Children With Disabilities are a Gift From the Lord

From Paul Tautges website:

*Today’s article is written by Dave and Nancy Deuel, and is drawn from their new mini-book, Help! My Child has a Disability.

It was a busy time in our lives. Dave tells the story. We had gotten married, and I had finished school and taken my first teaching job. We had moved from the East Coast to the West Coast, had our first child, and were preparing for our second. We were also in the process of buying our first home. With changes coming at what felt like the speed of light, we yearned for a taste of the quiet life.

No one could have prepared us for what came next.

Early one evening, we drove to the hospital. Nancy was in labor with our second child. The nurses welcomed us at the door and seated her in a wheelchair. We joked nervously about a “throne on wheels” fit for a queen. Having turned down the amniocentesis test, due to its risks, we prayerfully anticipated a healthy delivery.

The nurses at Henry-Mayo Newhall Hospital in Santa Clarita, California, were outstanding. They were witty, alert, and lighthearted. Their joking soothed our nerves. The doctor, on the other hand, was all business, as we’d hoped he would be. With the stage set for a perfectly normal birth at an excellent hospital, all was well . . . or so we thought.

When the moment of delivery arrived, I was ready to give our little girl the trendy LaBoya bath. This was supposed to soothe the newborn, as it put her back in a state of liquid suspension, simulating a mother’s womb. The already focused physician was hyper-vigilant. Why couldn’t he just lighten up a little? Aren’t births supposed to be happy occasions? This doctor was stealing our joy! After all, all was well.

But all was not well.

As our sweetheart entered the world, she hardly made a sound. The silence, combined with the looks of panic our doctor gave the nurses, sent a sick feeling to my stomach. Our little girl was in trouble. I was in trouble. What was usually a noisy, happy moment when the pink, squalling little bundle bursts forth making first sounds was a deafening hush.

Although the delivery team reluctantly allowed us to do the LaBoya bath, I held our baby loosely. She was limp, motionless, and blue. Finally, the team whisked her off to the nursery, or so I thought. No! It was off to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU). While they struggled to be polite and sensitive to our feelings, their facial expressions and overall quiet showed clearly that something was wrong. I was getting sicker and sicker in my stomach as my wife rested, unaware that anything was wrong.

That night, I drove home praying, numb and scared. Although I still had no idea what was wrong, I knew for certain we were bracing ourselves for something bad. Exhausted, I dropped off to sleep. But just as I did so the phone rang. It was Nancy. She was crying. “They won’t let me see our baby.” In a stupor, I recklessly drove several blocks to the hospital and parked in the wrong lot. As I ran through the front door we had entered joyfully just hours earlier, one of the nurses who helped deliver our baby met me. She stammered on the verge of tears, “I need to talk to you about what’s going on.”

I froze.

“We had to take your daughter to the NICU because her heart stopped. We were able to revive her, but she’s doing very poorly.” Then she said the words I couldn’t bear to hear: “She may not live.” I raced to see my little girl. There were so many wires and tubes attached to her that I could hardly find her. I looked up to see the nurse watching my reaction. She covered her mouth and ran for the door, crying. My legs felt like they would buckle. “Lord, not this, please” repeatedly crossed my mind.

Making very little eye contact the doctor repeated the nurse’s message, but with much less empathy. “Things are bad. Her heart stopped and we spent twenty minutes resuscitating her. She may not live. If she does live, she may have additional brain damage.” The word additional hit me like a freight train. It was final. The only thing we knew for certain was that our little girl had some sort of brain damage. That point was certain. The doctor also told us that if we wanted to confirm the diagnosis, we would need to do a chromosome test. We had no idea what he was talking about.

After two weeks of waiting, the first chromosome test was thrown out due to accidental contamination. When we were asked if we wanted to do another test, I impatiently responded, “No, you’re not putting my little girl through that again.” So, we moved forward with no clear genetic testing, only a cluster of symptoms that characterized Down syndrome. Our hearts ached.

Our pediatrician called several weeks later to confirm the diagnosis of Down syndrome. Down syndrome. I hated those words. What I hated worse was Down’s baby, or just Down’s. I wanted out. In the vernacular of a former generation, I was the father of a retarded child, or as some would say, a “Mongoloid baby.” That cut deep. What responsible human being would come up with such a title? What sensitive society would use it?

Several thousand miles away from family, alone and crushed, we tried to move forward with life. At church, people genuinely tried to encourage us. One woman asked Nancy sympathetically, “Do you plan to keep her?” Our first thought was, “Well, what else would we do with her?” Someone explained to us later that the previous generation was encouraged to institutionalize children “like this.” “Like what?” I fired back. I had entered the world of language hypersensitivity. I was taking a nosedive.

Our minds sought refuge in Bible verses like this:

Children are a heritage from the Lord.

Psalm 127:3

All children? Maybe not some children. And then there was another verse:

Take delight in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Psalm 37:4

What we desired was a normal, healthy baby. These verses were not working for us. The confusion was overwhelming. In a particularly dark moment, life seemed like it was over.

But life was not over. A bright new day had dawned for our entire family, although it would take a while for us to realize it. Learning to accept God’s gift would ease the pain and keep us going. But that would take some time and personal growth.

Today, our daughter Joanna is thirty-two years old, reasonably healthy, and quite happy. As a family, our lives are rich with God’s grace. Our other three kids have compassion ahead of their years, and dote on their sister and enrich her life. God has given us the desires of our hearts: children. All children are a gift from the Lord. His mercy lifts parents up and carries them over every rough road. And his light breaks through our darkness.

*Do you know a family affected by disability? Why not gift them a copy of Help! My Child has a Disability.

Posted at: https://counselingoneanother.com/2020/11/23/children-with-disabilities-are-a-gift-from-the-lord/

Parents, the Bible is God-Breathed for Your Teen

Dennis Colton

Do you remember when you got your first Bible? I received mine in kindergarten, at church. It was a big deal. But by the time I reached my teen years, the Bible had lost some of its luster. I knew I was supposed to read it, but it just felt overwhelming and confusing. It was more exciting to play a video game than to read a book I barely understood.

Parents, does this sound like the teenager living in your home? Teens need help with their questions and understanding of the Bible. Yet, the Bible can come alive for them, and parents can lead the way.

Key Questions to Help Your Teen Find Life in Scripture

1. What is the Bible?

Your teen may have questions about the Bible. This comes with growing and maturing. They have to learn for themselves that the Bible is God’s word—not just a book of stories. Scripture is God-breathed (2 Tim. 3:16-17).

Strike up a conversation with your teen about how we can know God without the Bible. God is invisible, and we don’t hear his audible voice. We can catch glimpses of his glory in nature, but only through the Bible can we know who he is or what he is like. God chose to reveal himself to us through the Bible. This is how we can know him.

Teens also may wonder if they can really trust the Bible. The answer is key. In addition to archeological and historical evidence that continues to support the Bible, believing that the Bible is God-breathed helps us gain trust in its words. 2 Peter 1:20-21 tells us that God spoke through human authors as they were “carried along by the Holy Spirit.” God worked through human authors to reveal himself. As we read the Bible, it is like reading no other book. It is God’s words to us.

As teens grow and develop, they need to make their faith and beliefs their own. Parents, you can help them in this process by initiating conversations about the Bible as the primary way to know and trust God.

2. Why is the Bible important?

The “Why?” question is critical for teens.  Why does the Bible matter? Just as they might ask “when am I ever going to use this in real life” as they study algebraic equations, they also want to know why reading the Bible is worth their time.

Many teens know the Bible is a source of truth about right and wrong—and that is important in our age of relative truth. However, your teen needs to know the Bible is far more than a rulebook.

The Bible teaches us how to know God personally and how to be with him for eternity. Paul says the Holy Scriptures can make us “wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus” (2 Tim. 3:15). The Bible is able to lead your teen to eternal life through faith in Jesus.

Have you ever read a passage of the Bible and found God was speaking directly to you in that moment? The words leapt off the page and penetrated your heart. Maybe you had read the same verse a hundred times before, but on this day God spoke to you. Hebrews 4:12 reminds us that “the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.”

God speaks to teens today, through his word. Teens not only need to hear this, but they need to see it. So, don’t just talk about it generally. Get specific about what you are learning about God from his word. Share how you are being changed by reading the Bible. If teens see fruit in their parents’ lives, they will be motivated to pursue that for themselves. Teens want to hear God’s voice, and it will be helpful for them to see, in your life, that the Bible is God’s primary way of communicating to us.

Teens and parents often ask me, “How do I know what God wants me to do?” To really hear God’s voice, we have to read his word. Of course, God can use other people as a means of speaking to us what he wants us to know or think about. And God uses his Spirit to instruct us as we pray. Yet, how do we know if what we learn from other people or from prayer is truly in line with God’s will for our lives? We can only know by measuring it against his word. God will never contradict his own, eternal word. Your teens want to hear from God, so help them understand the Bible’s importance as the primary way that God speaks today.

3. How can I understand the Bible?

My wife recently ordered a table on the internet. It came in a small, well-packaged box. Inside were dozens of parts and a single instruction page, with sketchy pictures and poorly-worded steps of assembly. It didn’t take long before I wanted to give up, box it up, and send it back to Amazon! Sometimes the Bible can feel like this. Teens will struggle to read the Bible if they don’t feel like they can understand it. Here are three simple ways you can help your teen persevere in reading the Bible.

a. Remind your teen of the purpose. Reading the Bible isn’t an assignment to check off. The goal is to hear from God. There is no need to rush through it. The Psalmist says, “I will ponder all your work, and meditate on your mighty deeds” (Ps. 77:12). It is more fruitful to ponder one verse, meditate on it, and let God speak to you personally than to read a whole chapter and forget everything you read. Teens are learning to hear God’s voice, and this takes time.

b. Encourage your teen to make a commitment. Help your teens approach Bible reading with a goal. Maybe they commit to reading and meditating on God’s word each day before school. Maybe your family decides to read through a certain book of the Bible at the same time. Parents and teens can hold each other accountable by talking about what God is saying to each of you through his word.

c. Guide your teen in making a plan. It can be helpful to adopt some structure in reading God’s word. While read-the-Bible-in-a-year plans are well organized, they are often overwhelming for teens. It may be more helpful to focus on one particular book of the Bible that is easily accessible, such as Proverbs, Philippians, Acts, or one of the gospels. If your teens have specific questions or needs, you can guide them to additional passages of Scripture that address these areas.

It is not uncommon for teens to struggle with reading the Bible. Yet, with a parent’s gentle instruction and active modeling, they can move past some of the common roadblocks that hold them back from finding life in the word of God. The Bible can be a light for their path through the challenging teen years.

Posted at: https://unlockingthebible.org/2020/10/bible-god-breathed-for-your-teen/

Fatherly Discipline

By Dale Johnson

Fatherhood is simultaneously an esteemed privilege and a daunting assignment. When your brand-new infant is placed in your arms for the first time, your heart is overwhelmed with joy. At the same time, the weight of responsibility can be crushing as you load your vulnerable baby in your car and into your care. This journey of fatherhood is one of navigating the balance between that overwhelming joy and fearful responsibility.

The picturesque perfection of that fragile child seems innocent enough, yet their hearts will bear weeds as sure as the summer garden. It’s hard to believe they are born sinners and will need the corrective oversight of a father. The real task of fathering, loving and corrective discipline, becomes more apparent once he begins totting around and his sinful nature plays peak-a-boo. Men may respond to this God-given responsibility in several different ways. Some men want to disengage from that responsibility, repeating a sinful pattern of manhood that began with Adam in the garden when he abdicated his responsibility to protect against evil. Other men, however, are eager to engage in the task of disciplining their children. For those men who choose engagement there are pitfalls that can hinder effective discipline. Let us first identify a biblical understanding of discipline before we discuss its potential snares.

The Call to Discipline

To my knowledge, the only negative command given to fathers in the New Testament is “do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” In Ephesians 6:4, Paul is warning fathers of a most pressing obstruction to the maturity of their children; provocation to anger. The path to maturity for a child is paved with godly discipline and instruction. Based on common practices, we often interpret this passage simply to mean we need to spank our kids and bring them to church. While church attendance is a priority, we must cease to consider it enough when it comes to instructing our children. Similarly, discipline is not limited to spanking, but rather embodies the idea of enculturation. Deuteronomy 6 prescribes fatherly teaching that consumes mundane daily life in order to instill a Godward orientation within the child. The child should be encouraged to think of all knowledge and life experiences with a keen view to God’s perspective. We are to train them to be wise according to the kingdom of God rather than the worldly wisdom with which we are so tainted. As J.C. Ryle reminds us, “The time is short, the fashion of this world passeth away. He that hath trained his children for heaven, rather than for earth, for God, rather than for man, he is the parent that will be called wise at last.” (Ryle, 9) Discipline encompasses the call of Deuteronomy 6 to be with our children and consistently point them toward a Godward orientation. Not only does this take intentional fatherly action, but we must also address several temptations that will hinder effective discipline.

Snares of Effective Discipline

Anger

Satisfied that you are at least trying to be involved, the flesh is religiously appeased when you engage your children out of anger. The evil one is best at tempting believers to do the right things in the wrong ways. Unfortunately, there are many ways to provoke a child to anger and many dangers as a result. Provoking a child to anger can sever the relational heart strings between father and child. The devastation of the distance this brings between the father and child is broken trust, often resulting in a child who is more likely to rebel against his father’s instructions rather than turning his ear toward his words. (Proverbs 4:20)

We are tempted to discipline out of anger when we want to impart truth to our children without grace. Sinfully, we often care more that our message is heard rather than understood. The child will tend toward conforming outwardly, but inwardly builds disdain toward parental authority and instruction. This may lead your child toward legalism, but not heart transformation.

The flip side of that coin is to discipline with extreme grace minus truth. This is a veiled hatred toward the child, choosing rather to keep him momentarily comfortable in his foolishness. Being ignorant of the truth and accustomed to following his own pleasures the child tends to rebel against God’s loving commands or instruction provided by those acting in authority over him. Either of these two pitfalls provoke a child to anger and hinder the effective discipline of their foolish hearts. (Proverbs 22:15)

Self-Delight

Our discipline is always out of delight, but is that delight in the child or in yourself? Discipline motivated by love demonstrates delight in the child (Proverbs 3:12). However, genuine fatherly concern for our children is often tainted by our selfish pride. A father may be tempted to discipline a child for getting in the way of his own selfish desires, rather than for a particular disobedience. When we discipline from delight in our own way we respond in anger toward our child for hindering our self-pleasure. Death to self dismantles the father’s flesh desires in order to discipline out of delight for the child’s well-being.

Self-Preservation

Ironically, a father’s use of anger to control or tame his child is a demonstration of his lack of self-control. That rotten fruit is born from the seed of self-preservation. In many cases we are trying to preserve our perception of ourselves as a wonderful father. As J.C. Ryle warns, “This is pre-eminently a point in which men can see the faults of their neighbours more clearly than their own.” (Ryle, The Duties of Parents, 2) We are often blind to our own faults in this area.

It is not unusual for children to act like children in public; they spill drinks at tables, throw tantrums with impeccable timing, and disobey when crowds are watching. Those moments unveil a glimpse into a reality with which we would rather not deal, so we dearly cling to faulty thoughts that we are nearly perfect parents and that our kids are reflections of that perfection. In order to preserve that deeply jaded view of ourselves we respond to our kids out of anger, not caring so much to correct their misbehavior, but rather to preserve a reputation of our imagination built out of pride.

Discipline Like the Father

I wish I had a more difficult time thinking of illustrations of my own failures as a father. But the truth of the matter is the struggle against our own flesh is a real and consistent battle. Thankfully, our Heavenly Father demonstrates loving discipline for earthly fathers. God gave himself for our good not to improve his own status, but to restore us. In the same way, our discipline is for the sake of the child and not primarily for the sake of the parent.

Discipline in Kindness

The wrath of God is not the primary motivation that leads us to true change. Understanding the wrath of God is critical to grasping the depth of God’s kindness in Christ. It is, however, God’s kindness that leads us to repentance (Romans 2:4). As a father, kindness toward our children shepherds true heart and mind change. Pervasive kindness keeps a child’s heart open to instruction (Proverbs 16:21).

Discipline in Love

How much must we hate our children to recognize a hindrance to their growth and remain silent? The consequences of a child’s disobedience are far worse if the parent sits by silently without pursuing correction. Because in the end the child’s character will be self-will, pride, and conceit.[1] We must engage as fathers, but we must engage with love. True biblical discipline is motivated by love for and delight in the child and not by anger (Proverbs 3:12).

Faithful fatherly discipline is possible only when the earthly father has been so disciplined from above. Mimic the heart of the Heavenly Father in his kindness and love toward you. Godly discipline seeks good for the child beyond the immediate moment. The love of God seeks us with truth to unveil our faults but demonstrates grace by seeking us when we go astray. Genuine love is expressed toward a child when truth is swaddled by grace. The truth reveals the brokenness of heart and grace seeks to restore and mature the child in wisdom. The purpose of discipline is to make your child wise unto God and delight in his ways. Discipline lovingly done takes immense sacrifice and self-denial. In the end, to discipline with love and sacrifice is to teach a child wisdom unto God, resulting in a glad heart for the father (Proverbs 15:20).

[1] Ryle, Duties of Parents, 21.

Posted at: https://biblicalcounseling.com/fatherly-discipline/

How to Exasperate Your Children

Erik Raymond

The reality of submitting your life to Jesus, and living under his authority has massive implications. When you become a Christian, all of your relationships are redefined by your relationship with Jesus.

In Ephesians 2-3, we see that people who had substantial personal differences because of the color of their skin or their country of origin were to be set aside in light of their shared relationship in Christ. Being a Christian takes priority. Now in God’s family, we are to be loving, gentle, forgiving, and gracious to one another. Later in Ephesians 5, marriage gets a facelift. A Christian marriage should look much different from other marriages in the world around us. This is because of the relationships the husband and wife have with Jesus.

But this isn’t all. Even the relationships between parents and children are different. They don’t march according to the drumbeat of the world around us but rather according to the tune of heaven. We salute the King, even in our parenting. When the gospel comes to the home, there are changes. God gives specific instructions for the family to reflect his authority. In verses 1-3, instructions for children. And in verse 4, instructions for parents.

Notice in verse 4 that it’s addressed to fathers. The word translated here as “fathers” is the common word for father. (Although, in Hebrews 11:23, it is used to describe both parents.) In light of the revolutionary and counter-cultural way Christian dads were to treat their kids, it is likely addressed to fathers to make the point about their accountability to God and the need for something different to take place.

He says, in Ephesians 6:4: “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

Pretty straight-forward, don’t do this, do that. In this article let’s think about what not to do. Do not provoke your children to anger. The word here translated “provoke” has the sense of exasperating, instigating, or inciting. It’s the idea of pushing the children’s buttons and getting under their skin. Calvin says parents mustn’t “irritate their children by unreasonable severity.” In a parallel passage in Colossians 3, we read, “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.”

Don’t exasperate your kids, lest you discourage them.

How can you exasperate your children? Here are 11 ways.

1. Bullying: Parents are generally bigger, stronger, and more intelligent than their kids. Combined with the authority of parenting, this could be wielded with harsh and intimidating words that greatly discourage children.

2. Showing favoritism: If parents favor one child over another discouragement is inevitable (think about Jacob and Esau).

3. Question their salvation every time they mess up: Saying, “Are you even a Christian?” when your kids do something wrong will reinforce the (erroneous) view that Christians never do anything wrong and that the gospel is not for them.

4. Unclear standards: Kids need to know and understand the standards they are being held to. If not, then they’ll be confused, surprised, and discouraged.

5. Unexplained discipline: Discipline requires instruction. Even in Ephesians 6:4, there is a don’t do this and a do this. There is a need to explain what is right and what is wrong.

6. Inconsistency: Parents need to be consistent with their kids. If something is wrong on Tuesday, it should be wrong on Thursday. Inconsistency sends mixed messages, and, when punished, they lose trust.

7. Excessive or unreasonable discipline: Just as there are levels of rebellion, there should be corresponding levels of discipline. Also, parents can’t discipline for every single thing that the child does that is wrong. (Otherwise, they would never stop correcting.) Be careful of punishing too often or excessively. Discipline should be reasonable.

8. Discipline out of anger: Parents who are out of control and losing their temper will hurt their children and discourage them. Think of how twisted it is to inflict harm in the name of love. It will also most certainly damage the child and the relationship. Be careful, parents. (Sometimes we may need a time out.)

9. Humiliation: Parents are seeking to build up their kids. If they are humiliating them (in public, in front of their siblings, or even one-on-one) with words or discipline, they will most certainly exasperate them.

10. Never admit you are wrong: Kids live with their parents. They see when they mess up. If the parent never admits they are wrong, especially when the offense is toward the child, then they will soon see through all of the Bible talk. Humility is required by parents who don’t want to exasperate their children.

11. Over-protection and smothering: Well-meaning overprotection can cause discouragement and resentment. Remember, kids are people who need to grow. Their wills should be shepherded, but they can’t be controlled absolutely.

I’m sure there are a dozen more ways to do this, but you get the idea. God loves children. And so Christian moms and dads should too. This means not exasperating them.

Posted at: https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/erik-raymond/how-to-exasperate-your-children-2/

Trusting God in the Sleepless Nights of Motherhood

Sara Wallace

I remember the woman who made me terrified of becoming a mother.

My husband and I were attending a Bible study with another family who had four small children. Every time they came to the study, the mom and dad couldn’t keep their eyes open. The mom just stared blankly at the study leader and groaned every time she had to get up to chase the children.

I couldn’t relate to that level of exhaustion. But I would learn soon enough. I would walk that sleep-deprived road five times with five babies. I myself would become that bedraggled, blankly staring lady who scared all the young women in the church into never wanting kids.

Now I can look back on that season and laugh at the craziness. I’ve come out the other side. I survived. Now I tell my kids, “I was so tired when I had you, I put my phone in the fridge. I forgot the words to ‘Jesus Loves Me.’ I put olive oil in my coffee instead of creamer. I ran all over the house trying to find you and then found you nursing on my breast. I started the dryer with nothing in it. I made choo-choo sounds whenever I saw a train, even if I was completely alone.”

I can laugh now, but I couldn’t laugh when I was in the midst of it. My season of sleeplessness was one of the hardest times of my life.

Facing Our Physical Limitations

When my first baby was 4 weeks old, I got into a horrible cycle of insomnia. My postpartum hormones were out of control, and the roots of anxiety strangled out every opportunity for me to sleep. I would put the baby down for the night and lie in my bed staring at the clock. I knew I would have a couple of hours at best before the baby woke up to eat. As the minutes ticked by, I pictured my stores of strength for the next day draining away. I knew I would have nothing left.

But what could I do? I felt completely helpless. Sometimes I had panic attacks, and I had to get up and pace just to try to slow my heart rate.

I begged God to let me sleep. “Don’t you know I need this?” I pleaded. “How can I do what you called me to do if I can’t sleep?” I was confused. Being a mom was hard enough. How could I do it with no sleep?

It is true that we need sleep. Sleep is a good gift from God. God does not treat our physical needs lightly. He is the one who created us with these needs, and he delights in meeting them. But, as with many good gifts that meet our needs, this one had become an idol to me. My heart was telling God, “I cannot trust your care for me unless I have sleep.” My hope was in the gift, not in the Giver.

God was prying my hands open to make me let go of my dangerous self-reliance. I was terrified of what I would find if I truly came to the end of myself. I didn’t want to know. But God didn’t give me a choice. Sleeplessness forced me to stare my utter helplessness in the face. But instead of finding a black hole of despair, I found the grace of God.

Daily Mercies

In my own sleepless nights and the torturous days that followed, I saw God’s mercy. There were many days when I couldn’t see anything but God’s mercy. I saw his mercy in friends and family who provided food when I could barely remember where the fridge was. I saw his mercy in naps I was able to take at completely unplanned times. I saw his mercy in coffee. I saw his mercy in verses that had been hidden in my heart for years that suddenly came alive to hold me tight when I felt like I was falling through thin air.

This sleepless stage of life is a great reminder of things that are guaranteed—and things that are not. I’m not guaranteed a good night’s sleep. God doesn’t owe it to me.

But there is comfort that runs deeper than simply outlasting a particular stage. There is something that is guaranteed to us, right now, with sleep or without sleep: “But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness” (Lam. 3:21–23).

I love that that verse uses the word “morning.” As a sleep-deprived mom, mornings can be especially grueling. But that’s exactly where God meets us with fresh mercy.

I might not feel “new” every morning, but God’s mercies are always new. My energy might be small (or non-existent), but God’s faithfulness is great. My legs might be wobbly, but God’s love is steadfast. Sleeplessness has stripped me of all my strength time and again, but it has never destroyed me. No matter how weak my body, my mind, or even my faith, God has been “the strength of my heart and my portion forever” (Ps. 73:26).

My flesh and my heart have failed me many times—but God has never failed me.

Our Limitless God

When everything is going well, it’s easy for us to say we trust God. We don’t even realize that we have placed conditions on him until those conditions are tested. My sleepless nights revealed that I was really thinking, God can help me through the day (as long as I get a good night’s sleep). And by taking away sleep he was graciously taking away those conditions. He was showing me that he is enough.

Do we trust God to equip us for the tasks that he calls us to? When he called me to be a mom and gave me my marching orders, I didn’t need to hand him a list of his marching orders, too. “You must give me sleep, physical strength, energy, clarity of mind, and emotional stability. Then I can do this.” Instead I should have said, “All I need is you.”

When God gave Mary the task of bearing his Son, she didn’t ask for a supply list. She said, “Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word” (Luke 1:38). The God who knows the number of the hairs on our heads and knows the number of the stars and calls them each by name (see Ps. 147:4; Matt. 10:30)—that same God has planned exactly how much sleep we will get each night, down to the last second. And each moment will put his mercy on display.

Editors’ note:

This is an adapted excerpt from Created to Care: God’s Truth for Anxious Moms (P&R, 2019).

Sara Wallace graduated from The Master’s University and was a classroom teacher before becoming a homeschool mom. She and her husband, Dave, live with their five sons in Idaho. She is the author of Created to Care (P&R, 2019), For the Love of Discipline (P&R, 2018), and The Gospel-Centered Mom Bible study (Minuteman Press, 2014), and she writes at gospelcenteredmom.com. You can follow her on Facebook.

Posted at: https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/trusting-god-sleepless-nights-motherhood/

Three Ways to Pray for Your Adult Children

Michele Morin

Roots and wings are the gifts Christian parents pass on to our children. We establish rules, give them responsibilities that build confidence and skill, and water those deep roots with lots of love and prayer, knowing that strengthening wings will soon carry our children away from home, out of reach of our influence and our protection. In my family, there is now one more full-fledged adult as my third son has graduated from college.

In my prayers for the four young men who are so close to my heart, I’m taking my cues from the book of Philippians. Writing from a Roman prison, Paul the missionary church planter tips his hand and opens his heart to reveal Paul the spiritual father. His prayers for new believers and leaders in faraway fledgling churches have fueled my own prayer life as, one by one, my sons leave the nest to make independent lives and decisions in a world very different from the one I encountered at their age.

Prayers for strong marriages, safety on the job, or wisdom in college selection are all good requests from the heart of a Christian mum, but Paul’s three-verse, single-sentence outpouring to God challenges me to lift my sights to motivation and to pray about the drive behind my adult children’s following lives — and to take a careful look at my own.

1. God, please guide their loves.

It is my prayer that your love may abound more and more, with knowledge and all discernment . . . (Philippians 1:9)

When Paul prayed for knowledge and discernment for the church in Philippi, he may have been concerned about false teachers (Philippians 3:2) or even about the pull of civic pride that could have influenced these Roman citizens to settle for the glory of Rome over the glory of God. He desired that their growing love would be anchored in truth and focused Godward.

While he was in their presence, Paul would have filled them up with knowledge about the nature of God as revealed in Jesus Christ; he would have put on display Christ’s humble obedience (Philippians 2:8). Paul had been a model citizen of heaven (Philippians 3:17–21; 4:9), but now they were on their own. It was time to trust that the knowledge he had shared with them would be transformed into discernment in the hearts and minds of newly minted Christ-followers.

Likewise, twenty-first-century distractions from holy living abound, and our adult children need knowledge and discernment to guide their hearts. Agape, the unique love of God, is wild and deep, but it is not vague or sentimental. Discerning love submits to the mind’s critical faculties and the Spirit’s guidance, for, as Stuart Briscoe quipped, “Love may be blind, but agape has twenty-twenty vision.”

As we pray for our children’s love to grow, we must also pray that God would guide them toward worthy objects of love so they will, for example, persevere in loving their wives more than they love their hobbies, and value time with their children more than time with their colleagues. We trust God to give our adult children eyes to see the truth about their own hearts’ affections.

2. God, please guard their integrity.

. . . so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ . . . (Philippians 1:10)

Since the word approve in Greek culture was associated with the purification of precious metals or the verification of currency, Paul’s idea of approval would likely have been shaped by thoughts of authenticity. He yearned for believers who were pure, unmixed, and without alloy — whose lives were exactly as they appeared to be. This integrity of inward motive and outward manner echoes David’s ponderings about holiness in Psalm 24:3–4:

Who shall ascend the hill of the Lord?
     And who shall stand in his holy place?
He who has clean hands and a pure heart,
     who does not lift up his soul to what is false
     and does not swear deceitfully.

Lifting our souls in worship to what is false includes a pervasive idolatry of image that was not even possible in previous generations. In a culture shaped by social media, perhaps we should pray that our adult children will find grace to live in such a way that their real stories and their Instagram stories might be one and the same.

As a parent to adult children, my own integrity is also a concern — and therefore a matter of prayer. Sadly, I am a member of a parental generation that will change its politics, ethics, and even biblical worldview to “stay friends” with our children, demonstrating that we are more concerned about our relationship with our kids than our kids’ relationship with God. When our adult children make bad choices, it will be tempting to strike out onto “the gentle slope, soft underfoot” that C.S. Lewis’s Screwtape recommended as the “safest road to Hell” (The Screwtape Letters, 61). “Well, I think the Bible’s pretty harsh on that one,” we might think. “We really can’t be dogmatic.”

Instead, it is our job to hold fast to our own integrity of belief, no matter how much we long for family harmony. We must leave room for God to work, and pray he will awaken our son’s or daughter’s conscience, trusting that he has not suddenly taken a position on the sidelines of their lives. If we undercut his voice, we get in the Spirit’s way — and sabotage our own pure and blameless walk in the process.

3. God, please grant them fruitful lives for your glory.

. . . filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God. (Philippians 1:11)

The fruit that righteousness produces may be quite visible. In Paul’s case, fruitfulness looked like a long list of new converts, churches sprouting all along his path throughout Europe and Asia Minor, and mentoring relationships that spawned leaders and teachers sufficient for the task of carrying the gospel forward for another generation.

While our own sons and daughters may not be called to lead churches or movements, by the power of the Holy Spirit, they are responsible and well able to produce the fruit of spiritual attitudes and righteous actions. Holding fast to what is good and refusing to sell themselves to what is false, our adult children will “shine as lights in the world” (Philippians 2:15), putting on display the humility and moral excellence Christ himself demonstrated. As parents, our rubric for measuring success in our children’s lives must also be subject to this same filter of Christlikeness, as we trust for grace to resist the temptation to adopt cultural definitions of success based on income or influence.

Paul prayed that the lives of his spiritual children would be characterized by right choices and pure motives fueled by an abounding love for God and steeped in sincerity that looks nothing like sentimentality. As my prayers are shaped by the apostle’s, I also want to be one with him in motivation, for while our adult children have great potential to bring joy to a parent’s heart and great fulfillment to our days, the ultimate goal of their lives, as with our own, is “the glory and praise of God.”

As parents who are continually being shaped and stretched by our prayer life, may we join with Paul, with our much-loved children, and with other believers throughout the ages in bringing glory to God through a fruitful life that flows from a heart of love.

Posted at: https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/three-ways-to-pray-for-adult-children?fbclid=IwAR1sNNmagYuDM05i4GZNrViwIkyPL_jxQdpsFuWRgvRyuR1Km6IHRNa0woI

7 Ways Parents Unfairly Provoke Their Children

by Tim Challies

Parents, do not provoke your children to anger lest they become discouraged, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” This single sentence combines the New Testament’s two most prominent passages on parenting and, as I said yesterday (see Fathers (and Mothers), Do Not Provoke Your Children!), offers a significant warning to parents: We can parent our children in such a way that we provoke them to anger and discouragement. There are times when we so provoke our children that anger is the fitting and inevitable response. Today I want to offer a few ways that we, as parents, may provoke our children to that kind of anger and discouragement.

Goodness instead of holiness. We may provoke our children to anger and discouragement when we teach them to be good instead of holy, when we care more for their good behavior than their holy hearts. We can too easily content ourselves with outwardly moral children instead of children who are inwardly holy. We can focus on bad behavior instead of the sinful heart that causes and enjoys that bad behavior. This will eventually provoke our children to anger and discouragement because they will see that we are calling them to a standard of behavior that is impossible, a standard they cannot reach until their hearts are first transformed. Not only that, but they will see the gap between what the Bible teaches and what we promote, and they will sink into angry despair. Parents, don’t content yourself with good kids but pray for holy kids, for children whose good behavior flows out of a transformed heart. Shepherd them with and to the gospel instead of badgering them with unfair and impossible demands.

We need to live before our children in such a way that we can say not only “Do what I say” but “Do what I do.”

Hypocrisy instead of authenticity. We can provoke our children to anger and discouragement when we live with hypocrisy instead of authenticity, when we hold ourselves to one standard but hold them to another one. When we allow this, our children will see that we have no firm standard and they will come to believe that the Christian faith only calls for change in the eyes of other people, not in the eyes of God. Yet God calls us to discipline and instruct our children by explanation and demonstration, by explaining with words and demonstrating with our lives. We need to live before our children in such a way that we can say not only “Do what I say” but “Do what I do.” We need to take our cues from the apostle Paul who could boldly tell others, “Be imitators of me as I am of Christ” (1 Corinthians 11:1). (See The Humblest Words.)

Doubt instead of confidence. We can provoke our children when we live in great doubt instead of great confidence in God’s desire to save them. There are all sorts of good things we want for our children, but nothing more than their salvation. Parents can live with crippling fear that God will not save our children, and this fear has consequences: We can become heavy-handed, demanding our children turn to Christ, or we can become manipulative, constantly begging or pleading with them to make a profession. Our children may then grow angry and discouraged because they will see their parents professing faith in a God who is sovereign and good but then acting as if God is neither one. God’s instruction to parents is to discipline and instruct our children with confidence that God loves to save the lost and that he saves them through the appointed means—the gospel. (See 1 Timothy 2:4 and What Gives God Pleasure.) As we expose our children to the gospel through our discipline and instruction, we can expect that the gospel will do its work. We need to raise our children to hear the gospel proclaimed and to see it lived out. All the while we need to trust that God will work through his gospel.

We need to wisely protect our children, but without fearfully sheltering them.

Fear instead of boldness. We may provoke our children when we raise them in fear instead of boldness. It is wise parenting to protect our children by holding back evil influences until they have developed and matured. But it is unwise parenting to so shelter our children that they never see and experience sin and its ugly consequences. Many parents make decisions about relationships or church or education or family involvement based on fear. But fear-based parenting provokes children because we create a fictional world, a bubble that does not reflect reality. Not only that, but we hide from our children the experience of seeing sin and its consequences, the undeniable reality that sin promises joy and life but brings sadness and death. While we need to boldly raise our children to be in but not of the world, we cannot do this by sheltering them entirely from the world. We need to wisely protect our children, but without fearfully sheltering them.

Anger instead of patience. We may provoke our children to anger and lead to their discouragement if we raise them with anger instead of patience. So many can testify that their parents used anger or the threat of anger as a means of correction and punishment. Discipline was not delivered with calmness and self-control but with angry slaps or cutting words. And of course this leads to anger. A parent’s anger leads to their child’s anger. How couldn’t it? But in this case the parent’s anger is unjust while the child’s anger is just. God expects that we will discipline and instruct our children with patience and kindness. This involves modeling the very actions, attitudes, and words we want them to display.

Aloofness instead of involvement. We may provoke our children when we raise them with aloofness instead of involvement. Too often we are involved in our kids’ lives only when there are problems. We have little real relationship with our children, but then come rushing in during times of danger, disobedience, or difficulty. The parents I most want to imitate are the ones who deliberately build friendships with their children, who have a vision of their grown children being their friends and Christian brothers or sisters, and who then work deliberately toward those goals. These parents give time and attention to their children while they are young, they raise them with kindness and discipline, and they do this by holding in mind the future relationship they long to have. Parents, we need to pursue and befriend our children. (See An Unexpected Blessing of Parenting.)

Pride instead of humility. We will undoubtedly provoke our children to anger and discouragement if we raise them in pride instead of humility. Every generation of Christians seems to have to rediscover the ugliness of pride and the beauty of humility. Every parent needs to discover it as well. Parental pride manifests itself in a hundred different ways, but perhaps never more clearly than in an unwillingness to seek our children’s forgiveness. Pride convinces us that apologizing to our children displays weakness, that it gives them power over us. Nothing could be further from the truth! Humility convinces us that apologizing to our children displays the greatest strength, that it models the very character of Christ. We will inevitably sin against our children so we need to humbly seek their forgiveness, trusting that while God opposes the proud he gives great grace to the humble (see James 4:6).

There are undoubtedly many more ways that we can sinfully, unjustly provoke our children. There are undoubtedly many more ways that we actually do. So we honor God and love our children by examining ourselves and our parenting to find our particular temptations. Where we find them we must confess and repent. And all the while we can have confidence that God chooses to display his strength through our weakness, his power through our inadequacy.

Posted at: https://www.challies.com/articles/7-ways-parents-unfairly-provoke-our-children/

Fathers (and Mothers), Do Not Provoke Your Children

By Tim Challies

It’s a word, it’s an idea, that I have wanted to explore for some time. Within the New Testament there are two clear instructions to parents and this word features prominently in both of them. It is the word provoke. Ephesians 6:4 says, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” while Colossians 3:21 echoes “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.” Risking the wrath of expositors everywhere, I created a mash-up of the two that reads like this: “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger lest they become discouraged, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” I’d like to suggest a number of ways that we, as parents, may sinfully, unjustly provoke our children. But before we do that, let’s walk through these two passages together.

Fathers. The first word in both passages is Fathers. While it is fathers who are addressed here, most commentators acknowledge that it is fair to see these instructions as being written to both parents. Greek society was patriarchal so Paul addressed the mothers through the fathers. We are on good ground allowing the verse to speak equally to both parents.

Do not provoke … to anger. Both passages contain the same exhortation: Do not provoke, though Ephesians adds to anger. Provoke is the kind of word you might use when you kindle a fire into flame—you begin with something small and provoke it into a roaring fire. Or from another angle, it is the kind of word you might use when you are getting your children all excited, chasing them around and tickling them until you provoke them to being all wound up. Here, of course, Paul is using it in a negative sense of stirring, exasperating, or irritating them toward anger or bitterness. Parents must not provoke their children to anger.

There are times when we so provoke our children, we so exasperate them, that anger is the fitting response.

I want to make an important application: Parents can cause their children to become angry and bitter. I’m sure you know this and I can assure you that they know this. But I think we can go even a step further to say there are times when our children are justified in their anger toward us. There are times when we so provoke our children, we so exasperate them, that anger is the fitting response. It may even be the right response if that anger is expressed in righteous ways. There may be times when your children’s anger toward you is more righteous than your actions or attitude toward them.

Next we read, lest they become discouraged. A discouraged child is one who has lost heart. He is so beaten down that he has lost hope, he has lost motivation, he doesn’t care anymore. One Bible translates it, “lest he get discouraged and quit trying.” The idea here is that you can so beat down your children that they stop trying to please you. Maybe your demands are arbitrary or unfair, maybe you never praise your children and take joy in them, maybe you live hypocritically before them with higher expectations for them than for yourself. Whatever the case, they eventually stop caring and stop trying. Douglas Moo says, “Paul does not want to see the children of Christian families disciplined to such an extent that they ‘lose heart’ and simply give up trying to please their parents.”

Putting it all together, God exhorts parents in this way: Parents, do not provoke your children to anger lest they become discouraged. On the heels of that exhortation he offers a solution: “But bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Do not beat down, but raise up. Do not provoke with impatience and injustice, but instead shepherd with nurture and tenderness, and do this through discipline and instruction.

These two words are key: discipline and instruction. Between them they offer words of training and correction, words of admonition and rebuke, words that express both the positive and the negative sides of leadership. You need to correct your children, sometimes with a look, sometimes with a word, sometimes with a timeout, and sometimes with a spank. That is the negative side of parenting. But positively, you also need to teach them, explaining to them what is right, demonstrating how they are to live. This little pair of words covers both the positive and the negative sides of learning and growing, helping our children go from folly to wisdom, from childishness to maturity, from self-centeredness to loving others, and, we trust, from sin to salvation.

Parents, do not provoke your children to anger lest they become discouraged, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. With all of this in place, we are prepared to look at how parents may sinfully, unjustly provoke their children to anger and discouragement. We will turn to that tomorrow. (See 7 Ways Parents Provoke Our Children)

Posted at: https://www.challies.com/articles/fathers-and-mothers-do-not-provoke-your-children/?fbclid=IwAR2z7znpbgEOamOoOEX46jfcvkdeohi_m0LebPOWvlUKGIIYS8ACi3c0Y1g

What Captures Your Heart?

by Jay Younts, Shepherd’s Press

What is it that captures your heart? What matters more than anything else? Whether you are conscious of it or not, these questions drive both you and your children. Jesus graciously leads us into this discussion in Matthew 13:44:

The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and covered up. Then in his joy he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field.

This man found a treasure. He quickly buried it again hoping no one noticed. Filled with joy, he went off and sold everything so that he could buy the field and possess the treasure. He did not sell all out of a sense of obligation. Can you imagine finding the treasure and saying, 

Wouldn’t you know that I would have to find the treasure in the field? I hate it when this happens to me! Now I will have to sell all my stuff so I can buy that stupid field and possess that treasure.

This man wasn’t driven by obligation. He sold his belongings out of a sense of profound joy. The treasure captured his heart! This is what the kingdom of heaven is like. Until your children have understood that nothing in all the earth matters but knowing and loving Jesus, they will never know him and love him and serve him. Delight in God cannot occur in a vacuum.

 What do your children believe about what captures your heart?  Do they believe that following after God and his treasure is your obligation or your greatest joy?  You see, the man who found the treasure knew that there was nothing on earth more important than possessing the priceless treasure. He knew that his earthly stuff was not was his life was about. 

Jesus told his followers that pursuing the righteousness of his kingdom, the treasure in the field, would lead to having everything that is important in life. The passionate pursuit of God’s treasure keeps worry from dominating your life. 

You want good things for your children. The best gift that you can give them is a heart that is captured by the pursuit of the treasure in God’s kingdom. Your children know what your heart values. They are able to look beyond the words of your mouth. They know what captures your heart.

Posted at: https://www.shepherdpress.com/what-captures-your-heart/?fbclid=IwAR1srSJp5VSbe35tfpnGRRyak0UppAUzc1e6a1PlJU-cbnT573WcQ39JdGo

Chip Away at Your Child's Spiritual Growth

By Jen Oshman

My husband loves to tell the story of speaking with a World War II veteran almost 20 years ago. Mark was working at Oppenheimer Funds, advising and serving clients with their mutual funds. He got a call one day from a man in his 80s who, Mark quickly found out, had well over a million dollars in his account. 

Would you like to know the secret to his financial success? 

He put away $25 per month starting from the age of 18. That’s it. Nothing aggressive. No getting rich quick. Just small, slow, steady deposits each and every month. 

It reminds me of what my Crossfit coach says during seemingly insurmountable workouts: Chip away at it. Just chip away. 

It’s the principle of how you eat an elephant: one bite at a time. 

It’s the “daily drip of obedience” that my friend’s mentor admonished him to pursue. 

We humans are drawn to get rich quick schemes, to lose 10 pounds by this weekend diets, to the express lane. Like moths to a flame, we love instant gratification, magic formulas, and silver bullets. But we know silver bullets are rare. We know the truth is that real growth comes in one small, right decision after another. 

And so it is with bringing up children in the Lord. 

Late Easter (yesterday) afternoon I received a photo by text from a friend. It was of one of my teenage daughters leading a Sunday school class of toddlers through the twelve Resurrection Eggs. My friend said the kids were captivated, as she told the story of Jesus’s life, death, and resurrection using the eggs and the little figures they each contain. 

I immediately texted another photo back to my friend. It was of me about eight years ago doing the same thing: teaching the resurrection story to some young children, using the same eggs  at our church in Okinawa. 

Every Easter since my first daughter was born, I have used the Resurrection Eggs on Easter morning to tell my own children, as well as the children of our church, the story of Jesus. Each time I go through the story it only takes about ten minutes. There’s nothing fancy—no video or song or take-home craft. Just some eggs, some figures, some Bible knowledge, and a young, listening audience. 

Apparently my daughter has been listening, because without prompting from me or anyone else, she grabbed the eggs and did exactly what she has seen me do every Easter of her life. My small, steady investment paid off. 

This story is a simple one, but it’s one of many, now that my girls are all twelve and above, Mark and I keep witnessing the dividends of our small, but repetitive, investments. It has been in their outspoken refutation of a secular TV show, and their conversations with one another about what modesty is and what it isn’t, and their robust conversation in the car about how Jesus fulfilled the Old Testament laws (all three of these things transpired in the last week). 

You must believe me when I tell you that we have never done a whole lot in the way of spiritual formation with our kids. I can tell you honestly that is has just been one small bite every day. We’ve chipped away, unimpressively, at their spiritual growth. 

Our routines have usually consisted of the following: 

• asking the girls to keep some kind of Bible reading plan that they maintain on their own

• watching 10 minutes of global news together about four times a week and discussing it from a Biblical worldview 

• me reading a chapter a day (about 4/7 days a week) from some kind of spiritual formation book out loud (see my “Book Reviews” for ideas)

• praying together about 4/7 mornings a week for our family’s needs, missionaries, unreached people, our neighbors, and others

• eating most dinners together, praying as a family at dinner, and discussing my husband’s sermon or what’s going on in the world or in their own lives

• attending church (and serving) together every Sunday no matter what 

• Mark reading them a story before bed (about 4/7 times a week), praying with them, and often striking up a deep conversation about once a week

These few and simple tasks add up to mere minutes a day. They are routine and rythymic, but they are not deep or impressive in any way. And, as you can see, none of them happens every day. We aim for general consistency, but know that perfection is not at all realistic. 

And I’m seeing now that these small things make an impact. These seemingly insignificant habits have formed some significant things in my daughters: some solid theology, an ability to critique pop culture and media, a capacity to apply a biblical worldview to the news, an awareness of Bible stories and the so-what behind them, an understanding of Jesus’s life, death, and resurrection, and a desire to teach the Bible to younger children. 

God, in his mercy, has seen fit to impress one little truth upon another in their lives. Our tiny, but frequent (not perfect! not even daily!) investments are paying off. This is not to say—at all—that my girls have arrived. It is not to claim that they’ve made it to Christian maturity. There are still so many ways I look forward to seeing them grow. This is only to say that God has been faithful to us, in spite of our weak offerings, our imperfect skill, our laziness, our quick-get-this-done mentality at times.  

Like the millionaire on Mark’s phone call, setting aside a little something on a consistent basis has added up over time. Be encouraged. Your children are listening. Your children are absorbing. Your small monthly payment is going to pay off in a big way in the decades to come. 

Don’t believe the hype—you don’t need a silver bullet, a glossy kids program, a magical summer camp (though those can be sweet added bonuses). You just need a commitment to put in small amounts of time, consistently over time, and God will take care of the rest.

And then you’ll likely find yourself on the phone one day with a younger parent asking you how you became a millionaire in the spiritual formation of your kids. You will be able to tell them then that it was nothing fancy. You just protected and deposited a small amount each month, you chipped away at it, you took one bite at a time. 

Posted at: https://www.jenoshman.com/jen-oshman-blog/2019/4/22/chip-away-at-your-childrens-spiritual-growth