The Grace of Good Rebuke How to Love with Hard Words

Article by Marshall Segal

How we give and receive rebuke reveals more about us than we might first realize. When was the last time someone rebuked you, and how did you respond? When was the last time you needed to rebuke someone? How did you respond?

When someone confronts us about a sin he sees in us, some of us get defensive and fire back. Others cower, withdraw, and crumble in self-pity. Still others, however, have learned to receive good rebuke for what it is: love. They know the secret others fail to grasp: Hard words are instrumental, indispensable, and precious along the path to godliness.

“Hard words are instrumental, indispensable, and precious along the path to godliness.”

Similarly, when someone sins against us, we often fall into one of two traps. Some of us default (often out of hurt or anger) to brutal honesty, the kind that wields truth to, consciously or unconsciously, harm others. Others of us resist confrontation at all costs, or we couch every hard word with every available pillow. In both cases, we fail to practice rebuke as an act of extraordinary love — either by speaking the truth without love or by failing to speak at all.

Second Corinthians 13 might not be the first text we think of for rebuke, but it does chart a wise course through the land mines that often make healthy, loving, and life-giving correction so difficult.

The Occasion of Rebuke

The particular sin Paul confronts in 2 Corinthians was likely more personally painful than many of us can imagine (2 Corinthians 2:1). The whole letter addresses a rebellion that arose in the church of Corinth against his authority and ministry, even after years of his investing there (2 Corinthians 10:10; 11:4; 13:2–3).

While the situation (and stakes) may have been different for Paul, he faced the same question we face again and again within the church: When we see sin in one another, will we lovingly and graciously confront one another? Or will we avoid conflict out of fear? Or, in anger and impatience, will we heap shame and guilt on a brother or sister?

Before we get into how we rebuke, it’s worth pausing over why we need rebuke. We all need to rebuke and be rebuked because we all still sin (1 John 1:8). And sin is deadly serious. If we’re unwilling to rebuke one another, we need to ask if we really believe that sin is deceptive, destructive, and, if unrepentant, damning. Rebuke is part of a wider vigilance against the only enemy that can destroy us:

Take care, brothers, lest there be in any of you an evil, unbelieving heart, leading you to fall away from the living God. But exhort one another every day, as long as it is called “today,” that none of you may be hardened by the deceitfulness of sin. (Hebrews 3:12–13)

Because sin is so serious, so awful, so devastating to a soul, we are to exhort one another every day. And sometimes, for any number of reasons, we need more than exhortation. We need rebuke. And if we see sin for what it really is, we should embrace, even rejoice in, good rebuke.

Knowing that we need rebuke, we need to learn to rebuke well — lovingly and honestly, graciously and firmly. And to rebuke well, we need to be deeply and passionately rooted in the gospel, we need to recognize and confront the sinfulness of sin (first in ourselves, and only then in others), and we need to learn the goal and heart of good rebuke.

The Goal of Good Rebuke

First, the goal. The goal of good rebuke is not rebuke. Rebuke is always a means, not an end. As Paul rebukes his opponents, he clarifies the goal (and repeats himself to be clear). “Your restoration is what we pray for” (2 Corinthians 13:9). And then speaking to the whole church: “Aim for restoration” (2 Corinthians 13:11). Restoration, not mere correction, is the goal of godly rebuke.

The apostle — despite what these false teachers had done to him — didn’t want the Corinthians canceled or thrown out; he wanted them back as brothers. He wanted relationships restored, partnerships restored, the sweetness of unity and fellowship restored. How different might our churches, our disagreements, even our controversies be if more of us longed, prayed, and worked for restoration like Paul did? Restoration — the renewal and revival of once-broken (or even dead) love — is the goal of good rebuke.

“Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression,” Paul charges all believers, “you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness” (Galatians 6:1). One way to cultivate the gentleness we need in godly correction is to focus on correction as a pathway to restoration. If restoration is the destination, it will shape and color what words we use and how we say them.

The Heart of Good Rebuke

While restoration is the aim, humility and love are the heart of good rebuke. We see this most clearly and powerfully in the previous verse: “We are glad when we are weak and you are strong” (2 Corinthians 13:9). Because restoration, not self-preservation or vindication, was his greatest burden, Paul was glad to be rejected and humiliated if it meant his offenders might finally repent and be forgiven and restored.

“I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses,” he wrote earlier in the same letter, “so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Corinthians 12:9–10). I am content with insults and persecutions — literally, well pleased with insults and persecutions. That gladness was (and is) surprising, even offensive — and utterly Christian. Jesus had said, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9). The heart of good rebuke knows that the power of God to convict, to redeem, to change often pours through our willingness to be weak.

“The power of God to convict, to redeem, to change often pours through our willingness to be weak.”

How did humility and love penetrate so deeply into his heart — a heart that had once violently opposed and persecuted believers? He immersed his heart in the heart of another. Again, Paul writes, “You know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though he was rich, yet for your sake he became poor, so that you by his poverty might become rich” (2 Corinthians 8:9). Jesus endured the hardships of the cross for joy (Hebrews 12:2). Christian humility and love produce a joy strong enough to sacrifice for others, even for those who sin against us.

The Tone of Good Rebuke

While Paul’s heart was warm and humble toward the rebellious, and while he longed deeply and persistently for their restoration, he was not afraid to be severe if necessary. “For this reason I write these things while I am away from you, that when I come I may not have to be severe in my use of the authority that the Lord has given me” (2 Corinthians 13:10). At times, severity is necessary when we rebuke one another. This severity, Paul specifically says later in the same verse, tears down (at least for the moment) instead of building up.

This may be the most uncomfortable word for many of us: severe. Do we ever really need to be severe? Especially today, in an often excessively sensitive and empathetic society, severity seems only and ever inappropriate (or worse). To some, severity sounds like abuse. If it hurts, it should not have been said, could be a proverb of our age. And it is a plague on our age. The wise know just how desperately we need hard words (Proverbs 15:31). The foolish hoard soft words, and flee anything even resembling reproof (Proverbs 12:1; 13:18; 15:32). Mute. Block. Cancel. And the Old Testament warns us, in horror after horror, what happens when everyone does what is right in his own eyes (Judges 17:6).

Sometimes, when sin deceives us and entrenches itself in our souls, we need the grace of godly severity. Paul not only models this severity, but encourages it when appropriate: “Therefore rebuke them sharply” — same word — “that they may be sound in the faith” (Titus 1:13). Severity if necessary, so that our brother or sister might be sound again.

The Reluctance of Good Rebuke

Rebuke, especially severe rebuke, should always be patient and reluctant — not impatient and impulsive. The apostle was willing to be severe if necessary in the path of love, but notice that he was willing, not eager.

“I write these things while I am away from you, that when I come I may not have to be severe in my use of the authority that the Lord has given me for building up and not for tearing down” (2 Corinthians 13:10). I don’t want to be severe. I don’t want to tear you down. I don’t want it to get to that point. I have done all I know to do to avoid a harsher confrontation. I want to build you up and encourage you in Christ. I would rather plead and appeal than rebuke sharply.

We are not apostles, but God has given each of us some measure of influence in the body of Christ. We’re each uniquely placed in local congregations and empowered by the Spirit of God to serve in various ways. And though severity is sometimes necessary, God has given us our unique giftings and influence primarily for the sake of building one another up (1 Corinthians 14:12, 26), not tearing one another down. The church should be known as builders, not bulldozers.

Many of us, however, rarely even think about how we might intentionally build up someone else in the body. And when that’s the case, rebuke will rarely be received well, even when it is extended well. In the life of any local church, rebuke should be an occasional ripple in a mighty river of encouragement.

The Vital Ally of Good Rebuke

While this last lesson may be the most subtle lesson from the passage, it may also be the most revealing. “Your restoration,” Paul writes, “is what we pray for” (2 Corinthians 13:9). And a couple of verses earlier: “We pray to God that you may not do wrong . . . but that you may do what is right” (2 Corinthians 13:7). If we are ready to rebuke someone, but are reluctant to pray for him, are we really as ready as we think?

“Rebuke without prayer is rebuke without power.”

What we want, in any good rebuke, is for God to bring the clarity and change in this person. We can muster the courage to say something, meticulously monitor our words and tone, repeatedly express our affection and hope, discretely draw in other concerned believers — and still, if God does not act, all the love in the world will fall on deaf ears. We are mere planters, waterers, rebukers; he alone makes any heart grow (1 Corinthians 3:7).

Before we rebuke, as we rebuke, and after we rebuke, we should always pray. Rebuke without prayer is rebuke without power. But rebuke with prayer is rebuke with the backing of heaven. So, confront sin when you see it, aiming for restoration from a heart of humility and love, with a reluctant willingness to be severe if necessary. But above all else, pray and ask God to part the waters of this person’s heart and finally deliver him from the enemy of his soul.

Marshall Segal (@marshallsegal) is a writer and managing editor at desiringGod.org. He’s the author of Not Yet Married: The Pursuit of Joy in Singleness & Dating. He graduated from Bethlehem College & Seminary. He and his wife, Faye, have two children and live in Minneapolis.

Posted at: https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/the-grace-of-good-rebuke?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=a4754413-29e2-4b83-b21b-e20e5c7dccce&utm_content=article&utm_campaign=new%20teaching&fbclid=IwAR3oV130o_EBRsZjBaDkkr7BBhBe40aGeZYvupt8Ygr58bawnhHPO-2rUQg

Wounded By Those We Love

by Dave Harvey

Recently I sat with a pastor from another city who spoke of deep wounds he carried over how certain church members responded to him when they disagreed. Only hours later, I met with a husband pained by the careless comments made to his wife by fellow believers during their miscarriage.

What these two leaders shared in common was a vague feeling of betrayal. They grappled to reconcile the inconsistency between what these Christians affirmed and how they acted. I could relate to their struggle. I’ve been hurt by Christians who have professed their love and, sadly, I have at times contradicted what I say I believe and behaved in ways that hurt others.

Over the years, I’ve noticed an unexpected pattern of experience shared by many pastors. Something that, had it been whispered to me as a zealous young leader, I would have shouted down in defiant disbelief.

Our greatest trials often come at the hands of other believers.

Let that sink in for a minute. It sounds crazy. To ponder it can almost feel like betraying God; like we’re exposing the family secrets, or the dark underbelly of our people. But the sooner we see it, the better we’ll understand it. The sooner we see it, the easier it will be to interpret it.

The Code

Christians have a code we live by called the Bible. We also have a family that attempts to live out the code together called the Church. The family wants to hold each other accountable for what we believe. It all sounds so simple.

But when we think others in the family (particularly those that lead the family) don’t live up to that code, it can provoke some serious sin in the church. And it will happen at the hands of people who believe with all of their hearts that they are honoring God by treating you in dishonorable ways.

It’s a particular problem for leaders. J. Oswald Sanders once said, “A cross stands in the way of spiritual leadership, a cross upon which the leader must consent to be impaled.” It really surprised me to discover that the cross we must consent to be impaled upon is often the Christians we lead. Tucked away in conflicted corners of the local church, we begin to comprehend a glorious paradox. Christians will provide many of our greatest joys… but they can also become the cross upon which we must consent to be impaled.

But think about it. Why should we be different? We follow a Crucified Savior, and his cross was experienced in a similar way. His right hand man denied him, another betrayed him, and his best friends abandoned him in Gethsemane. Think about Isaiah’s description: “He was despised and rejected by men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief; and as one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not. Surely he has borne our grief and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted.” (Isaiah 53:3-4)

The world rejected Christ, but it was the religious that screamed, “Crucify him,” (Mark 15:13–14).

It’s funny. We don’t tend to see the cross through relational eyes, but that seems to be one of the important ways Christ experienced it. Paul too. Can you imagine waking up one day to find, “…all who are in Asia turned away from me” (2 Tim 1:15)? Paul seemed to have that sort of abandonment happen all the time. It was a cross upon which he consented to be impaled.

So if you ever find yourself as a leader under self-righteous scrutiny or abandoned by those who promised fidelity, cheer up and look towards your Redeemer. You’re in good company! And when you find yourself wiping another tear from your eye, wondering again if you even have the will to move on, always remember, “In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood.” (Heb 12:4).

Take courage. Jesus was impaled so you can press on.

Editor’s Note: This originally published at RevDaveHarvey.com

Dave Harvey

Dave Harvey (D. Min – Westminster Theological Seminary) is the president of Great Commission Collective, Dave pastored for 33 years and founded AmICalled.com. Dave travels widely across networks and denominations as a popular conference speaker. He is the author of When Sinners Say “I Do”, Am I Called, Rescuing Ambition, and co-authored Letting Go: Rugged Love for Wayward Souls. Dave’s recent release is titled I Still Do! Growing Closer and Stronger Through Life’s Defining Moments. Dave and his wife, Kimm, have four kids and four grandchildren and live in southwest Florida. (For videos or articles, visit www.revdaveharvey.com)

Posted at: https://ftc.co/resource-library/blog-entries/wounded-by-those-we-love/

May the Words of My Heart... Meditation

Trevin Wax

An interesting topic for a church history dissertation would be the origin and rise of choosing a “life verse”—a portion of Scripture chosen by a Christian as especially meaningful, words that serve as a banner over his or her life. I believe the practice is recent, appearing only in the past hundred years or so, yet it is widespread among evangelicals who accentuate the personal power of hearing God’s Word.

During my first trip to Romania as a 15-year-old, I claimed Psalm 19:14 as my life verse.

May the words of my mouth
and the meditation of my heart
be acceptable to you,
LORD, my rock and my Redeemer.

Whatever church we visited, when given an opportunity to speak, I spoke about this prayer. In the years following, other passages of Scripture have marked my life in immeasurable ways: the majesty of Romans 8, the parables of Luke 15, and especially the incomparable and indispensable Lord’s Prayer, which I recite every morning, noon, and night.

But as someone whose work involves words—reading them, thinking them, writing them, speaking them—I keep going back to Psalm 19:14.

During the two and a half years I served my church as teaching pastor, I prayed these words out loud every week after reading the Scripture at the start of the sermon. One of the most meaningful notes I received was from a third-grader in our congregation who wrote the verse out word-for-word on a piece of paper and gave it to me along with a word of thanks for how I prayed that verse before I preached. Fernando Ortega’s musical treatment of this verse (artistically combined with the Philippians 4 “whatever is true” passage) has been a regular on my playlist for more than a decade now.

The longer I live and speak and write, the more I feel the weight of my dependence upon God to answer this request. I’ve discovered that this is a prayer I’ve grown into, not something I could ever grow out of. As long as I have breath, I will continue to ask for God’s blessing on my words.

May . . . The verse is a prayer. I am asking Jesus to do something for me that I cannot pull off by myself. Apart from him, my words and thoughts will deviate from righteousness. The prayer expresses the passion of my heart to please the heart of God.

. . . the words of my mouth . . . The average person speaks more than 7,000 words a day. In my line of work, which involves leading a team, speaking, and writing, my average likely exceeds 10,000. That’s a lot of talking. Jesus told us “the mouth speaks from the overflow of the heart,” and on the day of judgment, “people will have to account for every careless word they speak” (Matt 12:34, 36). It’s not hard for careless words to tumble out of the heart and crush someone else’s spirit. I’ve been on both the receiving and giving end of careless words. I know my heart’s tendency toward self-justification, self-defense, and self-promotion. Self, self, self. For this reason, I need Psalm 19:14—a prayer that stands as a guard around my lips (Ps. 141:3).

. . . and the meditation of my heart . . . The psalmist anticipates the Savior, who pointed beyond mere words to the heart where sin is incubated. Meditation is a settled state of thought, like the alignment for the tires that keep a vehicle from drifting. It’s the default setting of the heart. Unless I pray for my heart’s deepest, default state to be pleasing to God, my heart drifts toward self-centered ways that give rise to selfish words and actions.

. . . be acceptable to you . . . Pleasing. Acceptable. I love the modesty of this prayer. It’s not a request for words that sparkle and shine. It doesn’t ask for deep thoughts that are brilliant or awe-inspiring. The focus isn’t on the power of the words and thoughts or how they might land on the ears of others; it’s on the pleasing and acceptable nature of the expression, and how they find favor with God. I’m not asking for a bestselling book. I’m not asking to be a world-renowned speaker. I’m not asking to be the best, to stand out or shine. The prayer is merely that my inner life and outer expression would be acceptable to the King who made me. That it would pass the test of acceptability and bring him joy.

. . . LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer. Here we have the reason why this prayer is uttered in the first place. The Lord is the sheltering rock, the one who protects us from ourselves. He is the Redeemer who delivers us from our sin, forgiving our careless words in the past and empowering us to speak life in the present. So many times, I’ve prayed this verse and then run away from its significance, falling prey to self-centered thoughts and words. But the prayer ends by acknowledging the character of God, upon whose mercy we fall, whose hands lift our heads and renew our eyes—our strength and our Savior.

And so, we pray for words of courage and conviction; words that express truth and grace; words that bring comfort and healing; words that never flatter or deceive, but always edify and exhort; words that reflect well the the character of our Rock and Redeemer.

Posted at: https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/trevin-wax/may-the-words/

Gratitude or Impurity

Jay Younts | Shepherd’s Press

Gratitude or impurity—you can have one but not both!  The language of the heart and mouth is an indication of the direction of the heart. People whose speech is dominated by a thankful spirit are often people who are grateful for the mercy extended to them by God.  However, impure, profane speech reflects just the opposite of gratitude.  This kind of talk frequently indicates an angry heart and movement towards the impure and profane. For example, the Ephesians had woven impure speech into the life of the church to the point where Paul addressed this issue specifically. Ephesians 5:4 describes the importance of gratitude.

But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving.

In the first part of the verse, Paul directs that there should be no obscene, foolish talk or any coarse jesting. The Linguistic Key to the New Testament provides important definitions for these terms:

• Obscene talk: shameful, filthy or obscene speech

• Foolish talk: laughing at something without wit

• Coarse jesting: using humor to turn something neutral into something off-color. In other words, the Ephesians were masters of the art of double-entendre.

The language Paul condemns is a broader category than what we generally define as swearing. God has a higher standard for our speech than simply not swearing. What does the higher standard look like?

Paul says the put on response to impure speech is gratitude. He says that gratitude should dominate your speech, not the impure talk of the world. This contrast is striking. It is not simply replacing one set of words with another set of words. God wants your grateful heart. He wants your faithful, trusting heart. He wants your submissive, humble heart. When He has these things from you, profanity and even lust will not be an issue.

If your talk acknowledges that God has sovereign control over your life, and that He is working all things together for your good, you will express gratitude, not frustration or rebellion. 

If your everyday talk is ungrateful and complaining, you reflect the ungodly culture around you. If, on the other hand, your everyday talk expresses gratitude and joyful acceptance for God’s Providence, you will have no need for the kind of language described in Ephesians 5:4. Both your words and your attitudes will honor God, not defy Him.

The point is that if your speech is not dominated by gratitude then your words will mimic the world around you. You will unwittingly prepare your children to fall prey to the temptation of profanity, lust, and lack of gratitude. Without gratitude, there is no real defense against the ungrateful, self-pitying attitude that profanity represents. This is the message that Paul gave to the Ephesians. This is the message God wants you to give to your children.

Posted at: https://www.shepherdpress.com/gratitude-or-impurity/?fbclid=IwAR2huS-d6yGTlLMiG1SnMbAz7lnT2sXQXAvc_492EsSXdRdXeKBpn0plO2o

12 Rules for Speaking Life-Giving Words

By Juan Sanchez

The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life,
but the mouth of the wicked conceals violence.
The lips of the righteous feed many,
but fools die for lack of sense.
Proverbs 10:11, 21

At a board meeting I was at some time ago, the chairman asked the board members what we had been reading. One of the brothers was reading Scottish Puritans: Select Biographies. He shared with us James Fraser’s 12 rules for ordering his conversations.

In God’s providence, I was preaching through Proverbs. And that next Sunday, I was actually preaching a sermon titled, “Taming the Tongue.” The counsel from Fraser’s book was so helpful, I used it to apply the sermon to ourselves.

Sadly, we live in a culture–and I’m talking about the Christian culture–where we need to remind ourselves of such heart-exposing, conscience-convicting, wisdom-providing counsel.

Let me encourage us then in this way: before we post anything on social media, before we send an email, before we respond to another brother or sister, let us review these 12 rules and choose to speak life-giving words. I’ve updated the language and added applicable Proverbs.

You may find these 12 rules in the Memoirs of the Reverend James Fraser of Brea, Scotland 1798.

1st Rule: Speak nothing sinful

This includes lying, cursing, scolding, backbiting, gossiping, slandering – anything that dishonors God or neighbor.

• 13:3, “The one who guards his mouth protects his life; the one who opens his lips invites his own ruin.”

2nd Rule: Speak no idle words

Will what I speak profit or is it vain and empty?

• 25:11, “A word spoken at the right time is like gold apples in silver settings.”

3rd Rule: Speak not much

• 10:19, “When there are many words, sin is unavoidable, but the one who controls his lips is prudent.”

• 17:27-28, “The one who has knowledge restrains his words, and one who keeps a cool head is a person of understanding. Even a fool is considered wise when he keeps silent—discerning, when he seals his lips.”

4th Rule: Speak soberly both as to matter and to manner

Don’t be loud and obnoxious.

• 27:14, “If one blesses his neighbor with a loud voice early in the morning, it will be counted as a curse to him.”

5th Rule: Speak not rashly or hastily

• 29:20, “Do you see someone who speaks too soon? There is more hope for a fool than for him.”

6th Rule: Speak weightily, seriously

• 26:18-19, “Like a madman who throws flaming darts and deadly arrows, so is the person who deceives his neighbor and says, “I was only joking!’”

7th Rule: Speak in Faith

Do you know and believe what you’re saying?

• 12:22, “Lying lips are detestable to the Lord, but faithful people are his delight.”

8th Rule: Speak Prayerfully

Have you prayed about what you’ll say?

• 15:29, “The Lord is far from the wicked, but he hears the prayer of the righteous.”

9th Rule: Speak timely and purposefully

• 15:23, “A person takes joy in giving an answer; and a timely word—how good that is!”

10th Rule: Speak in Fear

Keep a bridle in your mouth.

• 8:13, “To fear the Lord is to hate evil. I hate arrogant pride, evil conduct, and perverse speech.”

11th Rule: Do not let your neighbors’ faults be the subject of your talk, even if true

• 16:24, “Pleasant words are a honeycomb: sweet to the taste and health to the body.”

12th Rule: Speak not of yourself or your worth

• 16:18, “Pride comes before destruction, and an arrogant spirit before a fall.”

Juan R. Sanchez (@manorjuan) is the husband to Jeanine, father to five daughters, senior pastor of High Pointe Baptist Church, Austin, Texas, and author of Seven Dangers Facing Your Church.

Article posted at : https://factsandtrends.net/2018/10/23/12-rules-for-speaking-life-giving-words/

Do Not Consume One Another

Article by Howard Eyrich

Galatians 5:15 "Do not consume one another".

The same Scriptures that provide us with the positive protocols about which we have written also delineates five practices that we should avoid in order to glorify God in our marriages and enhance a joyful relationship.

In this essay we will consider the protocol found in Galatians 5:15. It says this: “Do not consume one another.”  Let me suggest six ways that couples typical say or do that contributes to consuming one another. The first one is angry outbursts. Angry outbursts have a deleterious impact in several ways. They provoke anger in your mate. The anger may be a defensive anger, an anger of disgust or a retaliatory anger.  For example, Jim and Sally sat in the counselor’s office attempting to provide their counselor an understanding of how their marriage demise had spiraled. As Jim was reporting an incident for the sake of illustration, Sally responded with defensive anger. Immediately Jim shut down and withdrew.  Angry outbursts diminish affection, cooperation and hope that things can ever change.

A second way we consume one another is by an attitude of demandingness. Demandingness is often the outgrowth of unmet expectations. It is not unusual to hear in the counseling office an accusation that sounds something like this. “You are supposed to be the provider for this family (which often means I expect you to enable us to live at the level of our peers) and I am not to put up with your feeble attempts.” Or, a husband may say, “I thought when I married you that you were supposed to be available for my sexual needs. I did not see where the Bible limits that to once a week and if we are going to make it you will have to get with the program.” Now these illustrations may be simplified and overstated, but they are examples (and will be heard at times in counseling).

A third way of consuming one another is by sheer selfishness. Yes, demandingness is a form of selfishness, but this is more pervasive. What is in view here is a self-centeredness that touches all of life. Sometimes this is a malady of which the individual is totally unaware. For example, a person who was raised with the proverbial “silver spoon” in the mouth may well develop a self-centeredness that not only impacts the mate directly, but also impacts every other relationship. This person’s mate finds him/herself energy drained in attempts to manage the collateral damage with the children, the Sunday School class and even with his/her friends. The mate is consumed in the process.

Yet another practice that is consuming is sulking. The mate of a sulker finds him/herself consumed with the task of figuring out what is generating the displeasure of the mate this time. Often these attempts elicit some the anger response discussed above further exasperating the consuming of the mate.

No one appreciates being manipulated. But when manipulation is characteristic of a mate, it becomes consuming. If this trait is a character trait, it will often go unnoticed in courtship, but once engaged in living intimately it will surface. I once had a young couple in counseling where this is exactly what happened. The wife said, “If I had caught on to this when we were dating I would have broken the relationship. It takes all my effort to be alert to your tricks.

Lastly, we can consume one another by distrusting. In a relationship in which trust is absent, mates find themselves consumed with being self-protective. If I am not trustworthy, my mate is consumed by me. Her/his conscious energy is poured into the action of discernment.

So, when Paul writes, “Do not consume one another”, we once again have instruction from the hand of God as to how to live within the church and especially within the marriage in a manner that contributes to our happiness as an outgrowth of glorifying God.

Know What Not to Say

Article by  Jon Bloom

Christians should be the most careful speakers in the world. We ought to be characterized by two kinds of trembling when it comes to words: we should tremble at the words God speaks and we should tremble at the words we speak.

We know we should tremble at God’s word, for he tells us,

“This is the one to whom I will look: he who is humble and contrite in spirit and trembles at my word.” (Isaiah 66:2)

But why should we tremble at the words we speak? Because Jesus said,

“I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.” (Matthew 12:36–37)

“Every careless word.” That should stop us in our tracks. It should set us trembling, considering how many words we speak. And by “speak” I mean every word that comes out of our mouths, our pens, and our keyboards. We speak thousands of words every day, sometimes tens of thousands.

When we experience these two kinds of trembling, they occur for the same reason: we love and fear God and don’t want to profane his holy word or to profane his holiness with our unholy words. Such trembling makes us want to speak carefully and sometimes not speak at all. Because we believe,

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: . . . a time to keep silence, and a time to speak. (Ecclesiastes 3:1, 7)

A Time to Be Silent

There really is a time to keep silent. And that time comes more often than most of us are conditioned to think.

We live in an age of unceasing talk. Never in human history has the noise of human communication been so constant. Even when we are quiet we are not silent, as we receive and dispense talk through our digital media. Our culture does not believe that “a fool multiplies words” (Ecclesiastes 10:14).

On one level, it believes that multiplied words brings multiplied knowledge, and multiplied knowledge brings multiplied wisdom. On another level, not fearing God, it simply doesn’t really care how many words flow. So it relentlessly inundates us with information, analysis, commentary, critique, punditry, and mockery through every communication stream. We cannot help but be conditioned by this environment.

And with the advent of social media, nearly everyone now has a broadcast platform from which they can publicly hold forth on any social, cultural, political, economic, or theological issue, any controversy, any scandal, any whatever anytime they wish, regardless of what they know. And while the democratization of public communication is a remarkable historic phenomenon and certainly has some wonderful benefits, it is a dangerous thing, spiritually speaking. It’s an immense, cacophonous forum of multiplied, foolish, careless words, for which every participant, whether they know it or not, will give an account to God.

The Beginning of Wisdom

Christians know that “the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom” and “the beginning of knowledge” (Psalm 111:10; Proverbs 1:7). And one expression of that fear is trembling at God’s holy word, and at our own.

We are taught that it is profoundly wise for us to cultivate the discipline of being slow to speak (James 1:19). Slow to speak implies that there is a time for silence. Sometimes it means we are silent for some appropriate brief or extended period of time while being quick to hear (listening carefully), so we gain an accurate understanding of an issue before we speak carefully. And sometimes it means we don’t speak at all. The former is always a necessity for us; the latter is often a necessity.

God calls us to live counter to our hair tongue-trigger culture. In a world where rapid-fire information, rapid-fire commentary, and rapid-fire counter-commentary are continually igniting raging forest fires of words (James 3:5), the sons and daughters of God are called to be fire-quenching peacemakers (Matthew 5:9). And one of the underutilized ways of peacemaking is recognizing the time to keep silence. Less words can be less fuel for the fires.

A Time to Speak

But Christians must not always keep silence. There is a time to speak and there are things we must say. Our God is a speaking God and we know he most definitely wants us to speak (Matthew 24:14; 28:19–20).

But when God speaks, he speaks very intentionally and, considering his omniscience, he speaks with tremendous restraint. And that’s the way he wants us to speak, as his exceedingly non-omniscient children and ambassadors (2 Corinthians 5:20): intentionally and with restraint. He wants us to learn to speak like Jesus.

We, like Job, have the tendency to speak rashly and confidently about things we really don’t understand (Job 42:3). But Jesus often said less than he knew because he was prayerfully listening to the Father and saying only what he discerned he was supposed to say (John 8:26). Just because he had a mouth and a public platform did not mean he should always employ them. Rather, he said, “I do nothing on my own authority, but speak just as the Father taught me” (John 8:28). He perfectly lived out and modeled for us this verse:

Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips! (Psalm 141:3)

God deploys his children strategically in every sphere. He gives us each a few assignments and gives us each some things to say in order to bring the gospel to bear in our limited spheres. Each of us must prayerfully discern our spheres and limitations. None of us, as individuals, churches, or organizations, is called to address every current issue. And if this is true of issues we have knowledge about, it’s especially true of issues with which we have little or no personal experience.

If we are in some form of leadership where we are called to address such an issue, we should first pray for wisdom, then we should be publicly honest about what we don’t know and not succumb to pressure and try to speak more than we do know. And then, if the Lord leads, we should pursue the understanding required to speak more helpfully.

And when we do discern God’s direction for us to speak, we, like Jesus, remember that our mouths, fingers, and platforms still belong to God. We are not free to say whatever we wish about what we know. We do nothing on our own authority, but must say only what we discern God wants us to say.

Tough, Tender, or Quiet?

We speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15), but we don’t speak for human “likes”; we speak for God’s approval. So that means we sometimes speak a loving truth that’s tender and sweet (Proverbs 16:24), and other times we speak a loving truth that’s graciously hard (Proverbs 27:6). This is speaking like Jesus, who sometimes said things like, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28), and who at other times said things like, “Unless you repent, you will all likewise perish” (Luke 13:5).

Discerning when to say a loving tender truth, when to say a loving tough truth, and when to say nothing at all is the tension God has purposefully designed to keep us prayerfully dependent on him. It is frequently not patently obvious. There are times we really want to speak and we should not. And there are times we really don’t want to speak and we should.

What will help us most in discerning when it’s a time to keep silence or a time to speak is cultivating a holy trembling at God’s word and at our words. The right kind of fear of the Lord is our best mouthguard.

Jon Bloom (@Bloom_Jon) serves as author, board chair, and co-founder of Desiring God. He is author of three books, Not by Sight, Things Not Seen, and Don’t Follow Your Heart. He and his wife live in the Twin Cities with their five children.

Originally posted on DesiringGod.org  https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/know-what-not-to-say