The Proverbs Man: A Study in Proverbs 31

James Fields - CHCC Counselor

We often hear about how amazing the Proverbs 31 wife is. She is highly praised, loved, and even dreaded by many. But there’s something we often overlook in this passage: her husband. What does the man of Proverbs 31 look like? How do the two of them interact? What makes their marriage something worthy of celebration?

Today we’re going to focus in on 5 qualities of the Proverbs 31 man. Men, this will give us a goal to strive for, a target for what it looks like to be a godly husband.

An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels

1) The Proverbs Man treasures his wife. When I first met Steph, I was immediately impressed by her hard work ethic. As I got to know her better I was drawn in by the strength of her character and how she would not let deceit stand. She would call people out for their wrong doing, and embrace them with her warm, loving, outgoing personality. These traits are just a few of the reasons my wife is so great and why I ultimately decided I wanted to marry her. If I could talk with each of you reading this, I know I’d hear similar stories about how great the character of your spouse is.

Let’s face it, your wife is awesome. When you were dating her you were constantly enthralled by who she is. How she dealt with the world around her and especially how she treated you caused you great joy. And in the end, you married her for it. You found reason to delight in her, and that’s exactly what the Proverbs Man ought to do.

Delighting in your wife came easily to you when you were dating, but sometimes it can become harder as life moves on. Don’t forget how amazing she is! If you spend more time on your hobbies, watching Netflix, or hanging out with friends than you spend enjoying your wife’s company, you demonstrate that your treasure is not your wife.

Stop right now, and write down a list of the amazing things she’s done over the last week. Let her know how much you care about her and love her. Tell her what she did recently that wowed you.

The heart of her husband trusts in her. vs 11

2) The Proverbs Man trusts his wife. I had a boss named Rick early on at my last job. He was a truly caring boss. He would ask you how you were doing, and honestly wanted to know. He would ask your opinions on how to improve the store, and he would demonstrate trust in you. He did this in several ways. First, if you had a crazy idea, he’d let you run with it even if he didn’t agree. I remember on one occasion I had an idea for improving the store. He could tell I was passionate about it, and he gave me his full support. Later he came to me and told me “You know, I didn’t agree with this idea. I didn’t think it would work, but you proved me wrong.” That’s the kind of guy he was. He would give his support to you and help you succeed.

On the other hand, I’ve had leaders who micro-managed me. In that environment, I felt stifled and incompetent. My skills didn’t change, I was still a hard worker and would seek to do the best I could for the people I was working for, but the joy in my work and the outcome of it was less than it could have been. For Rick I was rewarded with trust, with others I was torn down with thoughtless words. Godly leadership lovingly seeks to grow and aide whereas fleshly leadership often seeks to control via micromanagement and extraneous rules.

The Proverbs Man is a trusting leader. He knows his wife is amazing and capable and he seeks to help her succeed even if he’s not sure the idea will pan out. By trusting her he builds her up. She becomes more confident in her abilities and seeks to do him good in return. Her hard work, creativity, knowledge, and skill blossom into something unexplainable due in part to the trust of her adoring husband.

He praises her: “Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.” vs. 29

3) The Proverbs Man praises his wife. How do you compliment your wife? I’ve heard many men (Christian and otherwise) praise their wife by saying “Dang you’re hot” or “You’re so beautiful.” By giving her compliments for her physical beauty you compliment something she has little control over. God made her look the way she does, though she maintains limited control over it. When you compliment her beauty, you’re not complimenting her so much as the work God did in her physical creation. Notice the Proverbs Man didn’t praise his wife’s beauty, instead he praised her character: “Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.” He lifts up her hard work, points to the places she’s put her effort and says, “Babe, you’ve done awesomely!” The Proverbs Man listens to his wife talk about her day and finds the areas deserving of praise. When was the last time you complimented your wife’s character?

Her children rise up and call her blessed vs 28

4) The Proverbs Man teaches his children. I love that this is the natural conclusion to point three. The Proverbs Man, in praising his wife, teaches their children to follow his example. He’s setting a standard of how to treat a woman (and especially a wife!), and enforced it with his kids. I have some close friends where the husband has done very well with this. He praises his wife after every meal, and the kids always chime in “Yeah mom, this was the best meal ever!” How kids treat their mother is often a practical demonstration of how they see their father treat her. You can’t make your kids act nice, but you can show them by your godly example how they ought to live. You can teach them with your words and godly discipline the right way to behave.

What do your kids say about their mother? Do they follow in your footsteps? Do you need to do a better job of demonstrating biblical love to your wife?

Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates. vs 31

5) The Proverbs Man doesn’t deprive his wife. A Proverbs Man gives her not only what she needs but also gives her the freedom to get what she wants. Remember, he trusts her completely and she flourishes under that trust. Letting her keep the earnings of her hard work allows her the freedom to continue to be the hard worker you know her to be. By not depriving her of the fruits of her labor, you demonstrate the trust that you ought to have in your wife, and you allow her to have the freedom to pour out blessings on all that she touches.

The Proverbs Man also gives her the accolades her work deserves. I imagine the Proverbs Man in the city gate, bragging about the clothes she made him. He shows off the fact that the pockets are big enough to hold his kindle and tells everyone about just how wise she is for buying that orchard. He brags about her is a loving way. His words lift her up at home and wherever his work takes him.

What other ways can you reward your wife? The passage doesn’t call for it here, but you can take her on a date to that restaurant she likes or buy her a that thing she’s been wanting but in prudence hasn’t bought yet. Find what she loves most and reward her with more of it. Seek to make her happy with your actions and your sacrifices.

But my wife…

I anticipate that some of you reading this will be inclined to say these principles do not apply to you because your wife is not a Proverbs 31 wife. The Bible doesn’t say we should treat people how they deserve to be treated, it says we should treat them like we want to be treated (Matthew 7:12). Honoring our wives may be a challenge at times, but no matter how hard it may seem, we are called love them with the same sacrificial love that Jesus loved us (Ephesians 5:25).

Men, God has called us to treat our wives better than we are fleshly inclined. To be the godly man of Proverbs, we must love our wives, invest in them, praise them, and reward them with the fruit of their labor. He has called us to raise up our children to be godly little ones, who see the value in others and praise them for it. When we as husbands act in this way, it will stir up in the hearts of our wives passions we wouldn’t otherwise see. When we act in the same way as the Proverbs Man, our marriage begins to take a path that leads to a place of contentment and joy. And that is something worth celebrating!

James Fields

James has been married to his awesome wife since 2012. He enjoys cooking, playing games, and growing in his walk with God.

5 Steps To Pray For Your Spouse

Stephanie R Fields

“God commands men to pray, and so not to pray is plain disobedience to an imperative command of Almighty God.” -E.M.Bounds

It’s often said that our spouses are our primary ministry. I’d like to suggest that praying for them is one of the most crucial ways we carry out that ministry. Prayer is a powerful tool of the faith, and I’d like to invite you to make sure you are making the most of it. It’s easy to pray for others, but are you praying for them well? Here’s 5 steps that have helped me pray for my husband more effectively.

Step One: Look in the mirror

It’s easy to pray “help him be a godly leader” or “help her be a good mother.” These aren’t necessarily bad prayers, but not only are they surface level, there are some questions you should be asking yourself first. Husbands with kids, are you an involved parent? Do you speak highly of your wife to your children? Does she have to ask repeatedly for your help, or are you actively seeking ways to serve her? Wives, are you encouraging your husband as he leads, or are you combative, dismissive, and disrespectful? Has your harsh tongue made him reluctant to take action?

When we pray for our spouses we need to be careful that we aren’t praying that God will gloss over our own sin - and that we aren’t justifying our sin with our spouses shortcomings. I really need to apply Matthew 7: 1-5 to my own life before I even contemplate asking God to change James. If I have a critical, harsh, and disrespectful attitude it’s going to be hard for him to lead me effectively. James is likely to get frustrated and flustered, and so may not make wise decisions. Likewise, if James is reckless, condescending, and disregards my input I might be tempted to be rebellious because I don’t trust him. The way we respond to our spouses is important. Review the way you have treated your spouse in the last six months. Is there something you need to repent of and ask your spouse for forgiveness for? Since each of us is the worst of sinners (1 Tim 1:15) it’s imperative we are more concerned with our own sin than with the sin of our spouse.

How are you contributing to your spouse's sin? I’m not saying you are to blame for your spouse's sin, because you aren’t. We are each the author of our own sinful choices. But are you stirring them to love and good works? (Heb 10:24) Are you making it easy to repent, and modeling what that looks like? Is sin taken seriously in your home? Do you talk about it, and are you mindful of their stumbling blocks and what sins they are easily tempted by? Before you spend a lot of time asking God to "fix" your spouse first ask God to reveal how you need to change to be a better spouse yourself.

Step Two: Examine your motives

Philippians 2:3 says “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.” Are you keeping this in mind when you pray for your spouse? What I mean is, are you more concerned with your spouses walk with the Lord or with the ease of your life with them? Do you view your spouse as a ministry opportunity or a barrier? Does my prayer for James demonstrate that I love him and want the best for him - or does it show that I want things to go my way and work out for my good? Am I praying for what is best for him or for what is easiest for me?

Am I praying that he changes his leadership style because he could be more godly, or because I don’t like it? Am I praying that he be successful at work because I want him to be salt to his coworkers, or do I just want him to make more money so my life is more comfortable? Am I praying that James loves the Lord and pursues Him because I genuinely care for his spiritual well being, or because Scripture paints a nice picture for how I should be treated by a God fearing husband? Before I pray about God changing James I really need to evaluate why I want God to make that change. Who would that change glorify, and how do I benefit from it?

Step Three: Know your spouse

Our God is powerful and He knows what each of us needs. He answers prayers only our hearts have uttered, and the Holy Spirit intercedes for us when we don’t even have the words. (Rom 8:27) I wonder, do you know what your spouse is dealing with in the most intimate arenas of their life? Are you praying for the things they are too scared to share at life group? Are you praying for the things they are still discovering about themselves? Praying for the minutiae of the day to day is important, and so is praying in the big picture. But is that enough for our one-flesh relationships? I’d like to challenge you to dig deeper, and get specific about your other half.
Here are some questions to consider:

• How is their walk with the Lord right now?

• Are they diligent in their reading, meditating, and prayer life?

• Do you see fruit in their life?

• Do they find joy and hope easily?

• In what ways are they struggling the most right now?

• Are they prideful at work?

• Do they struggle with impurity?

• Do they have a hard time resolving conflict?

• Are they waiting joyfully in God’s timing?

• What are they learning about God right now? How are they, or aren’t they, changing in response?

• What are their fears?

• What are their goals?

• What encourages and discourages them?

• How are they spending their time and with who?

• Do you know the names of their office mates?

• How do they spend their time when you aren’t around?

This list is just the beginning. If you don’t know the answers to these questions it will be hard for you to pray specifically for what they have going on in their hearts.

Step Four: Be thankful for your spouse

Tell God how much you appreciate your spouse and marriage, and get specific. Sometimes it can be hard to come up with things to be thankful for in general, and often times harder still within our marriages. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 tells us that we will always have something to be thankful for, though, so don’t miss this opportunity to honor God’s will for your life. Praise God for the traits and gifts and skills He gave your spouse. Thank Him for aligning your lives to cross paths and lead to marriage. Tell God how much you appreciate those little things they do for you. Praise God for the ways He is working within your spouse, and thank Him for the honor and privilege He has given you as a sanctification partner with your spouse. Remind yourself what an amazing gift it is that God has trusted you with one of His children - and Praise God that your spouse is who He trusted you to*. As I look back on the years I’ve been married to James I am greatly moved by how patient, gentle, consistent, and compassionate he has been with me through it all. God has put me through some significant trials and my husband has faithfully ministered to me through them. I hope the same is true for your marriage and that you are stirred to a thankful heart because of it.

Step Five: Pray with your spouse

Finally! Does this seem like too simplistic of a step? Do you pray together? If not, I encourage you to start. Praying for your spouse is a great way to show them you are listening, you care, and you are rooting for them. Prayer helps point you each back to the Lord, as well as encourages and comforts you both. It helps you stay focused on what’s most important; A heart focused on the Lord has little room for sinful responses.

Additionally, prayer is an incredibly intimate thing and will help you feel closer as a couple. Pray for yourselves together, for each other, for your life group and family, the church, our country - everything. Pray together. It’s an amazing window into the soul of your spouse and I encourage you to participate in it. It might be awkward at first, but embrace it. This is your primary relationship for the rest of your earthly life. Make the most of it. You won’t regret it.

Still not sure where to begin? Here’s a generic list to get you started:

• Remove my selfishness that I may be a better servant to my spouse

• May my words build up as fits the occasion, and never tear down

• Help me be focused on my spouse - that they come before all other earthly relationships

• Help me shed the cultural definition of manliness or femininity and instead stand firmly in God’s definition

• Our marriage would be a good example to our children. Am I treating my spouse the way I would want a future helpmate to treat my child?

• Help me be a blessing to my spouse in their role as parent. May my actions work in tandem with my spouse and not in opposition

• Help me to build trust with my spouse, that I may continue to learn them better

• Show me a way to serve my spouse today

• Our sex life would be God honoring

• Give my spouse victory over the sin they are currently struggling with, help me to be an encouragement to them in that effort

• Protection against impurity

• They are a light to their coworkers

• They would work hard to bring God glory, not for personal gain

• We would strive to please God more than we are concerned with making a good appearance

• Bring us opportunities to serve the Kingdom with our marriage

• Take hold of my spouse's heart, Lord - increase their knowledge and their faith

• Gratitude for the way your spouse blessed you recently

• Express appreciation for the ways your spouse has helped you grow

• Praise God for the good times you have had together

• Thank the Lord for the things still in store for your marriage

And of course, praying through scripture is never a bad way to pray for someone, either. It is my hope that your prayer life reflects the love and grace of our Lord, and that your marriage is all the richer for it.

*If you are currently in a difficult marriage this might be a really hard thing for you to believe or do. Without knowing your specific situation there are some things I do know. God works all things together for our good (Rom 8:28), He is sovereign (1 Chron 29:11-12), and He has not given up on you or your marriage (Phil 4:19, Matt 28:20.) If you need help please reach out to the appropriate authorities and or to the church. Please do not continue to suffer alone. Join a life group, contact the counseling department, reach out to a trusted friend (Prov 11:14). God did not design us to do life alone - embrace the community God has waiting for you (Rom 12: 4-5, Gal 3:28-29), and let us love you both by gently restoring you to the Lord and to each other. And through all of it, pray. Pray that God would intervene and move in both your hearts.

Again, E.M. Bounds:
“Be careful for nothing, but in everything, by supplication and prayer, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known unto God." That is the Divine cure for all fear, anxiety, and undue concern of soul, all of which are closely akin to doubt and unbelief.”
― E.M. Bounds, The Necessity of Prayer

Stephanie R. Fields Chef by trade, currently serving the teen homeless population. Wife, biblical counselor, gamer, crafter, tea and book enthusiast. Smitten with the mitten, Washingtonian since 2009.

Posted at: https://celebrate-marriages.ghost.io/2018/06/18/5-steps-to-pray-for-your-spouse/?fbclid=IwAR05sKv8Gz2HDazZ2k0JwSLFqlXjZ3GoT3Bni-6nlqdY54gtyUmWF__7VkM

Four Character Traits that Will Help Any Marriage

Paul Tautges

“When I engage in marriage counseling,” writes Ernie Baker, “I often say to the couple, ‘Good marriages do not just happen, they are made to happen.’ In other words, relationships require investment. What qualities should you invest in to make your relationship beautiful? We find the answer in Colossians 3:12–14:

Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.

Here the apostle exhorts us to put our faith into action by “putting on” eight Christlike character traits which should govern our relationship with one another, even when that relationship is under intense pressure. [We will consider the first four today and the next four tomorrow.]

Compassion

Paul tells us that we need to be tenderhearted toward one another, just as God has been toward us. Matthew uses this word “compassion” to describe Jesus’s response to the crowds: “When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd” (Matthew 9:36). Jesus was deeply moved by the needs of the people in a distressing situation. Are you compassionate toward your spouse? Or is the opposite true? The opposite of compassion is hardness, maybe showing condemnation instead of mercy, or being aloof, uncaring, rather than merciful. Do you see what this might do to your relationship? The situation you find yourselves in is already hard enough; do not make it worse by withdrawing from your spouse and becoming hardened toward him or her. It often helps me to be tender toward others if I ask myself how I would like to be treated if I were in a similar situation (see Matthew 7:12).

Kindness

Next, Paul presents kindness, and this is how God relates to us in salvation. We deserved wrath for our sin, but he was kind instead. Paul elsewhere talks of “the immeasurable riches of [God’s] grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus” (Ephesians 2:7). The opposite of kindness is harshness, maybe even meanness. What would you say is the climate of your home—kindness or harshness? If it is harshness, what is your responsibility in changing it? On the other hand, what could you do to show kindness?

Humility

Our Lord was lowly of mind. Instead of standing up for his rights, he was willing to be humbled. This word “humility,” however, captures more than humble actions; it is a disposition of putting others first. In Philippians 2, Paul describes Jesus’s humility beautifully: Though he was in the form of God, [Jesus] did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant . . .(2:6–7)

In the verse directly before this, Paul instructs us to “have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus” (2:5). These characteristics define the spirit of a home. Will you be someone who stands up for his or her rights, or are you willing to put yourself second? If you are willing, because of your relationship with the Lord, to be a compassionate, kind, servant, your marriage will be more stable because of you. Consider this: it is hard to fight with this type of person! Is there a difficult task related to the care of your child or family member that you could carry out to show your desire to follow the Lord’s example of humble servanthood?

Gentleness

The original word in Greek that Paul uses here is sometimes translated “meekness” and is another characteristic of Jesus. The God of the universe was meek and gentle: what an amazing thought! Paul underlines this in 2 Corinthians 10:1 when he entreats his readers “by the meekness and gentleness of Christ.” The opposite of this beautiful character trait is an aggressive, domineering loudness that suppresses others, or unbridled strength. Are there ways this is coming out in your home? Consider this: When are you most tempted toward lack of gentleness? What could you do to respond differently?

This is an exerpt from Ernie Bank’s book “Help! Disability Pressures Our Marriage”

Leave and Cleave Like a Strawberry

Tim Challies

Living in a multicultural city and serving in a multicultural church has given me a wide view of some of the ways different generations of a family can relate to one another. As a young generation begins to pair up and to marry, forming new families, they need to learn to relate to the generation or generations that came before. This can take many different forms and I’ve long observed that the most significant determining factor is usually culture. We tend to conform to cultural expectations.

The God who created family is clear that marriage creates a new family unit, but also clear that biology matters and that the forming of a new unit does not entirely rupture the old one. God says “a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife,” but there are many different perspectives on what it looks like to leave parents and what it looks like to cleave to a spouse. Some cultures treat marriage as if it marks a total break with birth families, while others act as if marriage really makes no substantial difference at all. When cultures mix, we begin to see that much of what we’ve always regarded as normal may not be, that what we’ve always seen as good may actually be bad.

As I was pondering this and attempting to better understand God’s view of the matter, I looked outside to our little garden which Aileen tends so carefully and cultivates so well. I looked at the hostas with their many shapes of leaves in varied shades of green. I looked at the ferns towering above them, still lush and healthy before they inevitably fade under the coming heat of the summer sun. I looked at the bright red and yellow begonias, brilliant splashes of color contrasting beautifully with the dark soil beneath. Then my eyes fixed on the irises which opened for the first time today to display their magnificent purple flowers. And I thought, “I someday want my children to leave and cleave like a strawberry.” I’d better explain.

My generation of long-time Canadians, those of us who were raised by a fully Westernized baby boom generation, have largely inherited a view of forming new families that is kind of like a wildflower. Many wildflowers produce seeds that are blown by the wind, land somewhere near or far, put down roots, and grow up into a new plant that’s entirely independent of the old one. The boomer generation was fiercely independent and held to the “Freedom 55” mindset of getting work and child-raising out of the way early, before enjoying a long and leisurely retirement. Their children were raised to become independent early and to expect (and offer) little support later in life.

Many of the newer Canadians, those arriving from non-Western countries over the past couple of decades, see forming a new family as being kind of like irises. Irises propagate by division, so the parent plant divides and forms new rhizomes that are attached to the old. Since they are attached at the root, the new flowers and the flowers grow up side-by-side. In fact, a gardener must eventually split the rhizomes and spread them out to keep the plants healthy.

There are positives and negatives to both wildflower and iris families. Wildflower families appropriately emphasize the independence of a new husband and wife, but tend to make the break between generations too abrupt and too significant. They leave father and mother but fail to honor father and mother. Iris families emphasize relational closeness and mutually-supporting generations, but may also be suffocating and not allow new families an appropriate level of independence. They honor father and mother but fail to honor husband and wife. Wildflowers seem prone to over-emphasize the new relationship while placing too little emphasis on the old; iris families seem prone to over-emphasize the old family while placing too little emphasis on the new.

And this is where strawberries come in. Strawberries spread by putting down runners. They send out a shoot that extends for a little distance, then puts down roots, and grows up into its own plant. It remains connected to the parent, but is still its own plant and can still produce its own fruit.

And as I think of the families I’ve known where the generations function best, they function more like strawberries than irises or wildflowers. This is true whether they share a household or live in different countries, whether they are entirely financially independent or support one another. The issue is one of expectations and obligations, of parents setting their children free and children reciprocating their great debt of care. They appropriately emphasize the discontinuity between the old family and the new, but appropriately emphasize the obligation each generation owes the other. They are independent, but not too distant. They are connected, but not suffocating. They’ve got room to grow but also room to spread their leaves.

Posted at: https://www.challies.com/articles/leave-and-cleave-like-a-strawberry/

Gender Roles and the Single Woman

By Amber Komatsu

I remember the first time I ever heard someone preach on the biblical roles of men and women. Scripture was used to show how men are the loving leaders in their marriages and women are called to help and submit to the man’s leadership. To be honest, I just didn’t like the idea of it. “A woman is a submissive helper? Seriously!?” I was unmarried, and yet my heart was already keenly experiencing the desire against this, as foretold in Gen 3:16. I continued to understand these doctrines, became convinced through the study of the Word, and came to love and embrace the truth that men and women are equal in value but have different God-ordained roles in which they function. I saw being a helper for what it was, a glorious calling and task. However, as I sought to apply these truths to my life I became confused. Nearly every good article and resource I came across was written for married women. The married woman submits to her husband’s leadership (Eph. 5:22,24; Col. 3:18); the married woman is a helper to her husband (Gen. 2:18); the married woman wins her unbelieving husband without a word by her good conduct (I Peter 3:1); the married woman honors and doesn’t revile the Word of God by her good works (Titus 2:5). What of the single woman? What does this doctrine look like in the warp and woof of single life? In God’s sovereign hand, he gave me the gift of singleness longer than I had anticipated (the Lord brought me my wonderful husband Trevor at the age of 29) and while I greatly desired marriage, I also desired to continue to grow in holiness and obedience to Jesus during this time.

Fully Woman, Married or Single

As I lived year after year as a single woman, and saw many of my friends marry and have children, I began to feel as if I was missing out on spiritual growth and being complete as a woman. I felt that when the Bible spoke to women, it spoke primarily to women who played for “team marriage.” I wasn’t on the field just yet. My purpose in the Kingdom felt blurry. As I began to think through and understand Scripture, several truths became clear to me.

The single woman can practice being a helper in many different areas (Genesis 2:18) In Genesis 2, God created woman to be a helper to the man. This, of course, is in the context of being a helper fit for a husband. The single woman does not serve any one man, but she is still able to cultivate a heart that helps and serves. Sarah, a dear friend of mine, lives her life serving and helping her local church, families in her church, her boss at work, and her friends and family. In fact, whenever Sarah’s name is spoken by people who know her, it is always spoken with a smile and an acknowledgement that she excels in serving many.

The single woman can affirm and encourage male leadership (Genesis 2:15, I Cor. 14) Men should be leaders in the home and in the church. Single women have the chance to encourage this leadership by the way they interact with other men. Some practical ways to encourage male leadership are asking single brothers to lead in planning social gatherings, asking men who are present at meals to bless the meal, encouraging and thanking elders and deacons for their work in the church, and writing notes of encouragement to married couples and praising the Lord for the good leadership the husband is evidencing in his family.

The single woman can cultivate a posture of submission to her God-given authorities (I Cor. 14:34) A woman should cultivate a posture of submission in her singleness to her earthly authorities, whether her parents, a pastor, a boss, or anyone else in authority to her. A woman should do this for two reasons: First, Jesus commands it, and she’ll look more like Him in her obedience. This is valuable whether she is married at 21, at 71, or never. Second, when a single woman learns to submit to and honor authorities God has placed in her life, earthly marriage will simply be an easier transition than had she not.

The single woman can develop a gentle and quiet spirit (I Peter 3:4) A gentle and quiet spirit is not a gentle and quiet personality. It is very possible for a woman to have a gentle and quiet personality while her heart is raging with rebellion against God. A gentle and quiet spirit is a heart that rests and hopes in the Lord (Psalm 131:1-3). Peter says this is a beauty that is imperishable and is of great value to God. I always tell people that my 80 year old widowed grandmother is the most beautiful woman I know. She laughs and rejoices in life with her children and grandchildren, has a heart that loves to meet people and know them well, a heart that serves wherever and whenever she has the ability, she prays continually, and is the hardest working and most generous woman I know. Her heart is steadfastly resting and trusting in Jesus. Her beauty as a single widowed woman is of great value to God and it is imperishable.

The single woman can practice hospitality (I Timothy 5:10) Hospitality is a great gift that single women can give. For several years of my singleness, I lived with amazing sisters who practiced hospitality. It was not uncommon for our home to be a gathering place for meals, baby showers, birthday parties, missionary send-offs, hymn sings, and more. We welcomed over believers and unbelievers, small groups and large (once we had 65!). Opportunities for discipleship, encouragement, and evangelism abounded. We all grew during that time in understanding the importance of hospitality and that we could cultivate those gifts in our singleness.

The single woman can be an older woman to younger women (Titus 2:3-5) My friend Caitlin has one of the sharpest theological minds I have ever known and she has great gifts for teaching. She uses these gifts of knowledge and teaching in her singleness when she disciples other women, single and married. My friend Hannah has walked with friends of hers through very hard seasons. She has taught them what was good and how to walk in self-control and purity. These women are examples of what it looks like to be an older woman to younger women even in the midst of singleness.

The single woman can commend and honor marriage by rejoicing with those who are rejoicing in biblical marriage (Romans 12:15) This truth became a reality when my little sister got engaged at the age of 21. I was 28 with no prospects. I felt sin crouching like a lion, ready to attack; I could feel bitterness and envy creeping into my heart. During the months before her wedding I worked to repent and rejoice with my sister in her joy of marriage. The day of her wedding I was able to joyfully give a toast as her maid-of-honor. In retrospect, it was one of the happiest days of my life. I realized the grace the Lord worked in my heart, and was thrilled for the good gift of marriage given to my sister. She and her husband were now another living example to me of Christ and the church.

Singleness as a Signpost

The married woman is a signpost, reminding the church how to be Christ’s bride. The single woman can also become a similar reminder. By her gentle and quiet spirit, by her willingness to follow and submit to Godly authority, by her desire to be a helper and a servant in the church, she stands as a vibrant reminder, pointing to Christ and the church. The world may scoff at a woman clothed with such strength and dignity, but the bride of Christ will be strengthened and encouraged.

Amber Komatsu is the Membership Services Coordinator for ACBC. She is married to Trevor and is expecting their first child, Reuben.

Posted at: https://biblicalcounseling.com/gender-roles-and-the-single-woman-2/

How a Man Loves a Woman

Article by Ben Stuart, Pastor, Washington, D.C.

“How do I love my wife well?” Young husbands frequently ask me this question, and it is a great one to ask. They are often faced with a laundry list of good tips: prioritize date nights, lead family prayer times, organize evening devotionals, take walks together, buy her flowers, write poetry, help around the house, etc.

I have found that these lists can be extremely helpful examples or extremely tyrannizing laws. If you anxiously try to accomplish them all, the stress could steal the joy of your marriage.

So, what do we do? Is there one guiding principle that can help us navigate marriage well? I believe so. I believe we see it clearly in Genesis.

God Initiates

Genesis 1:2 presents a problem: “The earth was without form and void.” “Formless” means quite literally that it lacked form; it had no structure. “Void” means that it had no content. It was not full of anything. No form, no fullness. No structure, no content.

Then God initiates. He spends the first three days of creation building structure: first air, then sea, then land. He fashions the static systems necessary to sustain life.

Then in the following three days he fills these structures with content. He fills the air with birds, the sea with sea creatures, then the land with animals.

God sees formlessness and void and responds by bringing form and fullness. He creates order, but not stuffy, stifling order. It is order specifically designed to maximize the flourishing of life! This is our God. He brings structure, then content; form, then fullness; order, then flourishing.

Foundations for Flourishing

“Men are meant to create structures so that life can flourish.”TweetShare on Facebook

You see a similar rhythm play out in Genesis 2. God places the man in the garden. Though the garden is truly a “delight,” it is not yet all that it could be. Thus, God commands the man “to work it and keep it” (Genesis 2:15). God charges the man to take the raw materials he has been given and structure the environment in such a way that promotes the flourishing of all the living things under his care. This is the role of man in the image of God!

Men are meant to create structures so that life can flourish. We create farms where the conditions can be perfectly calibrated to maximize the fruitfulness of the trees. We create ranches where animals can grow strong. We create financial structures where investments can reach their full potential. And, in the home, we create an environment where our wives and children can flourish in every area under God.

This is the mindset we are meant to take into our marriage: “How do I structure our family life so that everyone can flourish?” Certain constants will be present in every Christian home: study of the Bible, prayer, time together, time apart, etc. And yet we have the freedom to organize these constants in a way that best suits our particular spouses and children.

Crucial Questions to Ask

Therefore, as husbands we wake up every day and ask ourselves, How can I best organize the time, energy, money, and relationships that the Lord has given me to enable my wife to best flourish as a woman under God? Regarding time, have I given her enough time alone, away from the kids, to meet with God devotionally? How much time does she need? How will I create that space?

Have I given her enough time to meet with other women for support and encouragement? Have I given her enough time with me? With regard to our money, have I allocated it in the best way in order to fund those things that stir her affections for the Lord? How can I make that happen? What best helps her rest well? Vacation? Hobbies? Books?

“Jesus Christ gave all in order to create the ideal circumstances for us to flourish as children of God.”TweetShare on Facebook

For some of you the greatest gift you can give your wife is a night to get dressed up and hit the town. Others of you could go for a cheaper date night and use those funds to buy some lumber so she can build a picnic table (don’t laugh; that’s where my wife comes alive!).

With this approach, we are not tyrannized by a list of things we are supposed to be doing, but rather we are liberated to be excellent students of our wives. We are free to consider how we can use the resources God has given us to best love them.

Just Like Jesus

In many ways that is what Jesus did for us. He gave his life in order to create an environment where we can flourish under God. What do we need to be fully alive in God? The word of God? He came and preached it. The removal of our sin? He took it away on the cross. The indwelling power of God? He released the Spirit into us! A community of brothers and sisters? He created the church.

Jesus Christ gave all in order to create the ideal circumstances for us to flourish as children of God. We husbands are called to love our wives the same way. We give of our resources so that they can be all they were meant to be as the daughters of God. This pleases him and blesses them.

Ben Stuart (@Ben_Stuart_) is pastor of Passion City Church, which he helped plant in Washington, D.C.

Posted at: https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/how-a-man-loves-a-woman

Delighting in Authority

Delighting in Authority: How to Create a Culture of Happy Complementarians

Article09.30.2016

If I were a man, I would be a church planter.

I’m a strong leader with the gifts and wiring essential to the call. I thrive when casting vision, making disciples, training leaders, preaching the Word, and evangelizing the lost. I’ve been “thinking in sermons” since I was fifteen. I can’t help but target potential leaders. I constantly wonder how to reach my community. It’s instinctive. When I hear a powerful sermon, I feel a compulsion to preach. When someone leaves the church, I can’t sleep at night. When I study a text, I obsess over theological clarity.

But I’m a woman—a woman who believes God has spoken authoritatively in his Word on all matters pertaining to life and godliness. A woman whose conscience is bound by the conviction that the authoritative teaching office of God’s covenant community is reserved for men. I’ll never plant a church as the lead pastor/elder[1] not because I’m incompetent or lack the desire but because I believe the Word speaks with authority on this issue, and I trust the God who authored it. In fact, I delight in the authority of the Word, my husband, and the local church. I’m convinced everything God ordains, including various spheres of authority, is the best possible plan for his glory and my good. I’m what you would call a happy complementarian.[2]

“COMING OUT” AS A HAPPY COMPLEMENTARIAN

Unfortunately, not everyone delights in God-ordained authority. On the one hand, pop-culture has done a fine job of convincing women that femininity and freedom can only be found in throwing off the patriarchal shackles of previous generations to discover our “true, empowered selves.” I’m told my feelings and desires are the ultimate source of authority. Even an unbeliever would encourage me to plant a church if that meant “following my heart.” Today in Portland, Oregon—where I live—to be a strong woman is to reject any limitations on what I can or should do.

On the other hand, some Christian sub-cultures (particularly strands of fundamentalism that uphold a view of complementarianism suspiciously close to subordination) have created miserable women who outwardly affirm complementarian convictions while inwardly despising authority. Some have tragically suffered spiritual abuse from leaders and no longer know how to distinguish godly authority from an ungodly authoritarian. Others feel so trapped by manmade traditions and superficial limitations that they become like caged animals provoked even by innocent bystanders. They’re the bristly ones who affirm male headship but are bitterly offended at the slightest talk of authority.

I want to reject both extremes, even if it invites disapproval. I’m tired of apologizing for being a strong female anda conservative complementarian. In one circle, I’m too educated, too theological, too opinionated, and ask too many questions. In another circle, I’m too conservative, too prudish, too restricted, and don’t speak enough.

It’s time for the church to create space in its local assemblies for strong females who happily affirm authority (e.g., male headship and eldership) while advocating for more opportunities for women to flourish according to their gifts and qualification. Imagine how the gospel could be displayed to the watching world if churches were filled with biblically-minded women who embraced God-ordained authority as a blessing rather than a burden? This counter-cultural impulse would offer continual opportunities to share the gospel with a world that’s desperate for truth.

HOW CAN PASTORS HELP FEMALE LEADERS DELIGHT IN AUTHORITY?

But how can you do this when the overwhelming voice of culture smacks of anti-authority sentiments? The ideas below are neither novel nor exhaustive, but they do come from someone whose entire life is and has been directly affected by her views on authority.

1. Cultivate A High View of God’s Word.

Any discussion on authority must begin and end with the Bible. To start anywhere else is to build your “theological house” on the sand. Too often, people will start with a John Piper sermon or a CBMW article without pushing women to grapple with the biblical texts themselves. But only the Word of God has the power to penetrate to our innermost being and shed light on areas we desperately try to hide—like our anti-authority predispositions.

It was a high view of God’s Word that brought me to my current convictions. Early in my Christian walk, I realized I had a dog in the “egalitarian versus complementarian” fight. I applied myself to the Scriptures, earnestly desiring to know what God said about leadership roles in the local church. I came to the conclusion that the authoritative teaching office of God’s covenant community throughout redemptive history has always been and should continue to be restricted to men (e.g., priests in the Old Testament, apostles during the Apostolic age, and elders in the New Covenant). And after coming to this conclusion, I felt joy! God gave me a clear conviction on this matter, and the issue has been settled ever since. My conscience is held captive to the Word of God. And to echo Luther, I believe to act against conscience is neither safe for me, nor open to me.

By constantly pointing to the Word, pastors can help women become the kind of people who are controlled by biblical conviction rather than personal preferences or pragmatism. Encourage them to search the Scriptures and see what God says about women in leadership. Discuss the central, debated texts and facilitate open dialogue. Create environments where women can ask questions as they wrestle with the issues. Help them think well about the Scriptures and be willing to graciously challenge any preconceived notions that may not be rooted in the Word. Ultimately, equip them to make informed decisions based on good exegesis that leads to God-glorifying convictions.

2. Cultivate A High View of Women.

From Genesis to Revelation, the testimony of Scripture is that both male and female are created beings invested with great dignity, value, and worth. And both are tasked with the awesome responsibility of making visible the invisible God through their work and service. The church should be the primary place where the glorious image of God is showcased through men and women carrying out the Great Commission together with mutual love and respect.

All too often, however, the church has devalued women by not providing provision for them to serve and flourish within their respective gifts. I see this regularly with women who have leadership and teaching ability. The church may have a strong position articulated on paper, but functionally they don’t know what to do with these women . . . so all to often they don’t do anything. This isn’t necessarily malicious or calculated; I think it’s just the state of affairs in conservative churches today—but it’s one in need of continual reformation. As a female gifted to lead, I can tell you it’s not helpful (in fact, it’s confusing) to form a theology of women in leadership that never gets implemented.

I have been in churches (large “progressive” churches) where my husband and I agreed with everything on paper, but I wasn’t actually allowed to do anything within my gift set. It turned out a young woman without kids could never teach women. This reveals a low view of women that’s too pervasive in many conservative complementarian churches. Women are an essential part of the body, gifted by the Spirit to serve the church, and they should be encouraged to minister in all the ways the Bible permits.

Part of good, God-ordained male leadership is creating environments in which women feel valued, protected, and encouraged to serve in the ways God has wired them. Show women you value them by forming a robust, biblical theology of women in leadership and then actually implementing it. Here are a few suggestions:

• Provide opportunities for aspiring female teachers to get proper training so they can teach and preach the Scriptures to other women well. Perhaps consider one of these Simeon Trust workshops for women.

• Offer seminary-like classes on basic Bible, theology, and spiritual formation for your women.

• Give the women’s Bible study team time each semester to go over the curriculum and help them teach it well.

• Invite feedback from women on your sermons, on the worship, on the formation of small groups, and on the Sunday School classes.

• Ask women how you could better serve them in the way you preach, pray, and lead. After all, on average half of your congregation are women so wouldn’t it be helpful to get insight into the spiritual needs of your women . . . from a woman?

• Have women do things like serve communion, pray, read Scripture, or share their testimonies from the front. I cannot tell you how encouraging it is when I visit a church and hear a woman pray or read Scripture. It communicates volumes to the women sitting in your pews.

• Periodically ask yourself, “Are the women in my congregation flourishing? Are they being provided various opportunities to serve? Are they being treated as co-heirs of eternal life and partners in ministry?”

Every one of these points comes from the practice of my local church, a conservative, Bible-teaching, gospel-centered, Baptist church. I recently told my pastor I would be complementarian wherever I go because my conscience is bound to biblical convictions, but he sure does make it easier for me to be a happy complementarian!

I’ve been a Christian for fifteen years, and this is one of the first churches where the lead pastor has made me feel like a blessing rather than a burden for being a theologically-minded woman. That’s fifteen years of struggling to find my place in the local church because I was made to feel like a burden for the way God wired me. I’m not entertaining self-pity here, but I do think that’s sad.

I believe many women would be more willing to graciously embrace male authority in the church if they felt valued by the male leadership and given opportunities to serve Jesus in meaningful ways. Pastors, I urge you to use your God-ordained authority to help female leaders to flourish in your church. Make authority a pleasant experience for them.

HOW CAN FEMALE LEADERS HELP PASTORS DELIGHT IN AUTHORITY?

Part of being a “happy” complementarian is helping facilitate a culture in which male leaders find joy in leading us. We should (along with all believers) submit to authority in a way that helps leaders care for our souls “with joy and not groaning” (Heb. 13:17).

I’ll be the first to confess I haven’t always done this well. I can’t imagine how much “groaning” I’ve caused my pastors in the past. But, through much repentance and grace, I’m growing. Here are helpful suggestions I’ve learned along the way, primarily through my own sin and short-comings:

• Give others a “category” for you. Oftentimes, people just aren’t sure what to do with strong, theologically-minded women. Graciously help them see that you’re a woman who loves Jesus, delights in male authority, and desires to teach the Bible to other women.

• Speak highly of the male leadership in your church and home (if married). One of the most harmful things a woman can do is publicly criticize her pastor or husband. If we truly delight in male headship, our words should reflect it.

• Look for ways to encourage your pastors and elders. For example, tell them when a sermon was especially helpful or mention specific ways you’re praying for them.

• Thank your leadership for the current opportunities women are given to serve the church. Let them know it doesn’t go unnoticed.

• Be quick to communicate and slow to assume. Communicate that you have a passion for teaching women the Bible rather than assuming leadership knows and is intentionally withholding the role from you. A lot of hurt feelings are built upon false assumptions.

• Ask if there is or will ever be provision to serve within your gifts. Display a willingness to be trained and equipped accordingly. Show your pastor(s) that you’re also willing to serve outside of your gifts in order to help the church.

Ladies, let’s make authority a pleasant experience for the men in leadership over us by being a blessing to the body. May our words, actions, and attitudes help them view their God-ordained role as a delight.

FINDING FREEDOM WITHIN LIMITATIONS

The Psalmist declares, “I run in the path of your commands for you have set my heart free” (Ps. 119:32).

This reflects my heart on the issue of authority. Years ago, I bowed before God’s infinite wisdom on the matter of women in leadership and discovered the path beneath my feet was broadened. There’s a delightful freedom to be experienced when one accepts God-given boundaries. My conscience is clear, my convictions are firm, and my ministry is meaningful.

I’m not sad that I’m not and couldn’t be a church planter or lead pastor. I don’t feel restricted or resentful. Instead, I feel full. Submitting to the authority of God’s Word, specifically as it plays out in the local church, has freed me to run in the path of God’s commands. I have found great freedom within authority.

What about you?

FOOTNOTES:

[1] This truth doesn’t mean women cannot be involved in church plants. Of course they can. They should be! A well-rounded planting team would include trained, equipped women in the core group. I’m speaking to the lead, authoritative role as the church planter.

[2] A complementarian holds the theological view that men and women are created equal in dignity, value, and worth but hold differing, complimentary roles in marriage, family, and the local church.

By Whitney Woollard

Posted at: https://www.9marks.org/article/delighting-in-authority-how-to-create-a-culture-of-happy-complementarians/

How Jesus Trains Husbands

Article by Guy Richard

Most of us know that Ephesians 5:25 calls husbands to love their wives “as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,” but I am not so sure that we know what this Christlike love is supposed to look like in practice. There are no details given in Ephesians 5, no list of ten ways that husbands can accomplish this challenging command. There are no pictures showing us exactly how to do it and no warning lights to alert us when we are missing the mark. There are no indicators to encourage us when we are in the general vicinity of Christlikeness.

My marriage would certainly benefit from these kinds of helps. It has taken me far too long to understand even a little of what Ephesians 5:25 is calling me to as a husband. And my experience as a pastor tells me that most men are struggling at least as much as I am to understand what it means to love their wives. That is why I would like to take up this difficult subject and to talk about it here. I want to spend some time exploring, first, what it means to love our wives in a Christlike way, and second, how we can evaluate whether we are succeeding. My hope is to encourage husbands to give themselves more energetically to the work of loving their wives in a Christlike way.

CHRIST’S STANDARD

So, in the first place, let’s consider what it means for husbands to love their wives as “Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” When we look at the text before us, we can say for sure that our love for our wives must be sacrificial. And this means that we must be willing—should it be required of us—to lay down our lives on behalf of our wives and thereby make the ultimate sacrifice. But, as important as this is, most of us will never be asked to make this kind of sacrifice. So while we can readily acknowledge our willingness to love our wives in this way, it remains only theoretical and hypothetical for the vast majority of us.

It is far more difficult to daily sacrifice our pride, our reputation, our selfishness, our perceived “rights,” or our desires to be served than it is to sacrifice our lives. And yet, these daily sacrifices are part and parcel of what it means to love our wives sacrificially. I have never met a husband who would not willingly lay down his life for his wife. But I have met many who refuse to sacrifice themselves in the smaller ways and, therefore, make life very hard for their wives on a daily basis.

Jesus paid the ultimate price, laying down His life for the sake of His bride, the church. 

Jesus exemplified both aspects of sacrificial love. He did not come into the world in order “to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many” (Mark 10:45). He laid down His “rights,” setting aside many of the prerogatives that belonged to Him as the God of the universe (Gal. 4:4), emptying Himself (Phil. 2:7). He laid down His own will and subjected it to that of His Father in heaven (cf. Matt. 26:39). He came to serve rather than to be served. And He paid the ultimate price, laying down His life for the sake of His bride, the church.

God has given those of us who are husbands a tremendous privilege to model Christ to our wives and our families: to lay down our lives every day, to serve them rather than seeking to be served by them, and to give ourselves on their behalf. That is a tremendous privilege. I often hear men say that they feel like they are giving more in their marriage than they are getting out of it or that they are giving more than their wife is giving. My response is usually something like this: “Congratulations! That is exactly the way it is supposed to be.” God calls us as men to give ourselves every day in service to our wives, to lay ourselves out sacrificially—to spend and be spent—just as Christ gave Himself sacrificially in every way for His bride.

Now I will be the first to admit that I fall short of achieving this standard in my marriage. I do not consistently love my wife in this kind of Christlike way. I am far too often prideful and selfish. Frequently I want to have my own needs met and to get more out of my marriage than I give. And so I need to be reminded that Jesus’ sacrificial love for me covers over all of my own failings to love my wife sacrificially. I need to be reminded that He loved me to the end despite my sins and my failings. And I need that love to “train” me to love my wife in a way that reflects His love for me (Titus 2:11–12).

THE BRIDE’S SANCTIFICATION

In the second place, consider how we can know if we are actually succeeding in loving our wives in a Christlike way. Some of us go through life convinced that we are fulfilling Ephesians 5:25, either because we have watered down Paul’s command to mean only that we should literally lay down our lives on behalf of our wives or because we are judging ourselves by our intentions rather than by our actions. Either way, we are fooling ourselves. How can we know for sure? Is there something we can look for in our wives to know whether or not we are loving them in a way that even remotely resembles the love of Christ? I believe that there is. And I think we see that in Ephesians 5:26–27. These verses indicate that the result of Christ’s sacrificial love for His bride is that His bride becomes sanctified, “holy and without blemish.”

Remember that Augustine defined perfect beauty in terms of God Himself. For Augustine, God is the source of all beauty and the standard by which all beauty is to be measured. That which best reflects the image of God is the most beautiful. The Scriptures teach us that Jesus is the perfect image of God: “He is the radiance of the glory of God and the exact imprint of his nature” (Heb. 1:3); “He is the image of the invisible God,” and “in him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell” (Col. 1:15, 19). This means that Jesus is the most beautiful person, the standard by which our beauty is to be measured. If we understand the process of becoming “sanctified” as a process of becoming more like Christ, then Ephesians 5:26–27suggests that the result of Christ’s sacrificial love is that His bride, the church, becomes more and more beautiful over time.

I have found this to be especially helpful in diagnosing the condition of my own marriage and in determining how well (or not) I am loving my wife in a Christlike manner. If I am giving myself sacrificially to my wife, then I should expect that over time my wife will become more and more beautiful. Her beauty is the test by which I know how I am doing as a husband. If she is bitter or beat down with discouragement or feelings of insignificance, then this is an indication that I am probably doing something wrong. I remember the day when I saw this for the first time in Ephesians 5 and I realized that I was not loving my wife in a Christlike manner. It was a difficult day, but it was a good day. It was a day in which I could repent for my failures and seek God’s and my wife’s forgiveness, a day in which I could begin striving to understand more and more of Christ’s sacrificial love for me and start applying that love to my wife. If you have been struggling to love your wife, I pray that today will be that day for you.

This post was originally published on September 6, 2017.

Dr. Guy M. Richard is executive director and assistant professor of systematic theology at Reformed Theological Seminary in Atlanta. He is author of What Is Faith? and The Supremacy of God in the Theology of Samuel Rutherford.

Posted at: https://tabletalkmagazine.com/posts/2019/02/jesus-trains-husbands/

Raising Future Husbands and Wives

Article by Matthew Miller

In 1997, Earl Woods coauthored a book with his son, Tiger, titled Training a Tiger: A Father’s Guide to Raising a Winner in Both Golf and Life. Avid readers wanted to know the secret of how to turn their little ones into sports champions, just as Tiger Woods’ father had done.

We have since learned that Tiger Woods grew up to be a winner in golf, but his life is a different story. He failed miserably in an area where, as the statistics show and pastors know, most Americans now struggle greatly—marriage. But Earl Woods’ book is right in its basic premise—we should raise children with an eye toward what we hope they will grow up to be.

We can’t help but dream of seeing our children, grandchildren, nieces, and nephews grow up to become outstanding athletes, artists, or achievers of various kinds. We see their gifts surface at a young age and wonder to what heights those gifts might carry them. Perhaps to the big stage or to the Olympic Games or at least to a college scholarship? These prospects lure many parents into making endless sacrifices in the pursuit of the child’s “full potential.”

But when is the last time you looked at a little face and thought, “I would love to see him grow up to be a great husband or to see her grow up to be a great wife”?

THERE IS NO MAGIC MARRIAGE DUST

There’s a myth out there that is ruining marriages and probably reducing the number of marriages as well. It’s the myth that we can spend our childhood and adolescence putting our personal success before our need of personal character development and the needs of our future families. A selfless habit of mind will not suddenly appear in marriage. There’s a myth that if we meet Mr. Right or Ms. Perfect and exchange vows at the altar, magic marriage dust will fall upon us both, and we will walk out of that service transformed into selfless people, ready for the real-life demands of marriage.

There is no magic marriage dust. We walk out of the service with the same deeply entrenched habits and dispositions that were rooted in our heart when we walked in. Only now, we have so much more responsibility.

As parents of future husbands and future wives, perhaps we should think less about training up gifted standouts and focus more on training up men and women who will be prepared to succeed where Tiger Woods fell short.

GETTING PRACTICAL: DINNERTIME AND WORSHIP TIME

So, how might we train up future husbands and wives? Perhaps with dinnertime. Too often, parents make enormous sacrifices for their children without asking the children to make any sacrifices for the family. Dinnertime calls the individual members to seek—as well as enjoy—the good of the whole family.

That future daughter-in-law or son-in-law of yours would much rather you focus now on raising up a future husband or wife than raising up a future sports champ.  

In foregoing legitimate pursuits in order to be with the family at the dinner table, family members learn through hundreds of repetitions that the well-being of the family requires sacrifices. (The child also learns an important theological truth about human beings made in God’s image—that communion matters as much as function.) On the other hand, when the family table makes no claims on the child’s schedule, the child secretly learns that individual dreams and pursuits take priority over the well-being of the family.

As with dinnertime, so with church. Years ago, recreational sports teams did not think to schedule games on Sundays. Now parents face a choice: When the team’s call to play bumps up against God’s call to worship, who wins?

Our culture has so trained our hearts to prize sports that it’s hard for us to imagine that we could hold our child out of a game and still be a “good parent” (especially if pleas and tears are involved). But underneath that soccer uniform is the heart of a future husband or wife that is being trained in one of two ways. That heart is either developing the habit of putting God, family, and church before personal pursuits, or it is developing the reflex of putting personal pursuits before God, family, and church.

EARLY TRAINING FOR THE RACE OF REPENTANCE

Paul tells fathers to “bring [your children] up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Eph. 6:4). Just four verses earlier, Paul was writing of the high calling of marriage, in which the wife images the church and the husband images Christ Himself (5:22–33). Not every child will get married, but preparing every child for marriage will prepare them for real life in service to Christ, with its ten thousand acts of self-denial. Of believers, Calvin writes that “God assigns them the race of repentance to run during their whole lives” (Institutes of the Christian Religion 3.3.9). In Christian marriage, a man and woman are called to run that race of repentance together. Preparation for that race must begin in childhood, or it will be hard learned—if learned at all—in later years.

How children see themselves in relation to the family when they are young will carry over into how they see themselves in relation to their marriage—and in relation to their Lord—when they are grown. When we insist that some legitimate activities cannot be pursued because they will reduce the home to an overnight parking lot for busy, self-seeking individuals, we are not ruining our child’s future—we are investing in it. When we hold the line on the Lord’s Day and exalt public worship as more significant than the league office’s schedule, we are not ruining our child’s future—we are investing in it. We are training up a future husband or wife.

SOMEONE WILL BE TRUSTING YOUR CHILD’S “I DO”

As you ponder your child’s future and the possibility of their marriage, remember that more than your own child’s future is at stake. For somewhere across town, across the country, or on the other side of the globe is a little boy or girl who may one day stand across from your child and trust their lives to your child’s “I do.” And when they do, how prepared will your child be to steward that trust in this epic commitment of ten thousand acts of self-denial?

That future daughter-in-law or son-in-law of yours would much rather you focus now on raising up a future husband or wife than raising up a future sports champ.

About the author: Rev. Matthew S. Miller is executive director and adjunct professor of divinity at Erskine Theological Seminary’s campus in Greenville, S.C., and city director of the C.S. Lewis Institute in Greenville, S.C. He is translator of A New Day of Small Beginnings by Pierre Courthial. 

Posted at: https://tabletalkmagazine.com/posts/2018/11/raising-future-husbands-and-wives/

Confessions of a Reluctant Complementarian

Rebecca McLaughlin

Editors’ note: 

A version of this article first appeared on the author’s blog.

I was an undergraduate at Cambridge University when I first grappled with Ephesians 5:22. I’d come from an academically driven, equality-oriented, single-sex high school. And I was repulsed. “Wives, submit to your husbands, as to the Lord.” You’ve got to be kidding me.

I had three major problems with this verse.

The first was the premise that wives should submit. I knew women are just as competent as men—often more so. If there is wisdom in asymmetrical decision-making in marriage, I thought, surely it should depend on who was more competent in that area: sometimes the husband, sometimes the wife.

The second was the idea that wives should submit to their husbands “as to the Lord.” It’s one thing submitting to Jesus Christ, the self-sacrificing King of the universe. It’s quite another to submit to a fallible, sinful man—even as one thread in the fabric of a much greater submission to Christ.

The third—which perhaps grieved me most—was how harmful I believed this verse was to my gospel witness. I was offering my unbelieving friends a radical narrative of power inversion, in which the Creator God laid down his life, in which the poor out-class the rich, in which outcasts become family. The gospel is a consuming fire of love-across-difference with the power to burn up racial injustice and socioeconomic exploitation.

But here was this horrifying verse seeming to promote the subjugation of women. Jesus had elevated women to an equal status with men. Paul, it seemed to me, had pushed them back down. I worried this verse would ruin my witness.

Picture of Christ and the Church

In my frustration, I tried to explain Ephesians 5:22 away. In the Greek, the word translated “submit” appears in the previous verse, “Submit yourself to one another out of reverence for Christ” (Eph. 5:21), so I tried to argue that the rest of the passage must be applying submission as much to husbands as wives. But this didn’t stick: the following verses lay out distinct roles for husbands and wives.

Then I turned my attention to the command to husbands. “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Eph. 5:25). How did Christ love the church? By dying on the cross; by giving himself, naked and bleeding, to suffer for her; by putting her needs above his own; by giving everything for her.

I asked myself how I would feel if this was the command to wives: Wives, love your husbands to the point of death, putting his needs above yours, and sacrificing yourself for him.

If the gospel is true, none of us comes to the table with rights. The only way in is flat on your face. If I want to hold on to my fundamental right to self-determination, I must reject the message of Jesus, because he calls me to submit completely to him: to deny myself and take up my cross and follow him (Luke 9:23).

Then, the penny really dropped. Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church. This model isn’t ultimately about any individual wife and husband; it’s about Jesus and the church. God created sex and marriage to give us a glimpse of his intimacy with us.

Because our marriages point to a greater marriage, the roles are not interchangeable: Jesus gives himself for us; we submit to him.

Three Concerns

So, much to my surprise, the three problems I had when I first read Ephesians 5:22 were resolved. But I now have three concerns about how complementarian marriage is often taught.

1. Attempts to summarize

Complementarian marriage is often summarized as “Wives submit, husbands lead.” But this summary doesn’t reflect the biblical commands. Wives are indeed called to submit (Eph. 5:22; Col. 3:18; 1 Pet. 3:1). But the primary call for husbands is love (Eph. 5:25, 28, 33; Col. 3:19), and the additional commands call for empathy and honor (1 Pet. 3:7). The command to wives in Ephesians certainly implies that husbands should lead with the sacrificial love of Christ. But if we must boil the Scriptures down, “Wives submit, husbands love” is a more accurate reflection of their weight.

2. Attempts at psychological grounding

Hoping to uphold the goodness of God’s commands, Christians sometimes try to ground complementarian marriage in gendered psychology: women are natural followers, men are natural leaders; men need respect, women need love; and so on. I’ve heard the claim that women are naturally more submissive, but I’ve never heard anyone argue that men are naturally more loving.

I’ve also heard people argue that we are given the commands because they address what we’re naturally bad at: women are good at love, men are good at respect, so the calls are reversed. But to say that human history teaches us that men naturally respect women is to stick your head in the sand with a blindfold on and earplugs for good measure.

At best, these claims about gender are generalizations, analogous to the claim that men are taller than women—though far less verifiable. At worst, they cause needless offense to a generation that already misunderstands and misrepresents what the Bible says about gender. They also invite exceptions: if these commands are given because wives are naturally more submissive, and I find I’m a more natural leader than my husband, does that mean we can switch roles?

If we look closely, however, we’ll see that these claims are nowhere to be found in the text. Ephesians 5 grounds our marital roles not in gendered psychology, but in Christ-centered theology.

3. Attempts to justify “traditional” gender roles

Ephesians 5 sticks like a burr in our 21st-century, Western ears. But we must not misread it as justifying “traditional” gender roles. The text doesn’t say the husband is the one whose needs come first and whose comfort is paramount.

In fact, Ephesians 5 is a withering critique of traditional gender roles, in its original context and today. In the drama of marriage, the wife’s needs come first, and the husband’s drive to prioritize himself is cut down with the axe of the gospel.

One Challenge

But my greatest concern when I hear Ephesians 5 taught is my failure to live up to it. I’ve been married for a decade, and it’s a daily challenge to remember what I’m called to in this gospel drama, and to notice opportunities to submit to my husband as to the Lord—not because I’m naturally more or less submissive, or because he is naturally more or less loving, but because Jesus submitted to the cross for me.

My marriage isn’t ultimately about me and my husband, any more than Romeo and Juliet is about the actors playing the title roles. My marriage is about reflecting Jesus and his church.

Ephesians 5:22 used to repulse me. Now it convicts me and calls me toward Jesus: the true husband who satisfies our needs, the one man who deserves our ultimate submission.

Rebecca McLaughlin holds a PhD from Cambridge University and a theology degree from Oak Hill seminary in London. She is a regular writer for The Gospel Coalition and her first book, Confronting Christianity: 12 Hard Questions for the World’s Largest Religion, will be published by Crossway in 2019. You can follow her on Twitter or at www.rebeccamclaughlin.org.

Posted at: https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/confessions-reluctant-complementarian/