marriage

Seven Dangers You Face as a Spiritually-Single Christian

By Robert Jones

While marriage can be difficult, being married to a non-Christian can be doubly difficult. But God can help you.

By spiritually-single, I mean believers in Christ married to those who don’t follow Jesus Christ. Jesus envisioned the possibility of spiritually-mixed marriages in passages like Luke 14:25-27. The apostle Paul addresses this reality in 1 Corinthians 7:12-16, as does the apostle Peter in 1 Peter 3:1-6. Thankfully, each passage brings direction and hope.

How did you become spiritually single? Perhaps you and your spouse were both unsaved when you married, but the Lord graciously saved you. Or maybe you were a believer who didn’t know God’s command only to marry a believer (1 Cor. 7:39-40; 2 Cor. 6:14-18). Or you knew God’s command, but you disregarded or defied it, and you married your non-Christian fiancé anyway. Or you thought that person was a believer, but your spouse now evidences no commitment to the Lord.

Regardless of how you formed your spiritually-mixed marriage, you now face an array of daily spiritual dangers as a Christian. Consider seven temptations you uniquely meet in your marriage.

1. Letting Your Good Desire for Your Spouse’s Conversion Rule Your Heart

While we should strongly yearn for our unsaved spouse to know and submit to King Jesus, even this desire can become idolatrous if it becomes a demand toward God or if we live with despair, anger, or anxiety if it doesn’t happen (e.g., Luke 24:21). It can lead to manipulative attempts to make your spouse a Christian. Instead, ask God to help you learn to balance fervent prayer with biblical trust and contentment.

2. Daydreaming about Being Married to a Christian

The world continually sends messages that tempt us toward discontentment. Even Christian romance novels, films, or social media—or a Christian man or woman you know—can tempt you to long for a better or different godly partner. But escapism through fantasy denies God’s sovereign, wise, and good purposes for you. God was not asleep when you wed your spouse—He was at the ceremony—even if you did so unwisely.

3. Envying Those Who Have a Christian Spouse

No doubt, there are benefits to a two-believer marriage. Christian couples find it easier to make joint decisions, raise their children, and handle finances and in-laws. But comparison will tempt you toward discontentment. Envy assaults God’s goodness. It leaves you no room to rejoice with these brothers and sisters, thank God for their salvation, pray for them, serve them, and enjoy them. Moreover, we can forget that their remaining sin means even those marriages remain imperfect.

4. Becoming Angry at God and Blaming Him

Resentment complains, “I can’t believe God allowed me to fall in love with a non-Christian man.” It accusingly asks, “Why, God, have you not saved my spouse yet? Don’t you love me enough to give me what I’ve prayed for?” Unanswered prayer tests our belief in God’s goodness and our willingness to rest in God’s sovereign, electing grace. Believers must learn to replace sinful anger against God with godly lament. Like the psalmists, tell God your struggles. But remember your finiteness, rehearse His glorious acts and attributes, repent of your accusations against Him, and learn to trust His wisdom.[1]

5. Expecting Christian Thinking or Behavior from Your Unsaved Spouse

Does your spouse’s sinful behavior shock you? Why? The apostle Paul reminds you, “The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God” (Rom. 8:6-8; cf. 1 Cor. 2:14). Don’t expect your non-Christian spouse to act biblically; they are incapable of this apart from a saving relationship with Christ and the power of the Holy Spirit.

6. Compromising Your Godly Convictions

Because marriage involves joint decisions, some situations will tempt you to compromise your godly convictions. Maybe to avoid conflict, you have given in to your spouse’s ungodly decisions. Or you don’t know when to speak up in disagreement and when to keep quiet, trust God, and pray. Ask God to fortify your godly convictions but to help you voice and live them graciously. At the same time, make sure your standards are biblically-based—not higher than God’s—so as not to impose legalistic pressure on you or your unsaved spouse.

7. Proudly Comparing Yourself to Your Unbelieving Spouse

Along with the point above, remember you also were once incapable of acting biblically. Paul calls us “to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and always to be gentle toward everyone”—including an unsaved spouse—because, before God saved us, “at one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another” (Titus 3:2-3). You were saved by grace alone. And even now, apart from the Lord, you can do nothing (John 15:5). According to our Lord’s parable of the Pharisee and the tax collector in Luke 18:9-14, the only thing worse than being an evildoer (or whatever sins you dislike about your spouse) is being proud you are not one. In short, you were not as good as you think you were then, and not as good as you think you are now. Whatever godliness you display is solely because of the Spirit’s transforming work in you.

Conclusion

Living as a Christian with a spouse who doesn’t follow Jesus brings numerous challenges. But as hard as that is for you right now, remember the devastating eternal destiny your spouse faces. Unless God saves them, they are heading toward final judgment and a Christ-less eternity. Recall that God saved you when you were “powerless, ungodly, sinners, and God’s enemies” (Rom. 5:6, 8, 10). Ask God to do that for your unsaved spouse. And as you do, love that person with the love Christ has given you. Live out this relationship with godly deeds and attitudes (1 Pet. 3:1-6).

Questions for Reflection 

  1. Which of these seven temptations are most problematic for you?

  2. What does God’s Word say about them? Have you talked to God about them?

  3. Have you shared your struggle with your pastors and with godly (same gender) brothers or sisters? Point them to this article and ask them to pray for you, encourage you, and coach you in being a godly spouse in your spiritually-mixed marriage.

[1] See Robert D. Jones, Angry at God? Bring Him Your Doubts & Questions, (Phillipsburg, NJ: P&R, 2003).

Posted at: https://www.biblicalcounselingcoalition.org/2020/11/23/seven-dangers-you-face-as-a-spiritually-single-christian/

Resurrection-Focused Marriage Counseling, Part 1: Having Hope as a Biblical Marriage Counselor

By Bob Kellemen

A Word from Bob: Today is the first of a two-part blog mini-series on biblical marriage counseling. Part 1 focuses on Having Hope as a Marriage Counselor. Part 2 focuses on Offering Hope to Hurting Couples. I’ve developed these two posts from Chapter 5 of my new book, Gospel-Centered Marriage Counseling: An Equipping Guide for Pastors and Counselors.

Infusing HOPE in the Midst of Hurt 

Biblical marriage counselors are soul physicians who serve under the great Soul Physician. When we meet with a hurting couple, we do not pretend that their problems are non-existent. We take them, their hurts, and their problems seriously—seriously enough that we prescribe major heart surgery. But we also do not panic. God, in His Word, has the plan for marriage and marital healing.

Because couples frequently come to us having lost all hope, before we do anything else we launch the marriage counseling process by infusing hope in the midst of hurt. We put into action resurrection-focused marriage counseling. Here’s how we spell marital HOPE:

  • H Having Hope as a Marriage Counselor: Practicing Resurrection-Focused Counseling

  • O Offering Hope to Hurting Couples: Trusting God to Do Abundantly More Than We Can Imagine

  • P Promoting God’s Perspective: Joining the Eternal Story

  • E Enlightening Couples: Believing and Growing Together in Christ

Note: In this blog mini-series, we’re covering the “H” and the “O” of “HOPE.” You can learn more about the “P” and the “E” of “HOPE” in Chapter 5 of Gospel-Centered Marriage Counseling.

Mingling Hurt and Hope: Empathetic Encouragement

In marriage counseling, somebody better have hope, because the typical couple comes to us not with resurrection hope, but with the fear that their marriage is dead. As they share with us their problem-saturated stories of despair, they are in desperate need of hope—the hope that God can resurrect dead marriages.Our role is to join with them in their pain and hurt, but not in their despair. I call this approach “empathetic encouragement”—entering their marital story of pain, while helping them enter God’s eternal story of hope.

The Scriptures constantly mingle hurt and hope. In Romans 8, before Paul speaks of God working all things together for good (Romans 8:28-39), he speaks of suffering and groanings that cannot be put into words (Romans 8:17-27).

Jesus relentlessly mingles hurt and hope. In John 16:31, he sandwiches hope around hurt. “I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace (hope). In this world you will have trouble (hurt). But take heart! I have overcome the world (hope).”

Paul consistently mingles hurt and hope. “We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death (hurt). But this happened so that we might not rely on ourselves, but on the God who raises the dead (hope)” (2 Corinthians 1:8-9). God raises dead people—like the couple sitting in front of us. God raises dead things—like dead marriages.

In our initial interactions with hurting couples, it is not either/or—either we enter their story of hurt or we enter God’s story of hope. Instead, it is both/and—we enter their story of hurt and we journey with them to God’s story of hope.

The movement between hurt and hope is a delicate dance—which is why I devote an entire section in Chapter 7 of Gospel-Centered Marriage Counseling to empathetic encouragement. Here in this blog post, our focus is on the need to infuse hope early on in marriage counseling.

The Counselor’s Struggle for Hope

When couple after couple enter our office with seemingly impossible and intractable problems, it’s easy for us as the counselor to begin to lose hope. The first battle in marriage counseling is the counselor’s battle for hope.

How we as biblical counselors perceive and define situations is critical. Do we so define problems that we make them unsolvable? Modern Christianity has lost hope. We have succumbed to a pessimistic, negative mindset. This is so unlike New Testament Christianity.

  • “You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world” (1 John 4:4).

  • “For everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith” (1 John 5:4).

  • “But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ” (1 Corinthians 15:57).

  • “And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God” (Romans 5:2).

I’ve been pondering why we are blind to our resources in Christ.

  • We are not praying for enlightenment to know God’s power and love (Ephesians 1:15-23; 3:14-21).

  • Satan blinds us to God’s good work in us (2 Corinthians 4:1-18).

  • We fail to stir up, provoke, encourage, and fan into flame the gift of God within each other (Hebrews 10:24-25; 2 Timothy 1:6-7).

  • We look at life with eyeballs only rather than with spiritual eyes (2 Corinthians 10:4-7).

  • We forget that Paul’s marriage and family principles (Ephesians 5-6) are sandwiched between the Spirit’s filling and God’s spiritual armor (Ephesians 5:18-21; 6:10-18).

Bathing Our Minds—as Biblical Counselors—in Gospel Hope

Our hope is not in the situation; not in the couple; not in our training, skillfulness, winsomeness, or experience. Our hope is in the God who resurrects dead things, like dead marriages.

Biblical marriage counselors must constantly remind themselves of the Bible’s redemptive meta-narrative. Everything in Scripture is moving toward resurrection hope. Everything in Scripture is saturated with the gospel good news of a God who declares, “I am generously good and gracious.”

Everything in Scripture moves toward Paul’s inspired declaration in Romans 8:31-32.

“What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?”

We can practice resurrection-focused marriage counseling if we keep bathing our minds in gospel truths like:

  • Since God is the great Rewarder (Hebrews 11:6), He will provide grace to help for all those couples who diligently seek Him in their time of marital need (Hebrews 4:16; 11:6).

  • Where sin abounds, grace super-abounds (Romans 5:20), therefore, God provides us with all the resources we need to experience Christ-honoring marriages (2 Peter 1:3-4).

  • Since God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16), He offers us His spiritual resources (Ephesians 1:15-23) and resurrection power (Philippians 3:10) to defeat the great Divorcer (Satan) (Ephesians 6:10-18).

  • Because marriage has the eternal purpose of reflecting Christ’s marriage to the church (Ephesians 5:21-33), God will stop at nothing to protect His reputation and display His glory through saving our marriages (Ephesians 3:1-21).

If we believe that God provides everything couples need for life and godliness, then we will see their marital problems as God’s opportunity to reveal more of His love, grace, and power. So, as we receive the initial contact via email, phone call, text message, or in person, these are the sort of resurrection-focused thoughts that could be dancing through our minds as biblical counselors:   

  • “What Ephesians 3:20 amazing and surprising work is God up to in this marriage?”

  • “Who do they want to become together in Christ and what biblical process would guide them there?”

  • “What unique resources do they possess that we can fan into flame?”

  • “The very fact that they called tells me that they’ve not given up all hope. I wonder how they’ve cooperated with God to maintain hope in the midst of their troubles?” 

The Rest of the Story 

Join me for Part 2, where we’ll explore Offering Hope to Hurting Couples. For all of the rest of the story, check out Gospel-Centered Marriage Counseling. 

Join the Conversation 

  1. The Bible is hope-centric. You just read a few of the myriad biblical passages on hope—1 John 4:4; 1 John 5:4; 1 Corinthians 15:57; and Romans 5:2. What are your “go-to” passages on hope?

  1. “The first battle in marriage counseling is the counselor’s battle for hope.” When a couple comes to you deceived by Satan, defeated by their situation, and hopeless, how do you as their counselor battle for hope—in your soul, in your mindset?

  1. “How we perceive and define situations is critical. Do we so define problems that we make them unsolvable?” How do you help couples to develop a biblical, hope-filled, perception of their problems?

  1. You just read biblical principles/passages for bathing your mind in gospel hope. Which of those passages and principles stand out the most to you? Why? How do you apply them in your life and in your counseling?

Posted at: https://rpmministries.org/2020/10/resurrection-focused-marriage-counseling-part-1-having-hope-as-a-biblical-marriage-counselor/

Don’t Quit the Everyday Work of Marriage

 Paul David Tripp

Couples Can’t Coast

Here is what I have told couples again and again. It is what I have endeavored to live in my own marriage as well. The reconciliation of a marriage must be a lifestyle, not just the response you have when things go bad. Consider why this must be the case. If you are a sinner married to a sinner—and you are—then it is very dangerous and potentially destructive to allow yourself to coast as a couple. You simply will not live a day together where no act of thoughtlessness, self-interest, anger, arrogance, self-righteousness, bitterness, or disloyalty will rear its ugly head. Often it will be benign and low-level, but it will still be there.

If you are going to have a marriage that lives in unity, understanding, and love, you must have a little-moment approach. All this does is recognize the nature of the life God has designed for us. In his wisdom, God has crafted a life for us that does not careen from huge, consequential moment to huge, consequential moment. In fact, if you examine your life, you will see that you have actually had few of those moments. You can probably name only two or three life-changing situations you have lived through. We are all the same; the character and quality of our life is forged in little moments. Every day we lay little bricks on the foundation of what our life will be. The bricks of words said, the bricks of actions taken, the bricks of little decisions, the bricks of little thoughts, and the bricks of small-moment desires all work together to form the functional edifice that is your marriage. So, you have to view yourself as a marital mason. You are daily on the job adding another layer of bricks that will determine the shape of your marriage for days, weeks, and years to come.

A longtime Christian counselor presents reconciliation as a lifestyle for all marriages and illustrates this grace-based approach with six daily commitments that will equip couples to navigate the day-to-day realities of married life.

Perhaps this is precisely the problem. It is the problem of perception. We just don’t tend to live life this way. We tend to fall into quasi-thoughtless routines and instinctive ways of doing things that are less self-conscious than they need to be. And we tend to back away from the significance of these little moments because they are little moments. You see, the opposite is true: little moments are significant because they are little moments. These are the moments that make up our lives. These are the moments that set up our future. These are the moments that shape our relationships. We must have a “day-by-day” approach to everything in our lives, and if we do, we will choose our bricks carefully and place them strategically.

It All Takes Time

Things don’t go bad in a marriage in an instant. The character of a marriage is not formed in one grand moment. Things in a marriage go bad progressively. Things become sweet and beautiful progressively. The development and deepening of the love in a marriage happens by things that are done daily; this is also true with the sad deterioration of a marriage. The problem is that we simply don’t pay attention, and because of this we allow ourselves to think, desire, say, and do things that we shouldn’t.

Let me play out this life of little-moment inattention for you. You squeeze and crinkle the toothpaste tube even though you know it bothers your spouse. You complain about the dirty dishes instead of putting them in the dishwasher. You fight for your own way in little things, rather than seeing them as an opportunity to serve. You allow yourself to go to bed irritated after a little disagreement. Day after day you leave for work without a moment of tenderness between you. You fight for your view of beauty rather than making your home a visual expression of the tastes of both of you. You allow yourself to do little rude things you would never have done in courtship. You quit asking for forgiveness in the little moments of wrong. You complain about how the other does little things, when it really doesn’t make any difference. You make little decisions without consultation.

You quit investing in the friendship intimacy of your marriage. You fight for your own way rather than for unity in little moments of disagreement. You complain about the other’s foibles and weaknesses. You fail to seize those openings to encourage. You quit searching for little avenues for expressing love. You begin to keep a record of little wrongs. You allow yourself to be irritated by what you once appreciated. You quit making sure that every day is punctuated with tenderness before sleep takes you away. You quit regularly expressing appreciation and respect. You allow your physical eyes and the eyes of your heart to wander. You swallow little hurts that you would have once discussed. You begin to turn little requests into regular demands. You quit taking care of yourself. You become willing to live with more silence and distance than you would have when you were approaching marriage. You quit working in those little moments to make your marriage better, and you begin to succumb to what is.

Every day we lay little bricks on the foundation of what our life will be.

Why do we quit paying attention? Because it is hard work to care, it is hard work to discipline ourselves to be careful, and it is hard work to always be thinking of the other person. Now, be prepared to have your feelings hurt: you and I tend to want the other to work hard because that will make our lives easier, but we don’t really want to have to sign in for the hard work ourselves. Oh, I’m not done! I think there is an epidemic of marital laziness among us. We want to be able to coast and have things not only stay the same but get better. And I am absolutely persuaded that laziness is rooted in the self-centeredness of sin. We have already examined the antisocial danger of this thing inside us that the Bible calls sin. We have already considered that it turns us in on ourselves, but it does something else. It reduces us to marital passivity. We want the good things to come to us without the hard work of laying the daily bricks that will result in the good things. And we are often more focused on what the other is failing to do and more focused on waiting for him to get his act together than we are on our own commitment to doing whatever is daily necessary to make our marriages what God intended them to be.

You can have a good marriage, but you must understand that a good marriage is not a mysterious gift. No, it is, rather, a set of commitments that forges itself into a moment-by-moment lifestyle.

Reconciliation as a Lifestyle: What Does This Mean?

There is a very interesting passage in 2 Corinthians that provides a model for what this day-by-day lifestyle looks like.

For Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again. So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God. God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. (5:14–21 NIV)

This passage is a call to a particular way of thinking about and living in our relationship to God. What it calls us to in our relationship with God is a wonderful model for our relationship with one another in marriage. This is always true. The first great commandment always defines the second great commandment.

Paul understands that we have been reconciled to God by an act of his grace. He knew that there is no way for us to earn God’s love or deserve his favor but, having said that, he was also quick to remind us that reconciliation to God is both an event and a process. Notice the words of verse 20: “We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God.” Who is the “you” that Paul is addressing? (The “you” is not in the original, although it is surely implied.) The “you” is the Corinthian church. Now, maybe you’re thinking, “Paul, if these people are believers, haven’t they already been reconciled to God?” The answer is yes and no. Yes, they have been reconciled to God in the advent sense of God’s acceptance of them in Christ. But there is another reconciliation that is still going on. To the degree that we continue to live for ourselves (2 Cor. 5:15), to that degree we still need to be reconciled to God. Since, in some way, we live for ourselves every day, we need to be reconciled daily to God in confession and repentance. What a perfect model this is for our marriages!

Yes, you’ve already made that one-time decision to live in love with one another, but you don’t always live as if you have. To the degree that you daily, in some way, continue to live for yourself, to that degree you daily need to be reconciled to God and to one another. You don’t just coast along, hoping somehow, someway to avoid the bad stuff. No, you live with reconciliation intentionality. You live with humble hearts and eyes wide open. You are ready to listen and willing to hear. You examine and consider. You take on habits of reconciliation that become the daily lifestyle of your marriage. And you make those habits a regular part of your daily routine.

Sadly, I think there are few couples who actually live this way. How many couples do you know who say that their relationship is the best it has ever been and that it is getting better all the time? How many couples say that they are now experiencing a deeper level of unity, understanding, and love than they have ever known? How many couples say that their spouse is their deepest, closest, and most precious friend? These things are not like a romantic cloud that you happen to wander into. No, they are the rich, relational blessing of living the way God, who created marriage, intended us to live. They are not relational luxuries for the romantically inclined. No, they are the essentials of a truly healthy and happy marriage, one that not only makes you smile but makes God smile as well.

This article is adapted from What Did You Expect?: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage by Paul David Tripp.

Paul David Tripp (DMin, Westminster Theological Seminary) is a pastor, award-winning author, and international conference speaker. He has written numerous books, including the best seller New Morning Mercies. His nonprofit ministry exists to connect the transforming power of Jesus Christ to everyday life. Tripp lives in Philadelphia with his wife, Luella, and they have four grown children.

Posted at: https://www.crossway.org/articles/dont-quit-the-everyday-work-of-marriage/

A Christian Marriage: What Is Not and Should Be Unique?

BY BRAD HAMBRICK 

Sometimes when I hear Christians talk about marriage, it sounds a bit idealistic. Some of the “if you do things God’s way…” promises feel a recipe for happily ever after. The logic seems to be that because God created marriage, Christians have a leg up on everybody else for having a satisfying marriage. But if that were actually true, then the divorce rate between Christian and non-Christians would not be as closely correlated as they are.

There are times when our ideals can make us naïve to key realities that challenge marriages. If this happens, one of our primary assets (i.e., truth) becomes a liability (i.e., truth inaccurately used to reinforce a false perspective). That is the goal of this reflection – to help us avoid that liability. I want to consider 5 things that are not unique in Christian marriage and 5 things that should be unique.

5 Things that Are Not Unique

1. Intelligence and Other Aptitudes

Christians are not smarter than non-Christians. We don’t score higher on IQ tests or the SAT. This is true for other aptitudes as well. Christians fall across the spectrum of relational intelligence, emotional intelligence, self-awareness, perspective taking, and other aptitudes at the same rate as non-Christians. Whatever advantages that exist for being strong and disadvantages from being weak in these areas are faced proportionally by Christian and non-Christian marriages.

2. Annoyances

Christians are just as quirky as non-Christians. We have our idiosyncrasies and pet peeves like everybody else. Young Christians are immature (i.e., lacking life experience and the perspective of age) just like young non-Christians. We each have odd habits, interests, and fixations. Simply put, Christian spouses get on each other’s nerves just as much as non-Christian spouses. Whatever challenges and interferences personal annoyances bring to a marriage are equally experienced by Christian and non-Christian marriages.

3. Income

Christians exists at everyone point on the economic spectrum; just like non-Christians exist at every point on the economic spectrum. There are challenges and temptations created by poverty. There are challenges and temptations created by abundance. In order to arrive at a mutually satisfying marriage both the Christian and non-Christian couple are on equal footing here. Neither has an inherent advantage over the other.

4. Stress

Life is hard for the Christian and non-Christian couple alike. Each new season of life has the same uncertainties regardless of one’s faith commitment. All couples make decisions wanting more certainty about the future than they can have. Changes in the economic or political climate of a culture affect Christian and non-Christian couples relatively equally.

5. Love for One Another

Both Christian and non-Christian couples get married because they love one another. Neither get married with the intent to make the other person miserable. Both have a vision for a happy family that cares for one another. At least until one spouse gets upset with the other, both Christian and non-Christian couples make decisions to bless one another. When things go sour, either can become vindictive.

What do we learn from this? Christians do not have a “home field advantage” when it comes to marriage. We face the kind of challenges with the kind of abilities and resources that every other couple face. You could easily add to this list. If nothing else, this reality should make it easier for us to relate to our non-Christian friends and for them to relate to us. Honesty about the things that make life and relationships hard should be a point of common ground that builds trust through authenticity.

5 Things that Should Be Unique

1. Honesty about Faults and Weaknesses

Christians should be more honest and more quickly confess when our sin offends our spouse. The same should be true for our weaknesses. The entry point of the Christian faith is admitting our sinfulness and inadequacy. Being quick to own our faults should be a major advantage for a Christian marriage. Frequently saying, “I was wrong,” should give life and validity to the words, “I love you.” Owning our faults and avoiding defensiveness is a major marital advantage when we live consistent with our faith.

2. Grace towards Faults

Christians should reflect the grace they’ve received from God in how they respond to the faults of others. Our response to the faults of others should create an environment where the words, “I was wrong,” are more easily spoken because we know they will be received with grace. How quickly we own our faults and give grace to the faults of others is a key marker of a gospel-saturated home environment.

3. Being Known

Christians do not ask their marriage to be their church. Christian couples live in community with other Christian couples who are seeking to honor God in their marriages. This means two things: when things get hard, Christian couples (a) have people they trust to talk to and (b) are willing to listen to what those friends say. To say this another way, because Christian couples recognize how sin biases their perspective, they are teachable and intentionally avoid living in isolation.

4. Growing in Virtues

Christians are regularly pursuing character formation. Because of our salvation, we know we have a duty to grow in Christlikeness and, when our hearts are right, we delight to do so. Christians don’t just pursue “professional development” in our career and greater skill in our hobbies, we regularly and intentionally seek to be more Christlike. Christlike character qualities serve as a protection for a marriage.

5. Purpose

Christians don’t just share common interests with their spouse, which are subject to change with each season of life. We share a common purpose that gives shared meaning to our individual interests. Our greater commitment to Christ and the gospel should prevent our individual interests from becoming so important to us that they begin to create division and disinterest between us.

Do Christians do these perfectly? Absolutely not. But these things are central to what it means to be a Christian. Embracing the necessity of Christ’s life-death-resurrection as the necessary payment for our sin results in these things. These qualities can be present regardless of our intelligence, abilities, quirks, income, stressors, or the rise-and-fall in our love for one another (see list above). These are things that people who know us more than casually should be able to observe.

Conclusion

Here is the challenge I will leave you with. Is your marriage distinctive in these five ways? If you are a Christian, it should be. If the answer is no, I would challenge you to consider whether you have a Christian marriage, or just happen to be two Christians who are married. Being a Christian should positively impact our marriages.  It is through these marks of being a Christian that God protects and blesses our marriage. If you find you are resistant to these markers of a Christian marriage, I would encourage you to consider whether the problem is your resistance to God’s design (for marriage and your life) rather than your spouse (blame shifting) or irreconcilable differences (giving up).

These five areas also serve as a way that you can intentionally enrich the distinctive quality of your marriage. To circle back to where we started, too often we can fall into the trap of thinking a Christian marriage is one without challenges, because “after all, if we did it God’s way, wouldn’t it work smoothly.” I hope this reflection help you set that mindset aside and opens up more authentic conversation about how you can enrich your marriage.

Posted at: http://bradhambrick.com/a-christian-marriage-what-is-not-and-should-be-unique/

10 Keys to Solving Marriage Conflict in Quarantine

STEVE HOPPE

It’s been said that only two things in life are certain—death and taxes. If you’re living with your spouse in isolation during this COVID-19 crisis, I’d add one more: marriage conflict.

Times are stressful. Uncertainty abounds. The uncharted waters of the coronavirus pandemic are requiring collaborative co-navigation with your spouse, but you’re driving each other nuts as you steer the family boat. You’re quibbling and quarreling. You’re correcting and criticizing. You’re disagreeing, debating, and potentially devouring each other with your words. You need help.

Allow me to provide 10 principles that will help you tackle marriage conflict in a way that draws you closer—not further apart—during this tumultuous season.

1. Take off your tool belt.

When your spouse’s sins and shortcomings inevitably surface, you will be tempted to enter fix-it mode in an effort to conform your spouse into God’s image (at best) or your image (at worst).

But fixing your spouse isn’t your job. Only God can truly fix us. Only he can remove our dead hearts of stone, replace them with living hearts of flesh, and mold us into people of Christlike thoughts, words, and actions (Ezek. 36:26–27). God, not you, is your spouse’s heart engineer.

2. Play catch.

When conflict arises, many couples instinctively play “conversation ping-pong.” They rapidly and aggressively swat words back and forth at each other without pausing to consider them.

Instead, play a different game. Put your paddle down and play catch. When your spouse speaks, catch the conversation ball (listen). Hold the ball for a little while (think). Toss it back gently (speak). Listen. Think. Speak. In that order. It will take practice. It will take patience. And it will produce peaceful conversations.

Listen. Think. Speak. It’ll take practice. It’ll take patience. And it’ll produce peaceful conversations.

3. Put on high heels (or Air Jordans).

Work hard to empathize with your spouse. Walk in their shoes. See the world through their eyes. Outwardly express their emotions back in a way that says, “I get you.” Why is empathy such a blessing to your spouse? It sends the message that your spouse’s emotions are real, valid, and important. It tells your spouse they’re not a problem to be solved but a person to be known and loved.

Most importantly, it emulates the empathetic love of Christ—the one who chose to leave heaven, enter our world, walk in our shoes, feel our pain, and ultimately die on our behalf.

4. Ask why.

If you’re responding to your spouse in an unholy manner, ask yourself why. What in your heart is at the root of your ungodly behavior? Are you worshiping some idol? Are you believing some lie about God, your spouse, yourself, or the world around you?

Dig to the root of your response—the heart-level cause of your irreverent words or actions. After all, if the roots don’t change, the fruit won’t change (Luke 6:43–45).

5. Avoid exaggeration.

Exaggeration has no place in godly marriage conflict for at least two reasons. First, it’s a form of lying—a breach of the ninth commandment (Ex. 20:16). It takes something that’s true, stretches it, and turns it into something untrue. Second, exaggeration can easily come across as a character assassination—an assault on who your spouse is, not what your spouse did.

Barring exceptional circumstances, eliminate the following words from your vocabulary when critiquing your spouse: always, never, all, none, everything, nothing, everybody, nobody, constantly, completely, entirely, and thoroughly. There are others, but you get the gist.

6. Celebrate criticism.

According to Proverbs, the number-one way to become wise is to hear, internalize, and apply constructive feedback (Prov. 1:7; 8:33; 12:1; 13:1, 10; 15:5, 31; 19:20; 29:15). If this is the case, then you have a remarkable opportunity to grow in wisdom during this pandemic.

You’re receiving a healthy dose of criticism from your spouse. But there’s a problem: criticism is painful. How do you move past the pain and rejoice when you’re criticized? You must fall in love with the prize. The more you love wisdom—and specifically Jesus Christ, “the wisdom of God” (1 Cor. 1:24)—the more you will be willing to endure painful criticism to get it.

Criticism is painful. How do you move past the pain and rejoice when criticized? You must fall in love with the prize.

7. Refuse to revile.

As stress increases and tension escalates, chances are your spouse will falsely accuse you of wrongdoing, verbally inflate your sins, or assume unholy motives when your motives are (relatively) pure.

What do you do when you face injustice like this? Emulate Christ. When the sinless, selfless Savior was unjustly reviled, he didn’t revile in return (1 Pet. 2:23). When the one who never should have suffered was taken to the cross, he didn’t fight back with threats, but focused on his Father who would one day justify him. Jesus willfully bore injustice because he knew that God would eventually vindicate him.

8. Take an adult timeout.

When the relational temperature in the room is scalding, sometimes it’s best to step away and take a timeout. This will help you in at least two ways. First, it will allow you to reach a state of emotional equilibrium—a place where adrenaline is no longer rushing through your veins and tempting you to say things that you will regret.

Second, it will provide spiritual clarity. As you spend time with God (the key to a successful time-out), your heart will change, the Spirit will convict you of sin, and your thoughts will start to align with God’s. You’ll be a new person when you re-enter the conversation.

9. Call in the reserves.

I know that this is a time when we’re supposed to isolate. But we’re never supposed to isolate relationally as Christians. During this pandemic, you will need the body of Christ to support and guide you through marriage challenges.

When times are especially tough, I suggest that the two of you reach out to your pastor, a trusted elder, a spiritually mature married couple in your church, or, if necessary, a Christ-centered marriage counselor. Don’t be too proud or afraid to call for help. Your marriage may need it now more than ever before.

10. Hydrate frequently.

I saved the most important for last: stay hydrated. Drink Christ’s living water with your spouse regularly during this crisis. Read and discuss the Bible together. Pray daily. Spend Christ-focused time with other Christians (virtually, of course). Worship on your couch together on Sundays.

Find ways to serve the less-fortunate from a distance. Talk about Jesus with those who don’t share your beliefs. Give generously. The more living water you consume, the healthier your heart’s roots will be, and the holier your communication will be when conflict arises.

In the end, the key to successfully making it through the COVID crisis alongside your spouse boils down to the simplest, but most difficult command that Jesus gave us: love. Lay down your life for your spouse out of love. Even when you’re in conflict. Especially when you’re in conflict.

Editors’ note: 

This article is based on Steve Hoppe’s new book, Marriage Conflict: Talking as Teammates (P&R), a 31-day devotional to help apply God’s Word to everyday life.

Posted at: https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/10-keys-marriage-conflict-quarantine/

A Word to Men Who Demean Their Wives

Interview with John Piper

Audio Transcript

This is an important and too-common theme in our inbox: men belittling women as inferior, perhaps in the name of complementarity even. I see this too often in the inbox and we haven’t covered it yet. I wish we didn’t have to address it, but we do.

“Dear Pastor John, my husband and I have been married for nearly thirty years. He’s grown convinced that there is something wrong with me. I’m a Christian and have been since I was 10 years old. He is also convinced that God sees me as subservient to him, and in every way. Tonight, I asked him if he believes women are subservient to men in creation, and he answered without a hesitation, ‘Yes.’ He has always treated me like he is superior to me in every way. The way he treats me is very hurtful, and I don’t think I can continue to go on with his angry, aggressive spirit. When he gets angry with me about anything, he locks me out of the bedroom and out of our house. I literally want to run away. I despise this life. Please help encourage wives who are treated as inferior!”

Perhaps it will be of some help — I hope so — if I explain from a biblical standpoint five sinful, damaging mistakes this man is making, and which he should be held accountable for. She doesn’t say if he claims to be a Christian or not. He certainly is not acting like one. But some man or men need to step into his life and call him to account for these five sins.

Self at the Center

Now, before I mention the five sinful and damaging mistakes he’s making, let me go behind them to something deeper, because there’s always something deeper than the principles from which we behave. He clearly has some principles from which he is behaving, and it is clear that behind them is something deeper; namely, he is in significant bondage to the root sin of selfishness and pride. He himself occupies such a central place in his own preferences that he cannot see or feel the beauty of getting outside himself and finding joy in living for the good and gladness of another person.

Now, there’s a fancy name for this today; it’s called narcissism. He is so fixated on himself, and his pleasures, and his privileges, and his rights, that counting another person more significant than himself is literally inconceivable. Philippians 2:3 says we are to “count others more significant than yourselves.” If you were to speak those words to him, they would be like a foreign language. They would not even connect. They would be like wind blowing in the curtains.

So, there’s the root. The biblical word is sin, not narcissism. That’s the new, fancy word. It may or may not be helpful. But the biblical words are solid and forever: sin and pride and self-exaltation. Until God breaks in and reveals to this man the deep ugliness of his soul, so that he weeps and weeps with conviction and contrition that are not intended to manipulate anything or anybody, these five sinful traits that I’m going to talk about probably won’t change. That’s the miracle that we have to pray toward. Every Christian has experienced this miracle. It’s called the new birth, and God can cause it in the worst of sinners. So, that’s the direction I pray for.

Here are my five sinful, damaging mistakes he’s making.

1. Women are not subservient to men.

He thinks there is, in creation — that is, the way the world is made — a built-in subservience for women. She says, “Tonight I asked him if he believes women are subservient to men in creation, and he answered without hesitation, ‘Yes.’”

Now, I am assuming from the word subservient and from the fruit of this man’s conviction that what he sees in creation is very different from what creation actually teaches. If we go to Genesis 2–3 and watch creation unfold sequentially after the foundational statement in Genesis 1:27, that men and women are created equally in God’s image, here is what we see. (And there are more. I’m just summing up a few.)

1. Man was created first and given the instructions for life in the garden, so that by God’s design, he has a kind of unique responsibility that will be unlike his wife’s responsibility.

2. God says in Genesis 2:18, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” So, woman is created — unlike the animals — from Adam’s side: “bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh” (Genesis 2:23). Man and woman are deeply alike, and yet so wonderfully different. Woman is called “a helper fit for him” — that is, suitable, completing, complementing. That is, by the way, where the word complementarian originated: from that word fit or suitable or complementary in Genesis 2.

3. The tempter came, and the man failed to take the responsibility God had given him. You can see that in Genesis 3:6: “The woman . . . took of its fruit and ate, and she also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate.” These are crucial words in verse 6: “. . . who was with her, and he ate.” In other words, he was there falling right into line with the devil’s assault on God’s wise and good order by being silent when the enemy was attacking his wife.

4. Sin ravages the beautiful relationship that God has created, this complementary relationship. Sin ravages that relationship, and you see it because the man blames the woman and says, “Look, if you’re going to punish somebody, punish her because you gave her to me and she tempted me” (see Genesis 3:12). In other words, God is really the problem here. It’s a devastating description of the ravages of the fall in human relationships and divine relationships.

So, what creation teaches is that man was designed to be thrilled by his partner-helper. Paul calls her man’s “glory” in 1 Corinthians 11:7. The man gladly bears a unique responsibility to take a special initiative to protect her. Who was superior to whom and on what counts was irrelevant for the central issue of love and protection. They were in God’s image and perfectly suited to each other’s fruitfulness and joy. They were naked and not ashamed. They did not shame each other. The fact that they were profoundly the same and wonderfully different in God’s design caused no shame. So, this husband that we were just being asked about has deeply misread creation. That’s sinful mistake number one.

2. Differences do not downgrade value.

His second sinful mistake is to infer from creation a built-in superior-inferior relationship. She says, “He has always treated me like he is superior to me in every way.” He is saying that men are superior; women are inferior. And she says this is “in every way.” There are two kinds of mistakes here, and they’re both serious.

One is to fail to distinguish whether the words superior and inferior refer to greater or lesser value. He doesn’t even address that. Does he even have such a thing in mind?

And the other is to fail to distinguish capacities and competencies in which women are, in general, superior to men, and competencies and capacities in which men are, in general, superior to women. And those differences do not imply greater or lesser value in personhood — who you are in God’s image. So, this husband is sinfully inferring an undifferentiated superiority for men — for himself in particular — that does not exist.

3. The Bible calls husbands to honor their wives, not demean them.

The third sinful mistake he makes is by inferring from his superior-inferior paradigm for men and women that he may therefore rightly treat his wife in demeaning ways. So, he moves from misreading creation to misconceiving the meaning of superiority and inferiority to justifying demeaning behavior. This is evil at several levels. I’ll just mention one.

In 1 Peter 3:7, Peter says, “Husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way [literally: according to knowledge], showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life.”

And here’s the point this man is totally missing: even when one focuses on an area where women are weaker, the biblical, Christian response of a husband is not demeaning, but honoring. There’s the catch. This is a deep, profound, serious thing he’s blind to. In the way 1 Peter 3:7 is structured, you have the central term, “showing honor,” and on one side of it is “woman as the weaker vessel,” and on the other side is woman as “heirs with you of the grace of life.” Which means that this man is utterly oblivious to this: Whether you focus on any particular weakness or on the fact that both men and women are destined for glory, the call is the same: honor, honor, honor — not shame, shame, shame. The call is to honor, not demean, and he can’t see it.

4. Anger and aggression contradict God’s design.

His fourth sinful mistake is that he lives now with anger and aggressiveness. This is his prison cell. Given what he sees and feels, anger is inevitable. He’s living outside of God’s good design, and the inevitable dissonance causes continual aggravation.

James says something that applies to everyone, including this husband: “Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God” (James 1:19–20). Oh, my goodness — what an important text for marriage.

5. God will not tolerate bullies.

The result of living in the bondage of sin and delusion is acting like a jailer. Let me just make sure you heard the paradox there: the result of being in bondage to sin makes him act like a jailer, to hide the fact that he’s in jail. He has become a childish bully, locking her out of the bedroom and the house.

This is pathetic. It’s like a child throwing a tantrum, only he’s bigger now, so instead of running into his bedroom and slamming the door against his parents, he can run in and lock her out.

Seek Help

Now, she didn’t ask me for any counsel; she just wanted me to say something that might be helpful in general when women are dealing with a man like this. But let me go ahead and say what I think. I’m assuming there hasn’t been physical abuse. She didn’t say that. And the reason I’m telling you that is because what I’m about to say would be different if there were. In other words, if he is brutalizing her, then she is, I think, obliged — rightly and legally — to go to the police and to the ways that the arm of our government has set for helping women or men deal with that kind of brutality.

But short of that, she should be stepping forward — and I do hope she’s in a church where this is possible. I hope she can go to trusted elders, tell them her situation, and ask for them to intervene. I think it’s part of the elders’ job at a church to step into the lives of the sheep — men and women — and to be a part of their protective shield, and to give them guidance and wisdom for how to move forward.

Posted at: https://www.desiringgod.org/interviews/a-word-to-men-who-demean-their-wives?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=bbff06bb-5972-43d0-be31-f8c126433a6f&utm_content=apj&utm_campaign=new+teaching&fbclid=IwAR2lXFvDkfWOTmN_ofxQeoWwStyqgvtyh-8deZ7JFC9ZERwxkvj-5jYwZKA

How Do You Love Your Wife Like Christ Loves the Church?

ERIK RAYMOND 

It seems like a simple command: “Husbands love your wives.” But if you’ve been married for more than five minutes, you realize that it’s a bit harder than it sounds.

There are a few reasons.

The command for the Christian husband to love his wife is not contingent upon her fulfilling any particular roles. In other words, it’s to characterize his life even if his wife is not acting lovely. More to the point, it’s an ongoing, everyday type of love. It’s not a love only reserved for wedding days, anniversaries, or Valentine’s Day. This is everyday love characterizes the disposition of the Christian husband to his wife.

Furthermore, it has a pattern to follow. The Christian husband reflects Jesus’s love for his church and the unity found in this relationship (Eph. 5:25-32). The Bible points husbands to the supreme example, the husband par excellence as the one who is both the model and also the motivation for loving their wives.

In light of how Jesus loves his church, how then are Christian husbands to love their wives?

Here are ways in which a husband can love his wife like Jesus.

(1) A Sacrificial Love

We start here with the most obvious. The husband’s love for his wife is to be sacrificial, because Jesus’s love for us was sacrificial. This giving up is another way of saying he sacrificed his life for his wife. Jesus died for his bride, and so the husband must be willing to do the same. 

Thankfully it remains noble for a husband to be willing to lay down his own life to save his wife. But the essence of the sacrifice could be pressed home further. Would he live sacrificially for his wife? Will he die to himself and his self-interest to put his wife first?

(2) A Serving Love

Jesus served the church. This love wore an apron. He served his bride, the church, with his life and death. We read in Mark 10:45, “For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

Likewise, the husband, the leader, is to serve his wife. He is to, like Jesus, be willing to set aside his interests when presented with the opportunity to serve his wife. Think about it. We could never conceive of Jesus being too busy to hear from us in prayer. He is not distracted. He is not uninterested. No, he loves us and continues to listen and help us. He is always doing us good. 

Jesus is not too busy checking his phone, scrolling through social media, when we are trying to talk to him.

He is not drifting off thinking about hobbies or work when we are pouring our hearts out to him in prayer.

He is not daydreaming when we are laying bare our weaknesses before him. No, he is present, faithful, caring, and serving.

He is attentive and sympathetic (Heb. 4:15-16).

The danger for marriages is not that the husband would love another woman more than his wife; it’s that he would love himself more than his wife.

(3) A Faithful Love

Jesus is faithful to his church, his bride. Likewise, the husband, if reflecting Jesus, must be faithful to his wife. We read in verse 31, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”

This one-flesh union is a life of commitment and faithfulness. In Paul’s time, just as in our own, people changed partners without a second thought. The Christian marriage, and the love the husband offers his wife, is to be a committed and faithful love. 

(4) An Understanding Love

Jesus knows us and understands us. He knows what makes us tick. He knows our weaknesses. Peter reminds husbands in 1 Peter 3:7 to “live with your wives in an understanding way showing honor” (to her). This word “understanding” refers to knowledgable love. The husband is well-acquainted with his wife. He knows and understands her. The husband must be forever studying and learning his wife. I’ve joked that I’m a lifetime student at the University of Christie. I’ll never graduate nor get a diploma; I’m a lifetime learner. I’m always trying to learn how to best love and serve her.

(5) A Caring Love 

Paul writes, “In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.” 

The husband’s love for his wife should reflect his care for his own body. 

Paul offers two keywords to describe this: nourish and cherish. A husband cares for his wife by nourishing her heart, much like a gardener nourishes his plants. 

“This requires him to pay attention to her, to talk with her to know what her hopes and fears are, what dreams she has for the future, where she feels vulnerable or ugly, and what makes her anxious or gives her joy.” A husband cherishes his wife “in the way he spends time with her and speaks about her, so that she feels safe and loved in his presence.” Phillips offers this warning: “In my experience, a husband’s caring love is one of the greatest needs in most marriages. [A] wife’s heart is dried up by a husband who pays her little attention, takes no interest in her emotional life, and does not connect with her heart.” (via Challies)

Husbands are to care for their wives as Jesus cares for his people.

(6) A Sanctifying Love

You’ll notice that much of what Paul refers to here involves Jesus’s care for us spiritually. I don’t think this means that the husband is the only one responsible for seeing his wife grow in godliness.

The husband is given the privilege and charge to see his wife grow in godliness. There are other means God has provided (i.e., the local church), but it is the husband’s responsibility to ensure that it happens. He is to be concerned with his wife’s spiritual growth. He is to share Jesus’s burden for his wife’s holiness. 

He directs his love toward her godliness. This love then will show itself in such matters as conversation, family devotions, prayer, church attendance, church participation, service, and the overall tone of the home. Christian husbands can excel in many areas of love but drop the ball at this point and, as a result, not fulfill their charge from the Lord. Husbands, are you taking the lead in pointing your family, and especially your wife ,to the Word of God and the God of the Word?

(7) A Consistent Love

Jesus is consistent. And all of his actions toward us are mediated through his loving covenant of grace. In Packer’s classic Knowing Godhe observes, “Every single thing that happens to us expresses God’s love to us, and comes to us for the furthering of God’s purpose for us.” All of his ways toward us are in love. He goes on, “God loves people because he has chosen to love them—as Charles Wesley put it, “he hath loved us, he hath loved us, because he would love” (an echo of Deut. 7:7-8)—and no reason for his love can be given except his own sovereign good pleasure.”

When we reflect God’s love toward us in the gospel, Christian husbands are to be consistent. They are not to be up and down, mixing his love for his wife one day and his love for himself the next. 

(8) A Leading Love

Jesus left us a pattern to follow. If we want to be Christlike, then we must reflect his leadership:

And Jesus called them to him and said to them, “You know that those who are considered rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. But it shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” (Mark 10:42-45)

The Christian husband’s love for his wife is not to look like a Roman occupation. It’s not a page out of the popular business handbook. It’s not about self-fulfillment but self-sacrifice.

Practically speaking, this means that husbands and wives are not allowed to delay obeying God’s commands until their spouses fulfill their God-given roles perfectly.

(9) An Enduring Love

Jesus doesn’t quit on his bride. Isn’t that good news? Too many Christian marriages tap out when things get hard. We mustn’t do this. We are to stay on the field and work it out, continuing to press on and go to the end. Jesus motivates us to endure amid and through hardship.

(10) An Eschatological Love

The picture of Ephesians shows us that this is God’s plan for the summing up of all things in Christ (1:10; 20–23). Therefore, as the husband submits to Jesus and leads his wife in a loving way he is reflecting this end-time submission of all things to Christ. Being a Christian husband is not about being some prideful, self-absorbed leader but a humble, self-giving servant leader. In this, you reflect the reality that Christ, not you, is the king. And his kingdom has dawned. 

Posted at: https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/erik-raymond/how-do-you-love-your-wife-like-christ-loves-the-church/

How Do I Choose A Spouse?

Article by William Farley

Besides our children’s decision to follow Jesus, the most important decision they will make is whom to marry.

The multigenerational implications are huge. Despite the importance of this decision, however, some parents are more concerned about their children’s grades or athletic performance. They spend more time talking about how to get into the right college than about how to pick a future spouse. But whom your children marry may affect eternal destinies: their own, their spouses, your grandchildren, and your great-grandchildren.

Around the Table

As a parent of five grown children, I want to encourage you to discuss this subject with your children. As many mistakes as we made, my wife and I found that the best place to have these discussions was at the dinner table, where we gathered at least four times a week — and preferably six. Effective fathers and mothers (especially fathers) continually teach their children. They don’t teach just by example; they teach with their lips. It is hard to do that if the family does not regularly gather for a meal.

“It is better to remain single than to enter unwisely into marriage.”

We also found that the best time to teach our children was earlier rather than later. Parents will want to start discussing these matters by the time their children enter puberty, and continue the discussion regularly.

My wife and I regularly discussed about seven marriage principles with our children. There are more, but these are a good starting place.

Prefer singleness to an unwise marriage.

Most couples today (if their marriages survive) live together for fifty to seventy years. That is a long time. When a couple builds their union around Christ, that union has the potential to be sweet and wonderful. When one or both build it around something else, however, the prognosis is not so positive.

Therefore, parents can teach their children to do two key precepts. First, unless God gives you the desire to remain single for kingdom-related reasons, pursue marriage. Marriage is the normal, biblical pattern for adults. But second, pursue marriage carefully and with wisdom. It is better to remain single than to enter unwisely into marriage.

Marry to go deeper with Christ.

Second, teach them to marry to go deeper with Christ. God instructs his children to marry fellow believers only (Deuteronomy 7:31 Corinthians 7:392 Corinthians 6:14). This rule is an absolute — no exceptions. For a Christian to deliberately and knowingly marry an unbeliever is sin. For me, this principle includes Roman Catholics and liberal Protestants, who are not clear on the gospel or biblical authority.

This principle raises a bigger question: “What is a believer? When asked, many people will profess to be Christians because they “asked Jesus into their heart,” even if they are currently unfruitful or uninterested in spiritual things. This makes discernment difficult.

Here are some helpful questions to ask: Can your prospective spouse articulate the gospel? Does he believe it, and delight in it? Does his life revolve around Christ, or does it revolve around something else? Is Christ enthroned in the center of his life? Would marriage to this person manifestly draw me closer to Christ or subtly away from him?

Marry to go deeper with Christ. We want the effect of our union, whether after fifty years together or five, to be more faith, more obedience, more Christlikeness, and more need for and dependence upon the Holy Spirit. Don’t marry anyone who will not help you go there.

Marry a potential best friend.

Third, don’t marry a beautiful face or a young man’s future career success. I am not saying these things don’t matter, but they are very secondary. Marriage means decades together. It is more important to marry someone with whom you enjoy and share common interests, hobbies, and passions. The beautiful body will quickly fade. Career success will mean nothing if at age fifty you don’t share the deepest intimacy around a common commitment to Christ.

Focus on the vows.

Fourth, remind your children, especially your daughters, that the wedding is not about the flowers, the music, the wedding dress, the guest list, and the honeymoon. It is about the vows. Weddings are the recitation of vows in the presence of witnesses. Everything else accompanies the vows. And the most important witness is the holy, omniscient, and almighty Judge — a Judge who hates when people break vows because they have become costly.

Before I perform any marriage, I remind the couple of this truth. I encourage them to read their vows together and count the cost. Weddings are not a time for flippancy but for the joy of Psalm 2:11: “Rejoice with trembling.” Weddings are a time to fear God, to share in a sense of sobriety as the couple takes their vows.

Prepare to burn your bridges.

Fifth, wedding vows mean marriage is for life — “till death do us part.” When Christians marry, they burn their bridges so that there is no going back. Why?

“Besides our children’s decision to follow Jesus, the most important decision they will make is whom to marry.”

Christ’s love is covenantal. He has promised to “never leave you nor forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5). He “swears to his own hurt and does not change” (Psalm 15:4). Christians marry to live out God’s covenant love in front of their children and the world.

Therefore, there is no getting out of the relationship because “we don’t love each other anymore,” or “we’ve grown apart,” or “he just doesn’t get me.” I am thankful that both my parents and my wife’s parents impressed this upon us in our youth. We approached our wedding deeply sobered.

I often think of my uncle who married his high school sweetheart. Ten years into marriage, she developed a brain tumor. My only memory was of her in a wheelchair, drooling compulsively, unable to communicate with her husband. My father would remind me that his brother took a vow to be faithful to her “in sickness and in health, in good times and bad times, till death do us part.” My uncle kept that vow faithfully. On my wedding day, I knew there was no guarantee this would not happen to me.

Don’t marry someone to change him.

Sixth, my wife’s father raised her with this excellent advice: don’t marry someone to change him. For example, “He doesn’t pick up after himself, but I know he’ll change.” “She talks too much, but I know she will change.” “She wants to devote her life to a career and not have children, but I know I can change her mind.” “He’s not attentive to me, but I know he’ll change after a few years together.”

Why is marrying others to change them a mistake? Because it is very unlikely that they will change, and if they don’t, you are still married for life. Instead, marry with the full knowledge of your future spouse’s weaknesses and failings but determined to love and forgive even if he never changes. If you can’t do that, don’t marry the person.

Expect to be sanctified.

Last, remind your children regularly that marriage is about more than love. It is about sanctification. I would estimate that, since marriage, about eighty percent of my sanctification has come through my relationship with my wife. To paraphrase author Gary Thomas, God is more interested in our holiness than our merely earthly happiness, and he will use our marriage to provoke us to that (happy) holiness.

The two people who say “I do” are always sinners, and that means inevitable conflict. There will be seasons of suffering and painful growth. Learning to serve another sinner will put a spotlight on your own faults and sins. I thank God for the struggles we have experienced.

Our Children’s Earthly Journey

Whom to marry is the second most important life decision your children will make. The ramifications will go on for decades. Therefore, wise parents regularly talk to their children about how to pick a spouse. They understand that this crucial decision could make or break their children’s earthly journey, and they treat it with a gravity that equals that reality.

After all, who is more qualified to teach them about marriage? You will have lived it for at least a decade. Nourish them through your experience.

William Farley is a retired pastor and church planter. He and his wife, Judy, have five children and twenty-two grandchildren. They live in Spokane, Washington. He is the author of seven books, including Gospel-Powered Parenting. You can read more of his writing at his website.

Posted at: https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/how-do-i-choose-a-spouse?utm_campaign=Daily+Email&utm_source=hs_email&utm_medium=email&utm_content=76767940&_hsenc=p2ANqtz-93ORlkxnW8ZYhNwPm38SEAfwPf_liP9j6SZHR-R2FMXO9JZpOavKj7hDwyO-al9abZoyNtLiMry4g5uMmZp2pkeS37Ww&_hsmi=76767940

Faithfulness is Not Theologically Complicated

by Greg Koukl

Lately I have been mystified by—and distressed with—a trend I’ve seen with many who identify as Christians yet seem to effortlessly embrace secular ideas completely at odds with a biblical understanding of reality.

These more “progressive” Christians tend to be pluralistic regarding salvation,[i] sexually active as single persons, gay friendly (and here I do not mean appropriately friendly with gays, but rather supportive of “alternative sexualities”), comfortable with “gender fluidity,” in favor of same-sex marriage, and pro-choice.[ii]

I’m distressed because they have fallen into a trap Paul warned about: “See to it that no one takes you captive through philosophy and empty deception, according to the tradition of men…rather than according to Christ” (Col. 2:8).

I’m mystified because there’s no good reason for faltering in the face of these particular trends because Scripture speaks with clarity against them. Since there is no biblical ambiguity on any of these issues, there is no real cause for a Christian’s confusion.

Simply put, on a host of culturally charged moral and spiritual issues, faithfulness is not theologically complicated. Why, then, are many who claim to be Christians foundering on fundamentals with such regularity? I think there are two reasons.

First, it’s clear that many Christians are untutored in the basics. To them, Christianity is simply about believing in Jesus in some vague sense and loving people in a can’t-we-all-just-get-along kind of way. That’s where their theology begins, and that’s where it ends.

Second, many Christians—especially among the younger generation, sadly—seem to care more about what their friends think about them than what Jesus thinks about them. Each of these failings is dangerous on its own; in combination, they are spiritually deadly.

I will not, here, parse out clever ways to persuade outsiders of God’s point of view on these issues. Rather, I want Christians to see the simple biblical facts for themselves. Maybe clarity will lessen the confusion and breed the courage needed to face the cultural pressures.


Salvation

First things first. That trust in Jesus of Nazareth is necessary to escape eternal punishment for sin is arguably the most offensive detail of classical Christian theology. Peter called it “a stone of stumbling and a rock of offense” (1 Pet. 2:8). Yet it is also gospel bedrock.[iii]

To stand with Jesus on this issue invites a tsunami of scorn and abuse in our culture. It is the first claim jettisoned when Christians itch to become more “tolerant” and substitute a Christianity of worldly love, acceptance, and inclusion for the gospel of rescue from wrath. To side with the crowd on this, though, is spiritual treason.

The disciples did not choose the name “Christians” for themselves. Others did. Followers of Jesus described themselves simply as “the Way” (Acts 9:2). The reason was clear. That was how Jesus described Himself: “I am the way, and the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me” (John 14:6). Lest anyone be tempted to read ambiguity into that statement at the end of Jesus’ ministry, take counsel from this one at the very beginning:

Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate is wide and the way is broad that leads to destruction, and there are many who enter through it. For the gate is small and the way is narrow that leads to life, and there are few who find it. (Matt. 7:13–14)

Controversial? Yes. Confusing? No. The claim is clear. New Testament writers repeated it constantly in a variety of ways, offering nine lines of argument to solidify their point.[iv]

  1. Jesus is the world’s only source of salvation: “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life” (John 3:16).

  2. Jesus is the Father’s choice: “Jesus…said to them, ‘This is the work of God, that you believe in Him whom He has sent’” (John 6:29).

  3. Thus, rejection of Jesus is rejection of the Father Himself: “He who does not honor the Son does not honor the Father who sent Him” (John 5:23b).

  4. Rejecting Jesus brings wrath; believing in Jesus rescues from wrath: “He who believes in the Son has eternal life; but he who does not obey the Son will not see life, but the wrath of God abides on him” (John 3:36).

  5. Jesus alone provides forgiveness of sin: “Therefore I said to you that you will die in your sins; for unless you believe that I am He, you will die in your sins”(John 8:24).

  6. Many impostors will claim to provide other ways of salvation: “See to it that no one misleads you. For many will come in My name, saying, ‘I am the Christ,’ and will mislead many” (Matt. 24:4–5).

  7. But there are no alternatives: “There is salvation in no one else; for there is no other name under heaven that has been given among men by which we must be saved” (Acts 4:12).

  8. Jesus will be man’s final judge: “Christ Jesus…is to judge the living and the dead” (2 Tim. 4:1).

  9. Therefore, all nations are to be given this gospel: “Repentance for forgiveness of sins would be proclaimed in His name to all the nations” (Luke 24:47).

There is only one answer to the Philippian jailer’s question, “What must I do to be saved?” Paul gave it: “Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved” (Acts 16:30–31). Simple and straightforward, uncomplicated and unambiguous. Do not be confused.


Abortion

I realize, of course, that Scripture does not address abortion directly. Rather, the issue is subsumed under a broader biblical injunction. The sixth commandment says simply, “You shall not murder” (Ex. 20:13). It mirrors a directive going back almost to the beginning that is itself grounded in a truth in the very first chapter of the Bible.

After the flood, God told Noah, “Whoever sheds man’s blood, by man his blood shall be shed, for in the image of God He made man” (Gen. 9:6). Twice in Genesis 1, God declares that humans bear His image. Because human beings bear God’s image, any destruction of a human being deserves the severest penalty.

Here is the question: Are unborn human beings image-bearers in the same sense God is referring to in Genesis? Are they protected under the sixth commandment, thus making abortion an act of de facto homicide? Are the preborn the same kind of living beings as those who have already been born? Put another way, in God’s eyes, are humans before birth the very same valuable individuals they are after they are born?

It does no good, by the way, to dismiss the value of preborn humans by labeling them “fetuses,” or “zygotes,” or “blobs of cells.” First, you and I are also “blobs of cells” after a fashion. Second, like the word “adolescent,” the other terms are purely human inventions marking stages of biological development. Embryology—and common sense—tells us that the very same individual is present at each stage, regardless of the arbitrary terms we use to distinguish the stages.

Some will be surprised to know that Scripture itself gives a definitive answer to our question above in a passage that is clear, unambiguous, and decisive. Luke 1 records a remarkable exchange between Mary and her cousin Elizabeth, John the Baptist’s mother, almost immediately after Mary conceives Jesus by the Holy Spirit.

When Elizabeth heard Mary’s greeting, the baby leaped in her womb; and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit. And she cried out with a loud voice and said, “Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb! And how has it happened to me, that the mother of my Lord would come to me? For behold, when the sound of your greeting reached my ears, the baby leaped in my womb for joy.” (Luke 1:41–44)

Note, this meeting took place when Elizabeth was in her late second trimester with John, and Mary was in her early first trimester with Jesus. Recall also that earlier in the chapter we learned that John himself would be filled with the Holy Spirit while yet in his mother’s womb (Luke 1:15), and this passage marks the prophecy’s fulfillment. Clearly, John the “fetus”—filled with the Holy Spirit—leaped with joy in the presence of the “zygote,” Jesus the Lord.

So here is our question again, now applied specifically to the prophet and the Savior: Were John the Baptist and Jesus their same selves before they were born as they were after they were born? Clearly the biblical answer is, “Yes.” Had Mary or Elizabeth chosen abortion, then, they would have killed Jesus and John—not a potential or possible or future Jesus and John, but Jesus and John themselves.

The sixth commandment forbids murder. Murder is the willful killing of an innocent human being, an individual made in the image of God. Does abortion do this? According to what we learn in the Bible, yes, it does. Abortion, then—in God’s eyes—is murder. No Christian should condone it. No Christian should participate in it. Every Christian should condemn it.[v]

Having a baby under any circumstances is a challenge, but especially so when the pregnancy is unplanned or the result of a traumatic experience. Even so, these complications do not change the basic biblical calculus. Abortion violates the sixth commandment.

Do not be confused. This is not a complex issue, theologically.


Gender

There is one thing everyone knows about the world. They know something is wrong, that things are not the way they are supposed to be. The world is broken, and multitudes suffer as a result.

There was a time, though, when this was not so. Genesis tells us about that time. It is the book of beginnings, the introduction to the story of reality. It tells us the way the world was when God first made it, when “all that He had made…was very good” (1:31). It tells us the way the world is supposed to be, the way it was before the evil.

Here is what the book of beginnings tells us about the beginning of human beings:

God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. God blessed them; and God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it….” (Gen. 1:27–28)

I have already mentioned the importance of the image of God in man. It’s the source of our innate and intrinsic value, the source of our inherent dignity and nobility. I want you to notice something else about the good, dignified, noble way God made humans.

From the very beginning, human beings have been either male or female, one or the other. In God’s world, sex is binary. There are rare physical exceptions,[vi] but that is not the way things are supposed to be. The exceptions are part of the brokenness.

Notice also that in God’s order there is no hint of distinction between the sex a person is on the outside and the sex a person thinks he is on the inside. Humans were created to be unified, whole persons—the mind matching the body.

At the moment, though, this point is controversial. Some think there is no vital connection between the sex a person is physically and their mental perception of their sex (often referred to as “gender”). And, indeed, there is a miniscule percent of people who are genuinely conflicted, thinking their own gender is different from their sex.[vii] But that is also part of the brokenness. It clearly is not God’s good plan.

There is a reason God made two physical sexes with their matching genders. In God’s plan, men and women were made both physically and emotionally different from each other in order to fit together in a complementary way. As counterparts sexually and soulishly, they were created so the woman could be what God called a “suitable helpmate” to man (Gen. 2:18–25). Even after the evil came and the world was broken, this plan did not change. Indeed, without this physical and emotional fit, it would not be possible for men and women to fulfill God’s command to multiply, fill the earth, and subdue it together.

Scripture is not ambiguous or unclear on this issue, which is why no one, Christian or otherwise, has been confused on it for thousands of years—until recently. Gender is not “fluid” in the way some have made it out to be. That is not how God made human beings.

Binary sexuality is also key to understanding God’s purpose for something else the culture has been confused about.


Marriage

When Jesus was asked about the legitimacy of divorce, He answered by going back to the beginning.

Have you not read that He who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh”? (Matt. 19:4–5)

According to Jesus, then, marriage is not a cultural convention based on current custom and sexual whim. Instead, marriage is tied to God’s creation order. Here is His formula for marriage: one man, with one woman, becoming one flesh, for one lifetime.

Notice Jesus' implicit support of binary gender in His reference to Genesis 2:24: a man leaves his father and mother and cleaves to his wife. The kind of marriage God had in mind from the beginning is rooted in gender. Men marry women. Women marry men. And being a man or a woman is determined by one’s physical body.

The reason, of course, is obvious. As a group, as a rule, by nature and by design, long-term, monogamous, heterosexual marriages produce the next generation. Successful reproduction requires stable families; stable families are fundamental to civilization; marriages begin families, and a man and a woman make a marriage.

According to Jesus’ thinking, then, same-sex marriage (or any other creative variation) is not only wrong for the same reason divorce is wrong—it corrupts God’s good design—it’s also a contradiction in terms. The word “marriage” has no meaning when used of same-sex couples since heterosexual union is inherent to God’s definition of marriage.

There is nothing ambiguous about Jesus’ view.[viii] Yes, the culture is confused, but there is no reason for you to be confused.

There is something else we learn from Jesus’ formula and from the passage in Genesis He derives it from.


Sex

According to Jesus, in marriage a man cleaves to—and becomes one flesh with—a woman, his wife. Their physical bodies are joined together in a deep, profound sexual union of body and soul, and the two become one. That is the good plan of God.

The passage Jesus cites in Genesis 2 as the Father’s perfect plan covers all of the “alternative sexualities.” Indeed, every single sexual act the Bible explicitly condemns—adultery, fornication, homosexuality, and bestiality—is excluded by Jesus’ simple formula.[ix] The only kind of sexual behavior honorable to God is intimacy between a man and a woman in a lifelong committed relationship—marriage, in other words.

Consider homosexuality, for example. I understand that every depiction of it in popular culture is overwhelmingly positive, and those who differ are characterized as hateful bigots. This is not God’s perspective, though. I want you to pay close attention to the details of a point Paul makes about homosexuality in Romans 1:

God gave them over to degrading passions; for…the men abandoned the natural function of the woman and burned in their desire toward one another, men with men committing indecent acts…. (Rom. 1:26–27)

The word translated “function” here, the Greek word kreesis, is specifically referring to the fit I mentioned earlier. God designed men and women to function sexually together—their bodies fit together in a precise way to make sexual union possible. Since natural desires go with natural functions, the sexual passion that exchanges the natural function of sex for an unnatural function (homosexuality) is what Paul calls a “degrading passion.”

Notice in particular how Paul explains the nature of this offense before God. He says, “The men abandoned the natural function of the woman,” that is, they rejected the appropriate counterpart God had provided—a woman who was built by Him to be man’s sexual complement. That’s why Scripture has nothing positive to say about homosexuality. Whenever it is mentioned in the Bible, it is condemned.[x]

God also has nothing positive to say about any other sexual behavior outside of marriage—like adultery or fornication—for the same reason: It also corrupts God’s good purpose. Christians who lean progressive do not condone adultery, as far as I know. Nowadays, though, fornication hardly raises an eyebrow—especially among the younger crowd—yet it’s just as much a violation of God’s good plan as homosexuality.

Paul provides another angle you may not have considered. Since our bodies are members of Christ, “one flesh” sexual unions outside of marriage spiritually join Christ (who is in us) to an unholy coupling, sullying the temple of God, our own bodies. That’s why instead of embracing these relationships, Paul says we should flee them (1 Cor. 6:15–20).

Here is Paul’s sobering summary on the status of those who engage in persistent, habitual sexual sin:

Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators…nor adulterers…nor homosexuals…will inherit the kingdom of God. (1 Cor. 6:9–10)

God’s solution for satisfying our sexual appetites is marriage: “Because of [sexual] immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband” (1 Cor. 7:2).[xi] Confusion on this issue, as Paul points out, is deadly deception. Do not be taken in. Scripture is not unclear or ambiguous.

There is a telling passage in the passion narrative where Pilate is confronted by the mob and must decide where his loyalties lie. Mark records his decision: “Wishing to satisfy the crowd, Pilate released Barabbas for them, and after having Jesus scourged, he handed Him over to be crucified” (Mark 15:15).

Many in Christendom today are taking their cues from Pilate. They are more concerned with satisfying the crowd than being faithful to Jesus. They champion the criminal and turn their back on the Savior.

Culture may be confused on salvation, abortion, gender, marriage, and sex. Don’t you be. On these issues, God has spoken clearly. Faithfulness to our Lord is not theologically complicated.

__________________________

[i] Pluralism in this sense is the view that other religions provide equally valid routes to salvation.

[ii] Though they may be personally against abortion, they still think it ought to be a legitimate option for others.

[iii] I’ve developed this point in detail in the two-part article “One Way or Any Way?” at str.org.

[iv] Find a thorough development of these points with additional supporting text references in the STR booklet Jesus, the Only Way—100 Verses, available at str.org.

[v] In this piece I’m dealing only with the ethical status of abortion itself, not the more complex policy concern of how we prosecute abortion within our legal system. That is a different question I’ll leave to others more skilled in those matters.

[vi] Those who, through a rare congenital defect, are born intersex.

[vii] This internal conflict is known as “gender dysphoria.”

[viii] In light of Matthew 19, the claim that “Jesus never said anything about homosexuality” is groundless. Though Jesus didn’t use the word “homosexuality” here, clearly His teaching on sex and marriage apply to it.

[ix] Notice these all involve sex with someone other than a person’s opposite-sex spouse.

[x] For a detailed treatment of attempts by some within the church to biblically sanitize homosexuality, see “A Reformation the Church Doesn’t Need” at str.org.

[xi] Notice, again, the implicit reference to binary sexuality and the presumption of heterosexual marriage.

posted at: https://www.str.org/SolidGroundSept2019-faithfulness-is-not-theologically-complicated#.XXQcoJNKgdV


How to Overcome Communication Problems

by Rick Thomas

All marriages experience difficulties. But for some Christians, their faith seems powerless to overcome the discord. They are unable to appropriate the gospel into their marriage practically. There is a solution for these struggling believers.

In other words, they do not have a plan to adequately address and neutralize the unrelenting presence of sin in their marriage (1 John 1:8). Thankfully, the gospel overcomes sin’s curse and restores us to God. Then, through the ongoing work of sanctification (Philippians 1:6), the gospel provides us the potential to change a marriage relationship radically.

This article intends to help couples understand how the gospel should shape their marriage and provide a practical plan to address sin within a marriage.

Purpose of Marriage

To build a healthy marriage, you must start with the right cornerstone; you must approach your union within a gospel context. Unfortunately, today’s culture has become the loudest voice in defining the purpose behind marriage. In the past centuries, marriage was used to secure and stabilize the influence of the family. A few hundred years ago, the concept of romantic love took over, and couples are now encouraged to marry (or not marry) for personal fulfillment and happiness.

The promise of romantic love is desirable and aligns with God’s created intention for relationship. However, under close examination, this view of marriage can quickly become a pathway to satisfy the lusts of the heart. I am not saying romantic love is a sin. But when it becomes the purpose, the marriage takes on a self-centered consumer attitude, “I will be this type of spouse if you are the spouse I want you to be.” Marital conflict results when you don’t meet agreed-upon expectations.

However, gospel love flows out of a covenant, and you don’t base it on the other’s performance. Additionally, the New Testament reveals the mystery of marriage. It is a reflection of the great union between the Messiah and his church (Ephesians 5:31-32). Jesus sees us stuck in our fallen human condition; He lowers and sacrifices Himself, and now leads us on a journey to future glory.

Thus, the gospel purpose of marriage is, “To help your spouse become their future-glory-self through sacrificial service. To help bring them to the full potential God has given them, and to participate in what God is trying to do in their lives.” Therefore, you must have a servant or ministry mindset in your marriage.

This worldview is not a mandate to try harder or sacrifice more. It is a call to repent of your self-serving motives and allow the Holy Spirit to transform the intentions behind your actions. Your motivation must flow from gratitude for God’s love to us through His work of executing His Son on the cross. We must always remember, “there is nothing in our lives that is more profound than what He did for us on the cross.”

Roles within Marriage

Secondly, you must have a correct and precise understanding of the roles within a marriage. Both husband and wife are equals serving in different functions to reflect and bring glory to God through gospel re-enactment. Both parts imitate Christ: husbands in the role of Christ, as He is the head of the church. And wives in the role of Christ, as the Son, who is submissive to the Father for the sake of our salvation.

The scope of this teaching exceeds the intent of this article; however, I will address the topic of submission. Fleshly desires of men have made a significant mess of this dynamic, so here are some key points to remember.

For the Husband

Biblical headship is one of a servant (1 Corinthians 11:3). Sacrificial love is the expression of his authority. Authority is not used to gain privileges but used to meet the needs of the wife/family and to build up the giver of submission.

Submission cannot be demanded, but only given freely by the wife. Thus, a husband cannot require his wife to submit. That is between her and God. If the husband uses anger, manipulations, or forces his wife into submission, he has disqualified himself as a leader in the marriage. A lack of submission is rarely the cause of marital discord.

The husband does possess tie-breaking authority, but he can only exercise the right if the wife is doing something destructive to her or the family. This occurrence should be rare. If both husband and wife are Christians, they both have the same Holy Spirit working within and should reach the same conclusion on the issue. The disagreement may take significant discussion, prayer, heart examination, and humility on both sides, but unity should prevail.

For the Wife

Many women struggle with the term “helper” used to describe the role of the wife. In today’s society, this term indicates a subordinate position. However, the Hebrew word for “helper” most frequently used in the Bible is used to describe God, as in “God our help.”

It is a role of strength or one who can only help from a position of power. It is not the role of assistant. It is also helpful to think about Christ’s submissive role. Kathy Keller states,

If submission is not an insult on the dignity, equality, or value of Jesus, in his submissive role to God the Father, in order to accomplish our salvation, how can I be hurt if I am asked to take on this role in my marriage?

To help accept this command, some women look for practical reasons to understand this arrangement, but this line of reasoning is unhelpful. It is an attempt to understand God’s intentions, and if you find no practical reason for the command, some women will struggle with the command. A better route to take is to is look to Christ (Hebrews 12:1-2) and to rest in God’s sovereign care (Deuteronomy 29:28).

When discussing the subject of submission, many women ask, “should I submit to a husband who is sinning against God?” This question becomes evident if you remember the purpose of marriage. Since your role is to serve him in a way to move him towards his future-glory-self, the answer is no. Your task is to oppose him in a redeeming way.

A Sin Plan

This part brings us to how to handle conflict within a marriage. Generally, this is a difficult subject to navigate for most couples. Hidden heart desires shaped by the shame, fear, and guilt within our souls (Jeremiah 2:13) and forged within our crooked hearts (Jeremiah 17:9) can lead couples to not only forget their in-Christ identity but the real purpose of marriage. This reaction results in quarrels and fights (James 4:1–4) as each party looks to defend their kingdom.

Thankfully, the Holy Spirit gives spiritual insight to understand heart motives and works within to bring humility. This response provides the potential to restore peace within the relationship, but shalom can only achieve if the interactions maintain a proper balance of truth and grace. It’s the balance of cooperating with the Spirit’s work in transforming hearts while continuing to tend and care for the soul.

Many Christian marriages error to the side of all grace and no truth, believing restoration is just a call to forgive. This contrivance allows couples to stay together, but it generates a false peace and hinders spiritual growth. The gospel can neutralize sin, but many times, it must first do its excellent work within the hearts of both spouses; moving them both towards their future-glory-selves.

Examination of heart motives, repentance, and looking to the gospel to overcome pockets of unbelief are often required, which requires speaking the truth. You will need to communicate God’s truth about yourself and what you discern in your spouse.

You will need to be transparent to share the details of your spiritual battle, so your spouse can pray, encourage, share gospel reminders, and help.

You need to speak to your spouse if they appear caught in a pattern of sin (Galatians 6:1). You must share your observations, check on your perceptions, and tell them the impact of their actions on yourself and the family. Truth is needed to help point out blind spots, to build a better relationship, and to assist your spouse in growing towards their future-glory-self.

On the flip side, all truth and no grace will break the relationship and most likely result in divorce. We see this frequently in marriages where the husband or wife does not place a priority on soul care (John 16:12Romans 2:4). Or when their selfish heart motives have blinded them.

Heart Preparation

To maintain a healthy balance while engaging your spouse on marriage issues, you will need to prepare your heart before you interact with your spouse. You must first examine your heart to test your motives (Psalm 139:23-24) and make your heart to listen well.

Heart examination reveals if your heart is captivated by the Gospel, or by the flesh (Galatians 5:18-23). If your desires are not in line with the fruits of the Spirit, you must “do some business with God” before talking with your spouse.

If you have a fleshy mindset, you will want to pay your spouse back to prove you are right, or to make them back away from their position. Criticism done in this mode will eat away and erode at your love. However, if you are walking in the Spirit, your observations and views are a form of pruning and watering (1 Corinthians 3:6).

Secondly, you must prepare your heart to perceive. You must make it safe for your spouse to criticize you without fear of retribution. The heart can employ many tactics to avoid, divert, or deflect the criticism. The most common include anger, manipulation, blame-shifting, explaining too much, apologizing too much, escalating (“we should just get divorced”) or attacking back. These techniques are forms of self-reliance that will quench the work of Spirit and wound the soul of your spouse.

How do you respond to criticism? Are you able to seek to understand the concern better and search for possible blind spots within your heart, or do you feel the need to defend yourself? If you struggle in these areas, I encourage you to reflect upon the cross and remind yourself of your in-Christ identity.

I find this preparation is best accomplished by reading and praying through scripture. Matthew 5:1:12, 6:5-15; Luke 18:9-14 are my go-to verses. This process will help you empty yourself of “self” and move you forward in humility (James 4:6).

Finally, don’t forget about practical considerations. You must find the right time to engage with your spouse and avoid times when it is easier to sin (e.g., sick, tired, etc.)

Engagement

Now, you are ready to talk to your spouse. If you have to speak to your spouse about your marriage problems, begin by owning and confessing your issues. Despite how small you think your percentage is, admit those things without excuse.

Secondly, you attack the problem and not the person. Your marriage covenant is a one-flesh union. Both parties must be part of the solution. The conversation can go something like;

  • “As I see it, you are doing this?”

  • “It is affecting me like this?”

  • “I wish you would do this instead.”

  • “But I need to find out if I am missing something. Do I have this right or not?”

As the conversation continues, pray and ask for insight on possible heart motives, or pockets of un-belief. As you listen, ask yourself, “What are their thoughts about God, themselves, and the gospel?” If you are correct in your observations, there will be a breakdown in one of these three areas.

Remember, the goal of the conversation is to help move your spouse to their future-glory-self. The discussion should resemble Christ’s example of grace-filled truth, and you can only accomplish this by walking in the Spirit. Thus, you must continue to examine your own heart during the conversation.

If the discussion stays on track, you will get to the point of forgiveness and repentance. Rick’s website has many resources on forgiveness and transformation that will serve you well. I encourage you to visit. I pray this gives you and your spouse a new perspective and a starting point to live out your marriage before the Lord while enjoying the blessings of marriage.

Call to Action

I recommend that you and your spouse both read and discuss the topics of this article.

  1. Are you both in agreement with the gospel purpose of marriage? Are you able to share where worldly views of marriage have infiltrated into your thinking? Are you ready to do this in a grace-filled environment?

  2. Are you both in agreement with the gospel roles within marriage? Are you humble enough to share your doubts and fears about your calling within your one-flesh union? Are you able to pray together, asking the Holy Spirit for help?

  3. Are you willing to help grow your spouse to their future glory self in a way that reflects Christ’s love and compassion? Are you ready to seek assistance in this journey by reaching out to your small group, church leadership, or using the resources found on RickThomas.net?

Disclaimer: The guidance provided in this article is for relatively stable marriages. If the brokenness of your relationship is beyond this guidance, I urge you to talk to your elders. If physical harm is taking place, you must contact the authorities.

Note: Most of the material comes from two sources; a talk provided by Tim and Kathy Keller titled, Cultivating a Healthy Marriage, and from various resources from RickThomas.net. I hope this article offers an at-hand summary of these edifying resources.

Posted at: https://rickthomas.net/overcome-communication-problems/