Look To God in Loneliness

Grace Pike

Last night I bid farewell to friends and made sure to check the lock as I closed the door behind them. In a matter of seconds, my apartment transformed from a cozy respite warm with laughter and piano music back into a plain living room with empty tea cups scattered about. I unceremoniously put the dishes in the sink and turned off the lights.

Alone again.

Not for the first time, and certainly not for the last. But in a world ridden with change and uncertainty, I suddenly found the weight of my solitude crushing. Even though this week prompted abundant meditation on the of grace of God in my life, my empty home reminded me yet again that being a follower of Christ does not make me exempt from loneliness.

One of my church members noted, “Many of us, by choice or circumstances or some odd blend of both, are facing a particularly poignant season of solitude.” Do you feel it?

As believers and unbelievers around the world prepare for the upcoming holiday season, there seems to be a unique heaviness resting on us all. For some, the reality that familiar faces will be missing from across the table this year has already brought tears. Others will work tirelessly away from their families to help patients on the brink of death. The more pensive among us feel the familiar, isolating melancholy that settles in every time Christmas lights start glistening.

The Lord sees and cares about the various trials we endure. More than that, he ordains them so the testing of our faith may produce steadfastness. Though we may not understand the purpose of these trials, we are promised by our good God that when steadfastness has its full effect, we will be “perfect and complete, lacking in nothing” (James 1:4). This promise does not mean our struggles will be easy.

Are you enduring the trial of loneliness?

In Life Together, Dietrich Bonhoeffer expresses why “the physical presence of other Christians is a source of incomparable joy and strength to the believer”:

The prisoner, the sick person, the Christian in exile sees in the companionship of a fellow Christian a physical sign of the gracious presence of the triune God.  Visitor and visited in loneliness recognize in each other the Christ who is present in the body; they receive and meet each other as one meets the Lord, in reverence, humility, and joy.  They receive each other’s benedictions as the benediction of the Lord Jesus Christ.

If you lack this kind of companionship, I implore you not to put on a smile and manufacture cheap happiness. Instead, dwell with the church as you are able and do not give up on connection with the Church if you are not able. Seek to bring the comfort of the gospel to the widow, the orphan, the sick, the refugee. Look to God’s Word to find language of lament. Search the Scriptures and read the praises of people who trusted the promises of God even through confusion and isolation.

I assure you, we can weep over the brokenness of loneliness without cheapening the sweetness of the presence of the Holy Spirit or the work of Christ to reconcile us to the Father.

God in His kindness made a way for us to have relationship with Himself, but He also designed us for relationship with each other. May we pray for and cherish this gift, giving it to others as God allows. And, regardless of our circumstances or feelings, may we cherish the truth that we will soon enough enjoy a glorious eternity of ceaseless communion with the King of Creation alongside brothers and sisters also singing His praise.

Grace Pike

Grace Pike serves as a Communications Specialist at Midwestern Baptist Theological Seminary—where she is pursuing a Master of Divinity. She holds a BA in Religion from Samford University in Birmingham, AL. Grace is a member of Cross Fellowship Church and is passionate about the gospel going forth to all nations.

Posted at: https://ftc.co/resource-library/blog-entries/look-to-god-in-loneliness/

FINDING YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

Cynthia Mathai 

Disappointment, hurt, and confusion weren’t new for me. But in this season of grief, I had to face the fact that two people I had trusted and submitted to as authority figures had been living deceptively for years.

This reality created a cavern of pain so deep that at times I felt it might swallow me whole. In a new way, I found myself wondering how I would walk well through grief, acknowledging the hurt and pain, not stuffing my feelings or painting a thick coat of pretense with well-worn “Christianese” phrases.

Almost eighteen months ago, I experienced grief in this way, and it changed me. Now I’m quieter. I’m weaker in some ways and stronger in others. I’m more focused. I long for Christ’s return more acutely and feel more sober about the wiles of the enemy and the weakness of my human will.

I didn’t get everything right, but I did learn some lessons about navigating grief that might serve you in your journey.

SOME WAYS TO NAVIGATE GRIEF

Running. For several months, I went running after work on nearby mountain trails. Each stride was fueled by confusion, pain, deep anger, fear, and tiny slivers of hope that at last deception was uncovered and there was an opportunity for truth and redemption.

Reading. I kept my bible as close to my bed as possible so that as my eyes slowly opened to greet the day and grief sat heavy on my chest each morning, I could reach for God’s Word and ask him to speak to me. Over the course of my walk with Jesus, whenever I have felt the ache of relational brokenness, God has often reminded me that he alone remains unchanging and faithful. So, I reached often for the Psalms and for quite some time read them while feeling numb or crying.

“I kept my bible as close to my bed as possible so that as my eyes slowly opened to greet the day and grief sat heavy on my chest each morning, I could reach for God’s Word and ask him to speak to me.

Slowing. I asked God for wisdom, as James says believers are to do when facing trials on how to navigate the pain (Jas. 1: 5–8). I heard the Spirit say words I despised at first: “Slow down.” I knew instinctively what God meant by those words. My pace in life has always been a point of struggle for me. Fueled by both good desires and a false sense of identity, I have always done “extra.” It became clear to me that this would be a season of scaling back. I started setting aside blocks of times during my week to write, to do nothing, to sit in the proverbial ashes and pray, instead of filling my days and nights with activities to distract myself from the discomfort of betrayal. I hated doing this at first. But eighteen months later—still practicing some of those margin-setting activities—I see God’s profound goodness and infinite wisdom in slowing down (Nah. 1:7; Job 12:13).

Questioning. I spent a lot of time receiving counsel from wise friends, pastors, mentors, and my mom. I had questions like, How do you forgive without immediately trusting? How do you process without gossiping? How do you grasp the truth of God’s sovereignty and human will in the paradoxical way in which it presents in Scripture and is worked out in the world? How do you face the reality that you have been bamboozled and yet cannot punish every other person in your life for the sins of others? I brought all of these questions to those I’ve chosen to trust and who have invested in over the years. Some questions didn’t have clear-cut answers. Some were painful to swallow at the moment and required ongoing conversations.

Writing. I wrote and wrote and wrote some more. The pen is often the extension of my heart. When I don’t quite know how to articulate my feelings, I reach for a pen, and as pen touches paper, it’s as though the strings of my heart are loosened, and with great ferocity, my feelings come bursting forth. Writing gave me release.

Counseling. I went to counseling, or rather, I went back to counseling. Deception by a pastor and a friend can bring up a lot from past pain and create new fears about future relationships. I knew that on my own I didn’t have what it took to make heads or tails of the present circumstances. I needed help to face things head-on and to dig deeper into truth for the road ahead, all while rambling my way through the messiness of my thoughts and feelings.

THE BLESSINGS OF GRIEF

People say that they wouldn’t trade the pain for the gain of walking through tragedy or loss and coming out on the other side. I would say the same.

The moniker for my Savior, the “man of sorrows” (Isa. 53:3), has over time become one of the most comforting realities of being one of his disciples. The “man of sorrows” sits with me in the depth of my pain; the place where sobs communicate more clearly than words. He counsels me in the midst of grief of all forms, fills me with courage to keep taking one small step after another; he asks me to forgive those who have trespassed against me, and he empowers me to obey his commands because he has forgiven my trespasses against him (Matt. 6:12; 1 Jn. 5:2–3).

“I would not trade the assurance I have that I can ask God to help me with minuscule things and he cares, and he helps.

I would not trade how much better I know Jesus. I would not trade the friendships I gained because of weeping publicly and needing to be comforted by those in my church community. Throughout the process of reckoning with hard truths as a congregation, I continued to grapple what the apostle Paul meant when he stated that God will not be mocked, for we reap what we sow (Gal. 6:7–8).

I would not trade the times I found myself weeping at how much joy I had knowing God was caring for me in my grief. I would not trade the slowing down of my life in ways I could only have dreamt of before, and in so doing, learn that my value is not in the sum of my productivity. I would not trade the assurance I have that I can ask God to help me with minuscule things and he cares, and he helps.

THE WAY FORWARD

I still have nights when the losses feel acute. I weep at what has been lost. I weep at seeing people wrestle with trust as a result of the failure of those in spiritual authority. I get angry that anyone must suffer the consequences of another’s selfishness. Each of us is capable of great evil and only by God’s great mercy do we love and seek forgiveness when we have fallen short.

In all this grieving, the progress made along the way, and the new way of being, it has become clear that whether we verbalize it or not, all of us are crying out for salvation. We are all breathless for new patterns of thinking, of relating, of being; breathless for a new world order and a permanently good authority.

My way through the spikes of sorrow—which still arise—is knowing the living hope of Jesus. Where people have failed and will continue to fail, Jesus proves to be a constant. He is present with his people now as he will be for all eternity, and his character can be fully trusted. One day, in a world made new, with God’s kingdom fully consummated, there will be no more grief to navigate (Rev. 21:4).

Cynthia Mathai (M.A., Ministry & Leadership) is a disciple of Jesus who lives in Portland, Oregon. She is a Higher Educational professional who also teaches God’s Word at women’s retreats/ conferences and enjoys writing. She has served on staff with Verity Fellowship (now The Gospel Coalition’s Women’s Training Network). She worships with the saints at Trinity Church of Portland. Follow Cynthia on Twitter.

Posted at: https://gcdiscipleship.com/article-feed/2020/3/4/finding-your-way-through-grief

Experience Better Relationships

Paul Tripp

Do you want to experience better relationships? Who doesn’t!

The best place to start, as with all things, is with Scripture. But be ready—what you find might be different than what you were initially seeking.

Read Colossians 3:12–14:

“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.” (ESV)

Read that a second time.

First, this passage defines our need. We were not designed to live the Christian life on our own. We must all come to understand and accept that our walks with God are community projects.

Second, this passage confronts our ownership. Our relationships don’t belong to us; they belong to God. We cannot allow ourselves to have an owner’s view of our relationships as if they exist for the sole purpose of our happiness.

Third, this passage defines our identity. Where does the Apostle Paul get his character list from? The answer is that these are the traits of Christ. Paul is figuratively telling us to “put on” Christ.

Finally, this passage defines our calling. God has a purpose for you in all of your relationships. It is that you would live as one of his representatives; that is, that you would live representatively.

Who are you representing? You are called to represent your Savior King.

What does that practically look like? Representing the King means you represent his message, his methods, and his character.

Representing the King’s message means that you look at every situation through the lens of the truth of Scripture and determine to help others look at life that way too. How does the Truth help me make sense of this moment, and how can I share that truth with the other person?

Representing the King’s methods means that you seek to be a tool of gospel change in the life of another person. How would the King work to mature this person, and how can I be part of that methodology and process?

Lastly, representing the character of the King means asking yourself, “What aspect of the Lord Jesus Christ does this person need to see in the situation that he or she is now in, and how can I incarnate that love?”

Other people are never about our wants, feelings, and desires. God has not designed your relationships to be vehicles for human happiness but as instruments of ministry and redemption.

The Bible presents a “bigger-purpose-than-my-happiness” way of living when interacting with others.

And when you give up your self-centered agenda, you’ll find more joy, peace, and fulfillment in your relationships than you could have ever imagined!

Posted at: Wednesday’s Word on Paul Tripp’s website

I Hate Porn

Eric Simmons

Pornography is a problem.

Porn is like a narcotic, it hijacks the brain, it redefines human sexuality, and in the meantime ruins lives, destroys families, and destabilizes ministries. And honestly it’s a problem that makes me tired — tired of the devastation Satan is causing to children, women, families, pastors, churches, and the world with this tragic evil.

Porn became a problem for me when I was only six, and by the grace of God that problem ended when Jesus saved me at age seventeen. But I know it rarely happens so cleanly. It is still a temptation, yes; temptation abounds living in the city I do, and with the heart I have, but grace abounds all the more in Jesus Christ.

Friends, I hate porn. And here’s why.

I hate porn because it is a perversion of what God created in man and woman.

I hate porn because it exploits women made in the image of God into an image made for a man’s lust.

I hate porn because it objectifies women into a consumable product instead of a glorious image-bearing creature of God.

I hate porn because I love women — in particular my wife and three daughters.

I hate porn because it takes the soul-satisfying experience of sex with a covenantally committed spouse and turns it into a twisted soul-shrinking experience of self-sex.

I hate porn because it turns sons and daughters of God into slaves of sex.

I hate porn because it turns potential missionaries into impotent Christians.

I hate porn because it destroys marriage, many before they even begin.

I hate porn because it extends adolescence and keeps men boys.

I hate porn because it lies to men about beauty and leads men to look for a porn star instead of a woman who fears the Lord.

I hate porn because it robs men and women of the full joy of obedience.

I hate porn because it fractures trust between a husband and wife.

I hate porn because it is a diabolical, satanic activity that is subtly leading thousands upon thousands to hell.

I hate porn because it leads to disqualified pastors and impotent churches. (Pastors, if you are addicted to porn, you are disqualified, and you are killing your church!)

I hate porn because I suspect it’s the most significant reason we are not planting more churches and sending more missionaries.

I hate porn because it disqualifies gospel preachers who could fill the empty church buildings in my city and so many others.

I hate porn because of the disappointment children have to go through when their dad tells them why they lost their job or opportunity to lead in the church.

I hate porn because it teaches a distorted view of sex to children before it can be explained by loving parents.

I hate porn because I am tired of sitting in my living room with sobbing, confused, devastated wives and broken, embarrassed, condemned men who got caught.

I hate porn because it leads to rape, molestation, and perversion that can devastate people for the rest of their lives.

I hate porn because it turns men inward and suffocates a man’s ambition to make God’s name hallowed.

I hate porn because it says sin, Satan, and the world are more satisfying than our triune God and his grace.

I hate porn because I hate ungodly guilt and condemnation.

I hate porn for the fear it induces in the hearts of parents everywhere that their child could stumble upon a sight and get addicted.

But I love Jesus.

I love Jesus because he loves people with porn problems.

I love Jesus because he is powerful to free porn-enslaved hearts.

He who knew no porn addiction became porn addiction so the porn addict might become the righteousness of God in him.

He who had no sin became sin for you so that you may become the righteousness of God (2 Corinthians 5:21).

In that one brilliant sentence, Paul puts an end to the porn problem.

“I love Jesus because he is powerful to free porn-enslaved hearts.”TweetShare on Facebook

Friend, you are no longer in Adam but in Jesus. Jesus became a substitute. It was as if he became the porn addict, by receiving the just penalty due for our perversion, and you became the righteous son or daughter of God with all its benefits.

Friend, in one act of love and justice, in the cross-work of Jesus, through faith in him, you are now clean, holy, accepted, forgiven, and free. Let me say it again . . . free!

I love Jesus.

Eric Simmons is the lead pastor of Redeemer Arlington, a church just outside Washington, D.C.

Posted at: https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/i-hate-porn

Reclaiming Friendship in the Social Media Age

By Brad Merchant

Augustine once wrote that there are two things essential to existence in this world: life and friendship. Yet, as Drew Hunter insightfully points out in his book on friendship, “Friendship is, for many of us, one of the most important but least thought about aspects of life.” Most people feel the tension of knowing friendship is valuable while living as though it isn’t.

Social media hasn’t helped.

Sure, it’s nice to keep up with friends, colleagues, and acquaintances, new and old, from all over the world. It’s nice to learn from a wide variety of voices and countless resources that fill our feeds. But social media is also distorting our view of friendship.

Friendship and Pseudo-Friendship

As we scroll through our feeds, full of pictures and updates from hundreds of people we haven’t talked to in years, we rightly ask, “Are these people really my friends?”

The paradox of social media is that we know many people while not feeling known by anyone.

Stephen Marche captures this well: “It’s a lonely business, wandering the labyrinths of our friends’ and pseudo-friends’ projected identities, trying to figure out what part of ourselves we ought to project, who will listen, and what they will hear.”

A 2018 Cigna study found that people aged 18 to 22 experienced loneliness significantly more than people 72 and older. That is not a coincidence. In a recent University of Pennsylvania study, psychologist Melissa G. Hunt concluded that there is an inevitable link between loneliness and social media use by 18- to 22-year-olds.

“It is a little ironic that reducing your use of social media actually makes you feel less lonely,” she says. “Using less social media than you normally would leads to significant decreases in both depression and loneliness.”

Social media promises social connectedness, but it often delivers social isolation.

Social media promises social connectedness, but it often delivers social isolation.

Four Ways to Reclaim Friendship

Social media’s distortion of genuine friendship and community presents Christians with a great opportunity to reclaim and reemphasize the priority of friendship. Here are four ways we can redeem the distortion of friendship in a social media age.

1. Prioritize Face-to-Face Friendships

About a year ago I made the decision to prioritize a smaller number of friends I lived in close proximity with instead of spending so much time keeping up with many distant acquaintances online. I scheduled biweekly meetings with these friends. Whenever I wanted to know how one was doing, I called them instead of checking their social feeds. Over time, I found that trading tweets and Facebook updates for real-time conversations strengthened my friendships and filled me with joy.

2. Value Deep Friendships

For the first time in our lives, we can objectively assess popularity. Social media has given us the ability to know exactly how many pseudo-friends we have. This silent contest often reorients our value systems. Many of us would rather have 5,000 followers than five deep friendships—all because we’ve wrongly attached our self-worth to a follower count.

Many of us would rather have 5,000 followers than five deep friendships.

But Christians should tip the scales in the opposite direction, valuing the few deep over the many shallow. We should seek friends who know our greatest joys and deepest sorrows, not just the superficial tidbits of our lives we post on Instagram.

3. Create New Social Media Habits

The FOMO effect is real. Fearful of missing out on social events and updates, we feel enslaved to social media. This constant fear, and the dopamine rush we get with every new notification, causes us to constantly check our feeds for the latest news or viral whatever we might be missing—all the while interrupting time with family, friends, and God. When endless streams of information are available at any moment, they tend to invade every moment. How do we get free? In his excellent book The Tech-Wise Family, Andy Crouch suggests we take planned sabbaticals from our screens: one hour a day, one day a week, one week a year. Choosing to say “no” to social media frees us to recenter on God and enjoy the people he puts in front of us—even if we miss out on a few things online.

When endless streams of information are available at any moment, they tend to invade every moment.

4. Rest in Jesus, Our Ever-Faithful Friend

Jesus stands in the face of social media’s claim for authentic friendship, declaring: “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends” (John 15:13). The ultimate Friend does not come to us through a screen, but in a body. He wraps himself in flesh and adorns himself with our weakness so that he can say, “No longer do I call you servants . . . I have called you friends.” (John 15:15). Jesus reminds us we are embodied people, meant to live joyful, sacrificial lives for the good of others and the glory of God.

Our worth is not found in the number of followers we have, but in the fact that Jesus calls us his friend. When we rest in this glorious truth, we are freed from enslavement to social media’s definition of friendship and worth.

Brad Merchant is the Pastor of Leadership Development at College Park Church in Indianapolis, Indiana. He is the author of Mentoring Like Jesus and blogs regularly. You can follow him on Twitter.

Posted at: https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/reclaiming-friendship-social-media-age/

How To Forge a Faithful Friendship

By David McLemore

What kind of friend are you?

Are you the kind of friend who sticks closer than a brother, or the kind that always texts last minute that you can’t make it?

Are you the kind of friend that breathes life into others, or a vampire friend that sucks the life out of the people around you?

Before you can answer what kind of a friend you are, it helps to know what makes for a good friend. Proverbs has more to say on friendship than perhaps any other book in the Bible. In his commentary on Proverbs, Derek Kidner highlights four qualities of a good friend: constancy, candor, counsel, and carefulness.

Friendships don’t just spring from nothing. Friendships require effort. They require forging. Without those four qualities, you won’t be capable of forging the kind of friendships you’re looking for—and the kinds of friendships the Bible calls for.

CONSTANCY

A friend is always with you. A friend is committed. He sticks closer than a brother.

Maybe you think you don’t have any close friends—no one who really sticks close to you. Well, maybe you don’t. But it’s very easy to pass the blame onto others without admitting maybe there’s something wrong with you. Good friendship begins with you.

“Many a man proclaims his own steadfast love, but a faithful man who can find?” says Proverbs 20:6. Is there a difference between the kind of friend you say you are and the kind of friend you truly are?

Superficial friends don’t stick around when times are bad: “Wealth brings many new friends, but a poor man is deserted by his friend” (Prov. 19:4; see also Prov. 19:7). Real friends are constant. Proverbs 17:17 says, “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.”

Do you long for friends like this? The best way to find a faithful friend is to be a faithful friend. Are you available for friendship? Do others even know you’re available? And when you find a friend, are you there for them?

British pastor Vaughan Roberts writes in True Friendship,

Perhaps we are confident that if a friend was truly in need, we would be there for them. But would anyone think of turning to us in such circumstances? Have we kept our friendships in good shape in better times so that they are prepared for the moment when a crisis occurs?

Maybe the reason you don’t have the friends you need is that you haven’t yet learned to be the friend you need. Be a constant friend, a friend others can count on. And if you really want others to count on you, you have to be honest.

CANDOR

We are sinners in need of help. We have blind spots. Friends are God’s gift to help us repent and change and move forward.

Proverbs 29:5 cautions, “A man who flatters his neighbor spreads a net for his feet.” Friends don’t butter one another up. They shoot straight because they don’t want to see their friend ensnared later. They want their friend free from sin, free from pain.

Why? Because in a way, your happiness is tied to theirs. If your friend hurts, you hurt. That’s one way know you have a real friendship—how much you feel what happens to them. You know you have a friend when you can say to them—and they can say to you—what no one else could get away with. “Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy,” (Prov. 27:5-6). Friends wound with love. They don’t kiss with flattery.

Oscar Wilde said, “A true friend stabs you in the front.” That’s a harsh way of putting it, but there’s some truth to it. Friends see what we can’t see about ourselves, and their blunt honesty can save us. Do you have a friend in your life who can sharpen you, who can tell you the cold, hard truth when necessary? Are you that kind of friend?

COUNSEL

Candidness opens the door for counsel. Real friends deal honestly. They give meaningful input. They sharpen. They make us wise.

Proverbs 27:9, “The sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel.” Earnest counsel isn’t just “do this, don’t do that.” It’s not detached. As commentator Charles Bridges says, earnest counsel is “the counsel of his soul.”

A friend puts themselves in our shoes and counsels as he would wish to be counseled. A friend isn’t just a prophet speaking the truth in the face of sin but also a priest bringing you to Jesus for help. If you have a friend who is candid with counsel, you will grow in wisdom.

Real friends are candid and give counsel, but their love keeps it from being reckless.

CAREFULNESS

Real friends are careful with one another. They don’t want to push you away; they want to bring you nearer to themselves and to Jesus. This is why friendship requires so much wisdom. God wants us to be careful with what we say and how we say it. As Proverbs 18:21 tells us, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue.”

Proverbs teaches us to avoid three friendship killers: gossip, aloofness, and grudges. First, we must not be gossips, and we must not make friends with gossips. Gossip is to friendship what adultery is to marriage. It destroys trust and fractures the relationship. Proverbs 16:28 says, “A dishonest man spreads strife, and a whisperer [gossip] separates close friends.” Gossip is poison. Avoid it at all costs.

Second, we must not be aloof to our friends. A friend isn’t detached or unsympathetic. Proverbs 25:20 says, “Whoever sings songs to a heavy heart is like one who takes off a garment on a cold day, and like vinegar on soda.” Singing happy songs to a heavy heart isn’t just wrong, it’s mean. Real friends know when to weep and when to rejoice. Real friends can read the mood and apply the right balm. They know how to be with present in the circumstance.

Third, we mustn’t hold grudges. True friends are forgiving. Proverbs 17:9 says, “Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends.” Every friend will disappoint us, and we will disappoint every friend. But wisdom says, “Okay, you’ve been disappointed. Now what? Now, cover that offense. Seek love. Don’t bring it up again.”

Jesus doesn’t hold a grudge against you. He’s forgiven you completely. He’s paid for all your sins. He won’t bring them up again. Why would he? When he said, “It is finished,” he meant it.

THE MODEL FRIEND

Tim Keller summarizes a friend as one who always lets you in and never lets you down. That’s what Jesus does. He lets us in and never lets us down.

We’re miserable failures as friends to God, and in response to our failure, God gave us the cross—not to unfriend us, but to befriend us forever.

On the cross, Jesus proved he’s the friend who sticks closer than a brother. He didn’t stop loving us in our failures. He loved us to death. He loves at all times. He’s a brother born for adversity. He’s a true friend who totally accepts you, totally forgives you, totally knows you, and doesn’t walk away from you. He laid his life down for you at the cross. He’s faithful even when you aren’t. He’s loyal even though you’re disloyal. He took your offense and buried it in the tomb. And on that resurrection day, he walked out with all the power of love we will ever need.

Jesus has made you his friend, and no matter how often we show up in his house, no matter how many times we offend him, no matter how often we fail him, he will never cast us out. He will always forgive us. He will never fail us.

GLORIOUS FRIEND

John Newton’s great hymn “One There is, Above All Others,” captures the wonder of this love:

Could we bear from one another what He daily bears from us?
Yet this glorious Friend and Brother loves us, though we treat Him thus.
Though for good we render ill, He accounts us brethren still.

No, we can’t be one another’s savior. Jesus is all the Savior we’ll ever need.

But we can, and should, be friends to one another. And the model of friendship is the friend of sinners, Jesus himself, who is constant, candid, careful, and full of counsel.

David McLemore is an elder at Refuge Church in Franklin, Tennessee. He also works for a large healthcare corporation where he manages an application development department. He is married to Sarah, and they have three sons. Read more of David’s writing on his blog, Things of the Sort.

Posted at: https://gcdiscipleship.com/article-feed/2019/2/14/how-to-forge-a-faithful-friendship

Five Signs Your Brother Needs Your Help

Dan DeWitt

Most vehicles have a number of warning signs to alert you to potential problems. I remember my old college car that had a “check engine” light that I learned to blissfully ignore all the way until the engine locked up while driving down the interstate. Similarly, my current vehicle has a service light that comes on when I need an oil change. I sometimes ignore that for a couple weeks as well.

We can be pretty good at ignoring the safety alarms in our spiritual lives as well—and the flashing lights in the lives of others around us. The truth is, we all need help from time to time. No one is so strong that they never falter. But how can you tell if your Christian brother is stuck in a rut and needs your help to get out? Here’s five warning signs you can look for:

First, is he present? This is rather obvious, but shouldn’t be ignored. Is he showing up to worship, to Bible study, to gatherings of other Christians? If he isn’t, don’t assume he is okay (Hebrews 10:25).

Second, is he participating? Maybe he is present but not active. Does there seem to be a marked difference in his involvement? Does he seem distant? Is he quiet in Bible study in a way that is uncharacteristic? (1 Corinthians 12:15-26).

Third, does he seem to be pursuing things of the Lord? Sometimes we can be actively involved in a faith community but not seeking to grow. Does he talk about reading God’s Word, or trying to better obey a command, or confess areas of weakness? Maybe he’s been open to things like that before but now seems reluctant to go there. (Psalm 119).

May God help us all to walk together, out of our ruts, away from our sin, and forward in the path he has set before us

Fourth, does his passion for God seem to have cooled? Jesus said that the greatest command is to love him with all of our heart, mind, strength, and soul. That should make us stop and think. Our love for God is a monumental priority.  Not only should we make this our priority for ourselves, but it should be a priority for how we care for each other and help each other grow (Revelation 2:4).

Finally, do you see progress in his life? Maybe he isn’t skipping out on fellowship and accountability, but it seems like is happy to press the cruise button in his spiritual life. He might be stuck in a rut (2 Peter 1:5).

But before any of us runs off to analyze a Christian brother – let’s consider our own lives. We might need to remove the plank in our own eye before assessing the splinter in theirs (Matthew 7:5).  The Apostle Paul’s warning is a great place to begin as we consider talking to a fellow believer about their spiritual growth:

“Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, for each one should carry their own load.” (Galatians 6:1-5, NIV)

Maybe your brother needs your help. Maybe you need your brother’s help. May God help us all to walk together, out of our ruts, away from our sin, and forward in the path he has set before us (Hebrews 12:1-2).

That’s precisely why I wrote Sunny Side Up. The Apostle Peter messed up pretty badly when he denied Jesus three times. But our Lord graciously gave him the chance to make amends over a breakfast conversation in John 21.  Jesus called Peter to enjoy a life of all-out commitment to Christ. He calls us to the same thing. And that’s what Sunny Side Up is about—for flawed guys like me to catch the vision and the joy of living all out for Christ. 

Posted at: https://www.thegoodbook.co.uk/blog/interestingthoughts/2019/02/05/five-signs-your-brother-needs-your-help/?fbclid=IwAR1kyrw0G-Eadw_sxSDy-OL0LXkczMK3Qu3GZkVC-lzzgwW1pBnRFYzdysE

The Value of Understanding Perception

Article by Rob Green

Years ago, I heard the phrase “perception determines reality.” I remember being confused. Reality is not dependent on one’s perception, I reasoned. The saying made no sense to me. At the time I was an engineering student at a university near my home. Despite my attempts to perceive matters differently than my professor, my professor still submitted the “real” grades. In addition, I heard my pastor say that the Bible clearly teaches that Jesus’ death, burial, and resurrection are reality (1 Corinthians 15) whether a person perceives the events as true or not. Those who do not perceive the existence of God are called fools (Psalm 14:1). Perception does not determine reality. It was easy to dismiss that saying as nothing more than a fool opening his mouth and proving his foolishness.

As I have continued to learn, grow, mature, and minister in Christ’s service, I think I understand a bit more about what that saying might actually teach. Let me start with a little story that represents one aspect of ministry.

Imagine a couple who are in regular conflict. They experience conflict about many things including the normal suspects like intimacy, money, and the children. But this couple also manages to argue about meals, the laundry, the cleanliness of the bedroom, what time one would come home from work, and a myriad of other topics. It becomes almost mind-numbing to consider the breadth of their conflicts.

Let’s imagine a few moments in their home. One night she warms up leftovers for dinner. The leftovers need to be eaten and she serves him the best ones available. The husband believes that she did not make something fresh in order to make his difficult day even harder. He does not see her actions as a picture of stewardship and love, but rather as an act of relational war.

On a different day the husband takes all the laundry from their room to the laundry area, but accidently drops a pair of underwear on the way. When she sees the underwear in the hallway, she perceives it as a sign — It is like a breadcrumb guiding her path to the laundry machine. Needless to say, she is not happy. What he views as an act of kindness (taking down the laundry although he accidently dropped one item) she understands as an act of war and criticism.

The difficulties, failure to solve problems, and lack of finding their joy in Christ led this “couple” to the point where their perception of each other was dominated by bitterness, anger, and believing the worst about the other. They wore glasses polarized to see the events of life as critical, demeaning, and condescending. As a result, acts of love, kindness, and care were filtered out like UV rays from a pair of quality sunglasses.

It should come as no surprise that one’s understanding of these “acts of war” then set in motion another series of thoughts, words, and actions that only made the conflict worse.

Perception does not determine reality, but perception sets in motion how we are going to think about, speak into, and act toward a real situation.

There are many implications for our own lives and in how we try to serve others. Let’s consider four of them:

First, do you look at your spouse and/or your children through the lens of grace?

If you are a believer in Christ, then do you follow the model that God set when he sees you through the righteousness of Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17-21)? If this has been a problem, then it might be a good time to repent and ask the Lord and your family to forgive you.

Second, when you question the motives and actions of another person, do you choose to believe the best (give them the benefit of the doubt) or are you more likely to believe the worst about them and their actions (love polarizes events to see the best in those events – 1 Corinthians 13:7)?

It might be wise to ask the Lord for grace to believe the best about another person in your life.

Third, do you exaggerate situations to make others look worse than they are?

Another way to ask the question is, do you take a worse situation in the past and read it into the present circumstance to make it seem more hurtful than it really is? Thankfully the Lord removes the sin of our past as far as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:12).

Fourth, when ministering to others do you consider how their perceptions of their reality are influencing their thoughts, words, and actions?

Maybe one of the reasons that the person is confusing to you is that you do not share the same perception. What you see as an act of kindness they see as an act of spite. This insight should give you a clue into wise personal ministry.

The solution, stated simply, is to follow the example set by our Savior who chooses not to treat us as our sins deserve (Hebrews 8:12), who covers us with his righteousness (2 Corinthians 5:17), and who has a character defined by graciousness, compassion, being slow to anger, abounding in lovingkindness and truth, and forgiveness (Exodus 34:6).

Posted at: https://blogs.faithlafayette.org/counseling/2018/12/the-value-of-understanding-perception/?fbclid=IwAR3jaeDri9-JUBCxZVpBYqauVXvIKSnnErv0K79oNbf2uw96-VkJzv4dx4I

The Value of Understanding Perception

Article by Rob Green

Years ago, I heard the phrase “perception determines reality.” I remember being confused. Reality is not dependent on one’s perception, I reasoned. The saying made no sense to me. At the time I was an engineering student at a university near my home. Despite my attempts to perceive matters differently than my professor, my professor still submitted the “real” grades. In addition, I heard my pastor say that the Bible clearly teaches that Jesus’ death, burial, and resurrection are reality (1 Corinthians 15) whether a person perceives the events as true or not. Those who do not perceive the existence of God are called fools (Psalm 14:1). Perception does not determine reality. It was easy to dismiss that saying as nothing more than a fool opening his mouth and proving his foolishness.

As I have continued to learn, grow, mature, and minister in Christ’s service, I think I understand a bit more about what that saying might actually teach. Let me start with a little story that represents one aspect of ministry.

Imagine a couple who are in regular conflict. They experience conflict about many things including the normal suspects like intimacy, money, and the children. But this couple also manages to argue about meals, the laundry, the cleanliness of the bedroom, what time one would come home from work, and a myriad of other topics. It becomes almost mind-numbing to consider the breadth of their conflicts.

Let’s imagine a few moments in their home. One night she warms up leftovers for dinner. The leftovers need to be eaten and she serves him the best ones available. The husband believes that she did not make something fresh in order to make his difficult day even harder. He does not see her actions as a picture of stewardship and love, but rather as an act of relational war.

On a different day the husband takes all the laundry from their room to the laundry area, but accidently drops a pair of underwear on the way. When she sees the underwear in the hallway, she perceives it as a sign — It is like a breadcrumb guiding her path to the laundry machine. Needless to say, she is not happy. What he views as an act of kindness (taking down the laundry although he accidently dropped one item) she understands as an act of war and criticism.

The difficulties, failure to solve problems, and lack of finding their joy in Christ led this “couple” to the point where their perception of each other was dominated by bitterness, anger, and believing the worst about the other. They wore glasses polarized to see the events of life as critical, demeaning, and condescending. As a result, acts of love, kindness, and care were filtered out like UV rays from a pair of quality sunglasses.

It should come as no surprise that one’s understanding of these “acts of war” then set in motion another series of thoughts, words, and actions that only made the conflict worse.

Perception does not determine reality, but perception sets in motion how we are going to think about, speak into, and act toward a real situation.

There are many implications for our own lives and in how we try to serve others. Let’s consider four of them:

First, do you look at your spouse and/or your children through the lens of grace?

If you are a believer in Christ, then do you follow the model that God set when he sees you through the righteousness of Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17-21)? If this has been a problem, then it might be a good time to repent and ask the Lord and your family to forgive you.

Second, when you question the motives and actions of another person, do you choose to believe the best (give them the benefit of the doubt) or are you more likely to believe the worst about them and their actions (love polarizes events to see the best in those events – 1 Corinthians 13:7)?

It might be wise to ask the Lord for grace to believe the best about another person in your life.

Third, do you exaggerate situations to make others look worse than they are?

Another way to ask the question is, do you take a worse situation in the past and read it into the present circumstance to make it seem more hurtful than it really is? Thankfully the Lord removes the sin of our past as far as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:12).

Fourth, when ministering to others do you consider how their perceptions of their reality are influencing their thoughts, words, and actions?

Maybe one of the reasons that the person is confusing to you is that you do not share the same perception. What you see as an act of kindness they see as an act of spite. This insight should give you a clue into wise personal ministry.

The solution, stated simply, is to follow the example set by our Savior who chooses not to treat us as our sins deserve (Hebrews 8:12), who covers us with his righteousness (2 Corinthians 5:17), and who has a character defined by graciousness, compassion, being slow to anger, abounding in lovingkindness and truth, and forgiveness (Exodus 34:6).

Posted at: https://blogs.faithlafayette.org/counseling/2018/12/the-value-of-understanding-perception/?fbclid=IwAR3jaeDri9-JUBCxZVpBYqauVXvIKSnnErv0K79oNbf2uw96-VkJzv4dx4I

Beware of Emotional Affairs

Article by Ellen Mary Dykas, Harvest USA

Josh had been at a new church for four months when Sara—his pastor’s wife—invited him to join their community group, which was a weekly gathering of both singles and married couples. Sara and her husband, Craig, wanted a group where married couples mentored singles.

Josh and Sara hit it off, and they discovered lots of common interests. Their conversation easily flowed during the fellowship time before the Bible study. Sara was surprised how much she missed Josh when he couldn’t attend. Josh realized that talking to Sara became the main reason he enjoyed the group. Not a big deal, it’s just talking.

Then the conversation time moved into texting. Not a big deal, everyone texts. But when the two of them began texting about community group issues, their sharing became more personal. Josh’s work stress and loneliness as a single man, and Sara’s challenges in being a pastor’s wife, gave them ways to grow more emotionally intimate with each other.

Then it happened. Their texting became a nightly ritual as Craig was often asleep by 9 p.m. and Sara, a night owl, would reach out to Josh to check in and see how he was in regards to his prayer requests. Their texting often lasted an hour or more. The warning line had long since been crossed.

One night Josh felt compelled to be honest and blurted out in a text: I think I’m in love with you. He waited nervously for her reply, and it came within seconds: Me too . . . my heart’s grown cold towards Craig. No one’s ever understood my heart the way you do. I need you. Her text gave Josh a rush of intoxication and yet, seeing her words jolted him: Sara was married, and her husband was his pastor!

Josh panicked. Now the reality of their too-close friendship hit him like a punch to the gut. What was so enjoyable and enriching was now an entangled mess. How would their friendship go forward? What if this got out? Would he have to leave the church? Would Sara’s marriage survive?

Discerning When Lines Are Crossed

Though Josh and Sara never touched one another, they had cultivated an unholy and messy relationship: an emotional affair. An emotional affair happens when a married person shares ongoing emotional intimacy with someone who is not his or her spouse, in a way that damages the marriage relationship. Singles can be guilty of emotional affairs, too, when they form inappropriately intimate relationships with a married person.

Many men and women miss the alarms going off when a relationship begins to cross obvious lines. They assume that because there’s no physical or sexual involvement, the relationship is okay.

But one day an awareness kicks in, and they realize it’s moving in the wrong direction.

If close friendships are an important God-given gift to us, how do we discern if boundaries are being crossed into a danger zone?

Questions to Ask

Here are some questions to help discern if your relationship has morphed into an emotional affair:

• Is there any secrecy or deception involved in your interactions?

• How much contact are you in (face to face, over devices, social media, and so on), and how does it compare to how much time you connect with your spouse?

• If you are single, how does your contact with this married person compare to other close friendships?

• Do you have romantic feeling toward her/him? Sexual chemistry? Mental preoccupation? If yes to any of these, are you seeking to feed or flee from these tempting dynamics?

• What is the content of your communication? How would your spouse (or mentor, pastor, close friend) react if she/he saw your texts or emails, or overheard your private conversations?

• Does this relationship inspire you to obey Christ or to turn away from him? Does this relationship propel you toward your spouse, or away? Does this relationship motivate you to invest more passionately in loving other people, or to isolate yourself and focus on this one person?

Brother or sister, if these questions (and your answers) make you uncomfortable about this relationship: PAUSE! HALT! STOP! You—and your friend—are in danger.

God wants us to have rich and meaningful relationships whether we are single or married. God delights in Christ-centered friendships that stay within the boundaries of his Word, boundaries that are healthy for both friends.

But God never intends for any of his good gifts to become a heart-hijacking reality that steals joy and betrays a spouse’s trust. He is committed to removing relational attachments which lead to sin and distraction. Emotional affairs are a cheap substitute for what God graciously gives: unfailing love and true intimacy of the deepest kind, which is ours in Christ.

Posted at: https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/beware-emotional-affairs/