Article by Charles Hodges
This week, a counselee made a choice that will affect the lives of most of those known by the individual. One of those affected was the counselor who had invested years in that person’s life. As I discussed it with the counselor, I was stricken with how little my words were of comfort to my friend whose heart was aching.
Any of us who have counseled much have been in this situation. I can think of two couples who I counseled for at least two years each. I thank God that one couple is currently doing well. As the Apostle John said in 3 John 1:4, “I have no greater joy than to know my children are walking in the light.” The other couple is not doing well, and at times I feel the weight of the choices they have made. So many people invested so much time in helping them, and initially, the outlook seemed very hopeful.
So, where do counselors go for comfort when counselees make heartbreaking decisions? How do we make sense of senseless choices and the collateral damage they cause? Where can we find comfort?
9:27 Divine Appointments
As a young physician, I had to deal with the medical version of this question. I was impressed by the notion that my decisions could mean life or death to patients. I suspect this awareness grew out of the practice resuscitation codes we did in our training. If I made the wrong choice and gave the wrong order, the instructor would say that I just killed the patient. Working under pressure is one of the most helpful ways to improve performance.
It took a while, but I finally came across Hebrews 9:27: “It is appointed unto man once to die and after that the judgment.” As a young Christian, I interpreted that verse rather concretely. Appointments meant something to me. Every 15 minutes, I would see another patient. Sometimes they were on time and I was late, or I would be on time and they would be late. It was a process that I could not fully control.
One day it dawned on me that I was not alone in the choices that affected the lives of patients. They made choices and God made choices as well. The result was the
“9:27 divine appointment.” As I often noted, it was the kind of appointment for which neither the patient nor the physician was late.
That thought gave me great comfort as a young physician. I was there to help, but I could not be completely responsible for all of it. Patients made choices and ultimately God made choices that affected the outcome.
So then, how could I have been more comfort to my friend? And, how should we as counselors put into perspective the sad choices that counselees make at times? Where do we find comfort?
Grieving Loss is Normal.
There are many sides to the grieving that we do when our counselees stumble badly. Our hearts are hurt by their actions just like anyone else. Counselors cannot insulate themselves from the hurt that comes when counselees choose to sin. Paul speaks of this in his second letter to the Corinthians.
The church at Corinth had stumbled badly. There was open adultery, drunkenness at communion, and proud divisions in the body that Paul addressed in his first letter. It was a scathing epistle that Paul later said caused them sorrow which he said he did not regret. During that period, Paul described himself as having no rest, afflicted on every side, experiencing conflicts without and fears within (2 Cor. 7:5).
If Paul could be so disturbed by the behavior of his “counselees,” it is reasonable to expect that we would be too. I remember reading about how psychiatrists in the 1960s would attempt to keep an emotional distance from their patients, even to the point that they were not supposed acknowledge their patient’s presence if they met them on the street. There was supposed to be a wall between the professional and the personal. Biblical counseling must be different.
We do not counsel people with whom we have nothing more than a professional bond. We are brothers and sisters with those we seek to help. As the writer of Hebrews said of Jesus, we are not the kind of people who cannot be touched “by the feelings of their infirmities” (Heb. 4:15).
So, to be forewarned is to be forearmed. It is normal to grieve the losses incurred when counselees choose to sin. Expect it. And, don’t feel obligated to apologize for it.
People Make Choices!
It will also be helpful to remember that when other people make choices they, not you, are responsible for those choices. I have listened to friends and counselors say, “What if I had just said something different?” I have thought those things myself.
At times like that, I remember that Jesus once met a young man who was rich and came asking, “What must I do to inherit eternal life?” The passage in Mark 10:17-27 says that looking on him, Jesus loved him. The Lord told him to sell all his stuff, give the money away, and follow Him. The young man went away sorrowful. I imagine that it was a disappointment to Jesus, to see someone He loved make so wrong a choice.
People make choices, and we are not responsible for them or their choices. We are responsible for sharing the Scriptures with them, loving them, and praying for them–but we are not responsible when they choose to do wrong.
God Makes Choices!
God also makes choices in the lives of our counselees. One passage that every counselor should know is 2 Timothy 2:24-26:
And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will.
It outlines the character and behavior of any one who ministers the Word. It says that we should be patient, kind, gentle, able to teach, and not argumentative. And, as we gently correct the oppositional defiant, we must keep in mind that it is God who grants them repentance and not us.
I cannot make people repent with cunning words skillfully spoken. I cannot choose for them. The sovereign God of the universe has a choice to make in all of this. I know that He chooses in a loving, kind, just, and gracious manner. So, it’s much like my 15-minute medical appointments. We are not alone in the choices that are made in counseling and our responsibility is limited.
Hope Is a Good Thing.
Finally, there is hope. Even when a believer chooses to ignore sound counsel and do wrong, there is still hope. There is hope that eventually they will repent and begin making right choices. In Matthew 21:28-31, Jesus gives us an example of this when he describes the son who initially refuses to do what his father requests, but eventually repents and does it. When a counselee ends counseling and is not doing well, that does not mean that God is finished dealing with His child. As counselors, we can take great hope in that truth. Even if we do not see them again in this life, we have the hope of seeing them in heaven, and that should be a comfort to all who counsel.
Questions for Reflection
Have you struggled when counselees make sinful choices? Who did you talk with about it?
Originally posted on Biblical Counseling Coalition
http://biblicalcounselingcoalition.org/2018/02/19/counseling-the-counselor-when-the-counselee-stumbles/