv] Find a thorough development of these points with additional supporting text references in the STR booklet Jesus, the Only Way—100 Verses, available at str.org.

[v] In this piece I’m dealing only with the ethical status of abortion itself, not the more complex policy concern of how we prosecute abortion within our legal system. That is a different question I’ll leave to others more skilled in those matters.

[vi] Those who, through a rare congenital defect, are born intersex.

[vii] This internal conflict is known as “gender dysphoria.”

[viii] In light of Matthew 19, the claim that “Jesus never said anything about homosexuality” is groundless. Though Jesus didn’t use the word “homosexuality” here, clearly His teaching on sex and marriage apply to it.

[ix] Notice these all involve sex with someone other than a person’s opposite-sex spouse.

[x] For a detailed treatment of attempts by some within the church to biblically sanitize homosexuality, see “A Reformation the Church Doesn’t Need” at str.org.

[xi] Notice, again, the implicit reference to binary sexuality and the presumption of heterosexual marriage.

posted at: https://www.str.org/SolidGroundSept2019-faithfulness-is-not-theologically-complicated#.XXQcoJNKgdV

The Curse of a Godly Wife

by Tim Challies

I have seen him far too often. He is the man who rarely takes the lead in his home. He is the man who almost never calls the family together for devotions. He is the man who feels dumb when asking his wife if he can pray for her, or when asking if she would like to sit and read the Bible with him. He is the one who seems almost afraid of being godly.

Why is he like this? In many cases it is because his wife is godlier—godlier than he is. She may have been a Christian for longer. She may have a deeper knowledge of the Bible. She may have read more books and listened to more sermons. She may be the one who loves to study the Bible and whose heart goes pitter-pat when she adds a new term to her theological lexicon. And when he compares himself to her, he feels inadequate. He feels like a poser. He feels embarrassed to do those things he knows he should do. He finds it easier to do nothing.

Do you see what he has done? Somewhere along the way he has made his wife’s spiritual maturity a problem. He has entered into a kind of competition with her that has made her love for the Lord a liability. He has come to see her godliness as a curse rather than a blessing, as if he has been cursed with a godly wife.

My friend, if this is you, you need to know that you’ve got it all wrong. No husband or father leads because he is worthy of it. No one is adequate to the task. Each one of us falls short in a million ways. Each one of us goes beyond the edge of our abilities every single day. We can’t do it. But we must do it anyway.

The solution is not to give up. The solution is not to do nothing. The solution is to do—to do what God calls you to do despite your fears and despite your misgivings. The solution is always simple obedience.

Rejoice in your wife’s godliness, and thank God for such a precious gift. Celebrate it by pursuing godliness of your own. You don’t need to be a brilliant theologian or a renowned Bible scholar. You don’t need to read The Institutes. You don’t need to be godlier than your wife. You just need to own your sin and inadequacy, and to do those things God calls you to do. And it all begins with admitting your complete inability to do even the least of it apart from his strength.

Posted at: https://www.challies.com/articles/the-curse-of-a-godly-wife/

The Offensively Ordinary Steps to Godliness

by Scott Hubbard

If you are in Christ, God has placed in your heart a hunger for holiness. Holiness is no longer the cramped closet you thought it was, but rather a garden of pleasures, an echo from heaven, the beauty of Eden rediscovered. You are not content merely to be counted righteous in Christ (glorious as that is); you yearn also to become righteous like Christ. You want to be holy as he is holy.

But how does holiness happen? How do stumbling, distracted pray-ers begin to pray without ceasing? How do worriers learn to roll even their biggest cares onto God? How does pride turn to poverty of spirit, apathy to zeal for righteousness, stinginess to an open hand, restlessness to relentless calm? How do we come not only to say, but to feel deep down, that Jesus Christ is the sum of all that’s good in life — that to know him is to live, and to die our greatest gain?

God teaches us how holiness happens all over his word, and yet we often overlook one prevalent lesson: very often, holiness hides in small things.

Offensively Ordinary

Consider, for example, how the apostle Paul talks about the pursuit of holiness in Ephesians. Throughout the first three chapters, Paul stretches before us the panorama of God’s redeeming love. In Christ, God has chosen us, forgiven us, and sealed us for eternity (Ephesians 1:3–14). He has resurrected us from spiritual death and seated us with Christ in the heavens (Ephesians 2:1–10). He has loved us with an everlasting love (Ephesians 3:14–19).

“If you are in Christ, God has placed in your heart a hunger for holiness.”

We might think the immediate response to such love would be just as panoramic. But in the next three chapters, Paul applies this gospel to the ordinary, the everyday, the small. For example: Speak the truth to each other (Ephesians 4:15). Reconcile quickly (Ephesians 4:26). Labor honestly at your job (Ephesians 4:28). Give thought to your words (Ephesians 4:29). Cultivate kindness and a tender heart (Ephesians 4:32). Honor Christ as a wife, husband, child, father, servant, master (Ephesians 5:22–6:9).

Though radical in their own way, these steps of obedience rarely attract the notice of a crowd. Many of them happen in forgettable moments and tucked-away places. Well might we say with Gustaf Wingren, “Sanctification is hidden in offensively ordinary tasks” (Luther on Vocation, 73). So ordinary, in fact, that we might just miss them if we’re not paying attention.

Eyes on the Ends of the Earth

In the pursuit of holiness, many of us fall into the fool’s error: “The discerning sets his face toward wisdom, but the eyes of a fool are on the ends of the earth” (Proverbs 17:24). The fool can peer into the distance with marvelous perception — and trip over a rock at his feet. We too can become so interested in the grand steps of obedience we hope to take in the future that we miss the “offensively ordinary” steps right in front of us.

A single man may dream of sacrificing himself for a wife and children one day, and yet fail to do his chores in the meantime. An aspiring missionary may pray to one day plant a church among the unreached, and yet neglect her present small group. A postgrad may aspire to one day start a nonprofit, and yet cut corners in his job as a cashier. A young Christian may long to remain steadfast under future trials, and yet grumble at her roommate’s dirty dishes.

In each case, tomorrow’s obedience has become the enemy of today’s. The alternative, Solomon tells us, is to become like the discerning, who “sets his face toward wisdom” (Proverbs 17:24). And setting our faces toward wisdom will mean, in the first place, setting our faces toward today: today’s responsibilities, today’s burdens, today’s conversations, today’s means of grace — trifling though they may seem.

The wise know that a Christian becomes holy much like a cathedral becomes tall: one stone at a time. And stones are offensively ordinary things.

Whatever You Do

The pursuit of holiness, then, is both easier and harder than many of us imagine: Easier because our growth in grace often happens gradually, one small step at a time. Harder because sanctification has now invaded all of life. Holiness is hidden in offensively ordinary tasks, and those tasks are all around us.

“For now, do not despise the day of small obedience.”

Paul tells the Colossians, “Whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him” (Colossians 3:17). Our spiritual maturity rests in those words whatever and everything: obey God not only in the seen, but in the unseen; not only in the exceptional, but in the mundane; not only in the crisis moments of life, but in the seemingly casual moments strewn throughout our days.

The question we must ask, dozens of times every day, is not what God might have us do ten years from now, but rather “Will I obey God now, in this moment?” Will I stop the fantasy right as it starts? Will I pray instead of checking my phone (again)? Will I refuse my eyes a second glance? Will I speak the loving, uncomfortable word?

If that thought intimidates us, it should also cheer us. True, the Lord Jesus holds us accountable every moment; there is no such thing as “me time.” But he also stands ready at every moment to notice our faltering attempts at obedience and, wonder of wonders, to be pleased. Jesus will not miss the smallest deed done in his name, not even a cup of cold water given (Matthew 10:42), but will make note of it and prepare a fitting reward. For “whatever good anyone does, this he will receive back from the Lord” (Ephesians 6:8). And for whatever defects remain in our obedience (and defects there will always be), he has grace enough to cover them.

Begin Where You Are

Where, then, does this pursuit of holiness begin? It begins right where we are. In his Letters to Malcolm, C.S. Lewis offers “begin where you are” as a dictum for prayer. Instead of feeling pressure to open every prayer “by summoning up what we believe about the goodness and greatness of God, by thinking about creation and redemption and ‘all the blessings of this life’” (88), consider beginning smaller, even right where you are: thank him for the tree outside your window, the breakfast you just enjoyed, the child in the next room. For, as Lewis writes, we “shall not be able to adore God on the highest occasions if we have learned no habit of doing so on the lowest” (91).

A similar principle applies to our obedience. “One who is faithful in a very little is also faithful in much” (Luke 16:10), Jesus tells us. Indeed, apart from a few exceptions, only those who have first learned to be faithful in little are able to be faithful in much. Little is the best training ground for much.

Trusting God with an afternoon’s ruined plans trains us to trust him with our children’s salvation. Giving sacrificially with a tight income readies us to do so with a comfortable one. Unashamedly speaking of Jesus before a neighbor prepares us, should the day ever come, to speak his name before persecutors. For now, do not despise the day of small obedience.

Today may not hold grand opportunities for obedience, cumulative moments where our character, formed over years, is put to the test. Those days will come if we live long enough. But today, our tasks are probably smaller: Ask for forgiveness. Renounce the shameful thought. Give the kids your full attention. Speak a surprising word of encouragement. Store God’s word in your heart. Begin where you are.

Scott Hubbard is a graduate of Bethlehem College & Seminary and an editor for desiringGod.org. He and his wife, Bethany, live in Minneapolis.

Posted at: https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/the-offensively-ordinary-steps-to-godliness

The Essence of A Calvinistic Life

By Sinclair Ferguson

Calvinistic theology has always placed great emphasis on biblical and doctrinal knowledge, and rightly so. We are transformed by the renewing of our minds (Rom. 12:1-2). This transformation is a prerequisite for our worship, since it is by the Spirit’s illumination of our minds through Scripture that we gain understanding of God and His ways. But Calvinism—at least in its consistent forms—has never been merely cerebral. The history of Reformed Christianity is also the story of the highest order of spiritual experience. Calvinistic doctrine expressed in God-exalting words of praise leads to a distinctive Christian experience. The melody that is composed intellectually in Calvinistic theology and sung enthusiastically in Reformed worship also can be heard in the lifestyle and experience of Reformed Christians.

The seriousness of the Reformed world and life view means that, even when the melody is played in a minor key, it remains a melody. Indeed, to use a metaphor of Calvin, as this melody is played in the church, it becomes a glorious symphony blending the following motifs:

• Trust in the sovereignty of God.

• The experience of the power of God’s grace to save hopeless and helpless sinners.

• An overwhelming sense of being loved by a Savior who has died specifically and successfully for one’s sins.

• The discovery of a grace that has set one free to trust, serve, and love Christ while yet not destroying one’s will.

• The quiet confidence and poise engendered by knowing that God has pledged Himself to persevere with His people “till all the ransomed church of God is saved to sin no more.”

These motifs all conspire to give God alone the glory.

The essence of the Calvinistic life is living in such a way as to glorify God. This, after all, is the burden of the answer to the opening question of the Shorter Catechism written by the Westminster Assembly of Divines: “Man’s chief end is to glorify God, and to enjoy him for ever.” Here is the ultimate surprise in Calvinism for many people: the glory of God and the enjoyment of man are not antithetical, but are correlated in the purposes of God.

The view that God’s glory diminishes man and robs him of pleasure is, in the light (or should one say “darkness”?) of Genesis 3, the lie about God that was exchanged for the truth (Rom. 1:25). It is satanic theology that plays God against man.

In sharp contrast, biblical theology that exalts God in His sovereign grace and glory opens the door for man to enter into a quite different order of reality. Here is offered the experience of, and delight in, the rich pleasures of restoration to fellowship with God, transformation into the likeness of Christ, and anticipation of being with Christ where He is in order to see Him in His glory (John 17:24).

Posted at: https://www.ligonier.org/blog/essence-calvinistic-life/

6 Connotations for the Sufficiency of Scripture

by Brad Hambrick

In conversation there can often be a difference in “what a word means” and “how a word is used.” What matters to Webster’s dictionary is what a word means. What matters in a real conversation is how a word is used.

Here is simplistic example. In my generation of being a teenager you could observe this distinction in the way we used the word “cool.” If you use a thesaurus to get synonyms for the word cool, you’ll find entries such as: cold, chilly, nonchalant, or unruffled. The literal use of the word cool refers to either a temperature or a disposition.

However, we functionally used the word to mean things like awesome, impressive, or breathtaking. Generations before and after us did the words: knarly, far-out, wicked, radical, or my teenager’s current favorite “yeet.” Other than being annoying to our parents and English teachers this isn’t a big deal.

In theological conversations a similar phenomenon is happening with the word “sufficiency” particularly when it is applied to the usefulness of Scripture and counseling (my niche). Sufficiency is being used to reference a myriad of qualities of Scripture; often within the same conversation. From my experience, the debates that emerge around the concept of sufficiency frequently break down when the various synonyms for sufficiency are used interchangeably.

My hope in this article is to reflect on six of the most common connotations of sufficiency in hopes that clarity on these related concepts advances the quality and character of conversations around sufficiency.

1. Sufficiency: Scripture Is Complete

This is the classic use of the term “sufficiency of Scripture” by systematic theologians. For most of church history this is what was meant by the term. Sufficiency-as-completeness means “we have all the divine words God intended to give on any particular subject.” Stated simply, God is finished providing special revelation and we do not need an external rubric for interpreting the Bible; therefore, what we have in the Bible is the totality of what God intends to say through sacred text.

Sufficiency-as-completeness negates the claim that someone has “heard from God” in a manner that would allow them to contradict Scripture with divine authority. For counseling purposes, this use of sufficiency would mean that God has, in the Bible, provided all the inerrant, verbal guidance He intends to give for helping relationships, problems in living, emotions, relationships, mental health, etc.

2. Sufficiency: Scripture Is Adequate

This is the Duct Tape use of the term “sufficiency of Scripture.” Sufficiency-as-adequacy means that it is possible to get a task done using the Bible. This use of the term sufficiency makes no claim to exclusivity. For example, just because Duct Tape is sufficient to repair a broken item does not mean that Gorilla Glue is not also effective for the same repair task.

When sufficiency-as-adequacy becomes part of a debate around Scripture and counseling, it can often because one or both persons have assumed that the adequacy of A negates the adequacy of B. The logic can be, “If you think A is adequate for this task, then you must believe that B is useless.” An either-or debate emerges when a goodness-of-fit assessment would be more appropriate.

For example, “If you think [Bible study] is adequate to resolving anxiety, then you must believe [breathing exercises] are useless,” or vice versa. There is no reason for these two approaches to be mutually exclusive. It may be the during math test breathing exercises are the best-fit because they are not a cognitive distraction and during a quiet evening at home Bible study is a better fit because it keeps the individual cognitively engaged.

3. Sufficiency: Scripture Is Relevant

This is synonym for sufficiency speaks to the breadth and depth of subjects addressed in Scripture and seeks to assess how directly Scripture speaks to each of those subjects. When discussing the relevance of Scripture, we’re asking the question, “Does Scripture speak to [topic] and, if so, in what way?” We can ask this question about morality, marine biology, meaning of life, interpretation of historical events, politics, and every other subject matter.

When sufficiency-as-relevance becomes part of a debate, we are asking a question of overlap. In effect, we’re asking, “How much does the content of Scripture overlap with the subject being discussed?” The way Scripture speaks to the questions of marine biology is going to be different than the way it speaks to the morality of human cloning.

When tension emerges around sufficiency-as-relevance, it would be most helpful for each person to ask, “In what ways do you see Scripture speaking to this subject? How do you feel l am misapplying or under-utilizing Scripture in my approach?” Scripture can speak to a given subject by command, example, clear principle, inference, or extension of a theological implication. If our disagreement is about “how” Scriptures speak to a subject rather than “if” it speaks to a subject, it can significantly change the tone of a conversation.

4. Sufficiency: Scripture Is Primary or Authoritative

This connotation for sufficiency is making the strongest claim yet. It asserts the primacy and finality of Scripture. Sufficiency-as-authoritative claims that Scripture is right and normative in everything it addresses. Further, Scripture should be the first place we start in discerning the questions that will guide our thinking. To say that Scripture is authoritative is to refuse to give another source of knowledge equal weight in our thinking (note: “equal weight” is not the same as saying “any weight”).

When sufficiency-as-authoritative becomes part of a debate it is usually because one person believes the other person is negating a biblical command or principle in the conclusion they are drawing. When this is the case, the most effective response would be, “How do you reconcile your position/choice with [biblical text]. These seem in tension to me. I see three possibilities: (a) there other biblical texts I need to consider, (b) you think I am misapplying this text to the subject we’re discussing, or (c) something has more weight in your thinking on this subject than the Bible. Which of those do you think best explain our differences?”

5. Sufficiency: Scripture Is Powerful

If adequacy was the Duct Tape connotation for sufficiency, then powerful is the dynamite connotation. Here the potential transformative impact of faith, belief, and obedience to Scripture is the focal point. Often debates in this realm are either misguided arguments about relevance (see above), or a conversation caught up in the possibility-probability conundrum.

An example of the possibility-probability conundrum would be the addict who gets saved and never abuses their substance of choice again. As a possibility, we would rejoice in this testimony. As a probability or declaration of how God usually works, we would not affirm this as normative.

Similar to a previous point, the power of one thing does not imply the lack of power of another. The power of Scripture does not imply the lack of power in a friend’s example to motivate change, the sobering reality of death to reset priorities, or the power of changing patterns of thoughts to influence emotions.

6. Sufficiency: Scripture Is Exhaustive or Exclusive

The final connotation is the one that most who advocate for the sufficiency of Scripture deny holding, but still seems to come into debates on the subject. Here the question is how detailed and extensively does Scripture speak to every question we may face in life? It is commonly said in biblical counseling circles that the Bible was not intended by God to be an encyclopedia that offers a proof text to our every concern.

However, in discussions on sufficiency-as-exhaustive there is a wide variance of opinion on the degree of authoritative inference that can be drawn from the worldview of Scripture to address questions the Bible does not directly address. The partisan tensions that emerge over the exhaustiveness of Scripture can erase the good will that should have been able to be built over large areas of agreement about the completeness, adequacy, primacy, authority and power of Scripture (areas in which evangelicals agree).

“Scripture as exhaustive” is where differences emerge on the relative importance of subjects like using biofeedback to alleviate anxiety versus taking an exclusively faith-based approach, or exposure therapy approaches to lighten the effects of post-traumatic stress versus exclusively looking for ways to increase an individual’s faith response in moments of distress.

Utilization of these techniques are often implied to be a denial of sufficiency because they are not in the Bible. However, this conclusion is only accurate if sufficiency means exhaustive-exclusive and would imply that special revelation (the Bible) is in competition with general revelation (effective common grace approaches). The consistent testimony of Scripture is that general revelation is harmonious with but incomplete without special revelation.

Conclusion

My goal in this article was not to declare where every Christian ought to stand on each of these synonyms for sufficiency. Neither was my goal to provide an interpretive key by which it could be discerned how each of these synonyms best apply to every potential life struggle. Those are fascinating conversations I love to participate in but are beyond the scope of this brief article.

My goal was much more humble. Instead, my goal was to advance the discussion about the sufficiency of Scripture by clarifying the multiple connotations frequently given to the word sufficiency. My hope is that this can alleviate tensions that emerge when one word is used with several meanings in the same conversation.

Will this alleviate all tension? Absolutely not. There are real and important differences that exist. But if we remove tensions that emerge from the inconsistent use of language, we should be able to communicate more effectively about these differences. If, after reading this article, you can…

• …identify when the term sufficiency is being used with each of these six references,

• have the conceptual categories to clarify the various usages of sufficiency, in order to

• have a more fruitful conversation with someone at a different point on the sufficiency spectrum…

… this article has accomplished all that it set out to do!

Posted at: http://bradhambrick.com/6-connotations-for-the-sufficiency-of-scripture-clarifying-the-conversation/

Keep Your Eyes on Jesus

by Jared Wilson

Do you remember in Matthew 14:22-33 when Jesus came walking on the waves to his friends in the boat? The disciples were terrified at first, until he identified himself. Peter, always impetuous, asks for permission to join his Master on the waves. It is given, and so he does the good work of clambering over the side. Lo and behold, next to Jesus, he can walk on water too!

But it doesn’t last long, does it? Eventually he begins to sink beneath the waves and cries out for help. Why? Matthew 14:30 says it’s because he saw the strength of the wind. Peter had taken his eyes off Jesus.

And yet, Jesus still held on to Peter.

Just as it is grace top to bottom that saves us, it is faith beginning to end that sustains us. We do not start over by faith and then embark on a great “good works” self-improvement project. No, we “walk by faith” (2 Cor. 5:7). The author of Hebrews says, in fact, that we run by it:

Therefore, since we also have such a large cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us lay aside every weight and the sin that so easily ensnares us. Let us run with endurance the race that lies before us, 2 keeping our eyes on Jesus, the source and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that lay before Him endured a cross and despised the shame and has sat down at the right hand of God’s throne. (Heb. 12:1-2)

What is the weight—other than sin—that can easily ensnare us? Is it not our own sense of self-righteousness? Isn’t it anything, even good things, that can distract us from focus on Jesus? The author of Hebrews says to “keep our eyes” on him (v.2). Why? I think it’s because he knows that even in our spiritual disciplines, religious efforts, and theological studies, it is so easy to pursue these means as if they are ends to themselves. We want to look more holy, more knowledgeable, more “put together.” This is not walking or running by faith at all.

No, we must keep our eyes on Jesus. Every good work must be submitted to the glory of Jesus. Every spiritual discipline must be conducted as a means of deepening our friendship with Jesus. Every religious book read, every theological idea explored, every biblical doctrine studied must have as its aim a stirring of our affections for Jesus. Only by focusing on Jesus will we be able to endure in the Christian life and have a faith that lasts to the finish line.

It will not be easy. The life of faith is difficult. But there is a joy waiting for us beyond all comparison. It is the great, eternal joy of being reunited to the one in whom we have believed, having become convinced that he is able to guard what we’ve committed to him. Jesus is able to present us blameless before God’s glory without stumbling. Let us fix our eyes on him to the end.

Jared C. Wilson

Jared C. Wilson is the Director of Content Strategy for Midwestern Seminary, Assistant Professor of Pastoral Ministry at Spurgeon College, Director of the Pastoral Training Center at Liberty Baptist Church, and author of numerous books, including Gospel Wakefulness, The Pastor’s Justification, The Prodigal Church, The Imperfect Disciple, Supernatural Power for Everyday People, and The Gospel-Driven Church. A frequent preacher and speaker at churches and conferences, you can visit him online at jaredcwilson.com

posted at: https://ftc.co/resource-library/blog-entries/keep-your-eyes-on-jesus

How to Overcome Communication Problems

by Rick Thomas

All marriages experience difficulties. But for some Christians, their faith seems powerless to overcome the discord. They are unable to appropriate the gospel into their marriage practically. There is a solution for these struggling believers.

In other words, they do not have a plan to adequately address and neutralize the unrelenting presence of sin in their marriage (1 John 1:8). Thankfully, the gospel overcomes sin’s curse and restores us to God. Then, through the ongoing work of sanctification (Philippians 1:6), the gospel provides us the potential to change a marriage relationship radically.

This article intends to help couples understand how the gospel should shape their marriage and provide a practical plan to address sin within a marriage.

Purpose of Marriage

To build a healthy marriage, you must start with the right cornerstone; you must approach your union within a gospel context. Unfortunately, today’s culture has become the loudest voice in defining the purpose behind marriage. In the past centuries, marriage was used to secure and stabilize the influence of the family. A few hundred years ago, the concept of romantic love took over, and couples are now encouraged to marry (or not marry) for personal fulfillment and happiness.

The promise of romantic love is desirable and aligns with God’s created intention for relationship. However, under close examination, this view of marriage can quickly become a pathway to satisfy the lusts of the heart. I am not saying romantic love is a sin. But when it becomes the purpose, the marriage takes on a self-centered consumer attitude, “I will be this type of spouse if you are the spouse I want you to be.” Marital conflict results when you don’t meet agreed-upon expectations.

However, gospel love flows out of a covenant, and you don’t base it on the other’s performance. Additionally, the New Testament reveals the mystery of marriage. It is a reflection of the great union between the Messiah and his church (Ephesians 5:31-32). Jesus sees us stuck in our fallen human condition; He lowers and sacrifices Himself, and now leads us on a journey to future glory.

Thus, the gospel purpose of marriage is, “To help your spouse become their future-glory-self through sacrificial service. To help bring them to the full potential God has given them, and to participate in what God is trying to do in their lives.” Therefore, you must have a servant or ministry mindset in your marriage.

This worldview is not a mandate to try harder or sacrifice more. It is a call to repent of your self-serving motives and allow the Holy Spirit to transform the intentions behind your actions. Your motivation must flow from gratitude for God’s love to us through His work of executing His Son on the cross. We must always remember, “there is nothing in our lives that is more profound than what He did for us on the cross.”

Roles within Marriage

Secondly, you must have a correct and precise understanding of the roles within a marriage. Both husband and wife are equals serving in different functions to reflect and bring glory to God through gospel re-enactment. Both parts imitate Christ: husbands in the role of Christ, as He is the head of the church. And wives in the role of Christ, as the Son, who is submissive to the Father for the sake of our salvation.

The scope of this teaching exceeds the intent of this article; however, I will address the topic of submission. Fleshly desires of men have made a significant mess of this dynamic, so here are some key points to remember.

For the Husband

Biblical headship is one of a servant (1 Corinthians 11:3). Sacrificial love is the expression of his authority. Authority is not used to gain privileges but used to meet the needs of the wife/family and to build up the giver of submission.

Submission cannot be demanded, but only given freely by the wife. Thus, a husband cannot require his wife to submit. That is between her and God. If the husband uses anger, manipulations, or forces his wife into submission, he has disqualified himself as a leader in the marriage. A lack of submission is rarely the cause of marital discord.

The husband does possess tie-breaking authority, but he can only exercise the right if the wife is doing something destructive to her or the family. This occurrence should be rare. If both husband and wife are Christians, they both have the same Holy Spirit working within and should reach the same conclusion on the issue. The disagreement may take significant discussion, prayer, heart examination, and humility on both sides, but unity should prevail.

For the Wife

Many women struggle with the term “helper” used to describe the role of the wife. In today’s society, this term indicates a subordinate position. However, the Hebrew word for “helper” most frequently used in the Bible is used to describe God, as in “God our help.”

It is a role of strength or one who can only help from a position of power. It is not the role of assistant. It is also helpful to think about Christ’s submissive role. Kathy Keller states,

If submission is not an insult on the dignity, equality, or value of Jesus, in his submissive role to God the Father, in order to accomplish our salvation, how can I be hurt if I am asked to take on this role in my marriage?

To help accept this command, some women look for practical reasons to understand this arrangement, but this line of reasoning is unhelpful. It is an attempt to understand God’s intentions, and if you find no practical reason for the command, some women will struggle with the command. A better route to take is to is look to Christ (Hebrews 12:1-2) and to rest in God’s sovereign care (Deuteronomy 29:28).

When discussing the subject of submission, many women ask, “should I submit to a husband who is sinning against God?” This question becomes evident if you remember the purpose of marriage. Since your role is to serve him in a way to move him towards his future-glory-self, the answer is no. Your task is to oppose him in a redeeming way.

A Sin Plan

This part brings us to how to handle conflict within a marriage. Generally, this is a difficult subject to navigate for most couples. Hidden heart desires shaped by the shame, fear, and guilt within our souls (Jeremiah 2:13) and forged within our crooked hearts (Jeremiah 17:9) can lead couples to not only forget their in-Christ identity but the real purpose of marriage. This reaction results in quarrels and fights (James 4:1–4) as each party looks to defend their kingdom.

Thankfully, the Holy Spirit gives spiritual insight to understand heart motives and works within to bring humility. This response provides the potential to restore peace within the relationship, but shalom can only achieve if the interactions maintain a proper balance of truth and grace. It’s the balance of cooperating with the Spirit’s work in transforming hearts while continuing to tend and care for the soul.

Many Christian marriages error to the side of all grace and no truth, believing restoration is just a call to forgive. This contrivance allows couples to stay together, but it generates a false peace and hinders spiritual growth. The gospel can neutralize sin, but many times, it must first do its excellent work within the hearts of both spouses; moving them both towards their future-glory-selves.

Examination of heart motives, repentance, and looking to the gospel to overcome pockets of unbelief are often required, which requires speaking the truth. You will need to communicate God’s truth about yourself and what you discern in your spouse.

You will need to be transparent to share the details of your spiritual battle, so your spouse can pray, encourage, share gospel reminders, and help.

You need to speak to your spouse if they appear caught in a pattern of sin (Galatians 6:1). You must share your observations, check on your perceptions, and tell them the impact of their actions on yourself and the family. Truth is needed to help point out blind spots, to build a better relationship, and to assist your spouse in growing towards their future-glory-self.

On the flip side, all truth and no grace will break the relationship and most likely result in divorce. We see this frequently in marriages where the husband or wife does not place a priority on soul care (John 16:12; Romans 2:4). Or when their selfish heart motives have blinded them.

Heart Preparation

To maintain a healthy balance while engaging your spouse on marriage issues, you will need to prepare your heart before you interact with your spouse. You must first examine your heart to test your motives (Psalm 139:23-24) and make your heart to listen well.

Heart examination reveals if your heart is captivated by the Gospel, or by the flesh (Galatians 5:18-23). If your desires are not in line with the fruits of the Spirit, you must “do some business with God” before talking with your spouse.

If you have a fleshy mindset, you will want to pay your spouse back to prove you are right, or to make them back away from their position. Criticism done in this mode will eat away and erode at your love. However, if you are walking in the Spirit, your observations and views are a form of pruning and watering (1 Corinthians 3:6).

Secondly, you must prepare your heart to perceive. You must make it safe for your spouse to criticize you without fear of retribution. The heart can employ many tactics to avoid, divert, or deflect the criticism. The most common include anger, manipulation, blame-shifting, explaining too much, apologizing too much, escalating (“we should just get divorced”) or attacking back. These techniques are forms of self-reliance that will quench the work of Spirit and wound the soul of your spouse.

How do you respond to criticism? Are you able to seek to understand the concern better and search for possible blind spots within your heart, or do you feel the need to defend yourself? If you struggle in these areas, I encourage you to reflect upon the cross and remind yourself of your in-Christ identity.

I find this preparation is best accomplished by reading and praying through scripture. Matthew 5:1:12, 6:5-15; Luke 18:9-14 are my go-to verses. This process will help you empty yourself of “self” and move you forward in humility (James 4:6).

Finally, don’t forget about practical considerations. You must find the right time to engage with your spouse and avoid times when it is easier to sin (e.g., sick, tired, etc.)

Engagement

Now, you are ready to talk to your spouse. If you have to speak to your spouse about your marriage problems, begin by owning and confessing your issues. Despite how small you think your percentage is, admit those things without excuse.

Secondly, you attack the problem and not the person. Your marriage covenant is a one-flesh union. Both parties must be part of the solution. The conversation can go something like;

• “As I see it, you are doing this?”

• “It is affecting me like this?”

• “I wish you would do this instead.”

• “But I need to find out if I am missing something. Do I have this right or not?”

As the conversation continues, pray and ask for insight on possible heart motives, or pockets of un-belief. As you listen, ask yourself, “What are their thoughts about God, themselves, and the gospel?” If you are correct in your observations, there will be a breakdown in one of these three areas.

Remember, the goal of the conversation is to help move your spouse to their future-glory-self. The discussion should resemble Christ’s example of grace-filled truth, and you can only accomplish this by walking in the Spirit. Thus, you must continue to examine your own heart during the conversation.

If the discussion stays on track, you will get to the point of forgiveness and repentance. Rick’s website has many resources on forgiveness and transformation that will serve you well. I encourage you to visit. I pray this gives you and your spouse a new perspective and a starting point to live out your marriage before the Lord while enjoying the blessings of marriage.

Call to Action

I recommend that you and your spouse both read and discuss the topics of this article.

1. Are you both in agreement with the gospel purpose of marriage? Are you able to share where worldly views of marriage have infiltrated into your thinking? Are you ready to do this in a grace-filled environment?

2. Are you both in agreement with the gospel roles within marriage? Are you humble enough to share your doubts and fears about your calling within your one-flesh union? Are you able to pray together, asking the Holy Spirit for help?

3. Are you willing to help grow your spouse to their future glory self in a way that reflects Christ’s love and compassion? Are you ready to seek assistance in this journey by reaching out to your small group, church leadership, or using the resources found on RickThomas.net?

Disclaimer: The guidance provided in this article is for relatively stable marriages. If the brokenness of your relationship is beyond this guidance, I urge you to talk to your elders. If physical harm is taking place, you must contact the authorities.

Note: Most of the material comes from two sources; a talk provided by Tim and Kathy Keller titled, Cultivating a Healthy Marriage, and from various resources from RickThomas.net. I hope this article offers an at-hand summary of these edifying resources.

Posted at: https://rickthomas.net/overcome-communication-problems/

No, I Shall Not Want

by Scott Hubbard - Desiring God

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. (Psalm 23:1)

Every one of us wakes up each morning as a bundle of desires. Beneath even the most outwardly apathetic demeanor are loves, needs, and fears — each of them demanding our attention and obedience. Many of us move through our days largely unconscious of these basic emotions, even though they sit at the control panel of our hearts, pulling the levers that decide what we say and do.

A husband and father, for example, leaves work filled with a love for comfort. He obeys that love by coming home, not to his wife and kids, but to his couch and sports.

An employee walks into the office feeling a need for his peers’ approval. So he performs on the stage from nine to five, always listening for applause.

“We shall not want. Even in discomfort. Even in rejection. Even in the valley of the shadow of death.”

A young man, wounded from past relationships, fears the prospect of future pain. So he withdraws socially, insulating himself from anyone who might harm him.

Such loves, needs, and fears present themselves so persuasively, so forcefully, that we often fail to ask if they are feelings worth following. They can keep us from hearing another voice that has been speaking to us all the while, bidding us to walk a better path.

That Other Voice

God, in his mercy, makes us stop and listen. Behind the clamor of our desires, we hear the voice of a shepherd who invites us to green pastures and still waters. The trouble, however, is that his voice often leads in the opposite direction of our feelings. Our loves, needs, and fears push us toward one path; he calls us to another. To follow him, we must deny them.

In moments such as these, we encounter what C.S. Lewis calls “the real problem of the Christian life.” The decisions that define us as Christians often do not come with a flash and a bang. They come softly, almost noiselessly. They come, Lewis tells us,

the very moment you wake up each morning. All your wishes and hopes for the day rush at you like wild animals. And the first job each morning consists simply in shoving them all back; in listening to that other voice, taking that other point of view, letting that other larger, stronger, quieter life come flowing in. And so on, all day. (Mere Christianity, 198)

And what does that other voice — that larger, stronger, quieter life — teach us to say to our rebel feelings? Four words: “I shall not want” (Psalm 23:1).

‘I Shall Not Want’

Imagine you wake up with an instinctive love for comfort. You just want to move from bed to office to couch to bed without interruptions. You can’t be bothered by other people today, especially the needy ones. You need more rest, more me time. That hard conversation can wait until tomorrow. But then you stop and listen to that other voice, which teaches you to say, “When I walk into discomfort, I shall not want.”

Or perhaps you wake up feeling a deep need for approval. You just want others to appreciate you, listen to you, love you. You wish you were better looking, less awkward. You’re ready to laugh at jokes that aren’t funny and say things you don’t believe. But then that other point of view wraps its arm around your shoulder, and helps you say, “I have one Master to please today. When others reject or ignore me, I shall not want.”

Or maybe you wake up with a vague fear of coming trials. You just want to hold what’s precious in your life out of God’s reach. A crowd of what ifs runs through your mind, and you answer by searching for something to distract you. But then that larger, stronger, quieter life comes flowing in, and you find yourself saying, “When trouble comes, I shall not want.”

“Jesus spilled his blood in Golgotha’s dust so we could lie down in green pastures.”

The wild pack of loves, needs, and fears has rushed at you, but you have beaten them back with this four-word shove: I shall not want. You are ready to follow your shepherd wherever he leads. They may come back in the afternoon, or even ten minutes from now, but you know what to do. You plug your ears to their persuasions and remember, again and again, I shall not want.

And so on, all day.

‘The Lord Is My Shepherd’

Of course, the four words I shall not want possess no magical qualities. We cannot charm away temptation simply by saying them. Rather, they are powerful only insofar as we believe the words that come before them: “The Lord is my shepherd” (Psalm 23:1). How do we know with confidence that we shall not want, even when our loves, needs, and fears say just the opposite? Because the Lord Jesus Christ is our shepherd.

Jesus spilled his blood in Golgotha’s dust so we could lie down in green pastures (Psalm 23:2). He laid his soul in the grave so ours could be restored (Psalm 23:3). He allowed the valley of the shadow of death to swallow him so that it might become for us the highway to heaven (Psalm 23:4). Every morning, he sets a table for us, filled with rich food (Psalm 23:5). Every day, he sends his goodness and mercy to chase us, surround us, and keep us safe till we reach home (Psalm 23:6).

As we entrust ourselves to this shepherd, he takes his rod and his staff, and trains our feelings to follow him: to love him, to need him, to fear him. He teaches us, day by day, that as long as we are near him, we shall not want. Even in discomfort. Even in rejection. Even in the valley of the shadow of death.

Posted at: https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/no-i-shall-not-want

The Lord is... (part 5)

The Lord is…. My strength.

Psalm 28:7-8 “The Lord is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my son I give thanks to him.  The Lord is the strength of his people; he is the saving refuge of his anointed.”

Psalm 46:1  “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.”

Exodus 15:2  “The Lord is my strength and my song, and he has become my salvation; this is my God, and I will praise him, my father’s God, and I will exalt him.”

Psalm 118:14  “The Lord is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation.”

“I’m too tired.”

“I’m can’t do it.”

“I’m not the right person for this job.”

When we look at our circumstances and the tasks set before us, excuses leap to mind.  It is easy to look at ourselves, our weakness, our failings, our lack of knowledge, gifts, talents, or energy and not even try.  We get so caught up in not wanting to fail, that we never even take the first step toward accomplishing anything.

Moses keeps us in good company.  When God approached Moses in the form of the burning bush, and called Moses to go to Pharaoh and lead the Israelites out of Egypt, Moses tried all kinds of excuses.

Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the children of Israel out of Egypt? (Exodus 3:11)

If I come to the people of Israel and say to them, “The God of your fathers has sent me to you, and they ask me “What is his name?” what shall I say to them? (Exodus 3:13)

But behold, they will not believe me or listen to my voice, for they will say, “The Lord did not appear to you.” (Exodus 4:1)

Oh my Lord, I am not eloquent, either in the past or since you have spoken to your servant, but I am slow of speech and tongue.” (Exodus 4:10)

Oh my Lord, please send someone else. (Exodus 4:13)

Moses’ list of excuses, fearing his own lack of strength and ability, sound a lot like ours.  Essentially he says,

I’m not the right person.

I won’t know what to say.

I won’t be believed.

I’m not a good speaker.

I’m just don’t want to do it.

To each excuse God has a response.

I will be with you. (Exodus 3:12)

I AM who I AM. (Exodus 3:14)

The Lord said to him, “What is that in your hand?... Throw it on the ground… and it became a serpent…  Put out your hand and catch it by the tail… and it became a staff in his hand.. That they may believe that the Lord, the God of their fathers… has appeared to you. (Exodus 4:3-5)

Who made man’s mouth? (Exodus 4:11)

And then the Lord sends Aaron to help Moses speak. (Exodus 4:14)

We have good reason to doubt our own strength.  Scripture tells us that we are like a mist that appears for a short time and then vanishes.  Scripture tells us that we are like grasshoppers in comparison to the greatness of God. Scriptures reminds us that we are dust.  We are jars of clay. The pictures used to describe humans are frail and small. First Corinthians 4:7 reminds us that God has given us every talent, gift, strength, and weakness that we have.  “What do you have that you did not receive? If then you received it, why do you boast as if you did not receive it?” God knows the strength, or lack of it, that we have because he has apportioned it to us.  The question is, do you rely on your own strength, or on God’s?

God is strength for the weary.

Following Christ is hard.  It is easy for us to get overwhelmed with life.  It’s easy to get discouraged in our circumstances and allow our eyes to focus on our problems rather than on Christ.  At times we run to God in his word and in prayer, but at times we shuffle toward him or collapse in the exhaustion of waiting for an answer or from the pain of trials and suffering.  But God is our strength! God never gets tired! God never has less energy or less power. God doesn’t “use up” his strength as he continually works to sustain all life every moment of every day.  He never has more strength or less strength. He doesn’t need to sleep and “recharge his batteries”. He never needs solitude and quiet to renew his strength. He never changes! His strength is perfect at all times!

Isaiah 40:28-31  “Have you not known?  Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.  He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength.  Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.”

There is no need to fear that we won’t be able to finish the race with Christ.  We run with perseverance because He is our strength. God does not call us to follow him and then leave us on our own to keep up with him and sustain ourselves.  God is our strength!

God is strength for the weak.

We associate weakness with wimpiness.  We think of weakness as one of the worst possible traits a person can have.  Self-sufficiency is prized and strived for. However, we all know we are weak.  And that’s a good thing!

Paul goes through a long list of strength in 2 Corinthians 11.  He gives his pedigree as a sign of his strength. He is a Hebrew, an Israelite, an offspring of Abraham, a better servant of Christ; his labors are greater, his sufferings have been worse, his imprisonments have been longer.  He lists things that should be considered strength to society. Paul has the background and the proven track record of strength in enduring terrible circumstances. Yet instead of boasting of his accomplishments, he boasts of God’s strength that has been the force behind every single thing he has done.

“So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited.  Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me.  But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” (2 Corinthians 12:7-10)

Paul knew his own weakness.  He knew he wouldn’t be able to preach God’s word faithfully and endure hardship in a God-honoring way without God’s strength.  He boasted of his own weakness, knowing that God alone was the strength that helped him endure.  

You will miss out on God’s strength if you always stay within your comfort zone. God’s strength shines in weakness, when we step outside of our own ability, and have to trust God in a new or scary experience, we see Him at work.  If we continue in old habitual responses, or stay close to what we are sure will go easy and smoothly for us, we fail to rely on God’s strength. 

God is our strength.  When you think you can’t possible respond well to a hurtful spouse, God is your strength.  When your teenagers have rebelled and you want to run and hide, God is your strength. When you are asked to do an assignment that you think is too big or too scary, God is your strength.  When 1 Corinthians 13:10 promises that there is a way out of temptation, God is saying that he is the strength behind finding the way out of your circumstance that pleases him. We don’t do anything of eternal value in our own strength.  We rely on God to work through us.

God gives us the spirit of power.  “For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands, for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control” (2 Timothy 1:6-7).  This spirit of power is the same spirit that raised Christ from the dead and now dwells in you (Romans 8:11). Jesus himself said “I can do nothing on my own.” Christ also was dependent on the power of God to accomplish the will of God.  God delights to give his children the power to glorify his name. Whenever we respond in denying ourselves, the strength of God enables it, which is why it is pleasing to God. When you are tempted to a sinful response, but stop and trust God and his promises, you display the strength of God.  

When was the last time you took a risk for God?  Maybe you shared the gospel even though your heart was pounding?  Maybe you choose to ask for forgiveness first even though the other person had sinned too.  Maybe you chose to respond kindly to a harsh word trusting God’s promise to experience peace and rest for your soul when you seek to please him.

If you can’t remember the last time you did something that required God’s strength, what will you do now?