3 Blessings of Seeing Our Sin

By Edward Welch

Sin Is Heavy

Suffering feels like our biggest problem and avoiding it like our greatest need—but we know that there is something more. Sin is actually our biggest problem, and rescue from it is our greatest need.

There is a link between the two. Suffering exposes the sin in our hearts in a way that few things can. When our lives are trouble free, we can confuse personal satisfaction for faith. We can think that God is good, and we are pleased with him, though we might be pleased less with him than we are with the ease of our lives. Then, when life is hard—especially when life remains hard—the allegiances of our hearts become more apparent. Suffering will reveal sin that still “clings so closely” to us (Heb. 12:1), and sin weighs a lot.

We don’t always like to look at it, but this burden needs to be dealt with. Sin is the heaviest of weights; forgiveness is the greatest deliverance.

See the Weight

Only people who know they have burdens can be delivered from them. Sadly, the method for that deliverance—confession—has been tarnished. We are slow to talk about sin for fear that it could threaten our already fragile egos or label us as judgmental and narrow-minded. But instead of thinking about sin talk as an endless stream of negativity and browbeating, think of it as something good. It is, after all, a part of God’s rescue package that is called the “Good News.”

So though it’s true that sin itself is not good, to see our sin is good. Whereas sin leads down a burden-filled path, Jesus says, “I came that they may have life and have it abundantly” (John 10:10). Confession is essential to that life.

Seeing the weight of our sin brings blessings. Here are three:

1. Seeing the weight of our sin drives us to Jesus.

It is the Spirit’s work to help us see our sin (John 16:8). This drives us to Jesus for forgiveness, and this is very good. Jesus comes for sinners, not the righteous (Matt. 9:13). Conviction of sin shows that we are alive and responsive. Conviction means that we can see ourselves, at least partly, and that is a prerequisite for talking with friends about sins (Matt. 7:3–5).

With no need for mercy, why bother sticking with Jesus? If we look to him merely for deliverance from life’s difficult circumstances, we would do better with Prozac or a little cunning. These, at least in the short term, seem more effective.

2. Seeing the weight of our sin brings humility.

An awareness of sin brings humility—not shame or humiliation—and humility is a brilliant reflection of Jesus to others.

The tax collector, standing far off, would not even lift up his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, “God, be merciful to me, a sinner!” I tell you, this man went down to his house justified, rather than the other. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself will be exalted. (Luke 18:13–14)

Here is a community goal: to be able to identify one pattern of sin in our lives, and to be able to do it with only a moment’s notice any time we are asked.

Sin is the heaviest of weights; forgiveness is the greatest deliverance.

3. Seeing the weight of our sin is the beginning of power and confidence.

When we see our sin, we are seeing the Spirit’s conviction, which means we are witnessing spiritual power, but that power feels different from what we expect. It’s not like worldly power. Spiritual power feels like a struggle, or weakness, or neediness, or desperation. It is simply, “I need Jesus,” which is the most powerful thing we can say. It means that our confidence is not in ourselves or in either our righteousness before God or our reputation before others. Our confidence is in Jesus, and that confidence cannot be shaken. Just imagine: no more hiding from God, no more defensiveness in our relationships. When we have wronged others, we simply ask their forgiveness. Our security in Jesus gives us the opportunity to think less often about what others think of us. It gives us freedom to make mistakes and even fail. No longer do we have to build and protect our own kingdom.

Sins weighs a lot, but those who can see their sins see something good. When we confess these sins, knowing that they are forgiven, we see something better—Jesus himself.

Lay the Weight Down

So we want to grow in seeing sin and confessing it. We want to lay the weight down. But it’s not always easy. Young children confess blatant disobedience—“I’m sorry I threw my dolly at you”—but the ins and outs of that disobedience are lost on them. We, too, can be children. Consider the man caught in pornography whose confession—“I’m sorry, okay?”—doesn’t measure up to a child’s. Such confessions, from an adult, are unbecoming and hurtful. To lay the weight of sin down means looking more carefully at our hearts.

Against you, you only, have I sinned (Ps. 51:4).

Though we don’t always realize it, all sin is personal—it is against God. It is against God and his character. Our sin says, “I want my independence”; “I don’t want to be associated with you”; “I want more than you can offer me”; “I know what is best for me”; or—and this is scary—“I hate you” (James 4:4). We don’t always know we are saying these things, but that is the nature of the heart. There is usually more going on than what we see.

Throughout biblical history, God has graciously let his people see the realities of their hearts. When he liberated his people from Egypt and led them into the desert on the way to a fruitful land, the people grumbled against Moses and Aaron, wondering, as many of us would, why they were being taken out of Egypt only to face other hardships in the desert.

Moses saw clearly: “Your grumbling is not against us but against the Lord” (Ex. 16:8). No one had said a word against God, but in reality they all had. The Lord himself responded to Moses by exposing the truth:

The Lord said to Moses, “How long will this people despise me? And how long will they not believe in me, in spite of all the signs that I have done among them?” (Num. 14:11)

And all they did was a little grumbling during a challenging day.

The New Testament letter from James follows up on this insight (James 4:1–10). James takes us from things that are obvious, such as disputes and quarrels, and then moves to things that are less obvious, such as our out-of-control desires and demands, our unfaithfulness to God, our friendship with both the world and the Devil, and our hatred against God. What has seemed like a perfectly good reason to get ticked off at someone becomes a time for the Spirit to take us into depths we could not see without him.

Let’s keep that understanding of our hearts in mind. Bad behaviors, even those that are culturally acceptable, like a little grumbling, are expressions of our spiritual allegiances. And through confession we invite God’s spotlight on those uneven and divided allegiances.

Confession Is for Everyone, Every Day

We all need to confess, and we need to do it every day (Matt. 6:12). No one is so bad that he or she is beyond forgiveness. Scripture includes murderers (Moses) and schemers (Jacob) and adulterers (David) among God’s people so that no one can say that they are beyond the reach of God’s mercy.

On the other hand, no one is so good that only one or two confessions a year will do. There are things we could confess from any moment in our day, because no one is perfect this side of heaven.

So even though sin weighs a lot, we aim to see it and enjoy the benefits of confession. When we lay it down, we are thankful and find joy in confession, knowing we are already forgiven because Jesus has become our sacrifice, once and for all (Heb. 10:11–14). Our greatest need has been met.

This article is adapted from Side by Side: Walking with Others in Wisdom and Love by Edward T. Welch.

Posted at: https://www.crossway.org/articles/3-blessings-of-seeing-our-sin/

Forgiveness Is Spiritual Warfare

Article by Marshall Segal

Much of our confusion and misery in life is due to our underestimating (or ignoring altogether) the enemy of our souls. Some of us rarely think of Satan and his demons, and if we do, we often downplay their power and influence. Surely, we could overestimate Satan (and many do), but in our day, especially in the West, it seems like he gets less attention and resistance than he deserves.

While the devil is already defeated and his end is sure, he is still “the ruler of this world” (John 12:31), and he still leads “the cosmic powers over this present darkness” and “the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places” (Ephesians 6:12). And he rules and corrupts through deception. “There is no truth in him,” Jesus warns. “When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies” (John 8:44). So, the apostle Paul warns, we must be careful lest we “be outwitted by Satan” or be found “ignorant of his designs” (2 Corinthians 2:11).

What may surprise us is what, in particular, prevents us from being outwitted by Satan. Paul writes, “What I have forgiven, if I have forgiven anything, has been for your sake in the presence of Christ, so that we would not be outwitted by Satan; for we are not ignorant of his designs” (2 Corinthians 2:10–11). Do you want to know what Satan’s schemes are? He wants you to hold a grudge. He wants you to believe vengeance is yours, and not God’s. Forgiveness outwits Satan, and forgiveness subverts his wickedness.

Why Is Forgiveness Hard?

Forgiveness may be the hardest thing many of us do in our lifetimes. I say may, because many suffer and wrestle in horrible ways. But even then, how much of our suffering is owing to someone else’s sins or failures? Because none of us is without sin, forgiveness is simply a given if we want to love and be loved in this life.

“God disarmed Satan and all his armies with costly forgiveness — your forgiveness.”

Forgiveness can be hard because it fights against all the impulses of our flesh: “Did you see how he hurt me? Why would I make myself vulnerable again?” “The pain still feels so fresh and deep — how could I possibly pretend to be okay with her?” “This is the dozenth time he has done this to me. Haven’t I forgiven him enough?” “I’ll never be able to trust her again — how could I possibly forgive her?” What voices keep you from forgiving?

And because forgiveness can be hard, God gives us great reasons to forgive. We forgive because he first forgave us: “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32). We forgive because God crushed his Son for our forgiveness. He canceled “the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands. This he set aside, nailing it to the cross” (Colossians 2:14).

And through that cross (we should not be surprised) “He disarmed the rulers and authorities and put them to open shame, by triumphing over them in him” (Colossians 2:15). God disarmed Satan and all his armies with costly forgiveness — your forgiveness. Knowing who Satan was and what he wants and how he works, God chose to fight instead with a broken body and spilled blood. God chose to forgive. And so we too forgive “so that we would not be outwitted by Satan; for we are not ignorant of his designs.”

Forgiveness as Hostility

Satan loathes forgiveness. Forgiveness offends everything he stands for and fights against. He relentlessly accuses — morning, afternoon, evening, and night — hurling our sins, like stones, against us (Revelation 12:10). Accuser is who he is, and therefore forgiveness is his sworn enemy. Forgiveness contradicts his existence. Forgiveness defies his life’s work. To him, forgiveness is hostility.

For Christians, though, forgiveness is an act of peacemaking, purchased and made possible by the cross. Paul writes,

He himself is our peace, who has made us both one and has broken down in his flesh the dividing wall of hostility by abolishing the law of commandments expressed in ordinances, that he might create in himself one new man in place of the two, so making peace, and might reconcile us both to God in one body through the cross, thereby killing the hostility. (Ephesians 2:14–16)

Hostility died on Calvary’s hill, and peace grew in its place. Paul was speaking specifically about the hostility between Jews and Gentiles (the fiercest and longest-standing hostility of his day), but this peace is for all who claim the cross.

Forgiveness is hostility to Satan because he breeds hostility and despises peace. Therefore, the cross tormented him, a nightmare worse than anything in his wicked imagination. And every act of forgiveness since — every time we defy our flesh and forgive one another in Jesus’s name — is another tremor of that glorious trauma.

If We Withhold Forgiveness

That means to withhold forgiveness is to play into Satan’s hands, to reinforce his war, to join his cause. To withhold forgiveness is an attempted suicide of the soul.

“Maybe the most effective way to wage spiritual warfare today would be for us to more quickly and freely forgive.”

Jesus warns, “If you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matthew 6:14–15). Do you hear the suicide in forgivelessness? If we are too proud or bitter to hold out the hands of forgiveness, God will withdraw his. If we refuse to forgive, he will hold our every sin against us, until we can pay for them all (Matthew 18:35) — and we will never pay for them all. To withhold forgiveness is not only to join Satan in his wickedness, but it is to be left with Satan and his wickedness — miserable, unforgiven, cast into outer darkness.

And Jesus calls us to forgive not just once, but tirelessly. “Pay attention to yourselves!” he warns. “If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him” (Luke 17:3–4). In the previous verse, he threatens awful judgment for any who refuse: “It would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck and he were cast into the sea” (Luke 17:2). Withholding forgiveness, even after having already forgiven someone six times in a day, is a wicked offense to God. So, the wise flee judgment and run to forgive.

Comfort Your Offender

When Paul calls the church in Corinth to forgive, he is likely calling them to forgive a false teacher who rose up to oppose him (2 Corinthians 2:5). This is personal, and likely painful, for him. “Turn to forgive and comfort him,” he says, “or he may be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow” (2 Corinthians 2:7). Can you see Satan wincing? Not only does Paul forgive his offender, but he campaigns for forgiveness, and even beyond forgiveness, for comfort and love: “I beg you to reaffirm your love for him” (2 Corinthians 2:8).

A previous letter of his had evidently led the rebellion to repentance (2 Corinthians 7:9), but some of the people still felt betrayed and ready to punish their leaders (2 Corinthians 2:6). The apostle, however, saw what Satan wanted. With every reason to harbor resentment and hold a grudge, he denied himself, picked up his cross, and forgave. While Satan iced the waters with bitterness and division, Paul warmed them with surprising, compassionate, forgiving love.

He could comfort those who had hurt him because he had been comforted, again and again, by “the Father of mercies and God of all comfort” (2 Corinthians 1:3–4). Have you experienced that comfort? Have you been willing to extend it to those who have hurt you?

Weaponizing Forgiveness

Maybe the most effective way to wage spiritual warfare today would be for us to more quickly and freely forgive. Counselor Ed Welch writes,

Remember, (1) the flesh has a sinful bent toward self-interest. It is committed to the question, “What’s in it for me?” (2) Satan is a liar and divider. Notice that the most explicit biblical teaching on spiritual warfare (Ephesians 6) is found in the book that emphasizes unity. Satan’s most prominent strategy is to fracture and divide. And (3) the world tries to institutionalize these tendencies. (When People Are Big and God Is Small, 196)

“We do not wrestle against flesh and blood” (Ephesians 6:12). Instead, we rush to forgive flesh and blood. And we wrestle “against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places” (Ephesians 6:12). The rulers and authorities of darkness trade in angry grudges. The spiritual forces of evil breed bitterness and dissension. But we, those forgiven by God, defy and defeat them by wielding the precious and dangerous weapon of forgiveness.

Marshall Segal (@marshallsegal) is a writer and managing editor at desiringGod.org. He’s the author of Not Yet Married: The Pursuit of Joy in Singleness & Dating. He graduated from Bethlehem College & Seminary. He and his wife, Faye, have two children and live in Minneapolis.

Posted at: https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/forgiveness-is-spiritual-warfare

Above all These, Put on Love Part 10 (Love Does Not Keep a Record of Wrongs)

Love Doesn’t Keep a Record of Wrongs

Love does not keep a record of wrongs.  Other translations say “Love does not keep score”, “Love takes no account of evil”, “Love is not resentful”, or “Love does not take into account wrongs suffered”.  The Greek is a combination of two words logizomai, which is an accounting term and means “to reckon, count, compute, calculate, count over, or to weigh”.  The other word kakos means “of a bad nature, troublesome or injurious”.  Taken together, these words paint the picture of keeping a tally of the bad, injurious things that have happened to you. But, love does not keep this tally or score.  Love forgives.  At the heart of this facet of love is the idea that a loving person doesn’t dwell on the sins of other people or rehearse wrongs that have happened.  A loving person forgives quickly, consistently, and avoids bitterness.

Colossians 3:13 and Ephesians 4:32 command us to “forgive as the Lord has forgiven you” and “forgive as God has forgiven you in Christ Jesus”.  We are given many word pictures of God’s forgiveness.  Psalm 103:12 tells us God removes our sins “as far as the east is from the west” which is a distance incalculable since the directions go on forever in opposite directions.  Micah 7:19 uses the picture of God casting our sins into the depths of the oceans where they presumably could never be uncovered or dredged up.  Isaiah 43:25 simply says, “I, I am he who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and I will not remember your sins.”  God is so gracious and forgiving that He chooses to remove our sins from our record (keeping no record of wrongs) and chooses to not even remember them.  That is a picture of love!

When we are sinned against and experience a hurt, we have two choices.  We can choose to forgive or we can choose to not forgive and allow bitterness to take root and begin to grow.  Our response to being hurt, like all other responses, comes from our heart.  We reveal what we treasure in our hearts most when we are hurt and suffering.  It is easier to forgive if the offender admits he was wrong and asks for forgiveness.  That doesn’t remove the hurt or even make up for the hurt, but most of us feel better if the wrongdoer admits it.  When a sinner repents, we can be honest that the hurt was real, there was a cost to the sin that must be absorbed by the hurt person, and it is a choice to not hold the sinner accountable for his sin.  Some sins are easier to forgive in this way than others.  A one time harsh word is easier to forgive and not keep a record of than being on the receiving end of an angry, abusive parent for 18 years or married to an oppressive spouse for 20 or more years.  There is so much more to forgiveness in these long term situations that I will not address that here.  Please seek biblical counsel for long term abusive situations and allow a counselor to guide you through forgiveness.  Forgiveness is an event, meaning it needs to happen as a decisive point where forgiveness is granted, but is also an ongoing event, meaning that when a memory or thought of the sin comes back the forgiver must choose to forgive again and again.  Luke 17:4 is clear, when someone repents, a believer in Christ must forgive.  When forgiveness is asked for and granted, this completes the reconciliation process and the relationship is restored.  The promise to forgive contains three parts.  First, forgiveness is the promise to not dwell on or think about the offense anymore.  Second, forgiveness is the promise to not talk to other people about the offense.  Third, forgiveness promises to not bring up the offense to the offender, unless the same type of sin comes up again and this offense is used as an example of the greater pattern and is helpful in bringing the sinner back to repentance.

This facet of love clearly states that the loving response to being sinned against is forgiveness.  So what if the person who sinned against you does not admit wrong and does not ask for forgiveness?  True reconciliation requires repentance and forgiveness. Scripture tells us to forgive as God forgives us.  We must repent to be reconciled to God.  We must turn from our sin and place our hope and trust in Christ as Savior and Lord.  Reconciliation is dependent on this transaction of asking for forgiveness and the offended person offering forgiveness.  This is how we are reconciled to God.  However, sadly, many times the offender does not repent and does not even admit wrongdoing.  How do we then forgive?  Romans 12:9-21 gives clear direction.  

“Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.  Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord.  Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.  Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality.

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly.  Never be wise in your own sight. Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”  To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”

Working our way from the end of this passage backwards, forgiveness in the hurt person’s heart starts with trusting God and God’s justice.  We are called to leave vengeance to God.  God is a just God.  He does not ignore sin.  God hates sin and must punish it because He is holy.  Holiness cannot overlook evil.  Sin is either paid for through Christ’s blood shed on the cross or will be paid for by the sinner in eternal separation from God.  If the person who sinned against you is a believer, Christ has paid the price for that sin.  God has wiped that sin away because His wrath was satisfied by Christ making payment for the sin.  When we realize God has already forgiven a believer’s sin, who are we to not forgive?  Is your justice more right than God’s?  Are your standards better than God’s?  Is Christ’s sacrifice enough for this sin?  To be unforgiving reveals your heart in this matter.  Can you trust God to deal with this sin?  God is all-knowing, all-wise, all-good, all-just, and only He can discern the motives and intentions of the heart perfectly.  

So, if the one who sinned against you is unwilling to repent, we are called to trust God with the hurt and forgive by continuing to love that person well.  The relationship is not reconciled fully as it would be if transactional repentance and forgiveness had happened.  Yet, we are called to forgive in our hearts, trusting God that He has purpose in the hurt and we are called to love even our enemies.  We’ve been describing what love looks like for many pages, and will keep on going.  All these aspects of love apply, even to someone who has wronged you and not repented.  Romans 12 tells us that by loving them “you will heap burning coals on his head”.  This has a few different interpretations by Bible scholars.  Matthew Henry offers both takes on this.  First, it could mean "melt him into repentance and friendship, and mollify his spirit towards thee”.  By being kind, patient, loving, providing for your enemy, you might be an agent God uses to bring this person to repentance.  The love could open his eyes to his sin and he would repent as he sees what Christ has done in your heart.  Or, Matthew Henry says "It will aggravate his condemnation, and make his malice against thee the more inexcusable.”  After seeing Christ’s love in action through a loving person, this person will be without excuse and further bring judgment on themselves.

As you continue to look at Romans 12 we see that forgiveness is extended by meeting the sinner’s needs and responding with honor even in the face of bad treatment.  It means seeking to make peace which might be gently pointing out the sin and calling the sinner to repent. Just because you seek peace doesn’t mean it will happen, but love is willing to try.  Romans 12 tells us to be patient in the affliction and to pray, both for our hearts to forgive and for the sinner.  While a fully reconciled relationship requires the transaction of repentance and forgiveness, the offended party is still called to forgive and continue to love the sinner.  (Again, there are some so abusive and power oriented relationships that sometimes the injured party must love from afar, so please seek biblical counsel if necessary.)

Bitterness is the opposite of forgiveness.  I said at the beginning of this section, there are two choices: to forgive or not to forgive and allow bitterness to take root.

Bitterness is the result of not forgiving in your heart.  Bitterness is what Romans 12 would call, “being overcome by evil.”  Being bitter is letting the other person’s sin overcome you.

In his booklet “Bitterness: The Root that Pollutes”, Lou Priolo says don’t allow your offender’s sin to overcome you.

You may not retreat.

You may not surrender.

You may not give up.

You may not throw in the towel.

You may not wimp out.

You may not allow his evil to prevail against you.

You may not allow his sin against you to provoke you to sin.

So how do you know if you are bitter?  Lou Priolo again shows us some possible actions that reveal a bitter heart.

*Thoughts of resentment toward your offender.

*Telling yourself things like “He’ll never change” or “I just can’t put up with the  person any longer.”

*Unnecessarily limiting the scope of your communication because of unsuccessful attempts to resolve conflicts with him in the past.

*Allowing anger to keep you from confronting him biblically.

*Allowing yourself to become sinfully angry, anxious, or depressed about the ways in which he has hurt you.

*Allowing your ‘hurt feelings’ to keep you from fulfilling your biblical responsibilities - especially toward the person at whom you are bitter.

*Resorting to sinful, retaliatory actions such as:

• Abusive speech

• Gossip

• Name-calling

• Pouting

• Quarreling

• Slander

• Sulking

• Temper tantrums

• Threats

• Withdrawal

If you have any one of these, you are allowing sin to overcome you and are allowing bitterness to take root in your heart.   Which of these do you see in your life? How have you allowed someone else’s sin to overcome you?

Bitterness affects relationships in many ways.  When you dwell on someone’s sin, you are hardening your heart and that always impacts your thoughts, words, and interactions with others, and not just the person who offended you.  As bitterness grows within you, you start to distrust others and are quicker to anger, especially in areas related to how you have been sinned against.  It becomes easy to assume the worst of others’ intentions and be guarded rather than reaching out in love.  A bitter person is usually impatient.  A bitter person is quick to find faults with others.  A bitter person may use sinful speech in sarcasm or condescending words.  A bitter person may withdraw and avoid contact with people.  Bitter people tend to lack joy because bitterness (focusing on how you have been hurt) brings you down.  Bitter people often have trouble submitting to authority because they assume others are trying to prevent them from good things.  Bitterness separates you from God because you are not thankful for your salvation in Christ as manifested by not forgiving as you have been forgiven. Bitterness separates you from God because you are not embracing His sovereignty over man and you are not surrendering to how God uses suffering in your life.

Stop and do an inventory of your relationships.  Which of these evidences of bitterness apply to you?  What sins have been done to you that you are holding onto?

Bitterness begins in your thoughts.  When you dwell on past offenses you allow the root of bitterness to take hold.  So the first step in your journey out of bitterness is to repent of your sinful thoughts.  This is recognizing that your thoughts about past sins is sinful. You are now sinning in response to what has happened to you.  This is sin against God.  You are judging God’s wisdom and goodness in what suffering He has allowed in your

life.  After confessing your sin and asking for forgiveness, you must turn away from this type of thinking and replace it with loving thoughts.  So, you must decisively choose forgive now.  And then, when the temptation to think about past offenses comes up, you must again ask God to help you forgive and take thoughts captive.  It is a choice to think about things that are true, right, honorable, lovely, pure, admirable, and things worthy of praise (Philippians 4:8).

So what does that look like when you are thinking about how you have been treated unfairly or when you have been hurt by someone?

True thoughts - God is sovereign. What man means for evil, God means for good (Genesis 50:20).  God has purpose in all our suffering (Romans 5:1-5).  Jesus, who was perfect, paid for your sins (2 Corinthians 5:21).  Are you concerned about fairness?  Things that are true conform to reality.  God defines reality as the Creator.  How he tells us to think and live are ultimate truths.

Right thoughts - You have been forgiven by the blood of Christ (Ephesians 1:7).  You are called to forgive others because you have been forgiven (Ephesians 4:31).  The one who sinned might see Christ in you and repent to God (Romans 12:20).  God is righteous.  Things that conform to God’s will are righteous.

Lovely thoughts - The way Christ had compassion and patience is beautiful and lovely.  The way Christ chose to be humble and take on human form, the form of a servant, and was obedient to death is lovely (Philippians 2).  When you become like Christ, you are lovely (1 Peter 3:3-4). Lovely is the beauty of God’s character on display.

Pure thoughts - Patient, kind, contented, selfless, humble, forgiving thoughts are pure (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).  The idea of something being pure means it doesn’t have impurities in it.  It is 100% what it should be.  Psalm 86:11 is a prayer to God to “unite my heart to fear Your Name”.  Pure thoughts are focused on God and His way.

Admirable thoughts - What do you admire?  Admiration is given to those who are regarded well and thought highly of.  Christ is our example to follow (John 13:15).  When Jesus washed His disciples feet, He said we would be blessed if we followed His example (John 13:17).  Admirable thoughts consider how you can serve others well.

Changing your thoughts is the first step.  

Second, do good.  What will you do to continue to show love to the people around you, even those who have sinned against you?  

**See “Bitterness: The Root that Pollutes” by Lou Priolo

Application:

1. What aspects of “love keeps no record of wrongs” stood out to you?

2. What past hurts do you dwell on?   Make a list of offenses that still replay in your thinking.

3. Repent.  Confess that these thoughts are sin.  Agree with God that you are judging Him in allowing these hurts to have happened.  Commit to trust God’s plan for your suffering and surrender to His plan for your life.  Ask God to help you forgive.  Commit to take those thoughts captive. 

4. What thinking do you need to change?  Be specific.  Look at the list of offenses you listed out.  For each one, write out what Philippians 4:8 thinking will look like.

5. What loving actions do you need to put on?  Look back at the ways that bitterness shows itself.  Do you need to re-engage in a relationship?  Do you need to speak encouraging words rather than sarcasm?  As you read back through the descriptions, ask God to reveal to you how you have harbored bitterness in your heart.

God’s Forgiveness to Us: Unconditional?

BY BRAD HAMBRICK 

This article is one post in a series entitled “When Talking about Forgiveness.”

Let’s return to the phrase “as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32). How we interpret this phrase will determine whether our conversations about forgiveness are a healing balm or an infection to a wound.

This phrase also means that everything we say about forgiveness is a direct reflection of the character of God. We often articulate this truth one way – “We are never more like Christ than when we forgive” – without understanding the inverse implication of this truth – “How we understand forgiveness is how we portray Christ.” If our life goal is to be more like Christ and make Christ known, this discussion has life-permeating implications.

From my experience in talking with people, this phrase about God’s forgiveness has the profound implications for someone’s spiritual-relational-emotional health.

• Some use this phrase to treat God like a blank check writing grandfather. They tend to be enablers who are really “nice” people who have a hard time taking a stand on anything important… because… you know… love.

• Others use it as a “break only in case of emergency” clause in the salvation contract. These tend to be legalists with strong convictions who have the integrity to be just as hard on themselves as they are on everybody else.

• Some go so theologically “deep” with phrases like this that everything becomes “muddy.” These are people who believe God is most satisfied when the masses are most confused.

• Others stare at it in bewilderment. They don’t know what it means, so they just do the best they can in any given situation and try not to blame God for much of anything that goes wrong?

Before we reflect further, which of these describes you best? Self-awareness is an essential part of biblical application. If we don’t see ourselves accurately, then we are likely to misapply the Bible to our lives.

Now let’s engage the question that is behind the bulleted examples above.

Is God’s Forgiveness Unconditional?

Does the fact that there is no sin so great that it is beyond God’s ability to forgive mean that “unconditional” is the best adjective to describe God’s forgiveness? No, this truth is about God’s capacity to forgive. It is limitless. That is different from unconditional.

Does the reality that God delights in forgiving mean that his forgiveness is “unconditional”? No, this truth is about God’s willingness to forgive. It brings him the most joy (Luke 15:7). That is different from unconditional.

Do we get to set the terms of relationship with God? No. Unless we repent (a condition) God does not forgive. God is not mocked (Galatians 6:7). We can’t fake God out with tears or sorrowful language that is void of fruit in keeping with repentance (Matthew 3:7-10). If we try to convince God our sin is not wrong (changing the conditions), God doesn’t budge. God admitted that the terms he sets are narrow (Matthew 7:14). Those who will not accept God’s terms, even if they try to play nice with God, eventually run out of chances to accept his offer (Matthew 7:21-23).

God is infinitely generous in his forgiveness, but he is not unconditional. We have no reason to fear our sincere request for forgiveness will be denied. But we should have no sense of entitlement or cavalier attitude towards God’s forgiveness.

God’s Condition of Forgiveness is Lordship.

God’s forgiveness is not an “ollie, ollie oxen free” for everyone to go back to playing the game of life like they were before. God’s forgiveness is an invitation to a new way of life. Those who reject this new way of life, reject the terms of forgiveness.

Let’s return to our simple definition of forgiveness – cancelling a debt. God is not a banker who cancels a debt and says, “Keep running your business in the way that led to bankruptcy. Better luck next time.” God will cancel the debt and says “Call me Lord. Follow the plan I have for life.” If you are committed to bankruptcy, the most loving thing God can do is limit how far into debt you go.

What Does this Mean for Us?

We will draw two implications from this reflection: one vertical and one horizontal.

First, vertically, we have no reason to fear God withholding forgiveness. No one who owns the wrongfulness of their sin, accepts Christ’s payment for their sin, and embrace their need to follow Jesus as Lord will be denied. God understands his children follow him like clumsy toddlers. We fall often. But he delights when we follow him like children who imitate a loving father (Ephesians 5:1). Our soul can rest in this.

Second, horizontally, if God is not duped when he forgives, we do not have to fear being forced into foolish forgiveness based on a theological technicality. We will not forgive perfectly like God forgives.

• We do not know the heart of the person we’re forgiving like God does.

• Our ability to remove our hurt from the forefront of our mind is not like God’s.

• Our desire to forgive is not as constant and benevolent as God’s.

• Our ability to be hurt again may make the restoration process slower than it is for an omni-powerful God who has no relational needs.

These things may mean our forgiveness is a process – like every other part of our spiritual life. But, too often, our fear that forgiving will unwisely places us in a position to be hurt again causes us to resist the possibility of forgiving. Much of this mistrust is rooted in the misunderstanding of God’s forgiveness being unconditional. We begin to think God is being weak and foolish, and therefore, is calling us to be weak and foolish like him.

God is not a fool and he does forgive. God does not ask us to be a fool, but he does ask us to forgive. As we reflect further in this series, we will seek to further separate forgiveness from folly. The purpose of this reflection was simply to help you be able to trust that God’s call to forgive is not an expectation that you be relationally reckless.

Questions for Reflection

1. What are examples of when you’ve used the idea of God’s forgiveness being unconditional misapplied? When was the other person trying to say something accurate, but not being precise with their words? When was the person misrepresenting God’s forgiveness?

2. What are the greatest points of comfort and reassurance that you took from this reflection?

Posted at: http://bradhambrick.com/forgiveness09/

3 Things Not to Forgive

Brad Hambrick

It can be easy to fall into the “to a man with a hammer everything looks like a nail” trap when talking about forgiveness. We can get so excited about forgiveness that we start to forgive everything that annoys us. Would anything be wrong with that? Yes.

Take a moment, before you read further, and brainstorm. What are things that bother or annoy you but don’t need forgiveness? Relationally healthy people can create a long list of answers to this question.

• Chewing your food too loud

• Forgetting someone’s name

• Leaving unwashed dishes in the sink

• Vibrating your leg so that is shakes the next chair

• Saying “I’m sorry” after every awkward moment

• Being an exaggerative hand talker

• Having the sniffles and refusing to blow your nose

• Not standing to one side on an escalator

• Putting the milk carton back in the fridge nearly empty

• Wearing too much cologne or perfume

• Not replacing an empty toilet paper roll

• Unnecessarily TYPING IN ALL CAPS (I’m testing you)

• Standing too close in a checkout line

• Incessantly clicking a pen

• Heating fish in the microwave at work

• Creating excessively long lists to prove a point

• Starting group texts (okay, this one may require forgiveness)

What are things that bother or annoy you but don’t need forgiveness? Relationally healthy people can create a long list of answers to this question.

The entire premise of this reflection is: we forgive sin, but we excuse mistakes. Oopsies don’t need to be forgiven. We shouldn’t cry (or yell) over spilled milk, nor should we forgive the spiller of milk.

When we try to use forgiveness as the method to resolve relational irritants that are not moral in nature, several bad things happen.

• We establish our preferences as the moral standard for our spouse – pride.

• We begin to feel as if we forgive more than we are forgiven – self-righteousness.

• We gain an increasingly negative view of our spouse – judgmental.

• Our marriage begins to be built around an elaborate number of rules – performance-based acceptance.

• We begin to feel as if God were asking too much of us – God-fatigue.

To help us not over-apply the practice of forgiveness, here are three categories of relational strain which do not call for a response of forgiveness.

1. Human Weakness

Being clumsy, being weak with a particular aptitude, experiencing the limitation of a physical illness or injury, succumbing to the degenerative influence of aging, immaturity in a child, and similar experiences are weaknesses. These things can be frustrating, but they’re not sinful. Therefore, they don’t need to be forgiven.

The appropriate response to human weakness is compassion, patience, and assistance. Friends should be able to discuss the impact that each other’s weaknesses has on the other. Taking these conversations out of the “moral sphere” decreases the sense of shame commonly associated with our weaknesses. One of the most trust building aspects of any relationship is the freedom to acknowledge our weakness and be loved anyway.

2. Differences in Personality or Perspective

Being extroverted vs. introverted, optimistic vs. pessimistic, cautious vs. adventurous, concrete vs. abstract, and organized vs. fluid are all examples of difference in personality or perspective. These differences impact a relationship in many ways, but they are not moral, and, therefore, do not need to be forgiven.

The appropriate response to differences in personality or perspective is appreciation, learning, and cooperation. Well-managed and humbly discussed differences promote an iron-sharpening-iron dynamic within a relationship (Proverbs 27:17). Placing moral weight on differences in personality creates a sense of shame.

3. Attempting to Do Something and Failing

There are plenty of times when we will try to do something nice for a friend (i.e., cook a meal we haven’t prepared before, help with home repair, etc.) and fail in the attempt to bless them. These moments may elicit a sense of disappointment, but they are not moral, and, therefore, do not need to be forgiven.

The appropriate response to differences in these instances is affirmation and encouragement. Attempting to do a good thing and failing should still be viewed as a good thing. It is at least two steps ahead of attempting to do a bad thing and failing, and one step ahead of being passive.

Responding to these unsuccessful attempts to do good is an essential part of creating an atmosphere where both friends feel free to take healthy relational risks. The freedom to fail is an important part of any healthy relationship. Over-applying forgiveness can throttle this freedom.

Questions for Reflection

1. Which negative effects of over-applying forgiveness (pride, self-righteousness, judgmental, performance-based acceptance, God-fatigue) are you most prone towards?

2. What is an example of when it would have been easy for you to moralize a moment of weakness, difference in personality, or unsuccessful attempt to do a good thing by offering forgiveness to resolve the tension of the moment?

Posted at: http://bradhambrick.com/forgiveness04/

5 Things Forgiveness is Not

Brad Hambrick

Sometimes the most loving way to engage a subject (that is, a topic like forgiveness) is to set someone’s (that is, a person who has been hurt) mind at ease. With children, this might sound like, “You’ve got a doctor’s appointment today, but don’t worry, you don’t have to get any shots.” It is reasonable to associate doctors with needles, but it easier to go to the doctor if you know there won’t be any needles this time (even for my children’s father).

Similarly, it can be helpful to set our mind at ease about a few things related to forgiveness. This reflection is all about, “We need to talk about forgiveness, but don’t worry, forgiveness doesn’t mean [blank].” We are going to talk about five common fears associated with forgiveness that can go in that blank.

If after reading this article you’re willing to say, “Well, if forgiveness isn’t the same thing as [blank], then I am willing to consider it,” then this reflection will have accomplished everything it set out to do.

1. Forgiveness Is Not Pretending We’re Not Hurt

If we conceive of forgiveness as pretending, then forgiveness becomes a synonym for being fake. Forgiveness becomes a form of self-imposed silencing. This loss of voice only compounds the painful effect of whatever offense has already been committed against us. Forgiveness is not pretending.

Simply stated – but simpler to say than to live – forgiveness is what allows us to express hurt as hurt rather than hurt as anger. Even after we forgive, hurt still hurts. If the person who hurt us gets upset with us for still hurting, they haven’t really repented.

Forgiveness is what allows us to express hurt as hurt rather than hurt as anger.CLICK TO TWEET

Too often we view forgiveness as the culmination of a journey. When I say, “I forgive you,” I am not saying, “Things are all better now.” I am saying, “I have decided I will relate to your offense towards me differently.” Forgiveness is the start of a new journey. Forgiveness doesn’t erase the past.

When you forgive, you are not making a commitment not to hurt. You are making a commitment about what you will do with hurt when it flares up.

2. Forgiveness Is Not Letting Someone Off the Hook

When we let someone off the hook, we are saying that nothing else needs to be done. It’s the equivalent of someone eating your lunch out of the office fridge, offering to buy you lunch, and you saying, “That’s okay. I needed to diet anyway.” That is letting someone off the hook.

But when God forgives us, he does not assume we are a “finished product.” God remains active in our life to remove the sin he forgave. Forgiveness is meant to change us, not leave us as we were. Similarly, when we forgive someone it is right to expect that this grace will have an impact on them. If someone does not agree about the wrongness and weight of the sin we’re forgiving, then the most forgiveness can do is set us free from bitterness and not create relational restoration.[1]

3. Forgiveness Is Not Making an Excuse for Someone

Sometimes we resist forgiving because we do not want to ratify a perceived downgrade in the significance of the offense. Forgiveness is not a downgrade. Forgiveness does not reclassify an offense from a sin to a mistake. Mistakes are excused. Sins are forgiven.

Forgiveness inherently classifies an offense at the top level of wrongness. When we say, “I forgive you,” we are saying, “The only thing that could make right what you did was Jesus’s substitutionary death on the cross.” For someone wanting to excuse their sin, real forgiveness is offensive (I Corinthian 1:18-31).

4. Forgiveness Is Not Forgetting

We will devote an entire reflection in this series to the misguided notion of “forgive and forget.” Here we will merely try to assuage the fear that you will be pressured in that direction during this series. Many of us wish it were possible to forget our most painful experiences. Spiritual dementia towards our pain sounds blissful.

Forgiveness doesn’t unwrite history. Jesus both cried out “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34), and inspired the recording of the events that led to his death. Forgiveness did not unwrite history or mitigate any of the benefits of learning from history. As we’ve all been told, “Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it.” Whatever vulnerability true forgiveness brings, it is not the vulnerability of naivety.

Whatever vulnerability true forgiveness brings, it is not the vulnerability of naivety.CLICK TO TWEET

So, what does forgiveness mean you are committing to do with your memories, fears, and imagination? Forgiveness does not add anything new to how you respond to your memories, fears, and imagination that wisdom did not already advise before you forgave.

We want to have a wise relationship with our memories. We want to mitigate the torment caused by painful, intrusive memories. We want to learn any lessons about wise trust our painful memories can teach us. We want to prevent mistrust from spreading to relationships in which it is not warranted. We want forgiveness to be part of what God does to contribute to our flourishing “from here” (even if “here” is a place we still wish we were never traveling from).

5. Forgiveness Is Not Necessarily Trust or Reconciliation

You may remember geometry class in high school. You were taught “all squares are rectangles, but not all rectangles are squares.” A similar relationship exists between forgiveness and trust or reconciliation; “All trust and reconciliation are rooted in forgiveness, but not all forgiveness results in trust and reconciliation.”

When we don’t realize this then saying, “I forgive you,” implies things are “back to normal,” and normal is what got us hurt. No thank you!

In future reflections, we will consider when reconciliation is wise and what trust development looks like after a major offense. For now, all you need to realize is that the decision to forgive and the decision to trust or resume a “normal” (i.e., as things were) relationship are two different decisions. The first does not necessitate the second. If you are being pressured to believe that forgiving requires trusting, this is reason to push pause on movement towards reconciliation of that relationship.

Questions for Reflection

1. What fears did this reflection help you most set aside? What experiences prompted these fears and made this reflection necessary?

2. What changes when you realize that accepting real forgiveness, which comes with an accurate assessment of the wrong done, is actually offensive to a non-repentant person?

Posted at: http://bradhambrick.com/forgiveness02/

How and When God Forgives

Colin Smith

Forgiveness is a fruit of life in Christ. This is a distinguishing mark of all who are in Christ, which is why the Lord teaches us to pray in the Lord’s Prayer: “Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us” (Matthew 6:12).  

With this in mind, think with me for a moment about how and when God forgives. God forgives: 

1. where wrong has been done 
2. when repentance begins 
3. because atonement has been made 

1. God forgives where wrong has been done. 

If I were to say to you, “I forgive you,” you would reasonably say, “Whatever for? I haven’t done anything for you to forgive!” Forgiveness is only appropriate, it is only meaningful, when a wrong has been done.

When God forgives us, it means we’ve wronged Him. Every sin in your life and mine is a personal offence against God. Saul of Tarsus was on a campaign in which he hurt people, and the risen Christ appeared to him on the road to Damascus and said, “Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me?”

Forgiveness can only happen when a wrong has been done. We have wronged God. Thank God, He forgives. 

2. God forgives where wrong has been done, when repentance begins. 

The story of the prodigal son makes this clear. The son goes off on a journey of rebellion, and when he comes to his senses, he says to himself, “I will go to my father.” 

The boy has a change of heart, and he begins the long journey home. Remember what happens: The father sees him from a distance and runs out to meet him. Rather than wait, he runs to him. Why? God embraces us with mercy and forgiveness at the first sign of repentance. 

Repenting is a process that every believer begins, but none of us completes, in this life. Our repentance towards God is at best a small part of what it should be. Thank God, He forgives when our repentance begins, not when it is complete. Without this none of us would ever be forgiven.

But friends, remember this: there is no forgiveness without repentance. 

There is no forgiveness without repentance. God does not forgive unrepentant sinners. He loves them, and that is what He calls us to do, “Love your enemies, pray for those who persecute you.”

Why does he say that? Because that’s the way God loves sinners. God does not say, “Forgive your enemies.” He says, “Love them. Pray for them.” Because that is what God Himself does. He laid down His life for us while we were yet sinners (Romans 5:8). 

“Forgiving the Unrepentant Person” 

You often hear Christians talk about “forgiving the unrepentant person.” They say, “You must do it for your own sake, so your life is not controlled by another person.” 

But in asking you to forgive the unrepentant person, they’re asking you to do something that God Himself never does, and in the process, they’re changing the nature of what repentance is. God’s forgiveness always effects a restored relationship. 

Forgiveness involves the reconciling of two people—one who repents and the other who forgives. I believe, as a pastor, that it is a great mistake to tell people that they must forgive where there is no repentance. 

God forgives at the first sign of our repentance, and where forgiveness and repentance meet a relationship is restored. He does not say to us “Forgive your enemies.” He says to us, “Love your enemies.” 

3. God forgives where wrong has been done, when repentance begins, because atonement has been made. 

There is a sense in which God is the only being in the universe who cannot forgive. For us who are sinners, it is reasonable to be indulgent, lenient, and forgiving towards others whose wrongs may not be very different from our own. 

But God is holy. God sees sin in all the ugliness that it is. God is light and in Him is no darkness at all. Every time someone says, “I know God has forgiven me, but I can’t forgive myself,” I want to ask: “Are you saying that it’s easier for God to forgive you, than it is for you to forgive yourself?” James Denny says: 

If there should turn out, after all, to be such a thing as a Divine forgiveness of sins, we may be sure it will be such a forgiveness as carries the Divine condemnation and destruction of sin at the heart of it. 

That is precisely what we find at the cross. God’s forgiveness flows from the destruction and condemnation of sin in the atoning death of His Son, Jesus Christ, as He bore our sins at Calvary. 

Whenever there is an injury, there will always be something in the human spirit that cries out, “What about justice?” The Christian answer is that justice has been poured out on Jesus. 

The cross makes forgiveness possible. God forgives where wrong has been done, when repentance begins, because atonement has been made. 

How can I get to forgiveness? 

Satan can get us so focused on one sin, one problem, one issue that we want to overcome. How do I get over my fear? How can I prevail over this lust? There you are, standing right next to the hurdle, and you can’t get over from that position. You have to begin further back, so you can get a run at it and get some momentum. 

You can’t begin with forgiving other people, but you have to go back and begin with your own need to be forgiven. How’s that relevant? The very beginning is seeing my own need of forgiveness.

As I began to reflect on what the Bible says about getting to the place where you can forgive, I realized that everything we need to know is brought together in Ephesians 4. 

Posted at: https://unlockingthebible.org/2019/12/how-when-god-forgives/

Six Strides Toward Forgiveness

Colin Smith

We are looking today at the subject of forgiveness. To forgive a person who has hurt you deeply may be the greatest challenge you ever face and the greatest gift you ever give.

Imagine standing right next to a hurdle on a racetrack. You are right up against it. You can’t jump a hurdle from a standing start. It’s impossible. It can’t be done. You have to take a run at it.

This, to me, has been one of the most important things I have learned about the Christian life, and it is at the heart of our series. All progress in the Christian life is made by the momentum of our spiritual health.

So, here are six strides you can take toward forgiveness:

1. Remember that the Holy Spirit lives in you.

…the Holy Spirit by whom you were sealed. (Ephesians 4:30)

Progress towards forgiveness begins here: The Spirit of God lives in you.

You may have experienced hurts and wounds that are incredibly hard to forgive, hurts that I know nothing about, hurts that are deeper than anything I’ve ever experienced. Here’s what you need to know: No one has had more to forgive than God.

Think how much God has had to forgive: Every sin you have ever committed is a sin against Him. Each of these sins played a part in the awful suffering of God’s Son. That is true, not only of your sins, but of every sin of every believer who has ever lived.

Think how much God has had to forgive, and He has done it! And His Spirit lives in you!! When you look at an offense, and forgiveness seems impossible, take a step back, get some distance, and begin your run here.

2. Don’t dwell on the injury.

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger… be put away from you. (Ephesians 4:31)

Bitterness, wrath, and anger all come from nursing a grievance. Someone has wronged you, and your mind keeps going over it, and over it, and over it again. All of us know about this in our own experience.

You keep thinking about it—how wrong it was, how hurtful it is. But every time you think about it, you are stoking a fire within your own soul of anger and bitterness.

Bitterness and anger are fires that need to be fed. Stop feeding them. When your mind goes back to that stuff, say to yourself, “There are better things to fill my mind with than this.”

With the help of the Holy Spirit, set your mind on something else—whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise. You have the power to do this if you are a Christian because God’s Spirit lives in you.

3. Don’t fight and quarrel.

Let… clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. (Ephesians 4:31)

When a relationship is in trouble, fighting and quarreling over who did what or who said what can make it worse. “The Lord’s servant must not quarrel” (2 Timothy 2:24). Quarreling stokes the fire of bitterness and anger, putting you further from the forgiveness you’re trying to cultivate.

Put clamor and slander away from you: I am not to sit at the breakfast table or go around talking to other people about what that person has done or about what a terrible person he or she is.

Put away all malice: Malice is the desire that the person who hurt you will get what they deserve.

These are the negatives, and they are very important. There are certain things that make forgiveness impossible. If you keep doing them, you will not be able to forgive.

4. Have compassion on the one who has hurt you.

Be kind to one another, tender-hearted… (Ephesians 4:32)

This is especially important with a person who has wronged you and still has no idea what he or she has done. They’re completely unrepentant—they have not taken ownership. They have no sense of responsibility. They’re blind to what they’re doing, and to the pain they’re causing.

Well, if this person is blind, then you should have pity. When you see a person walking on the street who’s completely blind, do you want to run up and kick their cane away? No!

Jesus became the merciful, tenderhearted, compassionate high priest He is through what He suffered (Hebrews 2:17). That means suffering can produce hardness of heart, but it can also produce great tenderness! Pain made Him the kind of high priest that you can come to.

If you have experienced great pain through the sins of another person, if something can hurt this much, then use your pain as fuel for compassion.

When Jesus saw the crowds, He had compassion on them, because they were like sheep without a shepherd (Matthew 9:36). They didn’t even know they were lost! The person who has sinned against you may be just like that. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted.

5. Realize that you will need the forgiveness of others.

Forgiving one another… (Ephesians 4:32)

God does not tell us here that we should forgive someone who has hurt us.

He says that we should forgive one another. What does that tell us? There will be things that you need to forgive in others, and you can be absolutely certain that there will be things that others need to forgive in you.

Here’s something that you will find to be true: It is impossible to say from the heart “Lord, have mercy on me,” and at the same, to refuse mercy to another person in your heart. Realizing your own need of continuing forgiveness will help you to take another stride towards forgiving.

6. Savor your forgiveness in Christ.

Forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you… (Ephesians 4:32)

God’s forgiveness is both the model of our forgiving and the motive of our forgiving. So, the Apostle draws our attention to the way in which we have been forgiven by God.

Think about how God has forgiven you. Turn this over in your mind. God has forgiven me in Christ. He did it gladly, freely and fully. This forgiveness us undeserved, it is irreversible, and it is eternal.

God has forgiven me in love and mercy, out of an agony of heart, shrouded in darkness at Calvary, and I will never fully understand that pain, even in all eternity.

Savor your forgiveness in Christ. Appreciate it. Enjoy it. Let this priceless gift of God that you have received move your heart to worship, wonder, love, and praise. Forgive one another as God in Christ forgave you.

Practice the six strides and your seventh will take you over the hurdle of forgiveness.

Here’s what you do with regard to a person who has hurt you badly, and is completely unaware of what he or she has done: Take these six strides on the path of mercy, and you will be ready at any moment to forgive.

Forgiveness will already be in your freed heart, ready to be released. You will be ready to place it in the hands of the one who has wronged you when he or she is ready to receive the gift.

And this is how Jesus Christ is towards you today: Ready to forgive whatever in your life needs to be forgiven. He is kind and tender-hearted. He has compassion on you. His nail-pierced hands are stretched out towards you today. Whatever you see that needs to be forgiven, He is ready to forgive as you come to Him.

If you believe that this is true, why would you not come to Him in repentance today?

Posted at: https://unlockingthebible.org/2019/12/six-strides-forgiveness/

What to Do When a Memory of Sin Paralyzes You

by Jason Meyer

I’ve been married for 19 years, and I have many happy memories with my wife. Cara is my best friend by far. We especially enjoy looking back and reliving some of our favorite dates together.

One treasured memory is the time I found out she once dreamed about being in the Air Force. By that point in our relationship, I had learned to plan dates we would both enjoy rather than dates only I would enjoy—no extra charge for that little piece of advice. One of my close friends was a pilot, and I asked him if he could take us flying. He delivered in a big way. He flew us to a nearby regional airport, I took her to a Mexican restaurant, and he flew us back. I have a picture of Cara and me standing next to the plane, and we both have beaming smiles. I love to look at that picture and relive the date.

Memories can be a precious gift that allow us to enjoy the same event multiple times. But our memories can also be a curse.

Curse of Memory

One of the most painful moments of my life came during premarital counseling. I tearfully told Cara (my fiancée at that time) about some of my past pornography usage. By God’s grace, porn was no longer a problem in my life, but it was an issue in my past. I wanted her to know the truth about my old struggle, and I earnestly desired her forgiveness for that sin. I will never forget seeing the pain etched on her face. She freely forgave me, but it was a heart-wrenching for both of us.

For several days, I struggled to apply the gospel to my situation. I wanted to beat myself up. I remembered the pain on Cara’s face, and I replayed it in my mind over and over. I raked myself over the coals again and again for the bad choices I’d made years before.

Don’t sit in your sin. Take it on a journey all the way back to the cross and see it nailed there.

Our memories can serve as a kind of time machine. The time machine of memory can be a good thing when we go back and replay the good times. It can help us enjoy a pleasant experience in exponential ways. But the time machine of memory becomes twisted when we use it to relive our past failures and punish ourselves multiple times for the same mistake. When we put our sins on repeat mode, we wince and groan over and over again because it triggers sharp pangs of guilt and shame. Our guilt brings past sins into the present and says, “Look, you made a mistake.” Then shame joins the conversation and adds, “Yes, and you are the mistake.”

Why do we torture ourselves by going back to places of failure in our memory banks? Why do we continue to push the play button and experience it all over again? We wish we could go back and erase our failures, but that’s not an option. We can’t seem to get over it, so we go over it in our minds again and again.

Embrace the Full Truth

Here’s the problem with the twisted time machine of memory. We travel back in time under the pretense of a half-truth. Yes, we sinned. No, sin should not be taken lightly. There is appropriate guilt and shame that flow from sin, but as Christians, we know that “Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners” (1 Tim. 1:15). We can’t allow our past shames to cloud the fact that Christ has come.

Discouragement gets stuck in the half-truth that says, “Go back and see for yourself that you failed,” but we can take heart when we realize the full truth that our problem is not that we look back, but that we don’t look all the way back.

Yes, “the wages of sin is death” (Rom. 6:23)—but our debts have been paid. Don’t sit in your sin. Take it on a journey all the way back to the cross and see it nailed there. Then, and only then, will you be ready to move forward in the forgiving love of Christ.

Editors’ note:

This is an adapted excerpt from Don’t Lose Heart: Gospel Hope for the Discouraged Soul, published in partnership with Baker Books.

Posted at: https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/memory-paralyzes-you/

The Language of Forgiveness

by Steve Bezner

“Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.”—Luke 23:34

“God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”—Romans 5:8

Believe it or not, a discussion about grammar led me to rethink forgiveness.

I was listening to a sermon by Jon Tyson when he mentioned Jesus’ words at his crucifixion: “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” (Luke 23:34) Tyson noted that the tense of Jesus’ speaking—imperfect—opened the possibility that these words could have been something Jesus repeated over and over during his own execution.

I had previously thought of Jesus making this pronouncement from the cross—using it as a moment of teaching to those onlookers who had witnessed this gruesome act. Now I was confronted with a new thought—what if Jesus breathed these words in prayer repeatedly, even as the nails were being driven through his body? What if Jesus declared these things over those who killed him, even as they were in the midst of the act?

What would such language declare about the nature of my God?

Several years back, I found out Russell (not his real name) was talking about my leadership, and he was doing it to anyone who would listen.

Churches are interesting organisms, often built on ginger trust. Church members tend to trust their pastor—even if the relationship is fairly new—because the church’s health depends upon those in the congregation allowing the pastor to teach and lead with at least a modicum of latitude. Any sense that a pastor cannot be trusted is serious because it means the church may be headed towards dysfunction.

Russell was doing his best to drive my relationship with my church to ultra-dysfunction.

Surprisingly, or perhaps un-surprisingly if you’re familiar with the way churches operate, he had never mentioned any of these things to me, despite the fact we saw one another multiple times a week. Several church members had dutifully informed me of what he was saying. It wasn’t kind, to put it mildly. So I did what any spiritually mature pastor would do: I whined and complained to my wife.

To be honest, I was furious. In fact, even now, years later, I can sense my blood pressure rising simply thinking about some of the things he said about me. They were lies. Then again, Satan is the Father of Lies. He wants to divide the church. But I digress.

My point is simple: I eventually got around to forgiving Russell, but not until I had essentially hit back at him with as many hurtful words as I could muster. I had to vent, complain, yell, and weep. Then I could begin the reconciliation process. Yet Jesus prayed for forgiveness while the spikes were entering his wrists.

My problem? I tend to think God forgives like I do.

When I betray the Lord, I tend to intuitively think I need to wait before seeking forgiveness. And if it’s a really big betrayal? Well in that case, I need to wait quite a while before I’m ready to approach the throne of grace with any confidence.

But that’s not our God.

Abortion has been in the news quite a bit lately. I’ve counseled countless women who believe that their seeking the termination of a pregnancy puts them beyond the beautiful grace of Jesus. But he was forgiving them even as they pulled up to the clinic.

I’ve counseling countless couples who have experienced marital infidelity. They believe that God could not forgive them until time has passed. But he was forgiving them even as they met their lovers.

I’ve sat with criminals, addicts, embezzlers, liars, abusers, and even a couple of murderers. How long must they wait for forgiveness? No time at all. “Forgive them, for they know not what they do.” Over. And over. And over. And over. Even while you were sinning, he was forgiving.

Paul writes, “God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8)

While you were sinning, Jesus was dying for that sin. "Forgive them, for they know not what they do." When we understand the depth of God’s love and forgiveness, we’ll stop living from shame and start embracing grace. We’ll allow ourselves to receive the grace God has freely extended—the grace given even while we were sinning sinners. Perhaps we’ll even be able to extend it to those around us. And, if we’re truly blessed, we’ll extend it even as they hurt us.

Posted at: https://ftc.co/resource-library/blog-entries/the-language-of-forgiveness