Fatherly Discipline

By Dale Johnson

Fatherhood is simultaneously an esteemed privilege and a daunting assignment. When your brand-new infant is placed in your arms for the first time, your heart is overwhelmed with joy. At the same time, the weight of responsibility can be crushing as you load your vulnerable baby in your car and into your care. This journey of fatherhood is one of navigating the balance between that overwhelming joy and fearful responsibility.

The picturesque perfection of that fragile child seems innocent enough, yet their hearts will bear weeds as sure as the summer garden. It’s hard to believe they are born sinners and will need the corrective oversight of a father. The real task of fathering, loving and corrective discipline, becomes more apparent once he begins totting around and his sinful nature plays peak-a-boo. Men may respond to this God-given responsibility in several different ways. Some men want to disengage from that responsibility, repeating a sinful pattern of manhood that began with Adam in the garden when he abdicated his responsibility to protect against evil. Other men, however, are eager to engage in the task of disciplining their children. For those men who choose engagement there are pitfalls that can hinder effective discipline. Let us first identify a biblical understanding of discipline before we discuss its potential snares.

The Call to Discipline

To my knowledge, the only negative command given to fathers in the New Testament is “do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” In Ephesians 6:4, Paul is warning fathers of a most pressing obstruction to the maturity of their children; provocation to anger. The path to maturity for a child is paved with godly discipline and instruction. Based on common practices, we often interpret this passage simply to mean we need to spank our kids and bring them to church. While church attendance is a priority, we must cease to consider it enough when it comes to instructing our children. Similarly, discipline is not limited to spanking, but rather embodies the idea of enculturation. Deuteronomy 6 prescribes fatherly teaching that consumes mundane daily life in order to instill a Godward orientation within the child. The child should be encouraged to think of all knowledge and life experiences with a keen view to God’s perspective. We are to train them to be wise according to the kingdom of God rather than the worldly wisdom with which we are so tainted. As J.C. Ryle reminds us, “The time is short, the fashion of this world passeth away. He that hath trained his children for heaven, rather than for earth, for God, rather than for man, he is the parent that will be called wise at last.” (Ryle, 9) Discipline encompasses the call of Deuteronomy 6 to be with our children and consistently point them toward a Godward orientation. Not only does this take intentional fatherly action, but we must also address several temptations that will hinder effective discipline.

Snares of Effective Discipline

Anger

Satisfied that you are at least trying to be involved, the flesh is religiously appeased when you engage your children out of anger. The evil one is best at tempting believers to do the right things in the wrong ways. Unfortunately, there are many ways to provoke a child to anger and many dangers as a result. Provoking a child to anger can sever the relational heart strings between father and child. The devastation of the distance this brings between the father and child is broken trust, often resulting in a child who is more likely to rebel against his father’s instructions rather than turning his ear toward his words. (Proverbs 4:20)

We are tempted to discipline out of anger when we want to impart truth to our children without grace. Sinfully, we often care more that our message is heard rather than understood. The child will tend toward conforming outwardly, but inwardly builds disdain toward parental authority and instruction. This may lead your child toward legalism, but not heart transformation.

The flip side of that coin is to discipline with extreme grace minus truth. This is a veiled hatred toward the child, choosing rather to keep him momentarily comfortable in his foolishness. Being ignorant of the truth and accustomed to following his own pleasures the child tends to rebel against God’s loving commands or instruction provided by those acting in authority over him. Either of these two pitfalls provoke a child to anger and hinder the effective discipline of their foolish hearts. (Proverbs 22:15)

Self-Delight

Our discipline is always out of delight, but is that delight in the child or in yourself? Discipline motivated by love demonstrates delight in the child (Proverbs 3:12). However, genuine fatherly concern for our children is often tainted by our selfish pride. A father may be tempted to discipline a child for getting in the way of his own selfish desires, rather than for a particular disobedience. When we discipline from delight in our own way we respond in anger toward our child for hindering our self-pleasure. Death to self dismantles the father’s flesh desires in order to discipline out of delight for the child’s well-being.

Self-Preservation

Ironically, a father’s use of anger to control or tame his child is a demonstration of his lack of self-control. That rotten fruit is born from the seed of self-preservation. In many cases we are trying to preserve our perception of ourselves as a wonderful father. As J.C. Ryle warns, “This is pre-eminently a point in which men can see the faults of their neighbours more clearly than their own.” (Ryle, The Duties of Parents, 2) We are often blind to our own faults in this area.

It is not unusual for children to act like children in public; they spill drinks at tables, throw tantrums with impeccable timing, and disobey when crowds are watching. Those moments unveil a glimpse into a reality with which we would rather not deal, so we dearly cling to faulty thoughts that we are nearly perfect parents and that our kids are reflections of that perfection. In order to preserve that deeply jaded view of ourselves we respond to our kids out of anger, not caring so much to correct their misbehavior, but rather to preserve a reputation of our imagination built out of pride.

Discipline Like the Father

I wish I had a more difficult time thinking of illustrations of my own failures as a father. But the truth of the matter is the struggle against our own flesh is a real and consistent battle. Thankfully, our Heavenly Father demonstrates loving discipline for earthly fathers. God gave himself for our good not to improve his own status, but to restore us. In the same way, our discipline is for the sake of the child and not primarily for the sake of the parent.

Discipline in Kindness

The wrath of God is not the primary motivation that leads us to true change. Understanding the wrath of God is critical to grasping the depth of God’s kindness in Christ. It is, however, God’s kindness that leads us to repentance (Romans 2:4). As a father, kindness toward our children shepherds true heart and mind change. Pervasive kindness keeps a child’s heart open to instruction (Proverbs 16:21).

Discipline in Love

How much must we hate our children to recognize a hindrance to their growth and remain silent? The consequences of a child’s disobedience are far worse if the parent sits by silently without pursuing correction. Because in the end the child’s character will be self-will, pride, and conceit.[1] We must engage as fathers, but we must engage with love. True biblical discipline is motivated by love for and delight in the child and not by anger (Proverbs 3:12).

Faithful fatherly discipline is possible only when the earthly father has been so disciplined from above. Mimic the heart of the Heavenly Father in his kindness and love toward you. Godly discipline seeks good for the child beyond the immediate moment. The love of God seeks us with truth to unveil our faults but demonstrates grace by seeking us when we go astray. Genuine love is expressed toward a child when truth is swaddled by grace. The truth reveals the brokenness of heart and grace seeks to restore and mature the child in wisdom. The purpose of discipline is to make your child wise unto God and delight in his ways. Discipline lovingly done takes immense sacrifice and self-denial. In the end, to discipline with love and sacrifice is to teach a child wisdom unto God, resulting in a glad heart for the father (Proverbs 15:20).

[1] Ryle, Duties of Parents, 21.

Posted at: https://biblicalcounseling.com/fatherly-discipline/

How to Exasperate Your Children

Erik Raymond

The reality of submitting your life to Jesus, and living under his authority has massive implications. When you become a Christian, all of your relationships are redefined by your relationship with Jesus.

In Ephesians 2-3, we see that people who had substantial personal differences because of the color of their skin or their country of origin were to be set aside in light of their shared relationship in Christ. Being a Christian takes priority. Now in God’s family, we are to be loving, gentle, forgiving, and gracious to one another. Later in Ephesians 5, marriage gets a facelift. A Christian marriage should look much different from other marriages in the world around us. This is because of the relationships the husband and wife have with Jesus.

But this isn’t all. Even the relationships between parents and children are different. They don’t march according to the drumbeat of the world around us but rather according to the tune of heaven. We salute the King, even in our parenting. When the gospel comes to the home, there are changes. God gives specific instructions for the family to reflect his authority. In verses 1-3, instructions for children. And in verse 4, instructions for parents.

Notice in verse 4 that it’s addressed to fathers. The word translated here as “fathers” is the common word for father. (Although, in Hebrews 11:23, it is used to describe both parents.) In light of the revolutionary and counter-cultural way Christian dads were to treat their kids, it is likely addressed to fathers to make the point about their accountability to God and the need for something different to take place.

He says, in Ephesians 6:4: “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

Pretty straight-forward, don’t do this, do that. In this article let’s think about what not to do. Do not provoke your children to anger. The word here translated “provoke” has the sense of exasperating, instigating, or inciting. It’s the idea of pushing the children’s buttons and getting under their skin. Calvin says parents mustn’t “irritate their children by unreasonable severity.” In a parallel passage in Colossians 3, we read, “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.”

Don’t exasperate your kids, lest you discourage them.

How can you exasperate your children? Here are 11 ways.

1. Bullying: Parents are generally bigger, stronger, and more intelligent than their kids. Combined with the authority of parenting, this could be wielded with harsh and intimidating words that greatly discourage children.

2. Showing favoritism: If parents favor one child over another discouragement is inevitable (think about Jacob and Esau).

3. Question their salvation every time they mess up: Saying, “Are you even a Christian?” when your kids do something wrong will reinforce the (erroneous) view that Christians never do anything wrong and that the gospel is not for them.

4. Unclear standards: Kids need to know and understand the standards they are being held to. If not, then they’ll be confused, surprised, and discouraged.

5. Unexplained discipline: Discipline requires instruction. Even in Ephesians 6:4, there is a don’t do this and a do this. There is a need to explain what is right and what is wrong.

6. Inconsistency: Parents need to be consistent with their kids. If something is wrong on Tuesday, it should be wrong on Thursday. Inconsistency sends mixed messages, and, when punished, they lose trust.

7. Excessive or unreasonable discipline: Just as there are levels of rebellion, there should be corresponding levels of discipline. Also, parents can’t discipline for every single thing that the child does that is wrong. (Otherwise, they would never stop correcting.) Be careful of punishing too often or excessively. Discipline should be reasonable.

8. Discipline out of anger: Parents who are out of control and losing their temper will hurt their children and discourage them. Think of how twisted it is to inflict harm in the name of love. It will also most certainly damage the child and the relationship. Be careful, parents. (Sometimes we may need a time out.)

9. Humiliation: Parents are seeking to build up their kids. If they are humiliating them (in public, in front of their siblings, or even one-on-one) with words or discipline, they will most certainly exasperate them.

10. Never admit you are wrong: Kids live with their parents. They see when they mess up. If the parent never admits they are wrong, especially when the offense is toward the child, then they will soon see through all of the Bible talk. Humility is required by parents who don’t want to exasperate their children.

11. Over-protection and smothering: Well-meaning overprotection can cause discouragement and resentment. Remember, kids are people who need to grow. Their wills should be shepherded, but they can’t be controlled absolutely.

I’m sure there are a dozen more ways to do this, but you get the idea. God loves children. And so Christian moms and dads should too. This means not exasperating them.

Posted at: https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/erik-raymond/how-to-exasperate-your-children-2/

7 Ways Parents Unfairly Provoke Their Children

by Tim Challies

Parents, do not provoke your children to anger lest they become discouraged, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” This single sentence combines the New Testament’s two most prominent passages on parenting and, as I said yesterday (see Fathers (and Mothers), Do Not Provoke Your Children!), offers a significant warning to parents: We can parent our children in such a way that we provoke them to anger and discouragement. There are times when we so provoke our children that anger is the fitting and inevitable response. Today I want to offer a few ways that we, as parents, may provoke our children to that kind of anger and discouragement.

Goodness instead of holiness. We may provoke our children to anger and discouragement when we teach them to be good instead of holy, when we care more for their good behavior than their holy hearts. We can too easily content ourselves with outwardly moral children instead of children who are inwardly holy. We can focus on bad behavior instead of the sinful heart that causes and enjoys that bad behavior. This will eventually provoke our children to anger and discouragement because they will see that we are calling them to a standard of behavior that is impossible, a standard they cannot reach until their hearts are first transformed. Not only that, but they will see the gap between what the Bible teaches and what we promote, and they will sink into angry despair. Parents, don’t content yourself with good kids but pray for holy kids, for children whose good behavior flows out of a transformed heart. Shepherd them with and to the gospel instead of badgering them with unfair and impossible demands.

We need to live before our children in such a way that we can say not only “Do what I say” but “Do what I do.”

Hypocrisy instead of authenticity. We can provoke our children to anger and discouragement when we live with hypocrisy instead of authenticity, when we hold ourselves to one standard but hold them to another one. When we allow this, our children will see that we have no firm standard and they will come to believe that the Christian faith only calls for change in the eyes of other people, not in the eyes of God. Yet God calls us to discipline and instruct our children by explanation and demonstration, by explaining with words and demonstrating with our lives. We need to live before our children in such a way that we can say not only “Do what I say” but “Do what I do.” We need to take our cues from the apostle Paul who could boldly tell others, “Be imitators of me as I am of Christ” (1 Corinthians 11:1). (See The Humblest Words.)

Doubt instead of confidence. We can provoke our children when we live in great doubt instead of great confidence in God’s desire to save them. There are all sorts of good things we want for our children, but nothing more than their salvation. Parents can live with crippling fear that God will not save our children, and this fear has consequences: We can become heavy-handed, demanding our children turn to Christ, or we can become manipulative, constantly begging or pleading with them to make a profession. Our children may then grow angry and discouraged because they will see their parents professing faith in a God who is sovereign and good but then acting as if God is neither one. God’s instruction to parents is to discipline and instruct our children with confidence that God loves to save the lost and that he saves them through the appointed means—the gospel. (See 1 Timothy 2:4 and What Gives God Pleasure.) As we expose our children to the gospel through our discipline and instruction, we can expect that the gospel will do its work. We need to raise our children to hear the gospel proclaimed and to see it lived out. All the while we need to trust that God will work through his gospel.

We need to wisely protect our children, but without fearfully sheltering them.

Fear instead of boldness. We may provoke our children when we raise them in fear instead of boldness. It is wise parenting to protect our children by holding back evil influences until they have developed and matured. But it is unwise parenting to so shelter our children that they never see and experience sin and its ugly consequences. Many parents make decisions about relationships or church or education or family involvement based on fear. But fear-based parenting provokes children because we create a fictional world, a bubble that does not reflect reality. Not only that, but we hide from our children the experience of seeing sin and its consequences, the undeniable reality that sin promises joy and life but brings sadness and death. While we need to boldly raise our children to be in but not of the world, we cannot do this by sheltering them entirely from the world. We need to wisely protect our children, but without fearfully sheltering them.

Anger instead of patience. We may provoke our children to anger and lead to their discouragement if we raise them with anger instead of patience. So many can testify that their parents used anger or the threat of anger as a means of correction and punishment. Discipline was not delivered with calmness and self-control but with angry slaps or cutting words. And of course this leads to anger. A parent’s anger leads to their child’s anger. How couldn’t it? But in this case the parent’s anger is unjust while the child’s anger is just. God expects that we will discipline and instruct our children with patience and kindness. This involves modeling the very actions, attitudes, and words we want them to display.

Aloofness instead of involvement. We may provoke our children when we raise them with aloofness instead of involvement. Too often we are involved in our kids’ lives only when there are problems. We have little real relationship with our children, but then come rushing in during times of danger, disobedience, or difficulty. The parents I most want to imitate are the ones who deliberately build friendships with their children, who have a vision of their grown children being their friends and Christian brothers or sisters, and who then work deliberately toward those goals. These parents give time and attention to their children while they are young, they raise them with kindness and discipline, and they do this by holding in mind the future relationship they long to have. Parents, we need to pursue and befriend our children. (See An Unexpected Blessing of Parenting.)

Pride instead of humility. We will undoubtedly provoke our children to anger and discouragement if we raise them in pride instead of humility. Every generation of Christians seems to have to rediscover the ugliness of pride and the beauty of humility. Every parent needs to discover it as well. Parental pride manifests itself in a hundred different ways, but perhaps never more clearly than in an unwillingness to seek our children’s forgiveness. Pride convinces us that apologizing to our children displays weakness, that it gives them power over us. Nothing could be further from the truth! Humility convinces us that apologizing to our children displays the greatest strength, that it models the very character of Christ. We will inevitably sin against our children so we need to humbly seek their forgiveness, trusting that while God opposes the proud he gives great grace to the humble (see James 4:6).

There are undoubtedly many more ways that we can sinfully, unjustly provoke our children. There are undoubtedly many more ways that we actually do. So we honor God and love our children by examining ourselves and our parenting to find our particular temptations. Where we find them we must confess and repent. And all the while we can have confidence that God chooses to display his strength through our weakness, his power through our inadequacy.

Posted at: https://www.challies.com/articles/7-ways-parents-unfairly-provoke-our-children/

Fathers (and Mothers), Do Not Provoke Your Children

By Tim Challies

It’s a word, it’s an idea, that I have wanted to explore for some time. Within the New Testament there are two clear instructions to parents and this word features prominently in both of them. It is the word provoke. Ephesians 6:4 says, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” while Colossians 3:21 echoes “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.” Risking the wrath of expositors everywhere, I created a mash-up of the two that reads like this: “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger lest they become discouraged, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” I’d like to suggest a number of ways that we, as parents, may sinfully, unjustly provoke our children. But before we do that, let’s walk through these two passages together.

Fathers. The first word in both passages is Fathers. While it is fathers who are addressed here, most commentators acknowledge that it is fair to see these instructions as being written to both parents. Greek society was patriarchal so Paul addressed the mothers through the fathers. We are on good ground allowing the verse to speak equally to both parents.

Do not provoke … to anger. Both passages contain the same exhortation: Do not provoke, though Ephesians adds to anger. Provoke is the kind of word you might use when you kindle a fire into flame—you begin with something small and provoke it into a roaring fire. Or from another angle, it is the kind of word you might use when you are getting your children all excited, chasing them around and tickling them until you provoke them to being all wound up. Here, of course, Paul is using it in a negative sense of stirring, exasperating, or irritating them toward anger or bitterness. Parents must not provoke their children to anger.

There are times when we so provoke our children, we so exasperate them, that anger is the fitting response.

I want to make an important application: Parents can cause their children to become angry and bitter. I’m sure you know this and I can assure you that they know this. But I think we can go even a step further to say there are times when our children are justified in their anger toward us. There are times when we so provoke our children, we so exasperate them, that anger is the fitting response. It may even be the right response if that anger is expressed in righteous ways. There may be times when your children’s anger toward you is more righteous than your actions or attitude toward them.

Next we read, lest they become discouraged. A discouraged child is one who has lost heart. He is so beaten down that he has lost hope, he has lost motivation, he doesn’t care anymore. One Bible translates it, “lest he get discouraged and quit trying.” The idea here is that you can so beat down your children that they stop trying to please you. Maybe your demands are arbitrary or unfair, maybe you never praise your children and take joy in them, maybe you live hypocritically before them with higher expectations for them than for yourself. Whatever the case, they eventually stop caring and stop trying. Douglas Moo says, “Paul does not want to see the children of Christian families disciplined to such an extent that they ‘lose heart’ and simply give up trying to please their parents.”

Putting it all together, God exhorts parents in this way: Parents, do not provoke your children to anger lest they become discouraged. On the heels of that exhortation he offers a solution: “But bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Do not beat down, but raise up. Do not provoke with impatience and injustice, but instead shepherd with nurture and tenderness, and do this through discipline and instruction.

These two words are key: discipline and instruction. Between them they offer words of training and correction, words of admonition and rebuke, words that express both the positive and the negative sides of leadership. You need to correct your children, sometimes with a look, sometimes with a word, sometimes with a timeout, and sometimes with a spank. That is the negative side of parenting. But positively, you also need to teach them, explaining to them what is right, demonstrating how they are to live. This little pair of words covers both the positive and the negative sides of learning and growing, helping our children go from folly to wisdom, from childishness to maturity, from self-centeredness to loving others, and, we trust, from sin to salvation.

Parents, do not provoke your children to anger lest they become discouraged, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. With all of this in place, we are prepared to look at how parents may sinfully, unjustly provoke their children to anger and discouragement. We will turn to that tomorrow. (See 7 Ways Parents Provoke Our Children)

Posted at: https://www.challies.com/articles/fathers-and-mothers-do-not-provoke-your-children/?fbclid=IwAR2z7znpbgEOamOoOEX46jfcvkdeohi_m0LebPOWvlUKGIIYS8ACi3c0Y1g