Seven Dangers You Face as a Spiritually-Single Christian

By Robert Jones

While marriage can be difficult, being married to a non-Christian can be doubly difficult. But God can help you.

By spiritually-single, I mean believers in Christ married to those who don’t follow Jesus Christ. Jesus envisioned the possibility of spiritually-mixed marriages in passages like Luke 14:25-27. The apostle Paul addresses this reality in 1 Corinthians 7:12-16, as does the apostle Peter in 1 Peter 3:1-6. Thankfully, each passage brings direction and hope.

How did you become spiritually single? Perhaps you and your spouse were both unsaved when you married, but the Lord graciously saved you. Or maybe you were a believer who didn’t know God’s command only to marry a believer (1 Cor. 7:39-40; 2 Cor. 6:14-18). Or you knew God’s command, but you disregarded or defied it, and you married your non-Christian fiancé anyway. Or you thought that person was a believer, but your spouse now evidences no commitment to the Lord.

Regardless of how you formed your spiritually-mixed marriage, you now face an array of daily spiritual dangers as a Christian. Consider seven temptations you uniquely meet in your marriage.

1. Letting Your Good Desire for Your Spouse’s Conversion Rule Your Heart

While we should strongly yearn for our unsaved spouse to know and submit to King Jesus, even this desire can become idolatrous if it becomes a demand toward God or if we live with despair, anger, or anxiety if it doesn’t happen (e.g., Luke 24:21). It can lead to manipulative attempts to make your spouse a Christian. Instead, ask God to help you learn to balance fervent prayer with biblical trust and contentment.

2. Daydreaming about Being Married to a Christian

The world continually sends messages that tempt us toward discontentment. Even Christian romance novels, films, or social media—or a Christian man or woman you know—can tempt you to long for a better or different godly partner. But escapism through fantasy denies God’s sovereign, wise, and good purposes for you. God was not asleep when you wed your spouse—He was at the ceremony—even if you did so unwisely.

3. Envying Those Who Have a Christian Spouse

No doubt, there are benefits to a two-believer marriage. Christian couples find it easier to make joint decisions, raise their children, and handle finances and in-laws. But comparison will tempt you toward discontentment. Envy assaults God’s goodness. It leaves you no room to rejoice with these brothers and sisters, thank God for their salvation, pray for them, serve them, and enjoy them. Moreover, we can forget that their remaining sin means even those marriages remain imperfect.

4. Becoming Angry at God and Blaming Him

Resentment complains, “I can’t believe God allowed me to fall in love with a non-Christian man.” It accusingly asks, “Why, God, have you not saved my spouse yet? Don’t you love me enough to give me what I’ve prayed for?” Unanswered prayer tests our belief in God’s goodness and our willingness to rest in God’s sovereign, electing grace. Believers must learn to replace sinful anger against God with godly lament. Like the psalmists, tell God your struggles. But remember your finiteness, rehearse His glorious acts and attributes, repent of your accusations against Him, and learn to trust His wisdom.[1]

5. Expecting Christian Thinking or Behavior from Your Unsaved Spouse

Does your spouse’s sinful behavior shock you? Why? The apostle Paul reminds you, “The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God” (Rom. 8:6-8; cf. 1 Cor. 2:14). Don’t expect your non-Christian spouse to act biblically; they are incapable of this apart from a saving relationship with Christ and the power of the Holy Spirit.

6. Compromising Your Godly Convictions

Because marriage involves joint decisions, some situations will tempt you to compromise your godly convictions. Maybe to avoid conflict, you have given in to your spouse’s ungodly decisions. Or you don’t know when to speak up in disagreement and when to keep quiet, trust God, and pray. Ask God to fortify your godly convictions but to help you voice and live them graciously. At the same time, make sure your standards are biblically-based—not higher than God’s—so as not to impose legalistic pressure on you or your unsaved spouse.

7. Proudly Comparing Yourself to Your Unbelieving Spouse

Along with the point above, remember you also were once incapable of acting biblically. Paul calls us “to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and always to be gentle toward everyone”—including an unsaved spouse—because, before God saved us, “at one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another” (Titus 3:2-3). You were saved by grace alone. And even now, apart from the Lord, you can do nothing (John 15:5). According to our Lord’s parable of the Pharisee and the tax collector in Luke 18:9-14, the only thing worse than being an evildoer (or whatever sins you dislike about your spouse) is being proud you are not one. In short, you were not as good as you think you were then, and not as good as you think you are now. Whatever godliness you display is solely because of the Spirit’s transforming work in you.

Conclusion

Living as a Christian with a spouse who doesn’t follow Jesus brings numerous challenges. But as hard as that is for you right now, remember the devastating eternal destiny your spouse faces. Unless God saves them, they are heading toward final judgment and a Christ-less eternity. Recall that God saved you when you were “powerless, ungodly, sinners, and God’s enemies” (Rom. 5:6, 8, 10). Ask God to do that for your unsaved spouse. And as you do, love that person with the love Christ has given you. Live out this relationship with godly deeds and attitudes (1 Pet. 3:1-6).

Questions for Reflection 

1. Which of these seven temptations are most problematic for you?

2. What does God’s Word say about them? Have you talked to God about them?

3. Have you shared your struggle with your pastors and with godly (same gender) brothers or sisters? Point them to this article and ask them to pray for you, encourage you, and coach you in being a godly spouse in your spiritually-mixed marriage.

[1] See Robert D. Jones, Angry at God? Bring Him Your Doubts & Questions, (Phillipsburg, NJ: P&R, 2003).

Posted at: https://www.biblicalcounselingcoalition.org/2020/11/23/seven-dangers-you-face-as-a-spiritually-single-christian/

10 Keys to Solving Marriage Conflict in Quarantine

STEVE HOPPE

It’s been said that only two things in life are certain—death and taxes. If you’re living with your spouse in isolation during this COVID-19 crisis, I’d add one more: marriage conflict.

Times are stressful. Uncertainty abounds. The uncharted waters of the coronavirus pandemic are requiring collaborative co-navigation with your spouse, but you’re driving each other nuts as you steer the family boat. You’re quibbling and quarreling. You’re correcting and criticizing. You’re disagreeing, debating, and potentially devouring each other with your words. You need help.

Allow me to provide 10 principles that will help you tackle marriage conflict in a way that draws you closer—not further apart—during this tumultuous season.

1. Take off your tool belt.

When your spouse’s sins and shortcomings inevitably surface, you will be tempted to enter fix-it mode in an effort to conform your spouse into God’s image (at best) or your image (at worst).

But fixing your spouse isn’t your job. Only God can truly fix us. Only he can remove our dead hearts of stone, replace them with living hearts of flesh, and mold us into people of Christlike thoughts, words, and actions (Ezek. 36:26–27). God, not you, is your spouse’s heart engineer.

2. Play catch.

When conflict arises, many couples instinctively play “conversation ping-pong.” They rapidly and aggressively swat words back and forth at each other without pausing to consider them.

Instead, play a different game. Put your paddle down and play catch. When your spouse speaks, catch the conversation ball (listen). Hold the ball for a little while (think). Toss it back gently (speak). Listen. Think. Speak. In that order. It will take practice. It will take patience. And it will produce peaceful conversations.

Listen. Think. Speak. It’ll take practice. It’ll take patience. And it’ll produce peaceful conversations.

3. Put on high heels (or Air Jordans).

Work hard to empathize with your spouse. Walk in their shoes. See the world through their eyes. Outwardly express their emotions back in a way that says, “I get you.” Why is empathy such a blessing to your spouse? It sends the message that your spouse’s emotions are real, valid, and important. It tells your spouse they’re not a problem to be solved but a person to be known and loved.

Most importantly, it emulates the empathetic love of Christ—the one who chose to leave heaven, enter our world, walk in our shoes, feel our pain, and ultimately die on our behalf.

4. Ask why.

If you’re responding to your spouse in an unholy manner, ask yourself why. What in your heart is at the root of your ungodly behavior? Are you worshiping some idol? Are you believing some lie about God, your spouse, yourself, or the world around you?

Dig to the root of your response—the heart-level cause of your irreverent words or actions. After all, if the roots don’t change, the fruit won’t change (Luke 6:43–45).

5. Avoid exaggeration.

Exaggeration has no place in godly marriage conflict for at least two reasons. First, it’s a form of lying—a breach of the ninth commandment (Ex. 20:16). It takes something that’s true, stretches it, and turns it into something untrue. Second, exaggeration can easily come across as a character assassination—an assault on who your spouse is, not what your spouse did.

Barring exceptional circumstances, eliminate the following words from your vocabulary when critiquing your spouse: always, never, all, none, everything, nothing, everybody, nobody, constantly, completely, entirely, and thoroughly. There are others, but you get the gist.

6. Celebrate criticism.

According to Proverbs, the number-one way to become wise is to hear, internalize, and apply constructive feedback (Prov. 1:7; 8:33; 12:1; 13:1, 10; 15:5, 31; 19:20; 29:15). If this is the case, then you have a remarkable opportunity to grow in wisdom during this pandemic.

You’re receiving a healthy dose of criticism from your spouse. But there’s a problem: criticism is painful. How do you move past the pain and rejoice when you’re criticized? You must fall in love with the prize. The more you love wisdom—and specifically Jesus Christ, “the wisdom of God” (1 Cor. 1:24)—the more you will be willing to endure painful criticism to get it.

Criticism is painful. How do you move past the pain and rejoice when criticized? You must fall in love with the prize.

7. Refuse to revile.

As stress increases and tension escalates, chances are your spouse will falsely accuse you of wrongdoing, verbally inflate your sins, or assume unholy motives when your motives are (relatively) pure.

What do you do when you face injustice like this? Emulate Christ. When the sinless, selfless Savior was unjustly reviled, he didn’t revile in return (1 Pet. 2:23). When the one who never should have suffered was taken to the cross, he didn’t fight back with threats, but focused on his Father who would one day justify him. Jesus willfully bore injustice because he knew that God would eventually vindicate him.

8. Take an adult timeout.

When the relational temperature in the room is scalding, sometimes it’s best to step away and take a timeout. This will help you in at least two ways. First, it will allow you to reach a state of emotional equilibrium—a place where adrenaline is no longer rushing through your veins and tempting you to say things that you will regret.

Second, it will provide spiritual clarity. As you spend time with God (the key to a successful time-out), your heart will change, the Spirit will convict you of sin, and your thoughts will start to align with God’s. You’ll be a new person when you re-enter the conversation.

9. Call in the reserves.

I know that this is a time when we’re supposed to isolate. But we’re never supposed to isolate relationally as Christians. During this pandemic, you will need the body of Christ to support and guide you through marriage challenges.

When times are especially tough, I suggest that the two of you reach out to your pastor, a trusted elder, a spiritually mature married couple in your church, or, if necessary, a Christ-centered marriage counselor. Don’t be too proud or afraid to call for help. Your marriage may need it now more than ever before.

10. Hydrate frequently.

I saved the most important for last: stay hydrated. Drink Christ’s living water with your spouse regularly during this crisis. Read and discuss the Bible together. Pray daily. Spend Christ-focused time with other Christians (virtually, of course). Worship on your couch together on Sundays.

Find ways to serve the less-fortunate from a distance. Talk about Jesus with those who don’t share your beliefs. Give generously. The more living water you consume, the healthier your heart’s roots will be, and the holier your communication will be when conflict arises.

In the end, the key to successfully making it through the COVID crisis alongside your spouse boils down to the simplest, but most difficult command that Jesus gave us: love. Lay down your life for your spouse out of love. Even when you’re in conflict. Especially when you’re in conflict.

Editors’ note: 

This article is based on Steve Hoppe’s new book, Marriage Conflict: Talking as Teammates (P&R), a 31-day devotional to help apply God’s Word to everyday life.

Posted at: https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/10-keys-marriage-conflict-quarantine/