Bitterness (Part 2 of 2)

By Wendy Wood

In the last blog, bitterness was defined and its roots and growth were discussed.  You can read that article here.  In this second part, I want to lay out how to help someone repent of bitterness and display the fruit of a deep, abiding faith in the Lord.  

First, your counselee needs to see their bitterness as sin.  As the last article stated, anger, discontentment, and complaining are results of bitterness.  As the mind dwells on the trials and difficulties of life, rather than on God, bitterness grows and grows into rebellion.  Numbers 11 is one of my go-to scriptures to show the sinfulness of bitterness in one’s heart.  Moses and the Israelites are wandering in the desert.  God has continually promised good to the Israelites (Numbers 10:29) and he continually showed His presence in the cloud and pillar (Numbers 10:24).  And yet, the Israelites were bitter.  They focused on the hardships of life rather than God’s presence and goodness.  They were focused on what they thought they deserved, which was life on their own terms. Bitterness so turned their heart to negative thinking that their view of the past was skewed.  The Israelites now claim that life in Egypt was good and they wished they were back living as slaves because that was better than what God was providing for them (Numbers 11:5).  The Israelites were rejecting and rebelling against God’s provision and protection over them.  Numbers 11 shows how evil God sees the sin of bitterness.  “And the people complained in the hearing of the Lord about their misfortunes, and when the Lord heard it, his anger was kindled, and the fire of the Lord burned among them and consumed some of the outlying parts of the camps” (vs 1). As the people continue to complain, God’s judgment on their heart attitude is displayed in the form of a plague.  God takes seriously the sin of bitterness.  Remember, bitterness is our judgment of God’s goodness and providence in our lives.  When we complain and grumble, we are essentially telling God He has not been good to us.  That is the root of bitterness that must be uprooted.  

Ruth 1 is another passage to use to help your counselee see the destructive force of bitterness.  Naomi and her husband left Israel for the land of Moab.  We don’t know the exact motive for leaving but they chose to leave the promised land for a pagan nation. There had been a famine in Israel (Ruth 1:1) so Elimelech took his wife and two sons to Moab.  The sons married Moabite women (Ruth 1:4).  After a period of time, Elimelech and both sons died.   Naomi’s response is “Do not call me Naomi, call me Mara, for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me.  I went away full, and the Lord has brought me back empty.  Why call me Naomi when the Lord has testified against me and the Almighty has brought calamity on me? (Ruth 1:20-21)”. Naomi judges God’s providence in her life.  She charges God with wrongdoing for the death of her husband and sons. Naomi’s view of the past is again faulty. “I went away full” is not entirely true if they fled Israel during a famine.  Naomi’s bitterness has grown to the point of complaining and stubbornly choosing to see only what she lacks from her perspective.  She has a loving daughter-in-law by her side and God is about to place them in a loving, prosperous situation with Boaz.  Bitterness is short-sighted and in rebellion to God’s sovereign plan.

So first, help your counselee see their bitterness for the sin that it is.  Help them see that bitterness is judgment of God’s goodness, wisdom, and love.  Lead them to repent not just of the complaining, anger, and rebellious actions that have resulted from bitterness, but to repent of the false and evil lies they have believed about God.  Help them to put into words the unbelief they are expressing toward God and to ask God for forgiveness for those beliefs and thoughts.

The next step is helping your counselee renew their minds in the truths of God and His character.  Your counselee needs to meditate on scripture that tells of God’s goodness, grace, mercy, sovereignty, wisdom and love.  Your counselee needs to meditate on God’s promises for His children in the midst of suffering.  Your counselee needs to understand and embrace God’s purpose in suffering and pray to grow in being able to rejoice in suffering because we share in Christ’s suffering. Your counselee could study and meditate on 1 Peter 1:3-11, Romans 5:1-5 or James 1:2-4 to learn about God’s purpose in suffering.  They could study Ephesians 1, Romans 8, Job 38, 39, Isaiah 40 and other passages that speak of God’s goodness, wisdom, sovereignty, and love to help them trust God with hard circumstances or people.  I also use specific verses that counselees can memorize quickly.  Some of my favorite passages about God’s sovereignty and that He is working His perfect plan for my life are Job 42:2, Ephesians 1:11, and Psalm 139:16.  Romans 11:33-36 is a wonderful passage on God’s wisdom and that we as finite humans cannot fathom all that God understands as He governs this world.  Romans 8:31-39 points us to God’s love and that there is no circumstance that can separate us from God’s love.  Even more, those difficult trials serve God’s purpose in our lives to shape us more and more into the image of Christ.  

Your counselee needs to transform their mind to the truth of God’s word.  Help them create a list of scriptures that combat the lies about God and unbelief in their heart.  The list may be different from counselee to counselee depending on how they have sinfully interpreted their situation.  But it is through scripture that the Holy Spirit will transform and renew their mind.

Third, your counselee needs to put on Chrislikeness.  Where bitterness has led to complaining, anger, and rebellious actions, the new creation in Christ must put on thankfulness, contentment, love and good deeds.  As your counselee is renewing their mind in Truth, have them write out a “Thankful List” every single day.  As they embrace God’s purpose in suffering, they can give thanks in all circumstances because God is always at work to fulfill His redemptive plan. Psalms commands us to “enter his gates with thanksgiving in our hearts”.  Thankfulness is the gateway to God’s presence.  It grows our dependence and humility before Him.  Thankfulness is key in the life of every believer. 

Your counselee will need to put on humble responses to trials.  Rather than anger when a difficulty comes, your counselee must demonstrate trust in God by responding with prayer and contentment.  Belief in who God is and that He will do what He has promised is demonstrated in our response to the moment to moment situations of daily life.  A heart that is settled on God’s goodness, sovereignty, wisdom, and love at all times is able to respond with gentleness and peace in the face of trouble.  Help your counselee to plan out and be resolved to trust the truth about God in their specific circumstances.  For example, if your counselee has been bitter about a situation at work, plan for the next time their boss makes a decision that negatively impacts your counselee.  Be very specific.  “When my boss does ________, I will __________”.  The list should include prayer, scripture recitation and prayer that the counselee would trust God’s plan and purpose in the situation.  The list should include specific ways the counselee will respond with words and actions that honor and glorify God.

As your counselee continues to pray and study God’s word, actively repenting of bitterness, searching for ways that they are not trusting in God’s attributes, and actively putting on attitudes, words, and actions that honor God, they are transformed from bitterness to contentment and thankfulness.

Would It Be Okay For Me To Be Angry With God?

By Tim Challies

It felt like a test—a test of my faith, a test of my convictions, a test of my love for God. Soon, very soon, after I learned that my son had died, I received a message from an old acquaintance. Her intentions were good—she wanted to offer consolation. But her instructions were suspect—she wanted me to rage against God. Paraphrasing one of her favorite authors she said “It’s okay to be angry with God about this. It’s okay to tell him exactly how you feel about him right now. Let him have it. He doesn’t mind.”

My instincts rebelled against her counsel, but for just a moment I wondered. I didn’t feel anger in my loss, but should I? I didn’t resent God’s sovereignty in taking my son, but might that be appropriate? Already I was leaning hard on God for comfort, but should I now also press against him for blame? In that very moment a verse of scripture, a mere fragment, flashed into my mind. “Curse God and die.” In this case it was not a human demanding it of another as Job’s wife did of her husband. Rather, it was the Holy Spirit’s reminder of what it would mean for me to raise my fist to the sky.

That moment was a test of my faith. Haven’t we all wondered whether our faith would be able to withstand a staggering blow like the sudden, unexplained death of a child? I certainly had. In that moment I had to choose whether my faith would push me toward God or away from him. I had to make a choice between submission and rebellion.

That moment was a test of my convictions. I have often proclaimed the glories of God’s goodness and sovereignty, yet this has been easy because they’ve so constantly been aligned with my own desires. In that moment I had to choose whether I would continue to proclaim in the dark what I had celebrated in the light, or whether, instead, I would allow my circumstances to overturn my beliefs. I had to choose whether these doctrines would draw me to God in comfort or alienate me in anger.

That moment was a test of my love. I have so often proclaimed my love for God, but now he had taken my child, my firstborn, my son, my protégé, the man in all the world who was most precious to me. In that moment I had to choose whether I would love God through this or rage against him, whether it would turn my affections ever-more toward him, or whether it would steer them away.

That moment was a test, I’m sure of it. For though there is a thread of teaching in the Christian world that says it is a sign of maturity and authenticity to be angry with God, I am unconvinced. In fact, I’m sure the opposite is true—that there would never be an appropriate time for me to be angry with God or at God. Why? Because, ultimately, to be angry at what God does is to be angry at who God is. To be angry with his actions is to be angry with his person. It’s to doubt that his actions were just, that they were wise, that they were right, that they were good. It’s to cast aspersions on his very character.

That’s not to say we can never be angry. It’s not to say we must be completely impassive in the face of grief, sorrow, and suffering. On this note John Piper helpfully distinguishes between anger at a thing and anger at a person: “Anger at a thing does not contain indignation at a choice or an act. We simply don’t like the effect of the thing: the broken clutch, or the grain of sand that just blew in our eye, or rain on our picnic. But when we get angry at a person, we are displeased with a choice they made and an act they performed. Anger at a person always implies strong disapproval. If you are angry at me, you think I have done something I should not have done.”

And who am I to be angry at what God has done? Who am I to disapprove of what he has permitted? Who am I to conclude God has done something he should not have, or to even suggest the notion? I might be angry at what I do, or what you do, or what John Piper does, but all of us are sinful, all of us are foolish, all of us are wrongheaded, all of us make mistakes, all of us sometimes bring harm even when we attempt to do good. We might very well have done something we ought not to have done. But not God. He only ever does what is right and what is good. He only ever permits what is best. He is so for us that no action he takes would ever ultimately be against us.

Little wonder, then, that, after Job’s wife encouraged her husband to curse God and die, he gently corrected her. He warned her that in her grief (for she, too, had suffered terrible loss) she was speaking words that were suitable only for the mouth of a fool. Then he asked rhetorically, faithfully, wonderfully, “Shall we receive good from God, and shall we not receive evil?” Then follows this affirmation of his tremendous faith: “In all this Job did not sin with his lips.”

Comfort comes not from anger at the divine will, but acquiescence to it.

Job knew that consolation does not come by raging against God, but by submitting to him. Comfort comes not from anger at the divine will, but acquiescence to it. J.R. Miller says it sweetly: “[God] has a right to take from us what he will, for all our joys and treasures belong to Him and are only lent to us for a time. It was in love that He gave them to us; it is in love that He takes them away. When we cease our struggle, and in faith and confidence submit our will to His, peace flows into our heart and we are comforted.” Comfort comes when we align our will with the will of God. Peace flows when we bless him in our grief as we did in our joys. For his love is as constant, his character is as perfect, his actions are as irreproachable in the taking as they were in the giving.

Posted at: https://www.challies.com/articles/would-it-be-okay-for-me-to-be-angry-with-god/

Help! I'm Irritable Today

Kyle Gangel

Help! I’m Irritable Today

What is it that irritates you to no end? Someone using all the hot water in the morning? The WiFi going out? Your favorite team blowing a late-game lead? Traffic? Screaming kids? The opportunities to grow irritable in a day seem endless.

I am often surprised how little it takes to grow frustrated with my circumstances or people around me. In my irritability, there is a major disparity between the size of my problem and the extent of my reaction. I often wonder if I would respond more God-pleasing to a real tragedy in my life than I do when I step on a toy left out by my kids. I’m sure I’m not alone. For many of us, there is a fit of anger lurking just beneath the surface, ready to leap out at the slightest inconvenience. Before we have time to stop and think, we’ve expressed our displeasure with biting words, a darting glare, a disgruntled sigh, or shutting down. We wonder, why am I in such a bad mood? Where is this coming from?

I’VE HAD MY COFFEE AND I’M STILL IRRITATED

We’ve all seen and laughed at the coffee jokes on social media:

“Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.”

“My favorite coworker is the coffee pot.”

“How to approach me before I’ve had coffee: Don’t!”

When it comes to irritability, coffee helps, but it is not the solution. These and other memes like them are lighthearted attempts to pin our irritability on something external to us. Unfortunately, the source of our irritability is more personal. The Bible reminds us that this behavior flows from within us. Solomon made this point in saying, “Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life” (Proverbs 4:23 ESV). The hard truth is that we grow irritable when our circumstances and the people around us don’t fall in line with our expectations or desires (James 4:1-2). The people in our lives that God has given us to love become obstacles in the way of getting what we want. When we don’t get our way we lash out with a quick verbal barrage, punish with the silent treatment, seclude ourselves from others, or pout. Our irritability may look different on the outside for each individual, but the root is the same–we wanted something and didn’t get it.

It is necessary to admit that our irritability is an internal sin problem, not an external people problem. This admission is an important step towards change. When we know the source of our problem, we can find real solutions. For instance, my oldest son Brennan once shut his brother’s left hand in the sliding glass door. Harrison began screaming in pain as his hand was still stuck. Brennan, aware that something was wrong, began fervently looking his brother over to figure out what was causing the distress. Brennan looked over every square inch of Harrison except the hand that was stuck. Since Brennan couldn’t identify the real source of the problem, his solutions were inadequate. The same is true with our growth in Christ. If we identify irritability as a problem outside of us, we will work to change our circumstances, or worse, we will demand that people conform themselves to our agenda. Knowing the true problem leads to real solutions, and to that we now turn.

WHERE TO BEGIN

Remember the hope of the gospel. Irritability is necessarily self-centered. Thankfully, In Christ, we are free from living for self and empowered to live like him—patient, kind, meek, etc (1 Corinthians 5:15). Because of Christ, we can please God even amidst difficult circumstances or people. For more on this, consider a previous post from Tyler about our freedom from sin’s power.

Ask good questions. Seek to discern what exactly you are wanting when you are irritated. As G.I. Joe would say, “knowing is half the battle.” Asking simple questions like, “what is it that I’m desiring right now?” Or “what is the one thing that would change my mood right now if I could snap my fingers and get it?” The answer for me is usually comfort. I want to live a life of uninterrupted ease. When that gets compromised–I have 3 young boys; it gets compromised–I can grow irritable. For others it could be an over-desire for respect, love, attention, success, safety, order, etc. that leads to irritability.

Turn away. Knowing the heart motive behind your irritability allows you to repent more specifically to God and others. Saying, “Forgive me for desiring comfort so much that I became frustrated when you needed my help” is more helpful than simply apologizing. It acknowledges the real sin and keeps you from blaming others or the pressures you were facing.

Put on thankfulness. It is hard to be thankful and moody at the same time. When the Apostle Paul wanted to urge the Colossian believers to “bear with one another” he mentions thankfulness 3 times (see Colossians 3:12-17). Even if everything has fallen apart around you, you can be thankful for Christ, his gospel, The Spirit’s sanctifying work in you, the Father’s care and concern for you, among many other blessings we have in Christ.

IN CLOSING

In the recently released documentary Free Solo, Alex Honnold climbs 3,000 feet straight up the granite rock face of Yosemite’s El Capitan. He does this all without the safety of ropes and anchors. In other words, one slip, one mistake and he plummets to his death. Naturally, many have asked him about controlling his fear while hanging from a cliff thousands of feet above the valley floor. He said that his goal is not to push the fear out, but to expand his comfort zone. For him, focusing on removing fear is ineffective. Instead, he pours himself into preparation, practice, and planning to a point that he is comfortable with the most dangerous situations. Focusing on removing fear, creates more fear.

Similarly, focusing on the circumstances and people surrounding our irritability just exacerbates the problem. We can’t fight our irritability by merely focusing on our irritability. Instead, we ought to focus on Christ, his work for us and in us, all the blessings he has given to us, and we might just find that our irritability cannot thrive next to joy in Christ.

Posted at: https://gospelmercies.com/2019/03/27/getting-a-grip-on-irritability/

Do Not Trust Your Anger

Article by Ray Ortlund

The anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. (James 1:20)

Our world, including our Christian circles, gives us opportunities galore for anger. It’s not as though provocations lie on only one side of the theological, political, or cultural divides. Bob Dylan was right: “Everything is broken.” No wonder, then, that a whole lot can light the fuse of our anger.

Our nation is angry these days — more than I’ve ever seen before. I remember 1968, and the assassinations of Martin Luther King, Jr., and Robert Kennedy, and the riots in the streets of Chicago during the Democratic National Convention. Our nation was writhing in anguish and rage. 2020 seems worse, for multiple reasons too obvious to mention.

We have our personal reasons for anger too. I don’t mean just fighting traffic or settling an argument between the kids. I mean horrible experiences, with permanently life-altering repercussions. And we never “just get over it.” Who of us skates through this life without being betrayed, shamed, lied about — for starters? Some days it can be hard to get out of bed and face the day. A low-grade fever of churning anger can leave us exhausted.

Life Without Anger

But what if we never got angry? What would that say about us? What if we could see Jesus trivialized, the gospel denied, people oppressed, women degraded, children abused, lies popularized, injustice strengthened, and so forth — what if we looked at all that and felt nothing? How dead would we be inside?

“The right kind of anger is not hotheaded, not impulsive, not screaming rage, but careful and thoughtful.”

Anger is a judging emotion. It is a deeply felt response to wrong. No surprise, then, that God gets angry (Nahum 1:2). And Jesus got angry (Mark 3:5). And as we follow him, we will get angry too.

But unlike our Lord, when we get angry, we can corrupt it. We can complicate our anger with selfishness, wounded pride, impatience, lust for revenge, plus a lot more — and without even realizing it. But surely we can all agree on this: our anger can be good, and it can be bad, and it can even mingle good and bad together. So, we must weigh our anger carefully (and continue to weigh it throughout our lives).

Be Angry and Silent

As I try to navigate the crosscurrents of my own anger, a number of verses have helped guide me.

Be angry, and do not sin;
     ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent. (Psalm 4:4)

I don’t think David is commanding us to get riled up. (Do we need to be told?) He is allowing anger for good reasons and dignifying legitimate anger. But he is also calling us to examine ourselves. The wise are self-aware enough to filter out the bad feelings mixed into their anger before they let it out. But “a fool gives full vent to his spirit” (Proverbs 29:11).

See how Psalm 4:4 calls us to restraint? The “be angry” at the beginning is matched by “be silent” at the end, with “do not sin” and “ponder” in between. It’s a total package. The right kind of anger is not hotheaded, not impulsive, not screaming rage, but careful and thoughtful. Wise anger is calmly deliberate. Derek Kidner makes it practical: “Sleep on it before you act” (Psalms 1–72, 73). Or before you tweet.

What Makes Anger Christian

Then, in the New Testament, the apostle Paul quotes Psalm 4:4, offering further guidance:

Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil. (Ephesians 4:26–27)

Surprisingly, only a few verses later, he also writes, “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you” (Ephesians 4:31). So, there are two different kinds of anger: the anger that is truly Christian and helps others, and the anger that just fumes and rages and points the finger and scolds. Christian indignation feels grief when it encounters anything that denies Christ or degrades people. This Christian anger is set apart from selfish fury in at least three ways.

ANGER WITHOUT SIN

First, “Be angry and do not sin.” Christian anger does not indulge in sin to make its point and get what it wants. So, let’s be honest with ourselves. When we’re upset, what’s really going on inside? Are we filled with the blessed power of the Holy Spirit, or are we driven by the negative energy of self-assertion? And if we don’t even want to face these diagnostics, the answer is obvious. That’s when we need to stop whatever we’re doing, humble ourselves before the Lord, calm down, and not sin.

“I don’t trust my anger. And I don’t trust yours.”

William Edgar, in his amazing essay “Justification and Violence,” helps us see how our moral fervor can morph into our own grotesque ritual atonement, a counterfeit Calvary, where we make someone else pay, with their blood, for our own self-hatred and shame. Elizabeth O’Connor explains, “What we repress in ourselves, we will project onto the neighbor and try to destroy there.” That kind of anger is sinful — very sinful, and very common.

But Christian anger doesn’t create victims. It gathers allies, for God’s glory. It reasons with others, giving them an opportunity to respond well. In Ephesians 4:32, Paul writes, “Be kind to one another.” That word kind says more than “Be nice to one another.” The word Paul uses here is the same word our Lord uses when he says, “My yoke is easy” (Matthew 11:30). To be kind, therefore, is to make a situation as easy as it can be for others. Kindness asks, “As I state my case, how can I make a positive response as easy as possible?” Foolish anger doesn’t think that way. It doesn’t even attempt to bring healing. Foolish anger just explodes. Christian anger, on the other hand, cares enough to stop and think, rather than add a sinful response to an already sinful situation.

ANGER WITHOUT GRUDGES

Second, “Do not let the sun go down on your anger.” Selfish anger thinks, “Let them stew in their misery for a while! Serves them right.” Selfish anger relishes the offender’s ongoing sufferings. But Christian anger doesn’t hold out, doesn’t nurse a grudge, doesn’t let a relational wound fester over time.

When we’re open to Jesus, a new sensitivity enters our hearts. For example, if this week we remember that a brother or sister has something against us, and we see Sunday coming, then we know what to do: “First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift” in worship at church (Matthew 5:24). Jesus said, “Come to terms quickly with your accuser” (Matthew 5:25). I wonder if this is the command we most often disobey.

We can let the sun go down on our anger day after day, week after week, year after year. We risk losing any opportunity for reconciliation, and we risk settling into our own hypocrisy before God. But Christian anger is eager to restore peace.

ANGER WITHOUT IGNORANCE

Lastly, “give no opportunity to the devil.” Christian anger knows the devil’s strategies and is determined to obey the Lord at any cost rather than serve the devil. But oblivious anger stomps on the devil’s land mines: lies, spin, slander, false accusations, lust for controversy, tribal superiority, church splits, and even outright violence. The devil loves hanging out with angry people. I suppose, for him, it’s funny how they keep falling for his same old tricks.

“Christian indignation feels grief when it encounters anything that denies Christ or degrades people.”

This is why I don’t trust my anger. And I don’t trust yours. If you come recruiting me for your cause, and your appeal is, “Look how wrong they are! We’ve got to do something!” — well, they might be wrong. They might be worse than you think. But I keep remembering the words of Paul Rees from years ago: “The early Christians did not say in dismay, ‘Look what the world has come to!’ They said in delight, ‘Look Who has come to the world!’”

That is what I intend to keep saying, by his grace, for his glory. And I don’t think anyone’s anger, including my own, deserves to complicate that glorious gospel.

I wonder what you think.

Ray Ortlund (@rayortlund) is president of Renewal Ministries and a council member of The Gospel Coalition. He founded Immanuel Church in Nashville, Tennessee, and now serves from Immanuel as Pastor to Pastors.

Posted at: https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/do-not-trust-your-anger

Above all These, Put on Love Part 9 (Love is Not Irritable)

Love is Not Irritable

By Wendy Wood

Love is not irritable.  Other translations say, “love is not easily provoked”.  The Greek word is paroxynō which comes from the roots of “to” and “swift”.  This is translated throughout scripture as “arousing anger” and “to exasperate”.  Love is not quick to get angry or quick to show annoyance or impatience.  

Jerry Bridges describes irritability this way.  “While impatience is a strong sense of annoyance or exasperation, irritability, as I define it, describes the frequency of impatience, or the ease with which a person can become impatient over the slightest provocation.  The person who easily and frequently becomes impatient is an irritable person.  Most of us can become impatient at times, but the irritable person is impatient most of the time.  The irritable person is one whom you feel you have to tiptoe or ‘walk on eggshells’ around.”  Do others, maybe especially your immediate family members, feel like they are walking on eggshells around you? 

Proverbs 17:9 says, “Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends.”  Someone who is quick to anger and is impatient frequently does not cover over an offense.  An irritable person points out other people’s offensive or inconvenient behavior and shows their annoyance.  Genuine, godly love covers an offense by being patient and kind even when hurt by another person.  A person with mature love does not need to make it known that he has been offended or inconvenienced. 

This idea is repeated in 1 Peter 4:8.  “Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins”.  When sinned against, a loving person can go on without making a big deal of it.  While it is true that love is willing to point out sin when someone is “caught” in the sin (Galatians 6:1), most of the time an irritable person responds to very small and insignificant sins.  “A multitude of sins” can be covered over.  These are the small ways family and friends sin against each other every single day.  We are sinners.  We sin.  A lot!  Are you typically irritated by those little sins and quick to point them out and be annoyed by them?  Or do you overlook sins and graciously respond with patience and kindness?

All of these facets of love come from the heart.  Out of the heart comes thoughts, words, and actions.  Irritability doesn’t have to be verbal or active to be seen.  Body language and facial expressions often are the first signs of being easily provoked.  Some irritable people will use looks or body language as a warning that they are becoming impatient and provoked as if to warn the offender to stop before explosive anger is displayed.  Because irritability is usually a quieter or smaller form of anger, it is often excused as a temperment rather than sin. But just as Jesus connected lust and adultery as the same heart issue, and anger and murder as the same heart issue, irritability and rage come from the same heart. Scriptures like 1 Corinthians 13:5 make it clear that being irritable is sin.  Love does not act that way and we are commanded to love others.  An irritable person says, “Don’t inconvenience me or sin against me or you will suffer consequences.”  

Proverbs 12:16 says, “The vexation of a fool is known at once, but the prudent ignores an insult”.  A fool makes his annoyances known immediately. An irritable person is quick to get angry and is quick to show it.  This person has a “short fuse” and is easily offended.  An irritable person has strong preferences for how things should be done or the way they should be treated.  Any infringement on their preference is met with an impatient and rude response whether verbally or with body language.  Conversely, a prudent or careful person is able to ignore an insult.  A loving person allows others mistakes and sins with patience.  Proverbs 19:11puts it this way.  “Good sense makes one slow to anger,and it is his glory to overlook an offense.”  It is wise to be slow to anger.  There are times when it is right to be angry.  But it is wise to think carefully first and assess.  It is a good thing, a glory or display of greatness, to overlook an offense. 

Each of these facets of love have similarities, but also differences.  An irritable person is one who demands his own way, even in small things.  The irritable person is so consistently annoyed and displays their unhappiness that it forms a habitual response.  The friends and family of an irritable person suffer from the frequent and quick arousal to anger.

Proverbs 29:11 says, “A fool gives full vent to his spirit [temper], but a wise man holds it back.”  This is the same fool as 12:16.  A fool voices his displeasure at the smallest provocation.  But, a wise man, or as 19:11 says, good sense, holds back his temper.  An irritable person responds out of emotions. The irritable person is so focused on their own comfort and ease that any person or circumstance that causes a loss of comfort or ease is on the receiving end of harsh, hasty words.  

Wayne Mack has a list of excuses that irritable people often use.  As  you read through this list, evaluate yourself.  Are you one to excuse your lack of love?

1. They justify their irritability by blaming it on their circumstances or on other people.

2. The excuse or minimize their irritability by saying that they get over it quickly.

3. They say “I just can’t help it. It’s just the way I am.”

4. They minimize the seriousness of their irritability by saying “What do you expect? That’s the way my parents were!”  In essence, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.  “It was their fault”.

5. They justify their irritability by saying that other people ought to know that they don’t really mean it when they react badly, that they really do respect them and love them in spite of their anger and irritability.  Often I’ve heard, “Other people ought to remember all the good things I do and say and just ignore this aspect of my behavior.  Why do they focus only on the bad stuff?”

6. They excuse it by heaping insults upon themselves. “I’m just weak! I’m no good!  Others may be able to be uncontentious, gentle, considerate, meek and submissive, but I just can’t be those things!”

It is true we can only love this way because of what Christ has already done for us.  When we have His Spirit in us and also put effort forth, we can grow to love with patience and tolerance of others.  In Philippians 2 just after we see Jesus willing becoming a servant even to the point of death, and Jesus is now ascended and seated at the right hand of God and every knee will bow to Him,  we read, “Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure.”  The word “therefore” refers back to what Christ has already done.  It is because of Him that we can obey.  We must work out our salvation, meaning we must continue to obey God’s command to love and grow in love, as God’s grace continues to work in us through His power. 

Application:

1. What stood out to you about “love is not irritable”?

2. How do you rate yourself on a scale of 1 - 10 with 10 being “very irritable”?  Why?

3. How is irritability related to demanding your own way?  How is it different?

4. What scripture stood out to you in this reading?  How could meditating on this verse encourage you as you fight against being irritable?

5. What specific situations easily provoke you to anger?

6. Examine your list from #5.  Are these preferences or sin issues?

7. If preferences, are you willing to prefer the other person over yourself and just overlook it?  If it is a sin issue, is it a big enough issue in that person’s life that it needs to be addressed?  If so, how will you deal with the person regarding this sin so that you honor God with your attitude, words, and actions?

An Encouraging Statistic About Death

Paul Tripp

Here’s a mind-boggling figure: scientists estimate that in the United States alone, 13.7 million birds die every day.

It’s a seemingly random and rather unpleasant statistic, but when I came across it, my heart was deeply encouraged.

“Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your father.” (Matthew 10:29, ESV)

There are hundreds of billions of birds in existence around the world today. Almost all of them have no monetary value whatsoever. Apart from a handful of endangered or noteworthy birds, we don’t track these creatures, name them, care about them, or know them.

But their Creator does. He is in control over every aspect of their life: their birth; the color and quantity of their feathers; their nest; their breeding; their migration; and ultimately, the time, location, and manner in which they die.

Think of all the technology, human resources, and coordination that is required for us to track the relatively few planes that are in the sky every day. God is in complete control over the flight paths of every single one of these hundreds of billions of birds.

This reality alone should be unbelievably reassuring. No matter how it looks at street level, your world is not out of control; no, it is under the careful administration of the Creator who has the wisdom and power to be the great Author of it all.

But that’s not enough; Jesus takes the comforting illustration even further: “But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.” (Matthew 10:30-31)

By grace, you are now the adopted child of the One who has this immeasurable control. As his son or daughter, you are far more valuable than any bird. This means your heavenly Father exercises intimate, personal, and specific control over your life for his glory and your good.

Discovering peace in difficult times is never accomplished by measuring the size of your strength and wisdom against the size of your trouble. No, rest is found when you compare the size of what you’re facing against the Creator of the heavens and earth. By grace, he is your father wherever you go.

Whatever you are facing today, meditate on Matthew 10:29-31. Ask God to remind you of his power, presence, and promises. And then get up and live, with courage and hope, in light of this truth!

Here’s a poetic meditation that I wrote in light of the coronavirus, Matthew 10, and this past Easter weekend.

It swept us up,
unseen
unexpected
unwanted,
disease
destruction
death
in its path.
Confused and separated,
we try to analyze
what we don’t understand,
try to conquer
what is bigger than us.
Fear sets in,
denial offers temporary
peace,
numbers rumble upward,
hope weakens.
Then we remember,
this isn’t the
worst,
this isn’t the
biggest,
this isn’t the most
fearsome.
There is another disease,
most don’t see it,
most deny it,
no human can defeat it,
everyone is infected with it.
There would be no
cure
if not for the Savior,
willing to come,
face the ultimate plague,
die alone,
broken
weak
forsaken,
so that there would be a
cure,
ours for the taking,
no money needed,
no line to stand in,
bring only one thing,
a heart ready to
believe.
Receive your healing,
rise, live again.

God bless,

Reflection Questions

1. Are you potentially spending an unhealthy amount of time or emotional energy analyzing the statistics of the current pandemic? What might this do to your spiritual meditation?

2. What are some other statistics or illustrations that you have heard or studied recently? (They could be related to anything) How can you interpret them in light of God’s Word and apply them to your life?

3. How has your lack of power and control been exposed in the past few weeks? Be detailed. How have you responded to that loss?

4. Have you been pondering death more often in light of everything surrounding you? What have you been thinking, or how have you been feeling?

5. Apply Matthew 10:29-31 to your current situation and relationships. How does this illustration address what you are facing? How does it comfort and challenge you?

Posted at: https://www.paultripp.com/wednesdays-word/posts/an-encouraging-statistic-about-death

A Word to Men Who Demean Their Wives

Interview with John Piper

Audio Transcript

This is an important and too-common theme in our inbox: men belittling women as inferior, perhaps in the name of complementarity even. I see this too often in the inbox and we haven’t covered it yet. I wish we didn’t have to address it, but we do.

“Dear Pastor John, my husband and I have been married for nearly thirty years. He’s grown convinced that there is something wrong with me. I’m a Christian and have been since I was 10 years old. He is also convinced that God sees me as subservient to him, and in every way. Tonight, I asked him if he believes women are subservient to men in creation, and he answered without a hesitation, ‘Yes.’ He has always treated me like he is superior to me in every way. The way he treats me is very hurtful, and I don’t think I can continue to go on with his angry, aggressive spirit. When he gets angry with me about anything, he locks me out of the bedroom and out of our house. I literally want to run away. I despise this life. Please help encourage wives who are treated as inferior!”

Perhaps it will be of some help — I hope so — if I explain from a biblical standpoint five sinful, damaging mistakes this man is making, and which he should be held accountable for. She doesn’t say if he claims to be a Christian or not. He certainly is not acting like one. But some man or men need to step into his life and call him to account for these five sins.

Self at the Center

Now, before I mention the five sinful and damaging mistakes he’s making, let me go behind them to something deeper, because there’s always something deeper than the principles from which we behave. He clearly has some principles from which he is behaving, and it is clear that behind them is something deeper; namely, he is in significant bondage to the root sin of selfishness and pride. He himself occupies such a central place in his own preferences that he cannot see or feel the beauty of getting outside himself and finding joy in living for the good and gladness of another person.

Now, there’s a fancy name for this today; it’s called narcissism. He is so fixated on himself, and his pleasures, and his privileges, and his rights, that counting another person more significant than himself is literally inconceivable. Philippians 2:3 says we are to “count others more significant than yourselves.” If you were to speak those words to him, they would be like a foreign language. They would not even connect. They would be like wind blowing in the curtains.

So, there’s the root. The biblical word is sin, not narcissism. That’s the new, fancy word. It may or may not be helpful. But the biblical words are solid and forever: sin and pride and self-exaltation. Until God breaks in and reveals to this man the deep ugliness of his soul, so that he weeps and weeps with conviction and contrition that are not intended to manipulate anything or anybody, these five sinful traits that I’m going to talk about probably won’t change. That’s the miracle that we have to pray toward. Every Christian has experienced this miracle. It’s called the new birth, and God can cause it in the worst of sinners. So, that’s the direction I pray for.

Here are my five sinful, damaging mistakes he’s making.

1. Women are not subservient to men.

He thinks there is, in creation — that is, the way the world is made — a built-in subservience for women. She says, “Tonight I asked him if he believes women are subservient to men in creation, and he answered without hesitation, ‘Yes.’”

Now, I am assuming from the word subservient and from the fruit of this man’s conviction that what he sees in creation is very different from what creation actually teaches. If we go to Genesis 2–3 and watch creation unfold sequentially after the foundational statement in Genesis 1:27, that men and women are created equally in God’s image, here is what we see. (And there are more. I’m just summing up a few.)

1. Man was created first and given the instructions for life in the garden, so that by God’s design, he has a kind of unique responsibility that will be unlike his wife’s responsibility.

2. God says in Genesis 2:18, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” So, woman is created — unlike the animals — from Adam’s side: “bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh” (Genesis 2:23). Man and woman are deeply alike, and yet so wonderfully different. Woman is called “a helper fit for him” — that is, suitable, completing, complementing. That is, by the way, where the word complementarian originated: from that word fit or suitable or complementary in Genesis 2.

3. The tempter came, and the man failed to take the responsibility God had given him. You can see that in Genesis 3:6: “The woman . . . took of its fruit and ate, and she also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate.” These are crucial words in verse 6: “. . . who was with her, and he ate.” In other words, he was there falling right into line with the devil’s assault on God’s wise and good order by being silent when the enemy was attacking his wife.

4. Sin ravages the beautiful relationship that God has created, this complementary relationship. Sin ravages that relationship, and you see it because the man blames the woman and says, “Look, if you’re going to punish somebody, punish her because you gave her to me and she tempted me” (see Genesis 3:12). In other words, God is really the problem here. It’s a devastating description of the ravages of the fall in human relationships and divine relationships.

So, what creation teaches is that man was designed to be thrilled by his partner-helper. Paul calls her man’s “glory” in 1 Corinthians 11:7. The man gladly bears a unique responsibility to take a special initiative to protect her. Who was superior to whom and on what counts was irrelevant for the central issue of love and protection. They were in God’s image and perfectly suited to each other’s fruitfulness and joy. They were naked and not ashamed. They did not shame each other. The fact that they were profoundly the same and wonderfully different in God’s design caused no shame. So, this husband that we were just being asked about has deeply misread creation. That’s sinful mistake number one.

2. Differences do not downgrade value.

His second sinful mistake is to infer from creation a built-in superior-inferior relationship. She says, “He has always treated me like he is superior to me in every way.” He is saying that men are superior; women are inferior. And she says this is “in every way.” There are two kinds of mistakes here, and they’re both serious.

One is to fail to distinguish whether the words superior and inferior refer to greater or lesser value. He doesn’t even address that. Does he even have such a thing in mind?

And the other is to fail to distinguish capacities and competencies in which women are, in general, superior to men, and competencies and capacities in which men are, in general, superior to women. And those differences do not imply greater or lesser value in personhood — who you are in God’s image. So, this husband is sinfully inferring an undifferentiated superiority for men — for himself in particular — that does not exist.

3. The Bible calls husbands to honor their wives, not demean them.

The third sinful mistake he makes is by inferring from his superior-inferior paradigm for men and women that he may therefore rightly treat his wife in demeaning ways. So, he moves from misreading creation to misconceiving the meaning of superiority and inferiority to justifying demeaning behavior. This is evil at several levels. I’ll just mention one.

In 1 Peter 3:7, Peter says, “Husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way [literally: according to knowledge], showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life.”

And here’s the point this man is totally missing: even when one focuses on an area where women are weaker, the biblical, Christian response of a husband is not demeaning, but honoring. There’s the catch. This is a deep, profound, serious thing he’s blind to. In the way 1 Peter 3:7 is structured, you have the central term, “showing honor,” and on one side of it is “woman as the weaker vessel,” and on the other side is woman as “heirs with you of the grace of life.” Which means that this man is utterly oblivious to this: Whether you focus on any particular weakness or on the fact that both men and women are destined for glory, the call is the same: honor, honor, honor — not shame, shame, shame. The call is to honor, not demean, and he can’t see it.

4. Anger and aggression contradict God’s design.

His fourth sinful mistake is that he lives now with anger and aggressiveness. This is his prison cell. Given what he sees and feels, anger is inevitable. He’s living outside of God’s good design, and the inevitable dissonance causes continual aggravation.

James says something that applies to everyone, including this husband: “Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God” (James 1:19–20). Oh, my goodness — what an important text for marriage.

5. God will not tolerate bullies.

The result of living in the bondage of sin and delusion is acting like a jailer. Let me just make sure you heard the paradox there: the result of being in bondage to sin makes him act like a jailer, to hide the fact that he’s in jail. He has become a childish bully, locking her out of the bedroom and the house.

This is pathetic. It’s like a child throwing a tantrum, only he’s bigger now, so instead of running into his bedroom and slamming the door against his parents, he can run in and lock her out.

Seek Help

Now, she didn’t ask me for any counsel; she just wanted me to say something that might be helpful in general when women are dealing with a man like this. But let me go ahead and say what I think. I’m assuming there hasn’t been physical abuse. She didn’t say that. And the reason I’m telling you that is because what I’m about to say would be different if there were. In other words, if he is brutalizing her, then she is, I think, obliged — rightly and legally — to go to the police and to the ways that the arm of our government has set for helping women or men deal with that kind of brutality.

But short of that, she should be stepping forward — and I do hope she’s in a church where this is possible. I hope she can go to trusted elders, tell them her situation, and ask for them to intervene. I think it’s part of the elders’ job at a church to step into the lives of the sheep — men and women — and to be a part of their protective shield, and to give them guidance and wisdom for how to move forward.

Posted at: https://www.desiringgod.org/interviews/a-word-to-men-who-demean-their-wives?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=bbff06bb-5972-43d0-be31-f8c126433a6f&utm_content=apj&utm_campaign=new+teaching&fbclid=IwAR2lXFvDkfWOTmN_ofxQeoWwStyqgvtyh-8deZ7JFC9ZERwxkvj-5jYwZKA

What Our Anger Is Telling Us

Article by Jonathan Parnell

Pastor, Minneapolis, Minnesota

Anger is not good for you, at least not in its typical form.

New studies argue that regular feelings of anger increase the likelihood for heart disease, and that within two hours of an outburst, the chances of a heart attack or stroke skyrocket. Which means all you angry folks better watch out; it’s a dangerous foible.

But wait. Anger is more than a problem for “you angry people.” It is actually a problem for all of us — that includes you and me.

Traditionally, the anger issue has been divided up between those who get angry and those who don’t. Some personalities tend toward red-faced eruptions; others are unflappably relaxed and easygoing. But the truth is, everyone gets angry — it’s just expressed in different ways. In her article “Why Anger Is Bad For You,” neurophysiologist Nerina Ramlakham says, “Now we separate people differently into those who hold rage in and those who express it out.” The question, then, isn’t who gets angry, but why we all get angry.

And why we get angry has to do with love.

The Love Behind Anger

Anger doesn’t come out of nowhere. It’s not an original emotion. In one degree or another, anger is our response to whatever endangers something we love. “In its uncorrupted origin,” says Tim Keller, “anger is actually a form of love” (“The Healing of Anger”). Anger is love in motion to deal with a threat to someone or something we truly care about. And in many ways, it can be right.

“The question isn’t who gets angry, but why we all get angry.”

It is right that we get angry with the delivery guy who speeds down our street when our kids are playing in the front yard. That makes sense. The delivery guy puts our children in danger. It also would be right that we get angry about Boko Haram’s hideous evil in Nigeria. It is unbelievably horrible.

But if we’re honest, as much as there are right instances for our anger, most of our anger isn’t connected to the incidental dangers surrounding our children or the wicked injustices happening across the world. As much as we love our children and care about innocent victims, our anger typically points to other loves — disordered loves, as Keller calls them.

Those Inordinate Affections

Disordered loves, or “inordinate affections,” as Augustine called them, are part of the age-old problem of taking good things and making them ultimate. It’s the slippery terrain that goes from really loving our children to finding our identity in them, to thinking that our lives are pointless without the prosperity of our posterity. It’s that insidious shift that turns blessings into idols. And when our loves get disordered, our anger goes haywire.

We’ll find ourselves getting annoyed at the simplest, most harmless things — the things that really shouldn’t make us mad. Keller explains,

There’s nothing wrong with being ticked — getting angry to a degree — if somebody slights your reputation, but why are you ten times — a hundred times — more angry about it than some horrible violent injustice being done to people in another part of the world?

“If we find ourselves angry about getting snubbed, the problem might be that we love ourselves too much.”

Do you know why? . . . Because . . . if what you’re really looking to for your significance and security is people’s approval or a good reputation or status or something like that, then when anything gets between you and the thing you have to have, you become implacably angry. You have to have it. You’re over the top. You can’t shrug it off.

If we find ourselves angry about getting snubbed in social media, or being cut off in traffic, or going unrecognized for work, or having an idea shut down, or feeling underappreciated by our spouse — the problem might be that we love ourselves too much.

Three Steps Out

So, what do we do? If anger is everyone’s problem, and if it often exposes our disordered loves, how do we break free from its claws? Here are three steps out.

1. Analyze the anger.

We must get into the details of anger and understand its source. It means that when we find ourselves getting angry — when those emotions start to rise up — we stop and ask: “What is this big thing that’s so important to me that I get this defensive?” What am I loving so much right now that my heart is moved to feel angry?

“If you ask that question,” says Keller, “if you do this analysis, more often than not you’ll immediately be embarrassed, because many, many times the thing you’re defending is your ego, your pride, your self-esteem.”

2. Feel sorrow for our sin.

We may feel embarrassed after asking these questions, or worse. Nothing is more ugly than opening the lid of our hearts to find this kind of corruption. But as rancid as it might be, we can face the fright with a bold sorrow. We are bold because the corruption, present though it is, cannot condemn us, or defeat us. Jesus has paid the price for that disordered love. He bore the wrath we deserved, freeing us from sin’s guilt. He rose from the dead, empowering us over sin’s dominion.

“We can face our corruption with a bold sorrow. Jesus has paid the price for that disordered love.”

And then there is sorrow. We are rightfully sad for how slow our souls are in receiving God’s grace. We are sad that we find ourselves more perturbed by our wounded ego than we are by the abortions that take place downtown, that we shake our fists at rude media more than we lift our hands to heal the broken, that we inwardly mock those who disagree with us more than we publicly defend the rights of the voiceless. We are sad about that in our depths with a kind of serious sadness that isn’t content to leave it there. We are grieved into repentance (2 Corinthians 7:9–10). We turn and we say, No more, Lord. Please, no more.

3. Remember the love of Jesus.

The obvious solution to disordered love is ordered love. But we can’t flip a switch for that. We can’t just stop loving one object wrongly to start loving the most lovable object rightly — that is, unless we’re strengthened by the Spirit to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge (Ephesians 3:14–19).

When our eyes are opened to see and savor Jesus (2 Corinthians 4:6), when we’re overcome by his grace (2 Corinthians 8:8–9), then we’re led to love him more than anything — and so increasingly care about the things that matter, and grow in not becoming angry when we shouldn’t be.

Jonathan Parnell (@jonathanparnell) is the lead pastor of Cities Church in Minneapolis–St. Paul, where he lives with his wife, Melissa, and their seven children. He is the author of Never Settle for Normal: The Proven Path to Significance and Happiness.

Humility: God’s response to irritating people.

Article by Jay Younts

How many people do you think of as being less significant than yourself? 

Sounds a kind of arrogant, doesn’t it? 

Okay, how about this? Are you irritated by people who don’t do things as you think they should be done? Or are you often irritated at how self-centered other people are? Do you feel “put out” with people close to you more that you feel drawn to serve them? These are indications of self-importance. Not a pleasant thought!  

Being irritated with people leads to anger. That anger may lead to bitterness and cynicism. This produces the sin you didn’t see coming: self-righteousness. When you become consumed with irritation toward other people, you become self-deceived and self-righteous.  The sin of self-righteousness is almost always accompanied by self-deception. We may become so focused on being irritated by others that we are blind to the logs of sin blocking our own vision. When you are dominated by being irritated at people, you fall prey to self-righteousness.

Irritation is a gateway sin that, among other things, leads to stress that can lead to poor health. Really? How does this happen? As you will see as you continue reading, being irritated at others is being wise in your own eyes. It is self-importance, the opposite of humility. Proverbs 3 teaches that being wise in your eyes has a negative impact on your body and can bring ill health. Irritation will cause you to lose more than patience! Your body is not made to coexist with irritation. 

The Holy Spirit has a radically different way for you to respond to irritating people: humility! He wants you to consider these people as being more important than you are. He commands you to have the same attitude as Christ when interacting with irritating people. Listen to what the Holy Spirit says:

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility consider others as more important than yourselves.  Everyone should look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. Adopt the same attitude as that of Christ Jesus…” (Philippians 2:3-5)

If Christ responded to us the way we respond to irritating people, we would have no hope! If your goal is to pursue the attitude of Christ, then you will not be dominated with irritation at the actions of those around you. Instead, your first thoughts will be about how you can serve, rather than about being irritated. Christ is the exact picture of humility. He laid aside his own well-being to honor the will of his father and serve you and me!

Service and self-importance do not mix. Truly serving irritating people consists of humility and honor for God. Thinking well of yourself will hinder you from thinking well of God.

Irritating people are opportunities from God to focus on serving him as you look for how to serve rather than being annoyed.

Yes, it is true. People can be annoying or irritating! That is what sin does. Don’t be poisoned by irritation. Find ways to honor God by considering those irritating people as more important that yourself. 

Don’t misunderstand! The Holy Spirit is not telling you to become the servant of those who are irritating. He calling you to become God’s servant so that you can clearly see how to honor Christ and show the grace of the gospel to them. He is calling you to humility!

Posted at: https://www.shepherdpress.com/humility-gods-response-to-irritating-people/?fbclid=IwAR1_NnZU9PLDumFH5DrDi8NfizlQoYxttuw3DdxhHwcsl-cPW9ck7MqVVd0

Lay Aside the Weight of Irritability

Jon Bloom

Sunday morning. The Bloom family is bustling to the van for church and a debate arises between two or three about who’s going to sit where. We’re cutting it close for time as it is. Out of my mouth come firm words in a sharp tone, “Stop the bickering! Get in and sit down!”

Saturday, early afternoon. The Saturday family chore list is still long and my anxiety rises when I think that we won’t get done what needs to get done. I move into sergeant mode and start barking brusque orders. Things get done, but the family tone has turned surly.

Weekday night, about 9pm. I enter the children’s bedroom to give the occupants their bedtime blessing and find clothes and toys still on the floor. With a clap of my hands I tersely say, “Get up and get these things put away — now! You were told to do this earlier!” Nothing like a peaceful bedtime blessing.

Irritability. I give in to it too often. It’s time to take this sin more seriously and lay it aside (Hebrews 12:1). Every time I’m irritable I burden myself with the detrimental weights of prideful selfishness and relational conflict. And as my irritation overflows on others, it burdens them too because my harsh words stir up anger in them (Proverbs 15:1).

Does God Get Irritated?

We like to blame our irritability on someone or something else. We try to convince ourselves (and them) that they make us irritated. If they were different, we wouldn’t be irritated. Or we blame it on being tired, ill, or stressed. But Paul diagnoses irritability as a heart disease; a failure to love: “Love . . . is not irritable” (1 Corinthians 13:4–5).

But we need to press on this a bit, because the Greek word that Paul uses here, paroxynō, which the ESV translates as “irritable,” can also be translated as “provoked” or “kindled,” or “incited.” It’s the same Greek word (paroxynō) that the Greek Old Testament uses in Isaiah 5:25 when the prophet said that God was provoked or kindled to anger by Israel. So if love (agape) is not provoked (1 Corinthians 13:5), and God is love (agape) (1 John 4:8), how can it be okay for God to be provoked to anger?

“There are just, righteous, loving, and therefore necessary reasons to be provoked to anger.”TweetShare on Facebook

The answer is that being provoked to anger in general isn’t the issue Paul is addressing. He (and we) knows there are just, righteous, loving, and therefore necessary reasons to be provoked to anger. Paul in 1 Corinthians 13:5is addressing the short fuse, our becoming too quickly or too easily provoked to anger. That’s why the ESV chose “irritable” and why the KJV translators chose “easily provoked.”

When God gets angry, he takes a remarkably slow time to get there (Exodus 34:6). God is provoked to anger, but he is never irritable. He only gets angry for very good reasons, when the glory of his holy righteousness and justice is despised and violated. And his anger, though when unleashed is the most devastating and terrifying thing any conscious being can experience, is always thoughtful, faultlessly appropriate, and perfectly measured. And like God, we too are to be “slow to anger” (James 1:19). We are to be angry, but not sin (Ephesians 4:26).

The Selfishness of Irritation

Our irritability never has its roots in the soils of righteousness. It springs out of the soil of selfishness and springs up fast, like the sin-weed that it is. We get irritated or easily provoked, not when God’s righteousness or justice is scorned, but when something we want is being denied, delayed, or disrupted. It works like this:

• When I’m weary I want rest, but if it’s denied/delayed/disrupted I get irritated.

• When I’m sick or in pain I want relief, but if it’s denied/delayed/disrupted I get irritated.

• When I’m preoccupied I want uninterrupted focus, but if it’s denied/delayed/disrupted I get irritated.

• When I’m running late I want to avoid appearing negligent, but if it’s denied/delayed/disrupted I get irritated.

• When I’m disappointed I want my desire fulfilled, but if it’s denied/delayed/disrupted I get irritated.

• When I’m fearful I want escape from a threat, but if it’s denied/delayed/disrupted I get irritated.

• When I’m uncertain I want certainty, preferably reassuring, but if it’s denied/delayed/disrupted I get irritated.

• When I’m enjoying something I want to continue until I wish to be done, but if it’s denied/delayed/disrupted I get irritated.

The reason irritability is unloving, unrighteous anger is that it is a selfish response to an obstacle to our desire. What we desire may not be sinful, but a selfish response to its denial, delay, or disruption is a failure to trust God at all times (Psalm 62:8) — and often a failure to value, love, and serve another human soul.

“There is never a right time for irritability. Love is not irritable.”TweetShare on Facebook

Jesus didn’t die for our punctuality, earthly reputation, convenience, or our leisure. But he did die for souls. It is likely that the worth of the soul(s) we’re irritable with is infinitely more precious to God than the thing we desire. We must not dishonor God, whose image that person bears, by being irritable with them. There are necessary times for considered, thoughtful, measured, righteous, loving anger at priceless but sinful souls. But there is never a right time for irritability. Love is not irritable.

S.T.O.P. Being Irritable

If you’re like me and have cultivated over the course of your life a habitual indulgence in selfish irritation, it’s going to take some hard work to retrain ourselves in righteousness (2 Timothy 3:16). We need something simple to call to mind when the oft-pulled irritation trigger is squeezed. This might be helpful:

• S. — Stop, repent, and ask. We must awkwardly stop immediately — even mid-rant — to repent of our sin, and ask, “What am I desiring that is being denied, delayed or disrupted?”

• T. — Trust a promise. Collect promises like 2 Corinthians 9:8, Philippians 4:19, and Philippians 4:11–13 to trust that combat your areas of temptation to irritation.

• O. — Obey. Remember that your emotions are gauges, not guides. Don’t let irritation reign in you (Romans 6:12). As you obey 1 Corinthians 13:5in faith you will find that your emotions will, however reluctantly at first, follow. Love obeys (John 14:15).

• P. — Plan. Yes, plan. More forethought and intention can be a spiritual discipline, an act of love, and a weapon against sin by avoiding temptations to irritability. Ask yourself, “When am I frequently irritable?” To test your self-understanding, ask this question of those who know you best (and often may be the recipients of your irritation). And based on the answers, seek to put into place some systems and habits that will remove irritable stumbling blocks from your path. Pursue the escape from temptation offered by the Lord (1 Corinthians 10:13) by taking advantage of the grace of planning.

Don’t be discouraged by the fact that this is hard going at first. Changing ingrained habits is hard work. But it is possible through Christ who strengthens us (Philippians 4:13). Keep working at it. Faithful effort to lay aside this weight will result in lighter, more loving, and more joyful faith-running down the road.

Jon Bloom (@Bloom_Jon) serves as author, board chair, and co-founder of Desiring God. He is author of three books, Not by Sight, Things Not Seen, and Don’t Follow Your Heart. He and his wife live in the Twin Cities with their five children.

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