By Robert Jones
While marriage can be difficult, being married to a non-Christian can be doubly difficult. But God can help you.
By spiritually-single, I mean believers in Christ married to those who don’t follow Jesus Christ. Jesus envisioned the possibility of spiritually-mixed marriages in passages like Luke 14:25-27. The apostle Paul addresses this reality in 1 Corinthians 7:12-16, as does the apostle Peter in 1 Peter 3:1-6. Thankfully, each passage brings direction and hope.
How did you become spiritually single? Perhaps you and your spouse were both unsaved when you married, but the Lord graciously saved you. Or maybe you were a believer who didn’t know God’s command only to marry a believer (1 Cor. 7:39-40; 2 Cor. 6:14-18). Or you knew God’s command, but you disregarded or defied it, and you married your non-Christian fiancé anyway. Or you thought that person was a believer, but your spouse now evidences no commitment to the Lord.
Regardless of how you formed your spiritually-mixed marriage, you now face an array of daily spiritual dangers as a Christian. Consider seven temptations you uniquely meet in your marriage.
1. Letting Your Good Desire for Your Spouse’s Conversion Rule Your Heart
While we should strongly yearn for our unsaved spouse to know and submit to King Jesus, even this desire can become idolatrous if it becomes a demand toward God or if we live with despair, anger, or anxiety if it doesn’t happen (e.g., Luke 24:21). It can lead to manipulative attempts to make your spouse a Christian. Instead, ask God to help you learn to balance fervent prayer with biblical trust and contentment.
2. Daydreaming about Being Married to a Christian
The world continually sends messages that tempt us toward discontentment. Even Christian romance novels, films, or social media—or a Christian man or woman you know—can tempt you to long for a better or different godly partner. But escapism through fantasy denies God’s sovereign, wise, and good purposes for you. God was not asleep when you wed your spouse—He was at the ceremony—even if you did so unwisely.
3. Envying Those Who Have a Christian Spouse
No doubt, there are benefits to a two-believer marriage. Christian couples find it easier to make joint decisions, raise their children, and handle finances and in-laws. But comparison will tempt you toward discontentment. Envy assaults God’s goodness. It leaves you no room to rejoice with these brothers and sisters, thank God for their salvation, pray for them, serve them, and enjoy them. Moreover, we can forget that their remaining sin means even those marriages remain imperfect.
4. Becoming Angry at God and Blaming Him
Resentment complains, “I can’t believe God allowed me to fall in love with a non-Christian man.” It accusingly asks, “Why, God, have you not saved my spouse yet? Don’t you love me enough to give me what I’ve prayed for?” Unanswered prayer tests our belief in God’s goodness and our willingness to rest in God’s sovereign, electing grace. Believers must learn to replace sinful anger against God with godly lament. Like the psalmists, tell God your struggles. But remember your finiteness, rehearse His glorious acts and attributes, repent of your accusations against Him, and learn to trust His wisdom.[1]
5. Expecting Christian Thinking or Behavior from Your Unsaved Spouse
Does your spouse’s sinful behavior shock you? Why? The apostle Paul reminds you, “The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God” (Rom. 8:6-8; cf. 1 Cor. 2:14). Don’t expect your non-Christian spouse to act biblically; they are incapable of this apart from a saving relationship with Christ and the power of the Holy Spirit.
6. Compromising Your Godly Convictions
Because marriage involves joint decisions, some situations will tempt you to compromise your godly convictions. Maybe to avoid conflict, you have given in to your spouse’s ungodly decisions. Or you don’t know when to speak up in disagreement and when to keep quiet, trust God, and pray. Ask God to fortify your godly convictions but to help you voice and live them graciously. At the same time, make sure your standards are biblically-based—not higher than God’s—so as not to impose legalistic pressure on you or your unsaved spouse.
7. Proudly Comparing Yourself to Your Unbelieving Spouse
Along with the point above, remember you also were once incapable of acting biblically. Paul calls us “to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and always to be gentle toward everyone”—including an unsaved spouse—because, before God saved us, “at one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another” (Titus 3:2-3). You were saved by grace alone. And even now, apart from the Lord, you can do nothing (John 15:5). According to our Lord’s parable of the Pharisee and the tax collector in Luke 18:9-14, the only thing worse than being an evildoer (or whatever sins you dislike about your spouse) is being proud you are not one. In short, you were not as good as you think you were then, and not as good as you think you are now. Whatever godliness you display is solely because of the Spirit’s transforming work in you.
Conclusion
Living as a Christian with a spouse who doesn’t follow Jesus brings numerous challenges. But as hard as that is for you right now, remember the devastating eternal destiny your spouse faces. Unless God saves them, they are heading toward final judgment and a Christ-less eternity. Recall that God saved you when you were “powerless, ungodly, sinners, and God’s enemies” (Rom. 5:6, 8, 10). Ask God to do that for your unsaved spouse. And as you do, love that person with the love Christ has given you. Live out this relationship with godly deeds and attitudes (1 Pet. 3:1-6).
Questions for Reflection
Which of these seven temptations are most problematic for you?
What does God’s Word say about them? Have you talked to God about them?
Have you shared your struggle with your pastors and with godly (same gender) brothers or sisters? Point them to this article and ask them to pray for you, encourage you, and coach you in being a godly spouse in your spiritually-mixed marriage.
[1] See Robert D. Jones, Angry at God? Bring Him Your Doubts & Questions, (Phillipsburg, NJ: P&R, 2003).
Posted at: https://www.biblicalcounselingcoalition.org/2020/11/23/seven-dangers-you-face-as-a-spiritually-single-christian/