When Our Own Understanding Fails

Madelyn Canada

It doesn’t make sense.

I don’t understand why people kill other people out of anger. I don’t understand why an invisible virus can both take and destroy lives with the fierceness of a great army. I don’t understand why people we love get cancer. I don’t understand why the dearest of friends are pitted against each other with the simple click of a share button. I don’t understand why sometimes doing the right thing can cost so much. I don’t understand how all of this can still be used for our good and God’s glory.

But I wanted to understand. I needed to understand.

And that desperation to understand how and why God can bring good for His children out of such loss and heartache is what made reading Psalm 131 so uncomfortable a few weeks ago.

The Psalm opens with these words: “O LORD, my heart is not lifted up; my eyes are not raised too high; I do not occupy myself with things to great and too marvelous for me.” (Psalm 131:1 ESV) I had only to read one verse to feel, as a dear older sister in the Lord would say, “my toes getting stepped on.”

I started to rationalize and convince myself that the things this Psalmist was writing about, were not the things I was struggling with wanting to understand. The things mentioned as being “too great and too marvelous for me” were not the things found all over the pages of my journal in recent weeks. No, this was a good Psalm, but not one meant to convict me. This was one for them.

But as I kept reading, I suddenly wasn’t so sure. The Psalm continues with this: “But I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child is my soul within me. O Israel, hope in the LORD, from this time forth and forevermore.” (Psalm 131:2-3 ESV) Calm and quiet? I wanted that. I longed for that. But my soul was the farthest thing from it. Perhaps, after all, my heart was not like that of the Psalmist’s in verse one. Perhaps, I was occupied with things too great and too marvelous for me. Perhaps, my heart was lifted up and my eyes raised too high.

A heart not lifted up…

My eyes wandered from the Psalm down to the study notes below. My commentary suggests that the opening of the Psalm, which speaks of a “heart not lifted up” and “eyes not raised too high,” is a description of humble man or woman’s attitude toward God. To have ones heart lifted up and eyes raised high is an expression of pride and arrogance, to demand or expect something from God which He does not owe us.

To “occupy oneself with things too great and too marvelous” is to try and understand things which are humanly impossible to understand. A finite mind simply cannot comprehend all the doings and workings of an infinite Being. It just doesn’t work that way, and a humble man or woman would not shy away from admitting that.

All of these things form a posture of humility from which the Psalmist writes a very short, three verse chapter filled to the brim with hope for the ones who just don’t understand. In order to grasp that hope though, we, the questioning, must be “humble under the mighty hand of God.”

This is why reading Psalm 131 initially discomforted me more than comforted me. I was reading it with a great deal of pride welling up in my heart. I demanded to understand things that God did not owe me answers for. I refused to trust Him and “lean not on my own understanding.” I ignored the reality that He is God and I am not, that His ways are higher than mine.

A prideful heart cannot be comforted with a peace that passes understanding, because it demands to understand unsearchable things. It is the humble heart, the one that waits quietly on the Lord and trusts in His unfailing promise keeping, that is clothed in peace. Simply to be held fast by the One who knows all the answers is enough for them.

Peace does not dwell in outward things, but in the heart prepared to wait trustfully and quietly on Him who has all things safely in His hands.

Elisabeth Elliot

Oh Lord, give us humble hearts that spring forth hope.

Peace when we don’t understand…

We have to stop spending all our time trying to understand all of the “hows” and “whys” and spend more of it getting to know the Who behind them. We can spend our days searching for answers to try and make sense of a broken world, or we can spend them seeking to know better the One who can (and will!) save us from it. The answers our prideful hearts demand will not calm nor quiet our souls like the love and nearness of our Lord will.

Sometimes, God gives us the answers we search the ends of the earth for. Sometimes, He doesn’t and instead He gives us a deeper knowledge of who He is that enables us to trust Him to carry those answers for us. The too great and too marvelous things are safe in His steadfast, unfailing, all-wise hands.

I don’t understand a lot of things. Some mornings I still wake up with a defensive spirit and an arrogant heart, but then I recall the words of Psalm 131, and rather than praying for immediate answers, I pray for a soul like that of the Psalmist. A heart not lifted up. Eyes not raised too high. A mind not occupied with things too great and too marvelous for me. A calm and quieted soul. Hope in the Lord now and forevermore.

Then I remember that God has promised to work all things for the good of those who love Him and the glory of His name. He keeps His promises, whether I understand how He does it or not. His ability to keep His word and bring His perfect plans to pass are not dependent on our understanding of how He will do it. Praise Him.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.

Proverbs 3:5 ESV

I still don’t understand a lot of things, which is why if I leaned on my own understanding, it would fail me. But I know the One who understands all, and it’s on Him that I lean when life doesn’t make sense. I can say with the Psalmist that I have calmed and quieted my soul. And He will always be enough. It is from the humble heart that hope springs forth.

Oh Lord, give us humble hearts.

Posted at: https://thecornershelf.com/2020/06/10/when-our-own-understanding-fails/

A Word to Men Who Demean Their Wives

Interview with John Piper

Audio Transcript

This is an important and too-common theme in our inbox: men belittling women as inferior, perhaps in the name of complementarity even. I see this too often in the inbox and we haven’t covered it yet. I wish we didn’t have to address it, but we do.

“Dear Pastor John, my husband and I have been married for nearly thirty years. He’s grown convinced that there is something wrong with me. I’m a Christian and have been since I was 10 years old. He is also convinced that God sees me as subservient to him, and in every way. Tonight, I asked him if he believes women are subservient to men in creation, and he answered without a hesitation, ‘Yes.’ He has always treated me like he is superior to me in every way. The way he treats me is very hurtful, and I don’t think I can continue to go on with his angry, aggressive spirit. When he gets angry with me about anything, he locks me out of the bedroom and out of our house. I literally want to run away. I despise this life. Please help encourage wives who are treated as inferior!”

Perhaps it will be of some help — I hope so — if I explain from a biblical standpoint five sinful, damaging mistakes this man is making, and which he should be held accountable for. She doesn’t say if he claims to be a Christian or not. He certainly is not acting like one. But some man or men need to step into his life and call him to account for these five sins.

Self at the Center

Now, before I mention the five sinful and damaging mistakes he’s making, let me go behind them to something deeper, because there’s always something deeper than the principles from which we behave. He clearly has some principles from which he is behaving, and it is clear that behind them is something deeper; namely, he is in significant bondage to the root sin of selfishness and pride. He himself occupies such a central place in his own preferences that he cannot see or feel the beauty of getting outside himself and finding joy in living for the good and gladness of another person.

Now, there’s a fancy name for this today; it’s called narcissism. He is so fixated on himself, and his pleasures, and his privileges, and his rights, that counting another person more significant than himself is literally inconceivable. Philippians 2:3 says we are to “count others more significant than yourselves.” If you were to speak those words to him, they would be like a foreign language. They would not even connect. They would be like wind blowing in the curtains.

So, there’s the root. The biblical word is sin, not narcissism. That’s the new, fancy word. It may or may not be helpful. But the biblical words are solid and forever: sin and pride and self-exaltation. Until God breaks in and reveals to this man the deep ugliness of his soul, so that he weeps and weeps with conviction and contrition that are not intended to manipulate anything or anybody, these five sinful traits that I’m going to talk about probably won’t change. That’s the miracle that we have to pray toward. Every Christian has experienced this miracle. It’s called the new birth, and God can cause it in the worst of sinners. So, that’s the direction I pray for.

Here are my five sinful, damaging mistakes he’s making.

1. Women are not subservient to men.

He thinks there is, in creation — that is, the way the world is made — a built-in subservience for women. She says, “Tonight I asked him if he believes women are subservient to men in creation, and he answered without hesitation, ‘Yes.’”

Now, I am assuming from the word subservient and from the fruit of this man’s conviction that what he sees in creation is very different from what creation actually teaches. If we go to Genesis 2–3 and watch creation unfold sequentially after the foundational statement in Genesis 1:27, that men and women are created equally in God’s image, here is what we see. (And there are more. I’m just summing up a few.)

1. Man was created first and given the instructions for life in the garden, so that by God’s design, he has a kind of unique responsibility that will be unlike his wife’s responsibility.

2. God says in Genesis 2:18, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” So, woman is created — unlike the animals — from Adam’s side: “bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh” (Genesis 2:23). Man and woman are deeply alike, and yet so wonderfully different. Woman is called “a helper fit for him” — that is, suitable, completing, complementing. That is, by the way, where the word complementarian originated: from that word fit or suitable or complementary in Genesis 2.

3. The tempter came, and the man failed to take the responsibility God had given him. You can see that in Genesis 3:6: “The woman . . . took of its fruit and ate, and she also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate.” These are crucial words in verse 6: “. . . who was with her, and he ate.” In other words, he was there falling right into line with the devil’s assault on God’s wise and good order by being silent when the enemy was attacking his wife.

4. Sin ravages the beautiful relationship that God has created, this complementary relationship. Sin ravages that relationship, and you see it because the man blames the woman and says, “Look, if you’re going to punish somebody, punish her because you gave her to me and she tempted me” (see Genesis 3:12). In other words, God is really the problem here. It’s a devastating description of the ravages of the fall in human relationships and divine relationships.

So, what creation teaches is that man was designed to be thrilled by his partner-helper. Paul calls her man’s “glory” in 1 Corinthians 11:7. The man gladly bears a unique responsibility to take a special initiative to protect her. Who was superior to whom and on what counts was irrelevant for the central issue of love and protection. They were in God’s image and perfectly suited to each other’s fruitfulness and joy. They were naked and not ashamed. They did not shame each other. The fact that they were profoundly the same and wonderfully different in God’s design caused no shame. So, this husband that we were just being asked about has deeply misread creation. That’s sinful mistake number one.

2. Differences do not downgrade value.

His second sinful mistake is to infer from creation a built-in superior-inferior relationship. She says, “He has always treated me like he is superior to me in every way.” He is saying that men are superior; women are inferior. And she says this is “in every way.” There are two kinds of mistakes here, and they’re both serious.

One is to fail to distinguish whether the words superior and inferior refer to greater or lesser value. He doesn’t even address that. Does he even have such a thing in mind?

And the other is to fail to distinguish capacities and competencies in which women are, in general, superior to men, and competencies and capacities in which men are, in general, superior to women. And those differences do not imply greater or lesser value in personhood — who you are in God’s image. So, this husband is sinfully inferring an undifferentiated superiority for men — for himself in particular — that does not exist.

3. The Bible calls husbands to honor their wives, not demean them.

The third sinful mistake he makes is by inferring from his superior-inferior paradigm for men and women that he may therefore rightly treat his wife in demeaning ways. So, he moves from misreading creation to misconceiving the meaning of superiority and inferiority to justifying demeaning behavior. This is evil at several levels. I’ll just mention one.

In 1 Peter 3:7, Peter says, “Husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way [literally: according to knowledge], showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life.”

And here’s the point this man is totally missing: even when one focuses on an area where women are weaker, the biblical, Christian response of a husband is not demeaning, but honoring. There’s the catch. This is a deep, profound, serious thing he’s blind to. In the way 1 Peter 3:7 is structured, you have the central term, “showing honor,” and on one side of it is “woman as the weaker vessel,” and on the other side is woman as “heirs with you of the grace of life.” Which means that this man is utterly oblivious to this: Whether you focus on any particular weakness or on the fact that both men and women are destined for glory, the call is the same: honor, honor, honor — not shame, shame, shame. The call is to honor, not demean, and he can’t see it.

4. Anger and aggression contradict God’s design.

His fourth sinful mistake is that he lives now with anger and aggressiveness. This is his prison cell. Given what he sees and feels, anger is inevitable. He’s living outside of God’s good design, and the inevitable dissonance causes continual aggravation.

James says something that applies to everyone, including this husband: “Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God” (James 1:19–20). Oh, my goodness — what an important text for marriage.

5. God will not tolerate bullies.

The result of living in the bondage of sin and delusion is acting like a jailer. Let me just make sure you heard the paradox there: the result of being in bondage to sin makes him act like a jailer, to hide the fact that he’s in jail. He has become a childish bully, locking her out of the bedroom and the house.

This is pathetic. It’s like a child throwing a tantrum, only he’s bigger now, so instead of running into his bedroom and slamming the door against his parents, he can run in and lock her out.

Seek Help

Now, she didn’t ask me for any counsel; she just wanted me to say something that might be helpful in general when women are dealing with a man like this. But let me go ahead and say what I think. I’m assuming there hasn’t been physical abuse. She didn’t say that. And the reason I’m telling you that is because what I’m about to say would be different if there were. In other words, if he is brutalizing her, then she is, I think, obliged — rightly and legally — to go to the police and to the ways that the arm of our government has set for helping women or men deal with that kind of brutality.

But short of that, she should be stepping forward — and I do hope she’s in a church where this is possible. I hope she can go to trusted elders, tell them her situation, and ask for them to intervene. I think it’s part of the elders’ job at a church to step into the lives of the sheep — men and women — and to be a part of their protective shield, and to give them guidance and wisdom for how to move forward.

Posted at: https://www.desiringgod.org/interviews/a-word-to-men-who-demean-their-wives?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=bbff06bb-5972-43d0-be31-f8c126433a6f&utm_content=apj&utm_campaign=new+teaching&fbclid=IwAR2lXFvDkfWOTmN_ofxQeoWwStyqgvtyh-8deZ7JFC9ZERwxkvj-5jYwZKA

The Fifth Commandment: Root of Honor

by Kevin D. Gardner

In Romans 1:28–32, the Apostle Paul goes through a litany of offenses committed by those who don’t see fit to acknowledge God. Many of the charges make sense, including that such people are “full of envy murder, strife, deceit, maliciousness” (v. 29). Yet there is one offense that might seem out of place: they are “disobedient to parents” (v. 30).

This phrase tended to make an impression on the teenagers with whom I used to work. It’s easy to say that we are not murderers or filled with malice. We might protest that we are not “gossips, slanderers, haters of God, insolent, haughty, boastful, inventors of evil” (vv. 29–30; although we might have a hard time credibly denying the first two). But who has never disobeyed his parents? We might think that disrespectful children are a uniquely modern phenomenon, but the problem certainly existed in Paul’s day. The law of Moses even prescribed death for intractably rebellious children, a penalty that seems unspeakably harsh to people today (Deut. 21:18–21).

Clearly, the Bible takes obedience to parents seriously. The fifth commandment tells us, “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you” (Ex. 20:12). Let’s explore why this commandment is included among the Ten Commandments and what it means for us.

The fifth commandment is the first on the so-called second table of the law. The first table has to do with our duties toward God, while the second table has to do with our duties toward our fellow man.

It may seem strange that a command to honor one’s father and mother is the first of the commands regarding man. But it makes sense. The first commandment begins the first table of the law by telling us that we are to have no other gods before God (Ex. 20:3). God is setting up a structure of authority: He is God, and we are His people. We are to have no other Gods. We are to recognize His authority alone and to act accordingly. In the same way, God has set up authority structures on earth, and so He begins the second table of the law by addressing the most basic of these structures, the family—one man and one woman for life, together with their children. In this context, children learn what authority is, and they learn to obey. In the same way that we are to recognize and abide by our heavenly authority, we are to recognize and abide by earthly authorities.

As God is due honor by virtue of His being our God, so our fellow man is due honor by virtue of His being God’s image bearer.  SHARE

Recognizing this parallel, the Westminster Standards expand the meaning of the fifth commandment to encompass our duties in all of our relationships. The Westminster Shorter Catechism says that the commandment requires “the preserving the honor, and performing the duties, belonging to every one in their several places and relations, as superiors, inferiors or equals” (WSC 64). The reference here is not to superiors and inferiors in terms of dignity or value but in terms of authority. The Westminster divines understood that while fathers and mothers are the first and most basic authorities in our lives, they are not the only ones. The divines also included authorities in the church and the state; we might add authorities in the classroom and the workplace.

In each of these contexts, we have various relationships. Sometimes we are superior, sometimes inferior, and sometimes equal. In each case, we have various duties and are liable to commit certain sins, and the Westminster Larger Catechism expands at length on these duties and sins (WLC 123–33). In so doing, the Larger Catechism unfolds the meaning of honor as paying what is due to them—to superiors, reverence, prayer, obedience, imitation of their godly virtues, maintenance of their dignity, and bearing with their infirmities (WLC 127); to inferiors, love, prayer, instruction, rewards, correction, and protection (WLC 129); and to equals, recognition of their dignity, deference, and rejoicing in their advancement (WLC 131).

To fail to honor those around us, whether superiors, inferiors, or equals, is to engage in rebellion against God. Especially in the case of our superiors, casting off earthly authorities is tantamount to casting off our heavenly authority, the One who placed those earthly authorities over us. This is why rebellion against parents was such a grievous sin under the old covenant and why Paul included disobedience to parents among the grave offenses committed by the ungodly.

As God is due honor by virtue of His being our God, so our fellow man is due honor by virtue of His being God’s image bearer, and so also our superiors are due honor by virtue of their having authority “by God’s ordinance” (WLC 124). When we honor our fellow men in their several relations, we honor the God who placed us all where we are.

Rev. Kevin D. Gardner is associate editor of Tabletalkmagazine and a graduate of Westminster Theological Seminary in Philadelphia. He is an ordained teaching elder in the Presbyterian Church in America. 

Posted at: https://tabletalkmagazine.com/article/2019/02/fifth-commandment-root-honor/?fbclid=IwAR3qBVKPGVQsCzgJXXCZ6TVo3SdYnr_jHC2JlkKk8PLL2EInIlVLPpxl9vo

Submit Your Dream to God

Article by Lara D'entremont

I held my rounded belly as I walked up the wooden, uneven stairs. We delayed their renovation until after the baby’s room was done. Almost everything was unfinished on the second floor of our house. The walls still had floral and striped wallpaper (and who knows what other colours underneath), the floors were chipboard, and there were boxes we still had no place for after living here almost a year. Some days I liked my dreams coming true: the walls having fresh paint, my bare feet walking on clean hardwood, and bright sunlight filling the spaces. But I knew that was still a number of months down the road.

If you asked me what I envisioned for my life, this was far from it. I would have told you about my plans to live in the city, work in a church, and use my Master’s in Biblical Counselling. Maybe I’d tell you about our cute house in the cul-de-sac with a modern farmhouse feeling. I would have told you children were in the picture, but not until I was 28.

And yet, here I was—21 years old, working as a babysitter and “Mommy Helper,” without a degree, and pregnant with my first. The only common denominator was my faithful husband. There were days I felt like my dreams were crushed by the sovereign hand of God.

Has life not turned out the way you dreamed? Maybe you thought you would have a growing family with babies and toddlers in tow—but your arms still remain empty. Perhaps you saw yourself going out on double dates with your married friends by now—yet, you are the only one who is still single. Maybe you saw yourself with a nicer and better-paying job at this point—but you still push grocery items on a conveyor belt.

Worshiping Our Dreams

Do you worship your dreams? I know I did. I held my dreams higher than God at times, and pursued my dreams more than I pursued holiness. There were times I was willing to sin to get my dreams. In my heart, I had pushed God aside and placed my dreams in his place.

Have you ever considered that these dreams you have might be an idol? Even if your dreams are good—like having a godly husband—our hearts can still worship them.

Since the lines can at times become fuzzy, here are a few ways to see if your dream has become an idol. You…

• are willing to or have sinned in attempt to achieve it.

• become sinfully angry when you can’t have it.

• are willing to hurt others to get it.

• put off obedience to God in the ways he has already called you in order to achieve it.

• often think, “Without [insert your dream], I will never be happy.”

Before you can find hope again from your unrealized dreams, you need to first let go of this idolatry. God needs to be the One you delight in most. In recognizing this idolatry in your heart, start by repenting and asking God for forgiveness. Confess to him how you have placed this dream over him and the ways you have disobeyed him in order to get it. Then seek to know God more. As you grow in the knowledge of God, you will see how he is much better than your dream and how inferior your dream is to him.

Finding Hope In God’s Sovereignty and Wisdom

We know that God is sovereign. All of our plans and dreams pass through his hands first. If they are realized, then we know it was in his will for them to be fulfilled. But if they do not, we know that it was him who sovereignly chose to keep them from us.

This should give us great comfort. We are sinful and unwise people—if our plans and dreams always turned out the way we wanted, our lives would be a mess. When things go wrong, we would have no hope of them turning out for the better. Since God is sovereign, we can have hope even when our plans and dreams aren’t realized. We know God works together all things for good (Romans 8:28-30).

What is that ultimate good? When our dreams are crushed and we can’t see the goodness in it, we can know that the true goodness began with our salvation. When God rescued us sinners from the condemnation to hell our sin had sentenced us to, he began a good work in us that he promises to see to completion: Our sanctification—being made more like Christ.

We know that God is also much wiser than us. He knows what will make us more like Christ, which should be our ultimate goal (or dream). Isaiah declares:

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

   neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.

For as the heavens are higher than the earth,

   so are my ways higher than your ways

   and my thoughts than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8-9)

In God’s greater wisdom, he decides which way our lives turn. Even though our way may seem like the best way at the time, we can trust that God’s is better. His ways are higher in his great wisdom. Rather than questioning his choices, we need to learn to accept what he gives and what he withholds.

In our pain, and when what we want is good and right, this isn’t always easy to do. But we must preach the truth to our hearts in those times and remind ourselves of his perfect character. Take hope today in your crushed dreams that every “gift”—whether it is something given or something withheld—is perfect when it is from God.

We can also cling to a better and certain dream. Because we bear Christ’s mark of salvation, we can trust that we will one day meet Christ, face-to-face, fully redeemed from sin and taken from this sinful work  wrecked with heartache, disappointment, death, and pain, and enter into eternal life where all is perfect and at peace. We will enter eternity with Christ, and spend all of time with him in the most perfect place. When our dreams are dashed, this is a much greater hope.

A New Dream

I had specific dreams for my life. Thankfully, God doesn’t work according to my desires. He works according to his, which are beyond my wisdom. And by his greater wisdom, he gave me something better.

I wanted to live in a big city where opportunities and people abound. But God had different plans for us. He began by softening our hearts for the people in the small town around us through youth group and our church. From there, he provided the perfect house for us.

Rather than pursuing a degree, God led me to ACBC certification, through which I’ve grown immensely. Rather than waiting to have children, God has blessed us with a healthy baby boy. And, rather than having a fancy office job in a church, I got the opportunity to work for two mothers in our community—who help me learn about being a godly wife and mom. Working for these two mothers has also blessed me with the ability to provide for my household and invest time into my writing.

Some days it’s hard to see the “better” in this dream, and some days I struggle to be thankful when I see others living out my previous dream. But God is working on my heart, and I am growing in contentment and joy for this new life God has graciously given us.

You may not be able to see it now, but God has a better dream for you. I’m not saying all will turn out well according to the world’s standards, or even your standards, but I do know that it all will turn out according to God’s will, which is the best thing that could ever happen for your life.

Lara D'entremont

Lara d’Entremont is a biblical counsellor in training, youth leader, and writer. She is a wife to Daniel and they serve at Clark’s Harbour United Baptist ‘Stone’ Church. You can read more of her writing on her blog, Renewed In Truth, where she teaches women about God’s Word and helps them make theology practical.

Posted at: https://unlockingthebible.org/2018/10/submitting-our-dreams-god/

Confessions of a Reluctant Complementarian

Rebecca McLaughlin

Editors’ note: 

A version of this article first appeared on the author’s blog.

I was an undergraduate at Cambridge University when I first grappled with Ephesians 5:22. I’d come from an academically driven, equality-oriented, single-sex high school. And I was repulsed. “Wives, submit to your husbands, as to the Lord.” You’ve got to be kidding me.

I had three major problems with this verse.

The first was the premise that wives should submit. I knew women are just as competent as men—often more so. If there is wisdom in asymmetrical decision-making in marriage, I thought, surely it should depend on who was more competent in that area: sometimes the husband, sometimes the wife.

The second was the idea that wives should submit to their husbands “as to the Lord.” It’s one thing submitting to Jesus Christ, the self-sacrificing King of the universe. It’s quite another to submit to a fallible, sinful man—even as one thread in the fabric of a much greater submission to Christ.

The third—which perhaps grieved me most—was how harmful I believed this verse was to my gospel witness. I was offering my unbelieving friends a radical narrative of power inversion, in which the Creator God laid down his life, in which the poor out-class the rich, in which outcasts become family. The gospel is a consuming fire of love-across-difference with the power to burn up racial injustice and socioeconomic exploitation.

But here was this horrifying verse seeming to promote the subjugation of women. Jesus had elevated women to an equal status with men. Paul, it seemed to me, had pushed them back down. I worried this verse would ruin my witness.

Picture of Christ and the Church

In my frustration, I tried to explain Ephesians 5:22 away. In the Greek, the word translated “submit” appears in the previous verse, “Submit yourself to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Eph. 5:21), so I tried to argue that the rest of the passage must be applying submission as much to husbands as wives. But this didn’t stick: the following verses lay out distinct roles for husbands and wives.

Then I turned my attention to the command to husbands. “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Eph. 5:25). How did Christ love the church? By dying on the cross; by giving himself, naked and bleeding, to suffer for her; by putting her needs above his own; by giving everything for her.

I asked myself how I would feel if this was the command to wives: Wives, love your husbands to the point of death, putting his needs above yours, and sacrificing yourself for him.

If the gospel is true, none of us comes to the table with rights. The only way in is flat on your face. If I want to hold on to my fundamental right to self-determination, I must reject the message of Jesus, because he calls me to submit completely to him: to deny myself and take up my cross and follow him (Luke 9:23).

Then, the penny really dropped. Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church. This model isn’t ultimately about any individual wife and husband; it’s about Jesus and the church. God created sex and marriage to give us a glimpse of his intimacy with us.

Because our marriages point to a greater marriage, the roles are not interchangeable: Jesus gives himself for us; we submit to him.

Three Concerns

So, much to my surprise, the three problems I had when I first read Ephesians 5:22 were resolved. But I now have three concerns about how complementarian marriage is often taught.

1. Attempts to summarize

Complementarian marriage is often summarized as “Wives submit, husbands lead.” But this summary doesn’t reflect the biblical commands. Wives are indeed called to submit (Eph. 5:22; Col. 3:18; 1 Pet. 3:1). But the primary call for husbands is love (Eph. 5:25, 28, 33; Col. 3:19), and the additional commands call for empathy and honor (1 Pet. 3:7). The command to wives in Ephesians certainly implies that husbands should lead with the sacrificial love of Christ. But if we must boil the Scriptures down, “Wives submit, husbands love” is a more accurate reflection of their weight.

2. Attempts at psychological grounding

Hoping to uphold the goodness of God’s commands, Christians sometimes try to ground complementarian marriage in gendered psychology: women are natural followers, men are natural leaders; men need respect, women need love; and so on. I’ve heard the claim that women are naturally more submissive, but I’ve never heard anyone argue that men are naturally more loving.

I’ve also heard people argue that we are given the commands because they address what we’re naturally bad at: women are good at love, men are good at respect, so the calls are reversed. But to say that human history teaches us that men naturally respect women is to stick your head in the sand with a blindfold on and earplugs for good measure.

At best, these claims about gender are generalizations, analogous to the claim that men are taller than women—though far less verifiable. At worst, they cause needless offense to a generation that already misunderstands and misrepresents what the Bible says about gender. They also invite exceptions: if these commands are given because wives are naturally more submissive, and I find I’m a more natural leader than my husband, does that mean we can switch roles?

If we look closely, however, we’ll see that these claims are nowhere to be found in the text. Ephesians 5 grounds our marital roles not in gendered psychology, but in Christ-centered theology.

3. Attempts to justify “traditional” gender roles

Ephesians 5 sticks like a burr in our 21st-century, Western ears. But we must not misread it as justifying “traditional” gender roles. The text doesn’t say the husband is the one whose needs come first and whose comfort is paramount.

In fact, Ephesians 5 is a withering critique of traditional gender roles, in its original context and today. In the drama of marriage, the wife’s needs come first, and the husband’s drive to prioritize himself is cut down with the axe of the gospel.

One Challenge

But my greatest concern when I hear Ephesians 5 taught is my failure to live up to it. I’ve been married for a decade, and it’s a daily challenge to remember what I’m called to in this gospel drama, and to notice opportunities to submit to my husband as to the Lord—not because I’m naturally more or less submissive, or because he is naturally more or less loving, but because Jesus submitted to the cross for me.

My marriage isn’t ultimately about me and my husband, any more than Romeo and Juliet is about the actors playing the title roles. My marriage is about reflecting Jesus and his church.

Ephesians 5:22 used to repulse me. Now it convicts me and calls me toward Jesus: the true husband who satisfies our needs, the one man who deserves our ultimate submission.

Rebecca McLaughlin holds a PhD from Cambridge University and a theology degree from Oak Hill seminary in London. She is a regular writer for The Gospel Coalition and her first book, Confronting Christianity: 12 Hard Questions for the World’s Largest Religion, will be published by Crossway in 2019. You can follow her on Twitter or at www.rebeccamclaughlin.org.

Posted at: https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/confessions-reluctant-complementarian/

My Wedding Was Supposed to Be Today

Article by Calley Sivils

I made a life plan when I was ten years old (yeah, I know, crazy). It included all the normal things: graduate high school, go to college, travel the world. With regard to romance, though, I always assumed I would get married at 23, because “Why not?” and “Surely I’ll have met somebody by then.”

So, in my late teens, I arbitrarily picked a date (today, April 22, 2017) as my likely wedding day because (a) it’s a few months before my 24th birthday and (b) I’ve always wanted a spring wedding. I added details about kids and jobs and travel along the way, but my plan has remained mostly unchanged.

Pretty straightforward, right?

Except the God I serve isn’t always a straightforward God.

He is straightforward in what he wants from me: to act justly, love kindness, and to walk humbly with him (Micah 6:8), and to set nothing above him in my heart, mind, or soul (Deuteronomy 6:5). But what about beyond that? What about my wedding day?

“I have had to learn to battle the temptations that creep into unwanted waiting and unwanted singleness.”

Much to the woe of my control-desiring heart, he leaves much of it a surprise and mystery. To those who do not know him or trust him, the way he makes us wait may seem like stinginess or even evil. But in truth, he wants something better for us: for our trust and joy in him to flourish.

As a planner, I must learn to live day-by-day by faith, not by sight, knowing that whatever he gives me is truly, deeply good for me (Romans 8:28). No matter how much his plans diverge from mine, no matter how much heartbreak those plans bring, no matter how far out of my comfort zone he pushes or pulls me, he is not only ultimately good, but his plans for me are also always better.

Three Ways to Wait

So, here on my “wedding day,” I’ve been single for several years now, including all of my five years as a Christian. I wasn’t asked out on a single date during college (and haven’t been since), so I have had to learn to battle the temptations that creep into unwanted waiting and unwanted singleness. Here are three lessons I have picked up in the fight.

1. Trust God to give you every good gift at the perfect time.

While we wait, we will be tempted to doubt God’s love and ability. We are talking about the Lord who has built and leveled the nations throughout generations. He is the Lord who flooded the whole earth and held back the Red Sea long enough for his people to walk through on dry ground. Surely this great Lord of history can handle a small thing like the date of my wedding. And that’s what a wedding is: one day of millions of days. Not to say it isn’t important, but it also isn’t anywhere near ultimate.

“My purity is not for me. My wedding is not for me. Marriage will not be for me. It is all for God.”

Marriage is a gift. A gift isn’t earned or bargained for, and neither is a spouse. Pursuing maturity in Christ should be a consistent theme in any believer’s life, but never as currency to spend on something else. We pursue Christ not to “earn” a spouse, but in order to know Christ (Philippians 3:10). The gift isn’t given because the gift-receiver is fit enough, or tall enough, or smart enough. It is freely given because the gift-Giver is good. You cannot “earn” your way or “behave” your way to a spouse. God must give him or her to you in his own way, and at his time.

2. Make God the treasure and anchor of your life.

While we wait, we will be tempted to envy others. There are many people getting married today that are not following the Lord and have (sometimes flagrantly) disobeyed him in the process. Regardless, if Jesus is our greatest treasure, we do not obey in order to gain a husband or a wife, and we do not groan under the perceived unfairness of unrepentant people getting married.

My purity is not for me. My wedding is not for me. Marriage (if it happens for me) will not be for me. All these things are for the Lord and for his glory, not for me so that my life turns out “fairly.” Instead of praying for fairness in this life, we pray with Jesus, “Not my will, but yours, be done” (Luke 22:42).

I pray that all couples getting married today would know my Lord and Savior, but many won’t. They will not have my anchor and firm foundation when life and marriage are hard (and they will be). What is there to envy? If single people lived so assured of God’s love that we were secure and satisfied in the absence of a spouse, perhaps the Lord would use us to witness to married men and women whose marriages have disappointed them or fallen apart.

3. Refuse to settle for someone who does not love Jesus.

While we wait, we will be tempted to settle. We should not draw comfort from the assurance that God has someone for each of us to marry. He may not. Even if he doesn’t, or even if that person comes into our lives ten years late (by our schedule), that does not give us the right to rebel, disobey, or run away. None of us is entitled to marriage. I am not entitled to marriage.

“Our romantic lives should look strange to the world, and so should our joy in singleness.”

Our only constraint in seeking a spouse is to marry someone within the body of believers (2 Corinthians 6:14). It’s a simple guideline, and yet so easy to compromise. But if we’re to have marriages that glorify the eternal God at all, we cannot fall into the trap of setting aside faith, and basing our crushes and choices on temporal qualities like physical appearance or material wealth.

I say “trap” because that’s what a spouse not centered on Christ will undoubtedly become. Recall what happened to Solomon, touted the wisest man in history:

For when Solomon was old his wives turned away his heart after other gods, and his heart was not wholly true to the Lord his God, as was the heart of David his father. For Solomon went after Ashtoreth the goddess of the Sidonians, and after Milcom the abomination of the Ammonites. So Solomon did what was evil in the sight of the Lord and did not wholly follow the Lord, as David his father had done. (1 Kings 11:4–6)

Heartbreakingly, this lust-following idol-worshiper is the same man who, in his youth, “loved the Lord, walking in the statutes of David his father” (1 Kings 3:3).

The difference a few decades and poor choices in romance can make, right? A man to whom God gave wisdom, and whose future in loving and serving the Lord started out as promising as his father David’s, ends up unabashedly worshiping abominations — gods that cannot see or hear, let alone give wisdom or deserve worship. Many of those wives were probably pretty physically attractive (he was a king, after all), but they helped turn his heart into something ugly and steer his path away from the Lord.

Rather than chafe at our only restriction in romance, followers of Christ should rejoice in the blessing of not being enslaved in the search for financial security or good looks or athletic ability. Our romantic lives should look strange to the world, and so should our joy in singleness. The Spirit empowers us to be countercultural lights pointing forward to our one true Bridegroom and our one true wedding day (Revelation 19:7).

Calley Sivils is currently pursuing her MDiv in Advanced Biblical Studies at SEBTS in Wake Forest, North Carolina. She writes on her blog, Washedwanderer, and you can reach her on Facebook.

Article posted at:  https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/my-wedding-was-supposed-to-be-today

Submission Is a Mark of Maturity

Article by Stacy Reaoch

We had been married just over a year when our first big clash of wills happened.

My husband was working as an intern at a large church, but we were planning to move to seminary soon. I was teaching in a public school, hoping that once my husband was through seminary and on staff at a church, I would be able to quit my job and we could start a family. But a wrench was thrown into our perfect plan. The church we were at offered my husband a full-time ministry position. The problem was that my husband also had aspirations for a doctoral degree, and we had planned to move to Kentucky for schooling.

Suddenly this new offer was on the table, and my husband was inclined to take it. All I could think of was that he would eventually still want to go to seminary and I could be teaching forever before he was finally done and I could be a full-time momma. So our first major marital argument began.

I knew full-well that my call as a wife was to submit to my husband. That had never been a problem. That is, until he no longer wanted what I wanted. I knew what the Bible said. And that’s what brought me so much fear and anxiety. Sadly, I dealt with my misplaced feelings through a lot of tears and whining. The amount of time we were not on the same page was probably only a couple weeks, but the intensity of the decision made it feel like an eternity.

“Have It Your Way” Culture

In our own sinful, independent spirit we think we know better. We are a society that claims rights. As Burger King coined it so well, we like people to tell us “have it your way.” So the idea of acquiescing to someone else rubs most of us the wrong way. Without a Godward focus and remembering the commands of his word, we can easily be swept into the world’s way of claiming our rights and insisting on our own way, no matter what the cost.

Yet the Bible gives us clear guidelines on the structure of authority in our lives. All of us are under the authority of someone else — whether it be a boss at work, government officials, church elders, parents, or your husband. And God has made it very clear what we are to do: “Be subject for the Lord’s sake to every human institution . . .” (1 Peter 2:13), unless the authority is asking you to sin. God has set up a structure of authority for our own good and protection. And even when our authorities don’t seem to be making the best decision in our eyes, the call to submit is still the same.

This is not to say we can’t respectfully disagree.

We’ve told our children if they disagree with a decision we’re making, they can make a respectful appeal, one time. But after we have heard them out and make a final decision, we don’t want to hear any more about it. No ifs, ands or buts. Complaining is done. They need to step back and trust that as their parents, we are trying to make the best decision possible for everyone involved.

So why is that so hard to do? Why do we often succumb to grumbling and complaining?

The Ultimate Authority

The ultimate question really is not, “Can I trust the person in authority over me,” but, “Am I trusting that God is leading this person to lead me?” Yes, people are fallible, but God is infallible. He never makes mistakes. He establishes rulers and kingdoms. He is the beginning and the end, the Alpha and the Omega. And he has put those bosses, elders, parents and husbands in the positions of authority they are in. Nothing takes him by surprise. And he can be trusted.

When I am whining and complaining to others about a “bad” decision someone in authority over me made, I am really whining and complaining about God. I’m not trusting God’s ordained leadership, and telling him that I have a better plan. And God does not take that lightly. “Therefore whoever resists the authorities resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgment” (Romans 13:2).

How we respond to difficult decisions made by the leadership over us is a test of Christian maturity. We can choose to humbly submit or make a respectful appeal, or we can choose to grumble, gossip, and slander the very leaders God has sovereignly placed in our lives.

Here are a few ways to move toward keeping a God-centered perspective on submission to authorities in our lives.

1) Recognize God’s authority structure as revealed in Scripture.

“Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God.” (Romans 13:1)

2. Pray for the leaders God has placed over you.

“First of all, then, I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for all people, for kings and all who are in high positions, that we may lead a peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way.” (1 Timothy 2:1–2)

3. Repent of any grumbling in your own heart.

“Do all things without grumbling or disputing.” (Philippians 2:14)

4. Pray for a posture of submission and respect to those in authority over you.

Give grace to those who have a different opinion than yourself, asking God to give you a respectful heart.

“Be subject for the Lord’s sake to every human institution . . . .” (1 Peter 2:13)

5. Guard your tongue from complaining, gossip or slander.

“Whoever guards his mouth preserves his life; he who opens wide his lips comes to ruin.” (Proverbs 13:3)

6. Look for ways to speak well of those in authority over you, even if you don’t agree with their decision.

“Remind them to be submissive to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready for every good work, to speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people.” (Titus 3:1–2)

7. Find ways to come alongside your leaders, encouraging and helping them in the weighty task they’ve been given.

“I long to see you, that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to strengthen you- that is, that we may be mutually encouraged by each other’s faith, both yours and mine.” (Romans 1:11–12)

Remember that the world is watching as we deal with those who have different opinions than ourselves, especially those who are in places of authority over us. Will others be drawn to the gospel or moved further away as they watch the conduct of our lives and hear the words that flow from our mouths? Let’s pass the test of Christian maturity by respecting God’s perfect design for order in our lives.

Article originally posted at : https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/submission-is-a-mark-of-maturity