Fatherly Discipline

By Dale Johnson

Fatherhood is simultaneously an esteemed privilege and a daunting assignment. When your brand-new infant is placed in your arms for the first time, your heart is overwhelmed with joy. At the same time, the weight of responsibility can be crushing as you load your vulnerable baby in your car and into your care. This journey of fatherhood is one of navigating the balance between that overwhelming joy and fearful responsibility.

The picturesque perfection of that fragile child seems innocent enough, yet their hearts will bear weeds as sure as the summer garden. It’s hard to believe they are born sinners and will need the corrective oversight of a father. The real task of fathering, loving and corrective discipline, becomes more apparent once he begins totting around and his sinful nature plays peak-a-boo. Men may respond to this God-given responsibility in several different ways. Some men want to disengage from that responsibility, repeating a sinful pattern of manhood that began with Adam in the garden when he abdicated his responsibility to protect against evil. Other men, however, are eager to engage in the task of disciplining their children. For those men who choose engagement there are pitfalls that can hinder effective discipline. Let us first identify a biblical understanding of discipline before we discuss its potential snares.

The Call to Discipline

To my knowledge, the only negative command given to fathers in the New Testament is “do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” In Ephesians 6:4, Paul is warning fathers of a most pressing obstruction to the maturity of their children; provocation to anger. The path to maturity for a child is paved with godly discipline and instruction. Based on common practices, we often interpret this passage simply to mean we need to spank our kids and bring them to church. While church attendance is a priority, we must cease to consider it enough when it comes to instructing our children. Similarly, discipline is not limited to spanking, but rather embodies the idea of enculturation. Deuteronomy 6 prescribes fatherly teaching that consumes mundane daily life in order to instill a Godward orientation within the child. The child should be encouraged to think of all knowledge and life experiences with a keen view to God’s perspective. We are to train them to be wise according to the kingdom of God rather than the worldly wisdom with which we are so tainted. As J.C. Ryle reminds us, “The time is short, the fashion of this world passeth away. He that hath trained his children for heaven, rather than for earth, for God, rather than for man, he is the parent that will be called wise at last.” (Ryle, 9) Discipline encompasses the call of Deuteronomy 6 to be with our children and consistently point them toward a Godward orientation. Not only does this take intentional fatherly action, but we must also address several temptations that will hinder effective discipline.

Snares of Effective Discipline

Anger

Satisfied that you are at least trying to be involved, the flesh is religiously appeased when you engage your children out of anger. The evil one is best at tempting believers to do the right things in the wrong ways. Unfortunately, there are many ways to provoke a child to anger and many dangers as a result. Provoking a child to anger can sever the relational heart strings between father and child. The devastation of the distance this brings between the father and child is broken trust, often resulting in a child who is more likely to rebel against his father’s instructions rather than turning his ear toward his words. (Proverbs 4:20)

We are tempted to discipline out of anger when we want to impart truth to our children without grace. Sinfully, we often care more that our message is heard rather than understood. The child will tend toward conforming outwardly, but inwardly builds disdain toward parental authority and instruction. This may lead your child toward legalism, but not heart transformation.

The flip side of that coin is to discipline with extreme grace minus truth. This is a veiled hatred toward the child, choosing rather to keep him momentarily comfortable in his foolishness. Being ignorant of the truth and accustomed to following his own pleasures the child tends to rebel against God’s loving commands or instruction provided by those acting in authority over him. Either of these two pitfalls provoke a child to anger and hinder the effective discipline of their foolish hearts. (Proverbs 22:15)

Self-Delight

Our discipline is always out of delight, but is that delight in the child or in yourself? Discipline motivated by love demonstrates delight in the child (Proverbs 3:12). However, genuine fatherly concern for our children is often tainted by our selfish pride. A father may be tempted to discipline a child for getting in the way of his own selfish desires, rather than for a particular disobedience. When we discipline from delight in our own way we respond in anger toward our child for hindering our self-pleasure. Death to self dismantles the father’s flesh desires in order to discipline out of delight for the child’s well-being.

Self-Preservation

Ironically, a father’s use of anger to control or tame his child is a demonstration of his lack of self-control. That rotten fruit is born from the seed of self-preservation. In many cases we are trying to preserve our perception of ourselves as a wonderful father. As J.C. Ryle warns, “This is pre-eminently a point in which men can see the faults of their neighbours more clearly than their own.” (Ryle, The Duties of Parents, 2) We are often blind to our own faults in this area.

It is not unusual for children to act like children in public; they spill drinks at tables, throw tantrums with impeccable timing, and disobey when crowds are watching. Those moments unveil a glimpse into a reality with which we would rather not deal, so we dearly cling to faulty thoughts that we are nearly perfect parents and that our kids are reflections of that perfection. In order to preserve that deeply jaded view of ourselves we respond to our kids out of anger, not caring so much to correct their misbehavior, but rather to preserve a reputation of our imagination built out of pride.

Discipline Like the Father

I wish I had a more difficult time thinking of illustrations of my own failures as a father. But the truth of the matter is the struggle against our own flesh is a real and consistent battle. Thankfully, our Heavenly Father demonstrates loving discipline for earthly fathers. God gave himself for our good not to improve his own status, but to restore us. In the same way, our discipline is for the sake of the child and not primarily for the sake of the parent.

Discipline in Kindness

The wrath of God is not the primary motivation that leads us to true change. Understanding the wrath of God is critical to grasping the depth of God’s kindness in Christ. It is, however, God’s kindness that leads us to repentance (Romans 2:4). As a father, kindness toward our children shepherds true heart and mind change. Pervasive kindness keeps a child’s heart open to instruction (Proverbs 16:21).

Discipline in Love

How much must we hate our children to recognize a hindrance to their growth and remain silent? The consequences of a child’s disobedience are far worse if the parent sits by silently without pursuing correction. Because in the end the child’s character will be self-will, pride, and conceit.[1] We must engage as fathers, but we must engage with love. True biblical discipline is motivated by love for and delight in the child and not by anger (Proverbs 3:12).

Faithful fatherly discipline is possible only when the earthly father has been so disciplined from above. Mimic the heart of the Heavenly Father in his kindness and love toward you. Godly discipline seeks good for the child beyond the immediate moment. The love of God seeks us with truth to unveil our faults but demonstrates grace by seeking us when we go astray. Genuine love is expressed toward a child when truth is swaddled by grace. The truth reveals the brokenness of heart and grace seeks to restore and mature the child in wisdom. The purpose of discipline is to make your child wise unto God and delight in his ways. Discipline lovingly done takes immense sacrifice and self-denial. In the end, to discipline with love and sacrifice is to teach a child wisdom unto God, resulting in a glad heart for the father (Proverbs 15:20).

[1] Ryle, Duties of Parents, 21.

Posted at: https://biblicalcounseling.com/fatherly-discipline/

When the Lord Sets His Shears on You

James Williams

The cold grasp of Winter was losing its grip and being overpowered by the warm embrace of Spring.

My yard was transforming from brown to green and the eerie stillness morphing into buzzing insects and the smell of freshly-cut grass. Evenings spent near the fireplace were giving way to sunny outings in the garden planting veggies and pulling weeds.

Spring gardens require many tasks to thrive, one of which is pruning. I recently took a pair of scissors and went through the row of onions cutting the newly developed seed pods on the top of the plants. Then, I went to each tomato plant and cut off side shoots and "suckers."

If I don't prune these unnecessary growths, they will take nutrients and energy that would otherwise go to developing bigger fruit and healthier plants. While cutting off parts of the plant may look like I'm destroying it, I'm actually improving its health and ability to thrive because I know precisely what needs to be cut.

Sometimes we feel like life is “cutting” us unnecessarily; like the pain we experience is arbitrary. But behind those cuts, there’s a Master Gardener who knows exactly what he’s doing.

THE MASTER GARDENER

Jesus teaches in John 15, "I am the true vine, and my Father is the vine dresser. Every branch in me that does not bear fruit, he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit."

“For reasons I cannot comprehend, the Lord has a plan for my life to bring glory to his name.

For reasons I cannot comprehend, the Lord has a plan for my life to bring glory to his name. He takes a wretched sinner like me, gives me a new heart, and then begins the life-long process of sanctification. He intends to use all his children to carry out the works he has prepared for us to do, for we are his workmanship (Eph. 2:10).

To be fruitful branches, we must abide in the Vine for sustenance, as Jesus teaches in John 15:4: "Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me." Those who abide in him bear much fruit (v. 5).

SIDE SHOOTS AND SUCKERS

However, like the side shoots and suckers that show up on my tomato plants, sin and unnecessary weight (Heb. 12:1) threatens to distract and keep us from abiding in Christ.

Satan is often at work to tempt us and throw us off-course, and all too often our gullible and sinful hearts are obliging. Once God-centered desires become me-centered. Actions done for the good of others slowly morph into opportunities for personal gain.

Slowly but surely, these extra growths begin to thrive and jeopardize the possibility of healthy fruit. Recognizing this danger, the Master Gardener gets his shears and begins to cut away.

WHEN THE LORD SETS HIS SHEARS

The pages of Scripture illustrate the Lord's pruning in the lives of his children:

• Abraham's faith was pruned through years of waiting for the promise.

• Although he thought he hid his sin well, David learned the joy that comes through confession and repentance when the Lord brought his sin to light.

• Through loss and hardship, Naomi saw firsthand the provision of the Lord that turned her bitterness into worship.

• Peter learned the unconditional love of the Master through his denial and restoration.

• The Lord kept Paul humble and dependent by giving him a thorn in the flesh and denying Paul’s requests to remove it.

During Jesus's earthly ministry, he didn't avoid potentially awkward conversations but rather spoke directly to the person's sin struggle with truth and grace. He knew exactly what needed to be pruned and masterfully made his cuts.

“Reading about such pruning in others in encouraging, but it’s not so enjoyable when the Master Gardener sets his shears to my heart.

Reading about such pruning in others in encouraging, but it's not so enjoyable when the Master Gardener sets his shears to my heart. Pruning hurts, and I'd much rather avoid it. I see the Lord pruning through the everyday challenges, and I feel the shears pressing in when the demands of life seem too much to bear. But it might be that these cuts are leading me to Christ.

When bank accounts are red, relationships feel like war, and expectations are tossed like paper plates after dinner, it may very well be the Lord snipping away. He's cutting out my impatience by putting me in situations I can't control. He's chipping away at my anger through children who don't always obey. Difficult people in my life are perhaps the very shears God is using to prune the unloving growths in my heart.

WHEN THE LORD KEEPS CLIPPING

Knowing that the Lord is using such difficulties to prune me provides long-term hope, but it sure is painful in the moment. There are times the Lord keeps clipping and I’m not sure how much more I can bear. I don't always see the beauty in the midst of it because being pruned often feels like you're under attack.

But I know an experienced gardener doesn't prune the plant to hurt it, but to help it flourish. Because I desire more tomatoes and larger onions, I make the necessary cuts now. Likewise, the fruit of the Spirit (Gal. 5) are brought about by the needed cuts of our Master Gardener.

“An experienced gardener doesn’t prune the plant to hurt it, but to help it flourish.

He's given us the Word to show us who he is and how he's at work in this world. He gives us the Holy Spirit to convict us of sin and lead us to holiness. He gives us the church to teach us and to lovingly confront the sin that we are blinded to. He put us in situations where we cannot rely on our own strength or wisdom, but solely on his. He's provided all we need for life and godliness.

At times, we can see the Lord at work and, even through the pain, understand the cuts he's making in our life. Other times, the Lord's pruning is beyond our understanding and mysterious to us.

THE PROOF IS IN THE PRUNING

Whether we understand or not, our call is to trust. We are not always aware of the unfruitful areas of our heart, but the Lord who knows the very hairs on our head also knows exactly where the pruning is needed. So he keeps cutting.

The beauty of it is that if the Lord continues to prune, then he hasn’t given up on us. How do we know? Well, the proof is in the pruning. Dead or fruitless plants are pulled up and thrown in the compost pile, not pruned. Each cut, though it hurts, is a reminder of the Lord's gracious work in our lives and the truth that he will continue the work he began in us (Phil. 1:6).

God is still working in his children to bear fruit for his glory; His cuts are not flippant and unnecessary, but precise and needed. The Master Gardener knows exactly what he is doing.

James Williams serves as  Associate Pastor at FBC Atlanta, TX. He is married to Jenny and they have three children and are actively involved in foster care. He is in the dissertation stage of a PhD in Systematic Theology. You can follow James on Twitter or his blog where he writes regularly.

Posted at: https://gcdiscipleship.com/article-feed/2019/6/5/when-the-lord-sets-his-shears-on-you

Do Not Regard God's Discipline Lightly

by Kristen Wetherell

I’ve never met a person who said that discipline was pleasant. Parents battle their kid’s temper tantrums with heavy hearts and tears, athletes break their bodies in order to build strength and train for victory, and reckless drivers receive expensive tickets so the roads are kept safe.

Discipline is often painful in the moment, but its rewards are great. This is what the writer of Hebrews was expressing when he cited Proverbs 3:11-12:

My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord,

nor be weary when reproved by him.

For the Lord disciplines the one he loves,

and chastises every son whom he receives. (Hebrews 12:5-6)

The Lord’s discipline is a means to our growth in holiness:

For [our earthly fathers] disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but [God] disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. (vv 10-11)

TRAINED BY DISCIPLINE

We are not to regard lightly the discipline God ordains for us; we are to be trained by it. What does this mean? To regard something lightly is to belittle its significance and pass over its intention, to ignore that its purpose is meant to be examined, taken to heart, and leveraged as an instrument for growth. So, to be trained by discipline is to give weight to it, to consider its value, and to ask, “Lord, how would you have me grow through this painful circumstance in order that I would bear your image more fully?”

One of the most frustrating measures of discipline the Lord has exercised in my own life is the painful experience of sleeplessness. Unable to stop my mind from running, I occasionally lay awake for hours on random nights, anticipating the difficulty of the following day and dreading how much exertion it will take to peel myself out of bed in the morning, let alone work and serve effectively hour to hour.

For others, the Lord’s discipline comes in different forms, but it has the same purpose: that we would be trained by it, regarding it with weight, that we may share in God’s holiness with peace.

One important truth we should note is that God’s discipline is not the same as his judgment. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1). The resurrection and ascension of the Son is God’s final stamp of approval over his sacrifice for our sin, and this acceptance stands for all those who put their faith in Christ as their sin-bearing Savior and Lord. The cross of Christ is our assurance that there is no longer any judgment for sin for those who have been covered by the righteousness of Jesus. It is our assurance that all discipline is a carefully ordained measure of God’s love being poured out for us.

Believer, how might the Lord be disciplining you right now? What recent experiences have been painful for you, rather than pleasant? When have you been tempted to grow weary from the exercise of God’s loving, but strict, parenting?

Let’s regard the Lord’s discipline, not lightly, but with humbly submissive attitudes and searching thoughts, with the desire to bear the peaceful fruit of righteousness as we are conformed to the image of Christ. Train yourself to ask the following questions:

“WHAT IS GOD TEACHING ME ABOUT HIMSELF?”

Often, when God disciplines his children, he is training us to take our eyes off ourselves — our own strength, plans, and desires — and to fix them on his character.

Behold, God is my salvation;

I will trust, and will not be afraid;

for the Lord God is my strength and my song,

and he has become my salvation. (Isaiah 12:2)

When circumstances are running smoothly and our own plans are being fulfilled, it is easy to forget the Lord and all he has done in the gospel. God’s discipline gives us a glorious opportunity to mine the depths of his person and work, though we will never understand him completely until we are with him. When we search out his character, we are reminded of his strength, his praiseworthiness, and his salvation. We are reminded that Christ is indeed sufficient for us and all of our weaknesses.

“WHAT IS GOD TEACHING ME ABOUT MYSELF?”

God’s loving discipline often intends to wake us up from the sleep of selfishness and independence that comes so naturally to our flesh. Our attitude of submission can easily turn into presumption when we take our eyes off the character of God and assume that his agenda should be the same as ours.

But, when we are faced with trials and testing, the desires of our hearts are exposed. God uses discipline to weed out that which is earthly within us — our pride, fears, idolatry, and presumptions — in order that we might confess sin, repent of it, and share in his holiness. God in Christ is faithful to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

In Psalm 118, the singer has been awakened through discipline to his sin-bent propensity to rely on earthly things and human ability. He then says,

It is better to take refuge in the Lord

than to trust in man.

It is better to take refuge in the Lord

than to trust in princes. (Psalm 118:8-9)

Through discipline, our loving Father might be teaching us that our trust has been misplaced and that he is the only One who can truly satisfy us. The significance of the cross is magnified, as we realize anew that Christ bore all of our sins in his body on the tree, that we might be free of them and conformed to his image.

“HOW MIGHT GOD BE USING DISCIPLINE TO CONFORM ME TO HIS IMAGE?”

If God’s purpose in discipline is that we might share in his holiness, then we can trust that everything coming from the Lord’s hand is for our good. We can rest in his promise that, in Christ, he is for us, and not against us (Romans 8:32) and, therefore, that even the most severe discipline is rooted in God’s great and steadfast love for his children.

I shall not die, but I shall live,

and recount the deeds of the Lord.

The Lord has disciplined me severely,

but he has not given me over to death. (Psalm 118:17-18)

“HOW MIGHT GOD USE THIS AS A TESTIMONY TO OTHER PEOPLE?”

The way that we respond to the Lord’s discipline is an chance to give a reason for the hope that we have in Christ our Lord. Our natural inclination towards discipline is to grumble and complain, grow bitter and angry, and rely on our own strength. But when the children of God trust that his discipline is loving and for our good, we will respond in trust, peace, and with a deeper hunger to know God through his Word.

This does not mean that we necessarily enjoy our present trials; discipline is rarely a pleasant experience. However, we testify to a greater hope when we lean into our training in righteousness, rather than merely trying to escape it or fight against it. We become living, breathing proof that our eyes are fixed on another world, an eternity with Christ forever.

DISCIPLINE LEADS TO LIFE

This has been difficult to write. While I know all of this is true, my flesh still rebels when discipline comes from God’s hand. I am prone to anger and discouragement, rather than deep trust, joy, and peace in knowing that God is for me and is training me.

Thank God for his grace shown in Christ, for even when our faith fails, God is greater than our hearts! We can confess our sin and weakness and ask him for the faith to submit to whatever discipline he brings for our good. And that is one prayer he loves to answer.

The Lord may discipline us severely, but it will not end in death. It will yield the peaceful fruit of righteousness for those who have not regarded it lightly but have been trained by it.

WHAT IS GOD TEACHING YOU ABOUT HIMSELF, YOUR OWN HEART, AND HOW HE MIGHT BE GROWING YOU?

Editor's Note: This originally published at Unlocking the Bible, and then again at Kristen Wetherell's site. 

Kristen Wetherell

Kristen Wetherell is a writer, Bible teacher, and the content manager of Unlocking the Bible. Her writing has been published on TGC, Crosswalk, and iBelieve and featured at Challies.com. She is married to Brad, loves traveling, and writes music in her spare time. Connect with Kristen at her website or on Twitter @KLWetherell.

I Don't Like Correction

Article by Jay Younts

 don’t like correction. There I said it. I like to be right. More importantly, I like it even more when you think I am right. 

By admitting these things I have also shown a propensity for stupidity. This is but another reminder of the danger of being wise in my own eyes. If I care most about being right, I care most about myself. This desire to be right is destructive to relationships, especially relationships in families. This is not wisdom but stupidity. 

If I am to learn, I must first love discipline and rebuke. When I recoil at the correction and rebuke of those closest to me, I make myself weak. Instead of trying to find a way to challenge a rebuke, God wants me to first learn from that rebuke. Why is my child or my spouse angry with me? It is easy to say that they are wrong. It is harder to say, what is my part in this. Am I really stupid enough to think that my actions are so wise, loving and perfect, so that no one could be hurt or offended by my words or actions?

Learning from a correction or a rebuke, even if it is out of place, means that I care more about serving God and others than I do about myself. That is a good thing. 

Being defensive is stupid, it means I have noting to learn. The reality is that I have more to learn than I can ever imagine! If those whom you love have a hard time talking with you, perhaps the problem may have more to do with you than with them. Become wise and learn to love a rebuke.

Think about it.

To learn, you must love discipline;
it is stupid to hate correction. (Proverbs 12:1)

Posted at: https://www.shepherdpress.com/i-dont-like-correction-2/?fbclid=IwAR1yZWLxIgpb0-H3ehVAzPy8Q0PhYjuxQv1deQA_mC5kkC1DIgXcQ6kOQKY

A Destructive Daily Habit

Article by Rush Witt

Living a just and holy life requires one to be capable of an objective and impartial evaluation of things. - St. Augustine (354–430)

There is a giant problem in East Africa: snails. Lissachatina fulica, giant African land snails, originated in Kenya and have traversed as far as Asia and the Caribbean. They can wreak major havoc. In fact, in the United States, it’s illegal to possess one of these little critters. Illegal!!

Though they seem weak compared to other wildlife (at their adult height, they are slightly taller than a tennis ball),[1] these African snails live long, reproduce quickly, and perpetrate their evil work under the cover of darkness. Creeping in unnoticed, they devastate crops, forests, coastal areas, and cities. They also carry an insidious disease that is deadly to humans. In vain, hunters have levied against them all manner of quarantine, chemical warfare, and predatory creatures. Even flamethrowers were no use.

Diehard snails! How can such a small creature cause such a widespread problem? It takes only a little time and a little neglect.

Diehard Sins

This post is about sins. Not the ugly, notorious sins we have come to know and hate. But the little, daily sins. The snail-sized sin habits that slither undetected in the shadows, beneath a fire-resistant shell, and eat up our lives from the inside out. This book is about the sins that nag us, resist our spiritual treatments, and persist beyond all our measures to contain them. The subtle sins. The respectable and acceptable sins. The resilient and relentless sins. The diehard sins.

In spy novels, the silent assassin learns to live incognito, waiting and plotting his deadly deeds. Our sins can be very much like that. We hustle through life while they escape our notice and fester just beneath our noses. Either we don’t recognize them as sins because they’re commonplace in our lives or cultures, or we know that they’re sinful but have given up on changing them. With the passage of time, we accept them as a disappointing, natural part of life. These sins are hard to fight because they are concealed from us.

Puritan pastor John Owen provides this ominous warning: “Be killing sin or it will be killing you."[2] For many Christians, the sins that “will be killing” us are not the million-dollar sins like murder or rape. We often have sufficient reason to avoid them. Rather, the hidden faults that fly under the radar—at the lower altitudes of our hearts—are the sins that cause us the most trouble. If we are not alert, we practice them day by day and they burrow into our lives like lice. And once they are settled in, extermination becomes all the more difficult.

I have known people with a deadly peanut allergy. Even a whiff of peanut butter constricts their airways and immediately endangers their lives. The most serious allergies don’t even allow the sufferer enough time to reach a doctor for help, meaning that the person must remain ever ready to jab himself with a shot of medicine in order to reverse the violent reaction. The fight against sin carries a similar quality. We depend on pastors, counselors, and other Christian friends to give us wise counsel. But we also need a growing ability to minister the Word of God to our own souls. Immeasurable hope and help await you as you learn to kill the diehard sins that plague you, because, no matter how deep your sin struggle runs, there is hope through Christ and His Word.

The Gift That Keeps on Giving

Newspapers of the 1920s offered readers “the gift that keeps on giving”: the Victor Micro-synchronous Radio Console with Electrola. Happy families tuned in to the Victor- Radio every night, and their delight continued on and on. Although I was not aware of it at the time, the Lord gave my wife and me a gift much like this. (No, it wasn’t a radio.) Two years into our marriage, during an exceptionally hard time, He called us to biblical counseling through the care of a faithful pastor.

Despite growing up in a faithful Christian family, my wife had walked a dark path. Amid life-dominating despair and recurring panic attacks, she had twice attempted suicide. She had been hospitalized in prominent psychiatric wards and had received nearly every psychiatric treatment available, including electroconvulsive therapy (an option of last resort). Soon after our marriage, we moved seven hundred miles from home in order to go to seminary—two broken people who were intimately acquainted, yet disappointed, with the full gamut of psychiatric help—and there we heard for the first time about the grace of Christ and the sufficiency of His Word for the care and cure of sinful, suffering souls like ours.

We were confused, amazed, and panicked all at once. This was very new to us. The next few weeks of class were especially eye-opening and challenging. We faced new truths about the nature of our persistent problems. These truths were hard to hear, and we didn’t immediately respond well. But by God’s grace, we scraped together what little courage we had and reached out to the professor of the class for help: “We’ve never heard any of this before, and we really need to talk to you.” He abounded with generosity and understanding. The next Friday we entered a simple yet life-changing season of gospel-centered, grace-driven biblical counseling.

There were good days and bad days. Sometimes the truth was a sweet salve for our souls; other times we spewed our medicine and stomped off in disgust. In small, hesitant steps, we found hope, help, and lasting biblical change. The colors of our world became brighter as God’s truth renewed our minds. The fingers of depression and anxiety that had relentlessly gripped my dear wife (and me too at times) were pried away. The process of change was sometimes unpleasant and often slow—but, looking back, we wouldn’t wish it any other way. Through it, we received lasting benefits.

The transformation God worked in my wife and me through biblical counseling compelled me to discover ways to instill Christ-centered hope in the lives of others. With each step toward becoming more competent in the care of others, I became a more competent counselor of myself. The Scriptures rang true: all the trials and temptations addressed in my counseling were common to man—common even to me (see 1 Cor. 10:13). In every case, I gave the people who I counseled the same comprehensive counsel of God’s Word that I myself needed. And I counseled myself in the same ways. The gift of biblical counseling that I received many years ago has kept on giving to me, helping me in my own walk with Christ.

The Three-Part Plan

My method of caring for others through counseling and discipleship is simple. When ministering to another person, I use a three-fold plan: enter his world, understand his need, and then bring Christ and His answers to the person.[3] It is by no means simplistic, but it is simple. As you will see in this post, I have adapted this method of ministry to others and presented it as a tool for fighting sin and caring for our own souls day by day. With practice, it has become second nature to me, and I hope it will become second nature to you too.

1. Enter with joy into your struggle against destructive daily habits,

2. understand your real needs in the fight, and then

3. bring Christ and His provisions to bear on your beliefs and desires.

The three steps of the plan are specifically drawn from Matthew 9:35–36, but they more broadly represent Jesus’s entire ministry. In an unassuming passage of his gospel, Matthew gives a glimpse of Jesus’s normal mode of ministry.

Jesus was going through all the cities and villages, teaching in their synagogues and proclaiming the gospel of the kingdom, and healing every kind of disease and every kind of sickness. Seeing the people, He felt compassion for them, because they were distressed and dispirited like sheep without a shepherd. (Matt. 9:35–36)

On a mission of love, Jesus entered our world by His incarnation and even walked our streets. He would actively traverse the cities and villages. Jesus routinely spent time with people and entered into the dark and difficult experiences of life. The Lord of glory did not remain in His regal, heavenly home; rather, He condescended into our fallen world—born in a manger, living in poverty, and working with His hands. Though sinless, He was tempted as we are and suffered a cruel atoning death. Many people may love me, but none would stoop down in such a magnificent way for me. Jesus entered my world and yours.

As one of us, Jesus understands our true needs. Every thoughtful person has some sense of our common spiritual problem. Every person knows that there is a God “with whom we have to do” (Heb. 4:13; see also Rom. 1:21). But the blinding influence of sin hides the true nature of our need from view. In the light of a doctor’s knowledge, a patient’s crude self-diagnosis falls flat. Our Great Physician understands our need. When Jesus went through the villages, He understood the people He encountered. He saw their sinful, distressed, and broken spirits. He saw sheep in need of a shepherd.

What is so impressive about a shepherd? A shepherd understands his sheep. As in Psalm 23, the divine Shepherd knows the whereabouts of His sheep, the dangers they face, the nourishment they lack, and the restoring care they need. The Lord understands the people into whose world He enters.

Not only that, Jesus brings His provisions and resources. By His perfect knowledge, understanding, and wisdom, He not only cared for people’s broken, diseased bodies but also brought help for their souls. Jesus counseled the people who He met in the cities and villages. He taught them biblical truth in their synagogues, and He ministered the good news of His kingdom to their souls.

Ultimately, He brought the people Himself. In the synagogue or on the street corner or house-to-house, Jesus and His disciples didn’t present a program or tool for changing lives. Jesus didn’t create an app for fixing life problems. He brought Himself—His perfect person, His unstoppable power, His eternal promises and purposes. Jesus entered our world, understood our need, and brought to us His power and grace.

Editor's Note: This is an excerpt from Witt's book, Diehard Sins.

Notes

1. ^ “Giant African Snail,” USDA APHIS, last modified June 4, 2018, https:// www.aphis.usda.gov/aphis/ourfocus/planthealth/plant-pest-and-disease-programs /pests-and-diseases/giant-african-snail/ct_giant_african_snail_home.

2. ^ John Owen, The Mortification of Sin (1656; repr., London: Banner of Truth, 2004), 5.

3. ^ I learned this approach to ministry from my mentor, Robert Jones. He applies it to counseling others; I am adapting it for personal growth. If you skipped over the foreword that he wrote for this book, please read it. 

Rush Witt

Rush Witt is lead pastor of Paramount Church in Bexley, Ohio, and author of A Strategy for Incorporating Biblical Counseling in North American Church Plants. Along with his pastoral responsibilities, he works as Acquisitions Editor for P&R Publishing and as Chaplain for the Bexley Police Department. Rush is a certified biblical counselor with the Association of Certified Biblical Counselors. Rush has an MDiv and DMin from Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary. Rush and his wife Kathryn have five children. 

Posted at: https://ftc.co/resource-library/blog-entries/a-destructive-daily-problem

The Ultimate X-Ray

Article by Paul David Tripp

Have you ever had the painful experience of breaking a bone? Perhaps even more distressing is having to watch a young child break a bone.

As somewhat educated human beings, we’re able to understand why our bodies ache and what the doctors are trying to accomplish. Even if we don’t have a medical degree, we have a foundational awareness of the healing process.

For a young child, however, the physical pain might compound itself with the pain of confusion and unfamiliarity. “Why does my body feel this way? How long will this pain last? What is this machine they’re putting me through? Why are they putting a hard cast on my body?”

In the same way, many of us struggle with confusion and unfamiliarity when we experience spiritual pain. Regardless of age or length of time walking with the Lord, recognizing, accepting, and then rejoicing over uncomfortable, violent grace is unnatural.

What is uncomfortable, violent grace? David writes about it in Psalm 51:8 - “Let the bones that you have broken rejoice.” It’s a curious phrase. Crushed bones and rejoicing don’t seem to go together. We surely don’t celebrate when we break our bodies.

But David is using the agony of broken bones as a metaphor for the anguish of heart he feels when he sees his sin for what it is. That uncomfortable, violent pain is a good thing.

The physical ache of an actual broken bone is worth being thankful for because it’s a warning sign something is wrong in that arm or leg. In the same way, God’s loving hammer of conviction is meant to break your heart, and the pain of heart you feel is intended to alert you to the fact that something is spiritually wrong inside you. Like the warning signal of physical pain, the rescuing and restoring pain of convicting grace is a thing worth celebrating.

We all have a stubborn capacity to be comfortable with what God says is wrong, so God blesses us with uncomfortable, violent grace. Yes, he loves us enough to crush us, so that we would feel the pain of our sin and run to him for forgiveness and deliverance.

Just like young children need to be taught about the anatomy of their body, the role of a doctor, and the purpose of an X-ray when they have broken a bone, we would do well to remind ourselves of the theology of uncomfortable, violent grace.

Our relationship with the Lord is never anything other than a relationship of grace. It’s grace that brought us into his family, it’s grace that keeps us in it, and it’s grace that will continue us in it forever.

But the grace God lavishes is not always comfortable.

God’s grace isn’t always comfortable because he isn’t primarily working on our comfort; he’s working on our character. With loving violence, he will crush us because he loves us and is committed to our restoration, deliverance, and refinement.

That’s something worth celebrating.

God bless

Paul David Tripp

Reflection Questions

1. Are you allowing yourself to grow comfortable with something that God says is wrong? What justifications are you making in your heart or mind to permit yourself to be okay with that sin?
2. What evidence can you find - both in the Bible and from everyday life - to remind yourself that staying inside God’s wise boundaries is the safest place to be?
3. Is there a place in your life where you have been tempted to doubt God’s love because you are experiencing the pain of his rescuing and restoring grace? Why should you thank him for uncomfortable, violent grace?
4. How can you lovingly and graciously remind others of God’s uncomfortable, violent grace that rescues us from us?

Article posted at pauldavidtripp.com

How to Ruin Your Life in Your Twenties

Article by Jonathan Pokluda, Pastor, Dallas, Texas

No one ever plans to ruin his life. Nobody makes failure a goal, or a New Year’s resolution, or an integral part of his five-year plan. Kids don’t dream about growing up to be an alcoholic; students don’t go to class to learn how to be bankrupt; brides and grooms don’t go to the altar expecting their marriage to fail.

But ruined lives do happen — far too often. And they happen because of the choices we make. Many of our most influential choices take place when we are relatively young — old enough to be making important decisions, but young enough for those decisions to have disastrous consequences. In other words, these are choices of young adults.

How can we avoid making such mistakes? We can start by listening to God’s wisdom through King Solomon. Although Solomon faced major challenges later in his life because he stopped taking his own advice, he was one of the wisest men who ever lived, and God has preserved some of his best counsel in the book of Proverbs.

Below are seven ways you can ruin your life while still in your twenties — based on the opposite of Solomon’s counsel — along with a resolution for what to do instead.

1. Do whatever you want.

This was the biggest lie I believed in my twenties. I thought I could do what I wanted and get away with it. I thought, I’m young, and I’m not hurting anyone. But I’ve since learned otherwise.

Right now, you are in the process of becoming what you will be one day. You are preparing either to be a great spouse, parent, employee, and friend, or to be the opposite of that. Everything you do now will lead you down one of those paths.

The simple believes everything, but the prudent gives thought to his steps. (Proverbs 14:15)

Resolution: Do what God would have you do.

2. Live outside your means.

I live in the city that practically invented the term $30k millionaire. But when you spend more than you can afford, you still have to pay for it — plus interest. By living “the good life” now, you ensure you’ll be living the bad life of debt payments, downsizing, and financial worries in your future decades. Many people today are still paying for experiences that happened many years ago, long after the “instant gratification” has been forgotten.

Resolution: Live below your means.

3. Feed an addiction.

Whether it is alcohol, money, drugs, pornography, shopping, or another attraction, most people have an addiction of some kind. These addictions bring death: either literal death, or death to relationships, freedom, and joy.

How do addictions happen? You feed them. When you feed something, it grows. The more you feed an addiction, the stronger it grows, and the harder it is to stop. Wisdom is stopping now, not later. It only gets harder and harder after each “one last time.”

The righteousness of the upright delivers them, but the treacherous are taken captive by their lust. (Proverbs 11:6)

Resolution: Starve your addictions.

4. Run with fools.

Fact: you are becoming, in some real sense, who you hang around. It’s been said you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. You do what they do (because you’re doing it together), you pick up on their ideas and beliefs, and you even learn their mannerisms and language.

So, if you hang around fools, you will become one. But if you hang around wise people, who are committed to following Christ and to making a difference with their lives, then you’ll become wise.

Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm. (Proverbs 13:20)

Resolution: Walk with the wise.

5. Believe this life is all about you.

You are one of nearly 7.6 billion people alive currently, and though you arespecial, so is each of the other 7,600,000,000 people in the world — and the billions and billions who have come before but are now long dead and forgotten. You are not the star of this show. You have a cameo that very few people will see and that will be forgotten as soon as the screen changes.

People who become the biggest reality in their world are dysfunctional. They always end up either disappointed or delusional. And when they leave this life, their world disappears; they don’t actually leave any deep impact. If you want to be important and make a difference, live for God and serve others with your life. Jesus was our greatest example of this. He served us by willingly dying for our sins on the cross. The most powerful person who has ever lived used his power to serve (Mark 10:45; Philippians 2:5–8). And by dying, he rescued us from sin and bought the power we need to serve others with our life.

People who become the biggest reality in their world are dysfunctional. They always end up either disappointed or delusional. And when they leave this life, their world disappears; they don’t actually leave any deep impact. If you want to be important and make a difference, live for God.

Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall. (Proverbs 16:18)

Resolution: Serve others with your life.

6. Live for immediate gratification.

Almost nothing truly worthwhile comes quickly. It takes time and discipline to become an Olympic athlete (or to simply get in shape), to get a degree, to become a CPA, or to become a good husband or wife. And many of the things you truly want long term can be derailed by indulging yourself in the moment. Do you want an amazing marriage, or just one amazing night? Do you want to retire in 36 years, or drive a luxury car for the next 36 months? In each case, choosing the latter makes it more difficult (or impossible) to have the former.

Precious treasure and oil are in a wise man’s dwelling, but a foolish man devours it. (Proverbs 21:20)

Resolution: Hold out for God’s best.

7. Avoid accountability.

We all have the tendency to screw up, or be blind to our own failings, or convince ourselves that we can change on our own, even though it’s never worked in the past. That’s why God created us to live in community with others: so we can encourage each other, point out blind spots, and have help in times of weakness.

Are you running to community and accountability, or running away from it? The reason people avoid accountability is that they don’t want to be corrected, even though that means they will continue to do what is ruining their life. If you really want to change, and really want to put God first every day, then do one simple thing as a first step: find Christ-centered community.

Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates reproof is stupid. (Proverbs 12:1)

Resolution: Do not do any of this alone.

Who You Become Tomorrow

People don’t resolve to ruin their lives. We hope to be great employees or business owners. We hope to be great moms, dads, husbands, or wives. We hope to be successful and contribute to society. We hope to be faithful in our walk with Jesus. But all faithful walks start with small faithful steps. Great mature adults are created through the faithfulness of young adults.

You are becoming something, and the resolutions you make and keep today will shape who you become tomorrow. Who do you want to be when you grow up? You will be that person much sooner than you think. What are you doing to become him today?

Jonathan Pokluda is the leader of The Porch, one of the teaching pastors at Watermark Community Church, and the author of the book Welcome to Adulting. He and his wife, Monica, live with their three children in Dallas.

Article posted at: https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/how-to-ruin-your-life-in-your-twenties

Time to Stop Praying and Reading, and Start Doing

Article by Rick Thomas

It is easier to talk theology than to live it. It’s easier to talk about your problems than to do something about them. Sometimes it’s wise to put the Bible down, get up from praying and start living what you know.

“But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves” (James 1:22).

Mandy has been in a Bible study for eleven consecutive years. She loves her Bible study. It is the third Tuesday of each month from 7:00 to 8:30 p.m. Mandy shows up at 7:00 sharp and promptly leaves at the last “amen.” Mandy also has a dysfunctional marriage, fifteen years running.

Mark reads his Bible from cover to cover every year. Bible reading has been his passion and conviction for the past nine years. He also rarely misses his morning prayer time. Mark is married to Mandy.

As a couple, they are hitting all the Christian marks. They attend their local church meeting every Sunday, nearly without exception. They are involved in their gender groups. They are consistent in the spiritual disciplines, but their marriage has gone from rocky to rockier.

There is something wrong with their Christian game plan. It is not working. Mark and Mandy are learning but not transforming. They talk at length about their latest study or how thankful they are to be part of a local body that provides so much, but the divide between them continues to grow.

The Best Defense Is a Good Offense

“So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin” (James 4:17).

After asking a few insightful questions to Mandy, it became apparent that one of the reasons she liked her structured Bible study was because it allowed her to show up, sit down, soak in, and quickly leave as soon as it ended. The structure of the Bible study did not challenge her by asking questions that probed the real condition of her life and marriage. It was mostly a sit and soak session that required little from her. She liked it that way.

Her biggest challenge was navigating the spontaneity of the break time without being engaged about the personal things in her life or marriage. Attending Bible study was her way of being in control while tacitly participating in Christianity but not being exposed or challenged. She had a false intimacy with God and her friends.

Mark accomplished similar things, though he went about it another way. Mandy would be private in a group setting, while Mark did his devotions in a private setting. Their best defense was being on the spiritual-discipline-offensive. They were hiding in plain sight.

Their stellar attendance and consistent disciplines moved them to the head of the class, but their lives were not transforming. Their marriage is inching toward increasing dysfunction, and now that their children are in the early teen years, it is affecting the whole family.

The tenor of the home has the feel of smoldering anger. Everyone “gets along” though everyone knows it’s a fake perseverance at best. Mark and Mandy figured out how to coexist in the Christian world while maintaining ongoing displeasure with each other.

This fictional story is not fictional with untold millions of professing Christians. They are involved in all the right Christian things, but Christianity is not intruding their lives in such a way that is transformational.

In most cases like this, no one ever learns the real story, not until something blows up in the marriage or with the children. When this happens, someone calls the Christian medics while the onlookers are scratching their heads, wondering how this could happen to such a stellar couple.

Discipleship Hindrances

“Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling” (Philippians 2:12b).

There could be many reasons for what is wrong with Mark and Mandy. Their story is certainly not an anomaly. I have counseled many couples like this and have discovered a few common denominators. Here are two of them.

No Transparency – The most obvious hindrance is they did not want to be exposed. Being transparent may be one of the hardest things for a Christian to do. Sometimes a lack of transparency is born out of a fear of being hurt or slandered.

Though it is a legitimate fear, it is one that denies the power of the gospel. The fearful person who resists transparency has not appropriately dealt with this question: Is God’s opinion of you more controlling than any other person’s opinion of you?

If God’s opinion has more control over you, then you will be less likely to hide, even with the possibility of being hurt by others. That is the power of the gospel working in a person’s heart.

Another reason for a lack of transparency is because the person is hiding some sin. Sinful living can only thrive in inhabited darkness. Nobody can serve two masters; one will have dominion over the other (Matthew 6:24). When you couple hidden sin with a fear of being exposed, you can guarantee the person will not come clean or find help. Christian disciplines will not help this kind of person, though it can provide a cover for him to operate.

Discipleship can only happen when a person is willing to be completely honest about his life. This kind of discipleship occurs in the contexts of honesty and transparency. Without these two things, a Christian is not growing but going through the motions.

Ignorance – It is possible that Mark and Mandy do not know how to disciple each other. You may be surprised to know the most common answer I hear when I ask a husband how he disciples his wife is, “I don’t know how to do that.”

If they give an answer at all, it is usually along the lines of doing devotions, praying together, or going through a book. While those things could supplement any relationship, they should not be the centerpiece of a relationship.

When books, devotions, and prayer time supplant redemptive communication, the community will deteriorate. It is rare for me to counsel a couple who has not read more than one book on marriage.

It is also rare for me to counsel someone who does not have a working knowledge of the Bible. Books, Bibles, and prayer are almost always part of what a couple has tried to rejuvenate their marriage, only to be disappointed because those things did not work. If I were to counsel Mark and Mandy, I would hyperbolically tell them something along these lines:

I want you both to stop reading your Bible, stop reading all those books, stop praying, stop doing your devotions, and start talking to each other. It’s radical, I know. You both know enough about the Bible to choke a Pharisee. You do not need more Bible knowledge, and your prayers are being hindered and rendered ineffective by God (1 Peter 3:7) because you are missing out on one of the most common-sense things you can do: talk to each other.

Knowledge Plus Application

“For though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you again the basic principles of the oracles of God. You need milk, not solid food, for everyone who lives on milk is unskilled in the word of righteousness, since he is a child. But solid food is for the mature, for those who have their powers of discernment trained by constant practice to distinguish good from evil” (Hebrews 5:12–14).

Mark and Mandy need to learn how to communicate with each other. They both are unique people, made by God, shaped by sinful means, and in need of someone coming alongside them to unpack them according to how sin has developed them and how God wants them to be.

For example, Mark needs to set aside all his Bible reading and praying and start exegeting another kind of book—his wife. He does not have a knowledge problem; he has an application problem. He could spend the next forty years reading his Bible and praying every day and still end up in divorce court. His Bible reading and prayer life will not help him until he gets in front of his wife and they begin talking honestly and openly.

One of the reasons churches offer so many Bible studies is because it is easier to tell someone what to do through a study than it is to get into the trenches of their lives where the sin is real, feisty, nasty, and complicated. Mark and Mandy need confronting, not more information about what the Bible teaches. They need some friends who can discern their lives and are willing to cut through the nonsense and help them.

Bible studies and prayer vigils will not do this. Those things are essential, but they are passive ways for sanctification to happen. They are part of how to mature in Christ, but if they are the only parts, Mark and Mandy will not grow in Christ. They will become smarter but not more sanctified.

I’m not dissing studying the Bible or praying. I am saying if you know the Word but are not practically engaging your relationships with the Word, you’re dishonoring God and hating your relationships. People can spend a lot of time praying and studying while their families spiral in dysfunction.

I make a living counseling biblically educated Christians. There is something wrong with that statement. It should not be that way. Christian transformation is knowledge plus application, not just knowledge alone.

How to Apply

If you are a person who is not maturing in Christ or if you are in a relationship that is not growing in Christ, here are two things for you to consider.

Are You Transparent?

Without making excuses for why you are not transparent, the question is, are you transparent? If you are not, you will not mature in Christ. The gospel has the power to transform you, but it will be impotent in your life if you are not willing to engage it the right way.

Part of the right way is for you to be engaged by the gospel in the context of community. If you are not willing to be transparent in your community or if you do not have a community that can know you the way you need to be known, you will hinder your growth in Christ.

Are You Hiding Something?

Counseling can be a lying profession. People lie to me all the time. I do not personally struggle with this, though I do sometimes wonder why someone would want to meet with me to talk about personal or marital problems and choose to lie.

If you want to change, you must be honest about what is going on in your life. You cannot reveal half the cards in your deck and expect anyone to speak intelligently into what you need to change. Transformation does not work that way.

Call to Action

If you are willing to be fully transparent and put all of your cards on the table, you are in the best place to change and grow, whether personally or within a relationship (providing the other person embraces your vision and expectation for transformation).

Two individuals who are open and honest with each other can spur one another on in their sanctification (Hebrews 10:25).

Discipleship happens this way. And from that excellent starting point, it is a matter of ongoing communication.

Let’s say my fictional characters, Mark and Mandy, are being practically animated by the gospel. They have nothing to hide and nothing to fear. They are for each other and want to be a means of grace in each other’s lives. If that is where they are, here are some excellent questions that will radicalize their lives and marriage.

You’re welcome to put your Bible down, walk out of your prayer closet, and engage your closest relationships with these questions too. Pick one and start talking:

1. What is God doing in your life? How are you succeeding, and how are you struggling?
2. What are some things I am doing that are helping you mature in Christ? How do I hinder you in your walk with the Lord?
3. What are some of your fears? What do those fears tempt you to do?
4. What is an ongoing struggle you have in your life? When did it begin? What have you been doing about it? How can I help you?
5. What is something you would like to control, but you cannot control, and you struggle with it?
6. In your opinion, how does God see you? I am not asking for a biblical answer but your answer.
7. In your opinion, how do others see you? Are there certain people with whom you struggle? Why do you struggle? What do you think the Lord wants to teach you? How can I help you with this?
8. What regrets do you have? What about guilt or shame related things?
9. What hinders our relationship, and how could I change to make it better?
10. What is something that I am not asking, but you think it would be helpful for me to ask?

Now close this blog and become a practical, active doer of God’s Word.

Article originally posted at:  https://rickthomas.net/stop-praying-stop-reading-your-bible-start-discipling/

Enough is Enough

Article by Jay Younts, Shepherds Press

Ephesians 4:31 & 32 are seldom used as parenting directives. This is unfortunate. There is a powerful dynamic of grace here to help shepherd your children towards Christ. Read these words slowly:

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

Because of the gospel grace shown to you, Paul is directing you to rid your thoughts and your speech of the angry words of relational combat. The deceitfulness of our flesh entices us to justify our anger. So when a child, a teenager, a spouse, or a friend wrongs or hurts you, you feel totally justified in letting them “have it.” We accommodate our outrage by thinking, “I know I shouldn’t be angry, but sometimes you just have to say enough is enough.”

This sort of language and rationalization will receive a hearty Amen from the Satanic cheering section and your wounded flesh. We think we have been strong, when in fact we have taken the coward’s way out and indulged in capitulation to methods of the enemy. We do what seems right at the moment.

Parents, God calls you to be shepherds, not enforcers. You may feel regret at your anger, but until you repent and embrace compassion and grace you will be aiding and abetting the enemy.

Letting someone “have it” is easy. It requires no courage, just pride, to let loose and give others what you believe they deserve. This is why grace is the most effective weapon in fighting for the spiritual lives of your children.

“Enough is enough” may feel like the right thing to say, but on what basis? How much is enough? Well, that is the problem. You are the one who makes the determination! What is enough today might not be enough tomorrow. Enough means when I think I have reached my limit. However, would you want God to say to you enough is enough?

Instead of reaching your limit, pray for grace to reach for God’s limit expressed in the fruit of his Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. The Holy Spirit will provide whatever grace is necessary to produce his fruit in your life.

Get rid the of anger that says. “enough is enough.” Paul calls you “to be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Don’t capitulate! Don’t give your enemy something to cheer about. Join the war of love waged with the power of grace and led by your King, Jesus Christ!

Article originally posted on Shepherd's Press:  https://www.shepherdpress.com/enough-is-enough/

Parenting a Difficult Child

Author: JULIE LOWE, a CCEF counselor and author.

Some of the most burdensome moments for a parent are when it is clear to those around you that your child is defiant or difficult. What are other people thinking? What does this say about me as a parent? They might assume your child’s behavior is a result of inadequate parenting or something else amiss in your home. People may even be bold enough to share their views, without any sense of the shame they are heaping upon you. Those of you with a difficult child understand. You feel marked, and even judged, by your child’s personal struggles. You hang your head around people who “know” about the problem. You assume they see you as a failure. If you were a good parent, surely your children would be well-behaved, love God, and have good manners. After all, their children are not so insubordinate.

If this is how you feel, you may have bought into the belief that good parents produce good children and bad parents produce bad children. At times, this seems downright biblical. If you raise a child in the way he should go, he won’t depart from it, right? So it follows that if you were godly enough, wise enough and patient enough, your child would not be so rebellious. It seems that the right formula is: love plus discipline plus godly instruction = “good” kids. And because, at times, the formula does seem to work, you determine the error must be in your parenting.

I’ve heard many a parent say, “We’ve exhausted all options, all approaches, all forms of consequences… and nothing worked. I tried being calm; I tried consistent discipline; I tried appealing to their conscience and praying with them and for them. Nothing helped. Nothing changed.” What the parent means is that it did not produce the desired behavior change or a visible heart change. The assumption is that, once again, the formula was applied, and it proved useless.

But this is a faulty, unbiblical approach. Good kids come out of horrific family backgrounds, and rebellious, willful kids come out of good, Christian homes. Children do not come to us as blank slates, but with their own personalities, strengths, weakness, desires, and temptations towards particular sin. They are born with hearts that are wooed by their own desires, and they exercise volition to choose for themselves the type of person they will become. There is an active moral responder on the other end of your parenting—one who chooses whom they will serve. And there is no way a parent can ensure the outcome.

Of course, a parent does play a significant role in a child’s life, but don’t buy into the belief that assumes good parenting will produce well-behaved children. It incorrectly places all the ownership and blame on you. And the burden of it might tempt you to want to give up or resort to poor or ungodly parenting (anger, yelling, harshness, despair, backing down, or backing away completely) because it might appear to work in the short run.

What then are you to do? Let me suggest two things that might help.

First, evaluate your motivation. Though you are not responsible for your child’s bad choices, could it be that, without realizing it, you are adding to the problem? If you are frustrated, despairing, or angry because your child is difficult, you need to ask yourself: What standard do you judge yourself by? Whose agenda is dictating your parenting? Is it a worldly, self-centered agenda, or a Christ-centered one? You can desire good things that become driven by very bad motives. Do you care too much about your own comfort or reputation? Do you desire a well-behaved child with few problems, or struggles? Children that make you look good, that are productive, smart, and kind? Are you embittered because you have invested yourself in this child and see no results? If you can answer yes to any of these questions, consider confessing the desires that grip your heart. Ask God to give you the grace, fortitude, and wisdom to parent your challenging child. Ask him to show you how to respond to your child out of love and concern for his or her wellbeing, not your own.

Second, remind yourself of what God calls you to as a parent—no more, no less. He calls you to love your children, to model a Christ-like character and lifestyle, and to respond wisely and thoughtfully to their struggles. You are to foster a personal relationship with the living God, and, to the best of your ability, shape your child’s strengths and weaknesses in his image. Though God expects you to parent with consistent love and wisdom, he does not hold you responsible for results that are driven by the child’s sin or rebellion.

Stop “trying” to make things turn out a particular way and just do the hard work of godly parenting. Do not judge its effectiveness by your child’s response. Simply wrestle with this:

Is my parenting loving?
Is it consistent?
Is it wise?

That will be challenging enough. You will fail, be convicted, and need forgiveness on those fronts alone. The rest must be left to the work of the Spirit in a child’s life. You will find much freedom from judgement, less care for the opinions of others, more hope and less despair when you commit your parenting to the Lord. Let him do the rest. As Galatians 6:9 says, “Let us not grow weary of doing good.”

Originally posted at:  https://www.ccef.org/resources/blog/parenting-difficult-child